Friday, June 24, 2005
Well a lot of you are probably sitting around today going "oh well finally I can sleep peacefully! a solution has arrived to the nationwide flag-burning epidemic." Well you are wrong! The flag-burning amendment would only allow Congress to punish people for desecrating the actual flag - when there are dozens of other ways to humiliate Freedom by defacing other Freedomlike objects!
Photographs of flags
It is useless to protect the symbol of Freedom if we cannot also protect its very image! How would you like to walk down the street of some sunny future Main Street secure in the knowledge that the brutal local flag-burning rings have been brought to justice - only to find Saddam Hussein burning a pile of American flag post cards! "Oh don't mind me, I'm not burning a flag," the butcher of Baghdad will say. "I'm just burning a picture of a flag." Arrest him if you will, but he will only be released on a technicality... and will defiantly sweep out of the courthouse high-fiving his terrorist "homies" and flipping you off while you stew in impotent rage! He will go on to kill your partner and threaten your girlfriend over a series of oddly contrived yet increasingly chilling phone calls until you personally kill him in the climactic finale.
Photographs of photographs of flags
Don't think you can cheat your way out of this one, traitors! Giblets is thinking ahead.
The Rand McNally Road Atlas of the United States
When terrorist sympathizers are unable to burn the symbol of America, they will jump at the chance to deface America itself - IN MINIATURE! You have not known fury until you have seen the highways and byways of middle America shamefully disfigured with felt-tip and highlighter.
US Mint Statue of Liberty Commemorative Coin Set
Terrorists may not have crashed their vicious planes into the stern mannish beauty of Lady Liberty but their supporters in America are free - FREE BY LAW! - to spit upon, manhandle, and improperly varnish with an abrasive cleaner this proud, noble symbol of our nation's proudest, noblest symbol! Liberty has inspired so many. What better way to honor that inspiration than to lock people up!
QVC 12" Ronald Reagan Talking Doll
Would you let some Osama-loving hippie get away with disgracing the Gipper from beyond the grave? Santa Claus and the Baby Jesus died on 9/11 for your sins, people!
There's a lot more where these came from - the Mount Rushmore collector's plate, the Schwarzenegger bobblehead, the George W. Bush lunch pail, the peeable crucifix, the Jesus/Rambo limited edition team-up collectible card game - all of them vulnerable to attack, all of them able to be mocked and derided just to enflame the anger of decent hard-working government bureaucrats! Giblets has figured out a way to protect them all, and the beauty part is all we have to do is get rid of an amendment. Don't sweat it, nobody you like is using it anyway.
posted by Giblets at 8:53 AM