Wednesday, February 4, 2004
So recently a lotta people have been gettin excited about President Bush's military record and him bein AWOL in Vietnam. California blogger and pretzel czar Kevin Drum says the President should release his military records.
Now I should say right now that I trust that the President is tellin me the truth. I mean why would he lie about stuff? He probably cannot reveal his military record on account of Vast National Security Reasons, like maybe he was fighting the commies or perhaps a secret space squid - from space! - with terrorist connections. If we let the world know how he defeated the space squid before, then it will grow stronger, and the terrorists will win. I do not want the space squid to kill freedom!
But there is a solution to this, and it involves me, Fafnir. I am willing to lend a hand and be an objective observer of the President's National Guard records and then report on the outcome which I am sure will settle everyone down and allow the country to heal its wounds of partisan woundship. To this end I sent this email to President Bush this afternoon:
Hey George how's things! Things are fine.
Well there's been a lotta hubbub about your National Guard duty lately and I think it's a shame. But yknow it's gonna keep gettin talked about until somebody puts it to rest and lets the country move on. George I am just that somebody. I am fair and objective and well-loved by most everybody. If Fafnir cannot give a fair and objective accounting of your service well then nobody can and we all might as well be doomed to be eaten by terrorists, or very large ducks.
You won't really have to release your records to the public. You can just send em to me and I'll check em out and tell everyone "it's all cool" and the everyone'll be like "dude." And then the Healing can begin. I won't need to give out any details (they don't need to know about the squid - that can be "our little secret") because I am the very widely respected and trusted bipartisan Fafnir (way more widely respected and trusted than that Walter Cronkite bastard) and cannot tell a lie.
You can email me all your National Guard documents to email@example.com. It is time to unite this country again George and I think we can do it. Or else, yknow, ducks. You would not leave us to those! I believe in you big guy!
P.S. Do not send them as a .zip or Outlook'll think it is a virus.
posted by fafnir at 3:31 PM