Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Well it's sure been a whirlwind two-and-a-half years, but election day's already here! Before Campaign '08 finally wraps up let's stop and take a last look at the swing states we'll be hearin about all night long.

Population: 29 million
Big issues: gas prices, the economy, explosion reform
Major swing demographics: Joe the insurgent, Joe the government-employed death squad member, Joe the sad bandaged child with one remaining limb
Electoral votes: 0
Leaning? maybe Nader

Population: 31 million
Big issues: the environment (curious rain of missiles and bullets, possibly linked to human activity)
Major swing demographics: poppy farmers, wedding survivors, Reagan Taliban
Electoral votes: 0
Leaning? might write in Ron Paul

Population: 1.5 million
Big issues: housing shortage, bulldozer/tank surplus
Major swing demographics: refugee moms, internment camp dads
Electoral votes: 0
Leaning? heard some good things about the Green Party

Population: 14 million
Big issues: food crisis, health crisis, general state of crisis
Major swing demographics: people with water, people with food, seniors (30 and up)
Electoral votes: 0
Leaning? probably just gonna stay home again

Population: five million trillion trillion, give or take
Big issues: human-induced climate change, human-induced mass extinction, destroying all humans
Major swing demographics: bacteria, tree sloths, things that destroy humans
Electoral votes: 0
Leaning? usually goes with Leviathan, beast of beasts and slayer of men, but red tide algae might tip it to McCain this year

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posted by fafnir at 2:59 PM

You forgot the Hypermarket in Calais. Mmmmmm, croissants.
E. coli resents the baseless accusation that it is a Reagan Democrat! E. coli is, and always has been, a Rockefeller Republican!

To be fair, though, it's hard to spot the difference without a microscope.

Y. pestis, on the other hand, is a Reagan Democrat.
There are seven (7!) hypermarkets in Calais! It's a big demographic.
by Anonymous skiddie, at November 04, 2008 5:31 PM
As always guys a very informative report. I was shocked to learn that Afghanistan has a larger population than Iraq. Why didn't McCain trumpet this important victory I wonder? Depopulating an entire country is a major achievement.
by Anonymous rapier, at November 04, 2008 6:41 PM
I believe Iraqui population is substantially decreased owing to displacement. 1/5 of population will have difficulty in getting their fingers dyed purple as they are away from their normal polling addresses.
thank you fafblog!

it is so nice to see you back on form, once again you are the champion of the election.

pax giblitsia/fafgemony forever/uber alles.

cheops feeley
by Anonymous cheops feeley, at November 05, 2008 1:48 AM
We love you Fafblog.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at November 05, 2008 5:52 AM
In a parallel universe:

McCain elected by the Supreme Court.
McCain assasinated.
Todd Palin dies of cancer.
President Palin marries Barack Obama after his divorce.
Additional war fronts opened in N.Korea,Pakistan,Iran.
Tina Fey impersonates Sarah Palin in phone call to Sarkozy.
Sarkozy and Carla Bruni divorce.
Palin and Carla Bruni mud-wrestle on SNL.
Palin/Obama reelected.
Stephen Hawking lands on Mars.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at November 05, 2008 7:33 AM
Now that Obama has won, the United States faces a very complicated question: who will play the various people in Obama's as yet undecided Cabinet when the inevitable film version of his life is made, probably by Oliver Stone (or Michael Bay, with extra explosive White House action sequences and 17 limo versus helicopter versus subway car chases)?

Steve Guttenberg as Obama?

Gary Coleman as Secretary of Agriculture?

Al Pacino as Joe Biden? On stilts? Wearing an old Nixon mask?

America must decide!

I think Oprah Winfrey would be perfect as Oprah Winfrey.

I suggest Will Smith as the "outer Obama" (realistic sequences) and Jamie Foxx as the "inner Obama" (dream/fantasy/reverie sequences - also featuring Cedric the Entertainer as Martin Luther King Jr., Scarlett Johansson as Marilyn Monroe, James Cromwell as Lyndon Johnson, Robin Williams as Karl Marx, and Tim Robbins as Thomas Jefferson)
@mark r.

You forgot Denzel Washington as "The Obama of Christmas Past" and Chris Rock as "Obama Penis". The latter would feature in a complex song and dance routine reminiscent of Ethel Merman in one of her vast synchronized swimming musical extravaganzas. If she was a penis.
Y.pestis would just like to say,you know, you're all going to die.
There, I said it, multicellular creeps.
by Anonymous Death as stage on the road to a new life form, at November 06, 2008 2:41 AM
talkin' 'bout vast synchronized swimming musical extravaganzas -

and also the implications of multicellular life cycles, namely sex and death -

take a look at the "Return to the Water" episode of the BBC series Life of Mammals - the footage of whale copulation is remarkable

It's disturbing how deliciously e-coli looks like cheesy poofs. Death would be a small price to pay for some of their chemical saltiness.
by Anonymous ncp car parks, at November 10, 2008 12:55 PM
zesty pete, Ethel Merman didn't do synchronized swimming. You're obviously thinking of Ethel Mermaid.
@Kip w

Yes. You're right. It was Esther Williams. I am shamed, slightly abashed and to be perfectly honest, feeling a little bit dirty. Thank you for putting me right.
thanks for this!


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