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Saturday, March 20, 2004
Lately I have heard a lot of talk about voting for terrorists. It is apparently the hot new craze sweeping western democracies these days, who knew! Did you know that if the election were held today, the majority of Americans would vote for terrorists? It's true!
But this got me thinking which sometimes happens. What kind of terrorists are Americans voting for? Informed voters are responsible voters, but who is informing voters about the policy positions of various terrorists? Which terrorist best represents you and your needs? Do you support Al Qaeda's single-payer health care plan or Ansar al-Islam's stance on tort reform? Fafblog is here to help with the internet's first-ever terrorist voting guide.
 Abu Musab al-Zarqawi: John al-Kerry: Doctor Apulus:
posted by fafnir at 9:10 PM
Friday, March 19, 2004
J. Bradford DeLong, simple mortal and slave bound to the illusory yoke that lower beings call "linear time," has "corrected" the enlightened transdimensional being known as the Medium Lobster:
Polish President Aleksandr Kwasniecki has just gotten off the bus:A being that dwells in the upper reaches of the empyrean such as the Medium Lobster can only chuckle at the naivete Mr DeLong displays here in his misunderstanding of "Old Europe" and "New Europe." You see, Mr DeLong, the dark and corrupt countries of "Old Europe" - France, Germany, Belgium, Massachusetts - are rotted with decadence and waste away with every passing moment. But the youth and purity of "New Europe" - Poland, Slovakia, Atlantis - keeps it timeless, atemporal, existing outside of the flow of your "linear perception." Hence, a Polish president who once supported the noble and just cause of supporting George Bush is still, in that timeless land, eternally and forever standing beside America. The Medium Lobster does not expect you to understand the particulars, of course.Yahoo! News - Poland 'taken for a ride' over Iraq's WMD: President: WARSAW (AFP) - In a first sign of official criticism in Poland of the US-led invasion of Iraq (news - web sites), President Aleksander Kwasniewski said that his country had been "taken for a ride" about the alleged existence of weapons of mass destruction in the strife-torn country. "That they deceived us about the weapons of mass destruction, that's true. We were taken for a ride," Kwasniewski said Thursday. He argued however that it made no sense to pull US-led coalition troops out of Iraq. Of course, should Poland slip far enough into corruption, and Vote For Terror as Spain did this week, it would join the ranks of Old Europe, and re-enter the stream of what you call "the timestream" with a rude and brutal jolt. It was only Sunday afternoon that Spanish Prime Minister-elect Rodriguez Zapatero found himself and his entire country suddenly aged fifty years in an instant, their buildings crumbling, their crops dry and withered, their people old and infirm, moaning and stumbling from the fairy-tale bliss of eternal youth, blinking into a harsh and decrepit dark age. A terrifying and tragic tale, indeed... and one to give pause to even one as illuminated as the Medium Lobster.
posted by Medium Lobster at 6:47 PM
I have been noticin some anger in the world of late. Some of it has been comin from partisan wounds. I am wagging my finger in your direction Democrats and Republicans! Some of it has been comin from culture wars, which are like cola wars but with fewer funny product tie ins. Some of it has been comin from Fafblog. "Grrrr, angry!" says Giblets. "Hoho, angry," says the Medium Lobster. Anger is okay because Fafblog is all things to all people, like a delicious exploding cake. It is so tasty and so deadly how can you resist!
But we must also heal the anger. And so Fafnir today is here to heal all partisan wounds within our country. Are you ready to begin to heal those wounds America? Ok then let's go!    You feel your wounds healin yet? Probably yes I can see that Pat Buchanan is volunteering to do pro bono immigration case work now, good for you Pat! but we have more work to do still!    Hooray, can you feel the love America? Yes you can! And there is Jerry Falwell and Larry Flynt dancin arm in arm, they are best of friends now! They are such good buddies because of the love that Rev. Falwell has agreed to star in Asian Ass-Pounders 6 and Mr. Flynt has agreed to donate half of all Hustler sales to the banning of activist judges.     All is full of Faf and Faf is full of love! John Kerry and George W. Bush are runnin for president on each others' tickets and they are arguing viciously because each wants the other to be president! Wow I have to say this worked out better than I hoped, I'm so glad you all came over here to do this and Osama, you just get back to your ice cream and petting zoo over there. "I love children soooo much," Osama says all weepy-like and snuggling a fluffy white bunny. Well I'm going to go have a big mug of piping hot cocoa with my new best friends - everybody!
posted by fafnir at 9:03 AM
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Reflect on the scum suckers of life.
"Reflect on them! Reflect on them NOOOOOOOOOW!" says Giblets. Giblets is reflecting on them too.
posted by fafnir at 12:06 PM
Yesterday I was appreciatin my glofish. My beautiful glowing Glofish(TM), the worlds first and only genetically modified fish that realy glo(TM), when I noticed the fish tank was brighter and greener than usual. "Wow what glofish," I thought. "They are glowing so bright and so green and so glowy that their fishy light has filled the tank."
"That isn't glofish Fafnir," says Mr Book who tells me things, "That is algae." "Wow, glo-algae," I says. "And it came for free!" "No Fafnir," says Mr Book. "Algae does not glow." "Well it sure is pretty," I says. "Algae can be bad for fish," says Mr Book. "Oh no!" I says. "You should get some scum sucker fish," says Mr Book. "They will eat the algae." "That's a good idea Mr Book," I says. "You are just full of good ideas!" "Also you should always recycle plastic bags and cut up plastic rings that come with soda. And put plastic on windows to save on heating. And buy organic because it tastes better and has less pesticides in it. And learn to make shadow puppets it is easy and fun!" Well I had so much fun learning new things with Mr Book I forgot all about my glofish until they almost got strangled by the algae. By now we have a host of scum suckers in there. They are ugly and hard working and they eat a lot, like Teamsters! I am using this time to reflect upon the scum suckers of society, the great big ugly fish-people who suck up the algae of life. Use this time to reflect upon them and what they have done for us.
posted by fafnir at 11:49 AM
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
As I write, the Kerry campaign is still crippled by the scandal already known as Foreignleadergate. It is obvious by now that John Kerry's bizarre claims that foreign leaders would prefer a Kerry presidency have already forever doomed his party to the dustbin of history, and Republicans' brilliant decision to obsess on this critical issue will sweep the South, the Midwest, and California come November.
The disaster for Kerry becomes even more ugly and treacherous when faced with the impossible task to name these imaginary "foreign leaders" who would oppose the reelection of Bush, because the casual voter's mind immediately fills with the names of foreign leaders who have supported the Texan president: Tony Blair, Polish President Aleksander Kwasniewski, Tony Blair, Federated States of Micronesia President Joseph J. Urusemal, Tony Blair, former Spanish Prime Minister Jose Aznar, Tony Blair. With that roster of foreign Bush supporters, it's hard to imagine who could even be hypothetically left over to hope for a Kerry victory - other than, of course, the French, German, Russian, Belgian, current Spanish, Chinese, and Japanese governments, along with the entire Mideast, none of whom count, for reasons which the Medium Lobster does not need to explain to ones as presumably enlightened as all of you. Were I Karl Rove, I would make sure to keep reminding all of America that John Kerry says he'll get along better with our foreign allies than George Bush does - it'll only make the President's sterling reputation as a beloved and competent world leader shine that much brighter.
posted by Medium Lobster at 2:11 PM
There are joyous moments and there are proud moments, but few are more joyous and proud than when the Medium Lobster can cast a lofty eye down upon his alma mater of Brown University (PhD in Advanced Superiority, Class of Alpha Null) and smile blessedly upon its bold new initiative to overturn centuries of social inequality and racial discrimination with a blue-ribbon panel.
Some would balk at such a weighty task, but not university president Ruth J. Simmons, who has decided to hit the problem of social injustice head on: by appointing a Committee on Slavery and Justice to undertake "an exploration of reparations for slavery and specifically whether Brown should pay reparations or otherwise make amends for its past." Lesser university presidents might attempt to reform the college's admissions and financial aid programs to make Brown more affordable for poor students. More cowardly leaders in academia might overhaul the school's legacy admission policy to stop what amounts to an affirmative action program for rich, white, often feeble-minded blue-bloods. But not Ruth J. Simmons, a president who says "if I have something to offer Brown, it's the fact that I am a descendant of slaves." She's ready to take on the toughest challenge to social equality facing higher education today: Brown University's 240-year-old connections to the slave trade. And how! The 16 member-committee will include not just faculty and staff, but in what is certainly not a nakedly cynical attempt to demonstrate how a hidebound bureaucratic body is connecting to "the youth," will include undergraduates too! And not just any undergraduates - they have Seth Magaziner, the son of former Clinton staffer Ira Magaziner! Now if only they had Danny DeVito's daughter involved, the insights would be exploding. But what will come of this bold display of displayed boldness? Well, the Medium Lobster is probably stating the obvious when noting that the results of one Ivy League university's navel-gazing into its slavery-speckled past will no doubt unleash a torrent of racial harmony throughout the country. After all, as goes Brown, so goes Alabama! Some members of Brown's committee have had their doubts, such as philosophy professor Felicia Nimue Ackerman, who says "I think it's very important that this does not degenerate into a bunch of people congratulating themselves for thinking slavery is bad." Heaven forfend, Professor Ackerman. Heaven forfend.
posted by Medium Lobster at 11:04 AM
Monday, March 15, 2004
Giblets has been busy. Very very busy. As has Fafnir. Fafnir and Giblets have been both busy on a Top Secret Project. "Shhh Giblets tell no one of our top secret prooooooject!" says Fafnir. Giblets does not care, Giblets cannot be contained! In the meantime during Faf-light and Giblets-light blogging this week there will be extra doses of our blogger-at-large The Medium Lobster. Take that, allergic-to-seafood types!
In the meantime Giblets wants to remark on the decline of civility in public discourse. Last week presidential candidate John Kerry said "these guys are the most crooked, you know, lying group of people I've ever seen" when referring to Republicans. Dennis Hastert says he takes "great umbrage" at the remark and Marc Racicot said "We call on Senator Kerry to apologize to the American people for this negative attack." Giblets believes that Senator Kerry does owe the Republicans some clear words. And those words should be the following: POOOOR WIDDLE PARTY! POOOOR WIDDLE PARTY! DIDDA BIG BAD DEMACWATS MAKE A BOO BOO? DID DEY? WHO'S A BIG BOY PARTY! WHO'S A BIG BOY PARTY! YOU ARE, G.O.P.! YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE! DOES OO WANT A NAPPY? DOES OO? YES OO DOES! YES OO DOES! Come on Republicans. Giblets used to respect you. Where is the Grand Old Party of old demonizing liberals for supporting civil liberties? Where is the Republican Party that compared Max Cleland to Saddam Hussein? Giblets wants more mudslinging, more threats of shifty brown terrorists! Shape up or get a diaper.
posted by Giblets at 11:48 AM
Sunday, March 14, 2004
I am writing from under a three blankets two pillows an enormous ape named Bucephalus (say hi Bucephalus!) and a smiley faced drinking mug (with cocoa) in order to camouflage myself from the terrorists. Do not tell them I am here or who knows what victories those terrorists will achieve.
My squishy yet fragile heart broke again last week when the terrorists attacked Spain killing hundreds - Spain, one of my two favorite countries on the Iberian peninsula why did it have to be you Spain? - but now my I have been informed by television and the internet that it is worse because in addition to killing hundreds of innocent people the terrorists have won. You see when I was watchin TV it said to me "Fafnir since terrorists blew up the Spanish trains around the Spanish elections that means they want the conservative Spanish to win the elections which will mean an escalation in the war on terror and an increase in the recruitment for al Qaeda!" "Oh no tv that's bad!" I said. "Yes it is Fafnir," said the tv, "because if we react to the terrorists that means they control us and that means they have won!" But then I saw this morning that the socialists were winning the elections. ("Hey look Giblets!" I said. "Socialists!" "There are socialists?" said Giblets. "Yes apparently in Spain!" I said. "They also have bullfighters, conquistadors, and emus!" "I want a socialist!" said Giblets. "Bring Giblets a socialist now!") And I was all happy because that meant that the terrorists had lost. "No Fafnir," said the tv. "This means the terrorists have won because the Spanish are voting for the socialists in reaction against the ruling conservatives because they blame them for the terrorist attack. This means the terrorists have gotten them to elect socialists in response to terror and that means the terrorists have won!" And thne I yelled and hid under a blanket until I called Colin Powell. "Colin Powell the terrorists are winning!" I told him. "I know, tv told me!" he said. "Quick cancel the Spanish elections Colin Powell!" I said. "I could Fafnir using my magnificent Colin Powell Powers but then we would be cancelling elections just because of the terrorists and that would mean the terrorists had gotten us to cancel the Spanish elections and that would mean the terrorists have won!" And we both yelled for a long long time. So here I am under the blankets and the pillows and Bucephalus the ape and the smiley faced drinking mug (with cocoa). I think I am safe from contributing to further terrorist victories in here, and so can you as long as you never do anything ever again because if there is one thing that stop the cause of terror it is being paralyzed by anxiety.
posted by fafnir at 3:43 PM
Thursday, March 11, 2004
So the House of Representatives wants to pass a bill which stops fat people from suing fast food places for making them fat. This seems like a pretty bold statement on the part of the House and that statement is "Cmon down fat people, and eat some more fat!"
"America is a fat country," the House told Fafblog in an exclusive interview, "Its fatness is part of our national heritage and prestige. To discourage McDonald's from selling fat would be like destroying the Grand Canyon or the Washington Monument. Today the House says: we embrace our obese heritage." I have some mixed feelins about this. On the one hand I believe that government should not interfere in our courts and our restaurants and our soup. On the other hand if they do not what is to stop "activist judges" from bankrupting the good people who brought us the McPhilly Cheesesteak? I enjoy fast food if only on an aesthetic level. I purchase many dozens of hamburgers a week and set them up in little pyramids and decorative patterns on my coffee table. I purchase burgers of many varieties so that they can "mix it up" together and understand each others culture. I enjoy the artistry of burger commercials and the pioneering work of cinematographer David McGinnis who developed the slow-motion burger pan and subsequently won an unprecedented three consecutive McCheesies for Best Cinematography from 1982-1984. Where would this go if they take our burgers away? Fight fiercely House of Representatives.
posted by fafnir at 1:26 PM
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
So I was looking for interesting books to present to my Literacy For Clams class and I found a copy of the U.S. Constitution. It's long, but informative - apparently I have rights! I als found this:
No person except a natural born citizen, or a citizen of the United States, at the time of the adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the office of President; neither shall any person be eligible to that office who shall not have attained to the age of thirty five years, and been fourteen Years a resident within the United States.Now I am no constitutional law scholar but what I can say with absolute authority is that this means a duck can be elected president as long as it is thirty-five years old, was born in America, and has taken a citizenship exam. So now it's just a question of findin a really old duck! Do not worry America. Fafnir is here to cure you of your electoral malaise.
posted by fafnir at 10:47 PM
Giblets is disturbed. The AP is reporting that George Bush lets major donors sleep in the White House and yes even the fabled Lincoln Bedroom. Some are saying this is an outrage because it shows how much power and influence campaign donors have. Some are saying this is an outrage because Bush criticized Clinton for doing the same thing when he ran for president. Giblets does not think this is an outrage. Giblets thinks this is really, really nasty.
Who would pay to sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom? Abraham Lincoln was old! He smells like old people! The whole bedroom has old-man Lincoln-funk all over it! Add that in with all the other old people who have been crashing there over the years and even a small militia armed with fifty gallons of Lysol and Mr. Clean could not rid it of that awful "rich rest home" stink. And there are people who would not only go there willingly, and sleep there, but pay for the "privelege"? That makes Giblets's skin crawly. Let me just say that Giblets has no problem with trannies, furries, spankers, chokers, maskers, midget-squatters, half-doggers, roadloggers, numbpluggers, robot-twisters, southpaw chicken dicers, or the El Segundo Grande. But old president smell - that's just plain weird.
posted by Giblets at 6:25 PM
You know if there is one thing I have learned in running this blog it is never for any reason leave lemons in the burner of a lit gas stove. But if there are two things I have learned in running this blog it is the lemon-in-the-stove thing, plus do not ever feed paint to an elephant. But if there are three things I have learned from running this blog it is the lemon thing, the cow thing, and that this country is hungry for change.
Which is why when I saw this in an article in the LA Times: "I would vote for anybody to get rid of George Bush," said Barb Marsh, a chemical dependency counselor from Neighborville, Ill. "You could put a duck up there and I'd support it," said her friend Lois Carlson, a financial planner from Willowbrook, Ill....it rang all kinds of alarm bells over here at Fafblog News Headquarters. No really I jumped up on the Fafblog News Couch and started ringin the special emergency News Bell real loud for like two an a half minutes and Giblets came down and was all "Where's dinner?" Well I'll tell you where dinner is Giblets: dinner is, there is a duck vote in this presidential race. Now things have been kinda down here at Fafblog News Headquarters since Howard Dean dropped out of the race and we got stuck with John Kerry who while I am sure is a very nice person and all does not seem to satisfy America's hunger for change, i.e., change which involves cool people. But a duck! How can you get much more of a change than that! I would vote for a duck! And I know a number of ducks who I believe would make quite fine commanders-in-chief with sensible-yet-forceful foreign policy positions. But can you elect a duck? Is a duck constitutionally eligible to run for president? This looks like a job for Eugene Volokh or failing him Fafblog's own Volokhbot, which is like Eugene Volokh but a robot, and armed with libertarian death lasers! I would look up the constitutionality of a duck presidency myself but I have so many lemons to clean right now.
posted by fafnir at 12:43 PM
Tuesday, March 9, 2004
So a lot of people get all woogy about electronic voting. "Oh electronic voting is bad." "Oh electronic voting is prone to voter fraud." "Oh electronic voting leaves no paper trail." "Oh electronic voting is for robots." Well if nobody speaks for the robots my friends who will speak for you?
In California they are havin some problems with electronic voting, with the voting machines giving 7000 voters the wrong ballots: "In 21 precincts where the problem was most acute, there were more ballots cast than registered voters." Well those same anti-robot people are at it again. "Oh, electronic voting is bad." "Oh, you shouldn't have phantom people voting in districts where they don't exist." But aren't phantom people people too? Voter turnout in some precincts was over 100%! That's really good turnout! If someone in San Francisco can vote on people and issues in Anaheim all it means is voters have more choices, and more choices means more democracy, and more democracy is always good! It is part of the wonders that the global village of science and technology have brought us. So next time you see a voting machine or a robot or a man burning a box full of ballots stop and thank him. He's embiggening your freedom.
posted by fafnir at 10:33 AM
Monday, March 8, 2004
Kevin Drum, cheesedog entrepreneur and Calpundit pundit, is now beocming a professional blogger for The Washington Monthly. Hooray, Kevin Drum! I remember when you were just a little guy sellin cheesedogs and I said "Hey there Kevin Drum how bout you start typin stuff in this here 'introweb' thing because y'know it's real big" and he said "No sir I think I'll stick to m'cheesedogs, m'hmm" and I said "No, it's real easy, lemme show you how" and he said "Nope, cheesedogs" and I said "Really, no, blogging, it's" and this kept up for about the next eleven years but then he took off and became really great. His soon to be commercial success brings a tear of pride to my eye.
I was once offered to be the professionally-paid blogger of Beef Magazine Online but I turned it down because I wanted to stay "indie."
posted by fafnir at 9:16 PM
I have returned from my mysterious travels arooooound the glooooobe but so much has changed since I left America! Haiti is now a different Haiti! Iraq has an interim constitution! George Bush is walkin towards me out of my teevee in slow-motion purposefully and steadfully! The world is now ruled by an evil dictator and Nazis won World War II! - and all on account of I stepped on that butterfly. Stupid butterfly. And Giblets is holding a duck. "What?" he says. "It's Giblets's duck. This duck is Giblets's. Dance for Giblets, duck!" There is so much I need to catch up on.
posted by fafnir at 6:38 PM
Saturday, March 6, 2004
Well Fafblog's travels around the world are nearly over. We have gone to lots of places (like here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here) and we have seen exciting and amazing things, like blimps and eskimos! But now our time is almost done.
In the future stuff looks a lot like the present only older and with more junk. But it is futuristic junk! I am bein shown around by Future Fafnir who looks just like Regular Fafnir (which is me! a shout out to me! hi, me) only he has a space helmet. "Because of the rays," he says. "Oooo," I says. "And because it's the future!" he says. "Hooray!" I says. "Will we have more stuff in the future?" I says. "We will have new stuff, but we'll lose some old stuff," he says. "Like we will have more furniture and cars! But we will lose some animals, like frogs and giraffes." "Oh no!" I says. "Not giraffes!" "Probly under the furniture," he says. "What is the future made of," I says. "I have heard the future is our children." "The future is not really children," he says. "But it is big machines that are programmed to simulate children!" "Wow!" I says. "Science and technology!" "And we make toast faster than anyone!" he says, giving me a delicious piece of hot toast. "Who is in charge of the future?" I says. "I dunno," he says. "There is lots of news on television, but all the news is about other news, so nobody knows what's goin on." "What about the economy," I says. "What are the exports of the future? What are the imports." "We import everything!" he says. "And we export chunky pieces a plastic, like this one on the ground here." "What about arts and culture?" I says. "They are very fast," he says. "Everything is fast in the future! TV shows are over in fifteen minutes. CDs are thirty seconds long. We have to be done with them real quick so we can get back to work and get done with work so we can get back to relaxing, fast!" "Relax!" says Future Giblets runnin up to me. "Relax noooooooow!" "Wow, you're just like regular Giblets, but angrier and bossier!" says me. "Now work for Future Giblets," says Future Giblets. "Make textiles." "How are diplomatic relations between our people in the present and your people in the future?" I says. "We are angry at the present!" says Future Giblets. "Sooo angry." "But we miss the present too and would like to move there," says Future Fafnir. "It has nicer parks and beaches." "You are all so interesting I wish I could stay forever!" I says. "But I have to go back home. I left pretzels cooking!" "Oh! You don't want your pretzels burned when you get to the future," says Future Fafnir. "Be better when you go back to the present!" says Future Giblets. "Do not lose your giraffes!" "Don't worry I won't!" I says. This is my promise to the future. I will not lose my giraffes, and I will not burn my pretzels.
posted by fafnir at 11:13 PM
So Fafnir has called Giblets up from his airblimp - from traveling, which he'll be done with soon - and said "Giiiiibleeeeets, why aren't you piiiiiie-bloooooging" - and Giblets said cause Giblets doesn't care about stupid pie. And he said "But Giiiiiiiibleeeeeets" and I said No more stupid pie! and he said "You've got to do the piiiiiiiiiiie-bloooooogging," and Giblets said okay okay Giblets will blog your pie-blogging! Sheesh.
 This is a pie.It is a stupid fat pie that doesn't know what's good for it. Look at it. If it did, would it be a pie, sitting there to be eaten like a stupid pie? No! It would be a motorcycle or an alligator or a tank or an ape made of smaller apes, all of which could adequately run away from or defend themselves against someone like Giblets who wants to eat them. But it is not a motorcycle or an alligator or a tank or an ape made of smaller apes. It's a stupid pie! It is also an insolent pie. "Dance for Giblets, pie!" says Giblets. Does the pie dance? No, the pie remains exactly where it is. Insolent pie! It is no good for amusing Giblets. All it is good for is being eaten. It is also a heartless and insensitive pie. Does it care that Giblets has feelings? Does it ask "How was your day Giblets?" "Are you lonely Giblets?" No, it does not, because it does not care about Giblets, or about anyone. What a horrible, selfish pie. There is only one thing for you, pie, and that is eating. I wish I could say I am sorry but all Giblets has left for you is bitterness. Giblets almost feels like he never knew you, pie. It's a bitter, bitter thing to eat a pie. Labels: pie
posted by Giblets at 12:10 PM
So Giblets has finally seen these "Reelect me George Bush" ads everyone is talking about. You can see them here. Giblets believes they are called "Tested," "Strength and Strengthudice," and "Resteadicated."
In them Bush talks about economic recession and includes images of 9/11, which have angered some namby-pamby bleeding-heart "families of the dead." Well, as James Lileks says, "it's called running on one's record. They get to do that." Okay, fine. War, recession, massive terrorist attack on American soil, that's great - but what're you gonna do for me next year? Nuke in the Sears Tower? Massive depression? Ricin attack in Madison Square Garden? Land invasion of China? Giblets needs some red meat!
posted by Giblets at 9:05 AM
Tuesday, March 2, 2004
This is part of an incredible ongoing series of around the world TRAVELBLOGGING! It's like blogging only with travel attached. What new words can you make while blogging? Try this on your own! Answers are at the bottom. Previous foreign lands have included Canada, Israel, Iraq, Europe, the Moon, the office building, and the mall.
Televison is a mysterious and magical place. I am sitting behind a desk. I have a desk at home but this is much better and shinier - it is a television desk! It is an expert desk! It says "Fafnir is smart and important! Listen up, universe!" I also have a name that magically appears under my face whenever I am shown along with my profession. FAFNIR: FAFNIR. My profession is also Fafnir. There are other people here - the native inhabitants of television. They are big and loud and puffy and also sit at special television desks like mine, only they have television desks all the time so they're even more special than I am because this isn't my real desk, my real desk is just a plain ol boring ol desk, not a television desk. When I enter a room I do not have exciting theme music and flag color graphics. Everyone gets flag color graphics on television! We are on and we are arguing, which is what we do on television! "You are stupid and evil and wrong!" says Television Person Opposed To Other Television Person. "No you are stupid and evil and wrong!" says Other Television Person Opposed To Previous Television Person. The host is on here to resolve the dispute. "Stupid!" he says. "Stupid stupid. Evil, evil wrong! Stupid evil, wrong wrong wrong!" The host is on television more than any of us, and is therefore the most real. Now I am arguing with a man shaped like a wrinkled egg! "But if we just eat cows all the cows will run away." "You just want to eat trucks! You're a slave to the Big Truck lobby!" "All I am saying is why can't people and balloons get along. There is no need for this unilateral anti-balloon aggression." "National security! National security! What will you do when a balloon causes another 9-11! National security!" "I believe the humans and the glofish can live in peace." The host says "Thirty seconds left! Fafnir, final word!" And I have the final word! "People think things are going down but I think things are going up or better yet sideways, and that's good, because when they go sideways they can go off to the left, which is where the sandwich store is, which is giving out tiny miniaturized bears. Look at all those tiny miniaturized bears. Can't you feel the love America? Can't you feel the love?" Then we go to Commercial, and now we are a coolrefrshing mountain stream selling a rugged SUV and we are an exploding can of tasty cola and its cartoon mascot and we are a tough yet trustworthy old businessman giving advice on mutual funds and we are so much more! There are so many things on to see and do and be on television! I wish I had more time but there is never enough time on tv. (-blogging answers: moonblogging, orthoblogging, shoeblogging, Catholoblogging, monsterblogging, explodoblogging, conquistoblogging, Goetterdammerblogging)
posted by fafnir at 9:44 AM
Saturday, February 28, 2004
dir: Mel Gibson
reviewed by: Giblets Here are the notes I took on "The Passion": - Wait, this is a foreign film? If Giblets wanted to read he'd buy a book. Jesus. - Guards beat on Jesus when they arrest him. Serves him right for being a criminal - Giblets is "tough on crime." - But before the trial, even more beating. - And the beating continues. - Y'know what our court procedures need here in America? More beatings. - Oh, and now they're talking! Booooring. Get back to the beating! - King of Jews this, messiah that. This is like the part in the porno where the girl is surprised by the pizza delivery guy. - Pilate is soft spoken, sensitive and thoughtful. I like that in a tyrant. - Now they're flogging him - A lot of flogging here - The flogging is still going strong. Man, Mel Gibson must be really pissed at this Jesus person. - Wow, Mel Gibson sure does like his flogging, doesn't he? - About ten minutes into the flogging the Horrors burst free through my little desensitized skull and rampage throughout my brain. Dear god the Horrors! - Whoops, now I'm used to the Horrors again. Whew, that was close! - Jesus is now being spat at while he carries the cross up the road. Pretty seriously desensitizing at this point. In fact I'm kind of getting a heady impressionable desire to crucify someone myself. - The Horrors are now singing to me, "Let's go out to the lobby, let's go out to the lobby, let's go out to the lobby, and get ourselves a snack." Great idea, Horrors. Giblets is feeling like some Raisinettes right now. - And now a raven eats another cross-guy's eyeball. Shows you for screwing with the Romans, cross-guy! - Jesus is now dead. I have to say I kind of saw that one coming. - And wait - now he's back! Back with a vengeance. The ending's pretty weak - just a setup for the revenge-pic sequel, which should've just been Act 2 of this one - and you never really get introduced to these characters. Who is this Jesus guy? It is implied he is some kind of politician because in one of the flashbacks he's giving a speech. But throw us a real bone here Gibson! Give us an origin story! Bitten by a radioactive God? Strange visitor from another planet born of Mary? Giblets needs context! I also want to know what happens next to Jesus. After two hours of torture and death he isn't coming back to life just to play nice and absolve sins. No, he is coming back to give the mother of all ass-stompings. But we never get to see it. It's like seeing Dirty Harry's partners get killed off over and over again, and then having the movie end right there. Giblets demands satisfaction! Giblets demands vengeance! The supporting cast was very underdeveloped. There was some old lady who kept running around pestering Jesus from torture site to torture site, it was kind of weird. Is she the janitor because they show her cleaning up blood, or is she just some sicko who's "into" this stuff? Then there was Mary Magdalene, who was hot, but didn't get nearly as much screen time. Put the hot chick up front, Gibson! Of all the supporting characters, I would have to say the one who comes off the best by far is Pilate. Now of all the Roman tyrants who send thousand of Jews to their agonizing deaths without trial I have to say Pilate has to be the nicest. A lot of people are asking, "Is this movie anti-semitic"? Well, Giblets doesn't know about that. On the one hand there are mobs of angry crazed Jews hungry for Jesus-blood. On the other hand Mel Gibson has said that the movie is not anti-Semitic, and that he is only portraying events as they occurred. And how can you argue with that. Labels: film
posted by Giblets at 9:35 PM
Giblets has heard enough of this "The Passion of the Christ" mumbo jumbo. Giblets is departing hereforthwith to see this film himself and comment upon it. You WILL be apprised of Giblets's opinion of the film, which will be officially known as The Official Universal Opinion Regarding Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ."
I have big hopes for this movie because of the following:
posted by Giblets at 11:36 AM
Friday, February 27, 2004
Fafblog's journey to wondrous and foreign countries continues! You can see all our previous trips to Canada the Holy Land Iraq Europe the Moon and the office building. Fafblog boldly blogs where no one has blogged before. Or where others have blogged before but with arguably less panache. Fafblog has so! much! panache!
The mall is a bright and welcoming land. As I enter the country I am greeted not by guards or by terrorist searches but by a giant person in a pink bear suit bearing coupons for candy. This is a wonderful idea! Why don't we have pink bear suits at US customs! I would get stopped less by them I bet. Paris has been called the City of Lights but y'know it has nothing on the mall, which is full of wonderful twinkling shiny things and music that floats serenely through the air in a comforting loop. I know that the mall will always be here to welcome me and love me just like I know that the electrosynth version of Pachelbel's canon plays every 56 minutes. And the food! The mall has a luxurious Court of Food where a veritable panopoly of cuisine internationale is ready and available from Chinese to Italian to Other Chinese to Tacos to Chicken In A Box to Arby's! I have been all over the world but no other land embraces the cosmopolitan spirit like the mall. The center of the mall is Holiday Village which is presided over by the Holiday Man. Sometimes he is a giant rabbit! Sometimes he is a terrifying Santa Claus. Sometimes he is an information booth! I go up to the Holiday Man and ask him where I can purchase a purple umbrella, he is quite helpful. Mallians are very spiritual people. They are not interested in the acquisition of physical things. They are interested in the acquisition of spiritual things shaped like physical things. But the best thing about mall people is that they are open to a variety of spiritual enlightenment, not limiting themselves to yknow just cds or clothes or pizzas but cds and clothes and pizzas from different stores, too. They are sort of like Unitarians that way, or maybe Quakers or the B'hai, only with extra greed. "Is this right?" one of them asks in a shop holdin up a book or a Magic 8-ball or a sandwich. I do not know mall person - only you in your own inner journey can decide if that is right for you. And that journey may take a lifetime.
posted by fafnir at 3:57 PM
So Giblets woke up today from a 24-hour-long pizza-pretzel, monkey beer, and fishing show marathon to find out that Haiti has gone nuts. "Haiti!" Giblets said. "Giblets said nothing about Haiti going nuts! Back with you, Haiti!" And then it suited Giblets in his supreme Gibletsian nature to run to the bathroom and throw up for a few hours. A decree issues forth from Giblets, my subjects: monkey beer and pizza-pretzels do not mix.
Apparently this Haitian thing has happened before, a few times. What is wrong with you, Haiti! Are you not in the imperium of Giblets? Are you not the 53rd state or something? Get a grip or we will have to toast you good. Giblets has a headache but he will return.
posted by Giblets at 2:19 PM
Thursday, February 26, 2004
This is part of an ongoing series of whatsis through strange and foreign lands which you are reading, hooray! You can read the others here here here here and here.
The office building is a strange and corridory place. I am greeted at customs by a native who extends a greeting of "hey wait you cant go into the office building" and in return I extend to him a Hawaiian lei. Aloha, office building! The office building is bizarre and frightens most visitors which it why its natives are so unused to tourists. But that is only because it is so misunderstood. The office building natives are a quiet simple people, content to graze in their cube shaped huts and perform their simple native rituals. Entering an office building village I am greeted by the rhythmic clicking and ringing of indigenous office instruments and by ancient office chants: thenkyoo for calling customerservice thissis vincentspeaking howmayihelpyou thenkyoo for calling customerservice thissis vincentspeaking howmayihelpyou The huts of the office people are decorated with their primitive yet abstract art. Some are pictures of babies which is odd because there are no babies in the building vllage, office people are born fully grown from large metal pods in the parking lot outside. Some are signs with villager's names on them which are believed to protect ones identity and status from evil spirits. One shows a picture of a rock with the word TEAMWORK on it. Silly office people! Teamwork doesn't look like a rock. It looks like a butterfly. Some huts are empty. These are where old villagers used to live before they were taken from their homes and released from the office building into the cold cruel world outside to be devoured, like Eskimos, by predators and the public transit system. It is sad and terrible to watch but to interfere with this process would be to disturb the development of another culture. While I am walkin along the village streets eatin chips and sayin hi, I am suddenly surprised to see Chris here. Chris! What are you doing in the office building! Chris looks sad and desperate. Oh no Chris is a prisoner of the office people! Have they been conducting raids to capture slaves? I cant leave my friend here in a hostile territory. I grab Chris and yell "go go go!" As we are running towards the office people's "magic basket" - a pulley device used to raise and lower office people from one village to another - the village chieftain emerges from his special taller hut. He is marked in the traditional manner of office people chiefs, bald and fat with the meat of his rivals. He stands in the office road emitting native cries of "yoofied! yoofied!" but we do not listen. At the gate as we are leaving I leave behind a cup of coffee and a box of paper clips in offering to the native gods. Our visit to the office building has been a bittersweet one. Have we truly come closer to understandin its savage yet unique culture or will it always remain a riddle wrapped in another riddle wrapped in a cafeteria donut? We will have to study this further to come to terms with this mysterious culture.
posted by fafnir at 8:25 PM
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
So I am sitting here in my cheetos eating my soup and staring at the television and wondering when oh when will Fafnir come back and there on the television is the President George W Bush talking about a constitutional ban on gay marriage. Well, crap. Who ordered that?
Oh. That's right. Crazy religious zealots ordered that. Giblets hates everything.
posted by Giblets at 8:16 PM
This is part 5 of a part-sumpin series in which Faf travels around the World! you can read parts 1, 2, 3 and 4 too. This is cutting edge Journalism.
The first thing you notice on the moon is the junk. But not just any old junk it is moon junk! I mean we have candy wrappers and newspapers and plastic bags and old condoms on earth but they have moon wrappers and moon bags and moon condoms up there! I excitedly pick up a half-eaten McFishwich and put it in my souvenir bag for Giblets. On the way to Moon City I was stopped by an old moon man who could see of course that I was a Norwegian-Sri Lankan who lives in America. "Oh you Norwegian-Sri Lankans who live in America," he said shaking his long blue moon beard, "how much damage you have done to us, the moon." There was nothing I could say because I knew it was true. I have tried not to eat the delicious moon juice my people have juiced from your moon, moon men! But it is just so juicy and delicious! Indigenous moon culture has suffered ever since the first Moonstronauts landed here. While Earth culture like McDonalds and Coke and breathable air has become very popular here it has pushed out native culture like rocks, and having no air. "I miss the old days," the old moon man says. "Back when you could step out onto a clean moon on a bright afternoon and suffocate in the autumn vaccuum." Perhaps those who have suffered the most are the moonbots. Once a proud and vibrant people with metal claws, torso lasers and a set of unique spiritual and artistic traditions, the moonbots now while away their time in moonbot ghettos making fizzy noises with their deactivated death rays. "DESTROY INTRUDER," one says sadly to me sittin on a corner sadly holding out a hat for change. "EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE. DESTROY INTRUDER." A small robotic tear is rolling down from its robotic eye. I know how it feels. At Moon Square in Moon City they have the biggest McDonalds on the Moon. The McDonalds arches there are visible from earth and are sometimes mistaken for God by small children, which is understnadable, because God also circles the world dispensing hot crispy fries. But at what cost? At what cost? "Would you like a McMoon?" says the McDonalds person. No I would not like a McMoon! I would like a real moon! But I order one anyway because it is so fried and tasty. But I will not supersize it! Oh but I do supersize it, after some prodding. I sit on the edge of the Moon Sea and look up at the sad sad stars. Exterminate exterminate destroy all intruders indeed, gentle moon. Exterminate exterminate destroy all intruders indeed.
posted by fafnir at 11:31 AM
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for your
listening pleasure 
The Apples In Stereo New Magnetic Wonder 
Magnetic Fields Distortion 
Celebration The Modern Tribe 
Man or Astro-Man? EEVIAC
for your
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Ayman al-Zawahiri:
