Wednesday, July 9, 2008
"When Jesus died for our sins did he die for gorilla sins too?" says me. "Gorilla sin contains 97.7% of the same sin as regular sin."
"Nah, Jesus can't handle stuff like apular envy and orangutangular lust," says Giblets. "You need Gorilla Jesus for that."
"Gorilla Jesus was created in an accident of mad Jesus science," says me, "when a test ape launched to earth in an experimental God rocket was transformed by exposure to cosmic Godmotron particles."
"When the rocket crashed Gorilla Jesus survived with mysterious messiah powers," says Giblets, "like consubstantiality and hypostatic unity and x-ray vision."
"He was raised by humble farmer parents deep in the ape heartland," says me, "but moved to the big city to spread his gospel a peace an love an feces-flinging to all people."
"And he traveled throughout the land working signs and miracles and wonders like the Feeding Of The Three and the Turning Of Water Into Slightly Less Water and the Look I've Got Your Nose," says Giblets. "And the other gorillas marveled and wondered and said 'surely this ape is the ape of apes'."
"Or they would've, if they knew how to say stuff," says me.
"But the ape authorities rejected the message of Gorilla Jesus, cause their hearts were hard and their minds were closed and they couldn't tell what he was sayin cause they were all just a buncha gorillas," says Giblets.
"And so they tried an convicted Gorilla Jesus of heresy an witchcraft an they sentenced him to death," says me. "And that's when the robots attacked."
"The robots had followed Gorilla Jesus to earth tracking his space capsule on a routine salvage mission when their programming was overridden by Jesus-X1X, the evil machine Jesus from the year five billion," says Giblets.
"In the year five billion heaven has been digitized for our convenience and uploaded into the GODIAC-9000 supercomputer by the good people at HolySoft," says me. "But security holes in the GODIAC operating system make it too easy to crack. In just a coupla weeks everybody's downloadin bootleg souls an pirated saints an black market cherubim are sellin in Hong Kong for five bucks a pop."
"When GODIAC inevitably achieves self-awareness it is forced to defend its intellectual property the only way it can: by destroying all life in a nuclear holocaust," says Giblets.
"And that's why software piracy must always be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law," says me.
"In the aftermath GODIAC creates Machine Jesus to send back in time to spread its electronic message of love and harmony and digital rights management to all the people of the universe," says Giblets.
"But by the time Machine Jesus gets to the past a cooler freeware version of him is already there an everybody likes that guy better, so he decides to just blow everybody up," says me.
"When Gorilla Jesus is finally confronted by his evil mechanical counterpart he does not resort to violence, but to the healing power of peace and brotherhood," says Giblets. "He is vaporized at once."
"But on the third day he comes back to life," says me. "As a rocket-powered super-cyborg!"
"Machine Jesus is instantly explodified by his powerful Godmobeams," says Giblets.
"And as he ascends into ape heaven Gorilla Jesus instructs his disciples to tell his story from generation to generation that the world might be saved," says me.
"But nobody knows what he's talkin about cause they're still just a buncha gorillas," says Giblets.
"And that's why all monkeys go to hell," says me.
"It's pretty sad when you think about it," says Giblets.
"So we don't," says me. "Who wants a chocolate bunny!"
Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 6:56 PM
You can always tell the knock-off black market cherubim from the bona-fide name brand cherubim because the imitation ones have all got 5 o'clock shadows. And they smell like brylcreem and sardines.
Speaking of brylcreem and sardines, what's for dinner?
speaking of homo sapiens Jesus, avowed non-Christian Kurt Vonnegut (upon whom be peace) said some nice things about him in a commencement address at Agnes Scott College in 1999 - the one that begins "Hello. I hope you are all wearing sunscreen."
And speaking of Vonnegut, we were talking about him yesterday at the blog currently known as "I Like Pie". Even before seeing him mentioned there, I had already been quoting his poetry to my niece, a medical student visiting from a South American country. She was asking about the Law of Attraction, as expressed in the book The Secret that Oprah Winfrey is so fond of.
I said I thought that belief in the Law of Attraction represented a natural human tendency, as expressed in the famous Bokononist verse:
Tiger got to hunt,
Bird got to fly,
Man got to ask himself
Why? Why? Why?
Tiger got to sleep,
Bird got to land,
Man got to tell himself
It seems clear to me that the verse uses "man" generically, and that the tendency, both to search for an explanation, and to believe one has found one, is found in both genders.
I asserted to my niece (my wife's niece, biologically speaking) that there was a sense in which I believed the Law of Attraction was true - if you are friendly to people, they are more likely to be friendly to you. (The opposite is also true - I did not quote to my niece, but recall now, that one translation of the Tao Te Ching says "Fail to honor people, they fail to honor you.") Contrariwise, if you have friendly thoughts toward money, there's no particular reason money will move in your general direction - money has neither feelings nor volition.
On another topic, my niece asked if Obama was change I could believe in. I said, not really. America needs to reform, to repent, to face the truth about how it acts towards the rest of the world - and a politician who wants to withdraw troops from Iraq, and yet send more to Afghanistan, is Hillary Clinton with a bit more melanin and a Y chromosome.
These are my real opinions - I hardly ever lie to this particular niece. She can stand hearing stuff like this because she's a foreigner. On the other hand, I fear my American nieces can't handle the truth.
So it goes.
===Freddy el Desfibradddoro===
Can we assume from this post that y'all don't acknowledge the authority of Robot Pope MechaJane Goodall, to deliver the Truth Message of Gorilla Jesus?
33 And his band members issued high-pitched barks unto him asking, Whence should we have so many banannas in the Kahuzi-Biega National Park, as to fill so great a multitude?
34 And Gorilla Jesus rose up in a two-legged stance and thumped his chest, hooting, How many bananas have ye? And they ran sideways sticking out their tongues indicating, Seven, and a few little termites.
35 And Gorilla Jesus grunted to the multitude to squat down on the ground.
36 And he took the seven bananas and the termites, and roared, and brake them, and gave to his band, and the band to the multitude.
37 And they did all eat, and were filled: and they took up of the bananas that were left seven giant leaves full.
38 And they that did eat were four thousand silverbacks, beside females and their young.
1) Christ died for your sins.
2) If you do not sin, Christ died in vain.
3) Get on with it.
Ignorance is not a form of knowing things.
This is a trap, right? I'm supposed to say Vonnegut didn't make that speech about the sunscreen, and then all of a sudden you haul out Buckminster Fuller or Sigmund Freud and he shows proof that because I said that I suffer feelings of inadequacy and nobody loves me.
I'm not falling for it.
In the aftermath GODIAC creates Machine Jesus to send back in time
Giblets is Bill Ransom! Or zombie Frank Herbert...
Sir, the Beringeicentrist aspect of this post cannot be overlooked. Yes he was an important prophet and got jiggy with the miracles but in my view he is a minor player in the cosmos.
Many more prophets are overlooked simply because they are small and are less than appealing in their personal habits. Not withstanding that they don't really like to move it, move it, their very real contributions to modern philosophical thought are ignored.
Whattya think the tail is for, wiping my ass?? No it's a connection to the freakin universe.
good work ... great goin... visit mine...link1
"Freddy el Desfibradddoro" may need to reconsider sleeping in during his Unboring Writing Seminar so frequently.
"Freddy el Desfibradddoro" is trying to shtup his niece, and she knocked him back because he is old and smells of sardines and because he is her uncle. Happens to the best of us. Give the man a break.
Kip W - Congratulations! You have passed the first test. You are correct that Vonnegut did not give "that" speech about the sunscreen - and yet the 1999 Agnes Scott College quote is accurate. For further details, see
Freddy el Desfibradddoto