Monday, February 2, 2009
"The earth will quake and the sea will boil and the moon will be as blood and every knee shall bow before the coming of the Fafblocalypse!" says Giblets.
"Or we could take the bus home," says me.
"The bus is damned!" says Giblets. "It is dumb and lame and smells like bus-smell and its name shall be struck from the Book of Life which is the second death!"
"I don't see a book a life," says me goin through the knapsack. "We got some mad libs an a ol Count Chocula box an a copy a Dr. Seuss's Gustavus Goose and the Moose on the Loose."
"Then the bus's name shall be struck from that!" says Giblets. "Which is, like, one and a half deaths at least."
"Maybe we can take the train then," says me.
"Amtrak is also damned!" says Giblets. "All are lame and fallen short of the glory of Giblets! Fetch the list of plagues!"
"Sugar, corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup," says me readin the Count Chocula box. "Lecithin, niacin, potassium sorbate, potassium benzoate..."
"On the first day will come the plague of rats!" says Giblets. "On the second day will come the plague of even fatter rats! On the third day will come ice cream."
"See, there you go!" says me. "Everybody likes ice cream."
"Ice cream full of rats!" says Giblets. "On the fourth day will come the plague of locusts. On the fifth day will come the plague of tiny rats riding locusts and throwing tiny rat spears at everybody! On the sixth day will come the plague of frogs!"
"What happens if the plague of frogs starts eatin the plague of locusts?" says me.
"Well then Giblets will smite the plague of frogs with a plague of snakes," says Giblets.
"But won't the plague of snakes just eat the plague of rats?" says me.
"Then Giblets will just have to smite the plague of snakes with a plague of mongooses!" says Giblets.
"But then the mongooses will just eat the rest a the locusts," says me.
"Oh, stupid insectivores!" says Giblets. "The food chain is damned!"
"Hey, I know!" says me. "Maybe we can just forget the whole plague thing an try somethin different. Like insteada blowin up the world we could make it stay after school or boycott its advertisers or write a strongly-worded letter to its ombudsman."
"Never! The world has been wicked and forgotten our commandments!" says Giblets. "The first commandment is to obey our commandments. The second commandment is to obey the first commandment. The third commandment is why aren't you obeying our commandments? The fourth commandment is you are damned!"
"They're the time-tested moral truths this country was founded on," says me.
"And that's why it's damned!" says Giblets. "Which reminds me, it's time for the roll call of the damned! When you hear your name called line up on the left-hand side for the lake of fire and rats. Remember no pushing or cutsies! Cutsies will be damned!"
"I don't see who you're talkin to," says me lookin around.
"Well we musta got here early," says Giblets. "The rest of the world should be here any minute now."
"I still don't see em," says me. "Maybe you forgot to send the invites."
"No, Giblets sent them out like a month ago!" says Giblets. "They were on the little Transformer party cards that said 'end of the world, Monday at three, save the date'."
"Well maybe you shoulda told everybody there was gonna be cake," says me.
"The cake was gonna be the big surprise!" says Giblets kickin the cake. "Well no more Mr. Nice Armageddon! Double the rats! Triple the plagues! Release the ominous dream midgets! Everybody's extra-damned now!"
"I don't think anybody's coming, Giblets," says me feedin a piece a carrot to one a the rats.
"Well obviously!" says Giblets. "And now Giblets has sixteen plagues and a rented lake of fire that are just going to waste!"
"No, I mean I don't think anybody's coming ever," says me.
"Giblets doesn't understand," says Giblets.
"There's nobody left, Giblets," says me. "The world's already ended."
The rat finishes the carrot and looks around. It's pretty quiet.
"You talk crazy talk!" says Giblets. "The world can't end!"
"It musta happened a while ago," says me. "The good guys were busy bombin the bad guys for tryin to bomb the good guys back, an in the meantime the ocean started rising, so they bombed the ocean, which worked okay till they started runnin outta ocean. Then they started drillin in the ocean for more ocean, and -"
"Why didn't you tell Giblets!" says Giblets.
"Well you seemed so excited," says me.
"But! Bhaheh!" says Giblets. "But Giblets likes the world."
"It's not so bad Giblets," says me. "We got some good mossy rocks, an the rain still works, an maybe if you're good in a coupla hundred million years we'll get some kinda squid people."
Giblets sniffs. "Really?" says Giblets. "You promise?"
"Well first you gotta show you're responsible," says me. "Like maybe we can start you out with some bugs an microbes for a while, an if you take good care of em maybe in a coupla geological epochs we can get you some vertebrates or hunter-gatherers or a puppy."
"Giblets promises he'll be good!" says Giblets. "Giblets will feed the world and walk it and play with it every day!"
"Well, okay then," says me pickin up the last couple rats. "We can start off with these guys an see where it goes from there."
"Giblets will name this one Atom, for he will be the foundational element of our bold new world!" says Giblets.
"And I'll name this one Steve, after my uncle Steve," says me.
"And together they shall claim tomorrow for all ratkind!" says Giblets.
"Could be worse," says me.
Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 8:29 AM
I think the damned all went to the Econopocalypse over at Uncle Sam's. I hear they're giving out million-dollar bonus door prizes and there's a taxpayer-funded open bar! Don't take it personally, everybody just goes for the biggest stimulus around.
Here it is, only Monday, and already I miss the American Elm, and the great auk, and the passenger pigeon, and Steller's sea cow, and the American Chestnut, and the ivory-billed woodpecker, and the rhinos and the tigers, the dodo and the California golden grizzly bear, the mussels in the Ohio river, the funny little fish in that spring in Tennesee, remember them? - the eskimo curlew and the cranes and the California runs of king salmon and sardines, the North Atlantic cod, all my old friends gone or going.
Long ago it must be
I have a photograph
Now Blogger wants me to type the word "calizene" which I don't know what it means either. Why must I type these strange words in order to express support for the work of Fafnir? Am I secretly sending signals to the partisans that the invasion force is about to debark? What happens if I say the word aloud? There, I'm saying it: CALIZENE....Oh NOOOOOOOOO glrkkk sgzxk knbx.........egkkk
Say. You fellas wouldn't care to share with your loyal readers when this end of the world thingie is going to happen, would you?
Have I mentioned that I'm an excellent rat wrangler?
The world already ended you silly goose. The Apocalypse came and went but perception has a lot of inertia. You can see it out of the corner of your eye but you try to ignore it.
The money is all gone. Who knows that knows.
I hope Giblets remembered to ask the Gay League of Atheist Seditious Scientists to perfect their evil and unnatural homosexual reproduction techniques before he invoked the end of the world.
Otherwise Atom and Steve aren't going to be able to fill that glass with rats and their deity Giblets will be awfully disappointed for the next few epochs...
NOT the ominous dream midgets! Please, I can't take that! I tried to stop the bad guys getting bombed by the good guys. I did. I did! Not the dream midgets! That's too horrible a plague, no matter how mad you are.
Polar bears! Before the world ended there were these enormous white bears with black eyes and black noses that lived on the ice shelves around the Arctic Ocean (back when there were ice shelves around the Arctic Ocean).
And my cousins the lemurs useta have these great parties in Madagascar, but now the world has ended it's all just like everywhere else, all completely covered with people and their stuff, except these people in Madagascar are actually standin' on Zanzibar.
If you know what I mean and I think that you do.
tarj -For a long time i've thought of pigeons as rats with feathers.
My word verfication word is "cults". Not only is it similar to a real word, it IS a real word. Coincidence, or conspiracy?
Giblets! What in the hell were you thinking? One does not serve cake for the end of the world. Everyone knows that economaggedon requires pie. I bet you wear white after Labor Day, too.
If you had served pie, people would have embraced your plagues and called it 'stimulus' and then been well and truly damned. Now we're stuck in the world of Steve and Atom, and even if there was pie, they would just rendition it away to be drowned on a board in Somewherestan. They are rats you know - evil, sadistic, torturing rats. And now our pie will have to wait until that far off future epoch where rats learn to share, bus-smell is banned, and there are enhanced pie making techniques.
Where can I rent me a lake of fire? And can I get a small one to cover with a towel so people fall into it and I can say a Nelsonic "Ha, ha" while the flesh burns from their limbs?
Word verification: poltri. Hmm...and then manliess. It's a letter from a real word...
The world is like the novel "[Last] Stand on Zanzibar", but written by Philip K Dick, not John Brunner. How did that happen, they're both dead?
I once met a pet bush-baby.
A sloppy second coming is all we get???
BTW my super secret word to post is "dicast"
dicast: to be assified by that ultimate dick who used to pull georgie boy's puppet strings (when he wasn't too busy shooting old men in the face)
The rain still works...
And everything else.
This whole blog, a work of rare genius.
Can Giblets get on this 12/12/12 stuff and get some much-needed coherence into these 21st-century harbringers of doom?
Just when you start thinking everything maybe is going to be OK, all of a sudden it's the dang end of the world. No wonder I haven't been sleeping good!
What we really need from Fafblog is some sound investment advice.
On the fifth day will come the plague of tiny rats riding locusts and throwing tiny rat spears at everybody!
Finally, Change I can believe in!
You deviants! Everyone knows it's Atom and Eve, not Atom and Steve! Into the lake of fire, the lot of you!
Speaking of rats named Steve, actor Steve Buscemi voiced the character Templeton the Rat in the 2006 movie of Charlotte's Web, which missus charley, m.d. and I saw this past weekend. Although Templeton has the reputation of being self-centered, and speaks of himself that way, in fact he does some kind things. An even fuller portrayal of the buddha nature of fictional rats can be found in The Secret of NIMH, and you may already be familiar with the lovable Remy in the recent hit Ratatouille.
And speaking of investment advice, Josh Marshall points us toward a video clip in which Nouriel "Dr. Doom" Roubini and Nassim "Don't Think of a Black Swan" Taleb speak of a deep structural crisis in the world economy. "They're predicting the end of finance, and offering the only clear path out of this mess that I've seen offered (with the knowledge to back it up), and CNBC keeps asking them for stock tips."
In today's Financial Times, it is reported that sales of gold coins have reached record levels. "The US Mint sold 92,000 ounces of its popular American Eagle coin last month, almost four times what it sold a year ago and more than it shipped during the whole of the first half of 2007."
Chinese spam is so not filling. You need to consume more after an hour or so just to stay spamified.
The Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents by Terry Pratchett is my rat book of choice.
Could the world not have ended but be having a sort of "Snooze on the couch" time. Like "All I'm asking for, here, is a bit of freakin' peace and quiet!Is that so difficult?" *sobs*
and that's why the rain works but the cake didn't.
Wow, after all that Eastern persuasion, what can one little rodentia do?
Gotta jones for this blog? Well then, why not converse in a language in which most can cognate?
We will return the favor, as needed...
Does Giblets notice? Does anyone else?
On to better worlds.