|
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
FAFBLOG: Wow, Hillary Clinton, right here on our little blog! Well, we don't want to waste your time so let's cut to the chase! Why should we vote for you for president?
HILLARY CLINTON: One word, Fafnir: experience. I have thirty-five years of experience working for change, building a list of accomplishments so lengthy and impressive no one else even knows what they are. Why, I could go on for hours just about the policies I advanced as First Lady, from critical legislation like the Mumble-Something Act to my efforts to bring peace to the troubled region of Upper McDonaldland. FB: And millions of Americans still enjoy the benefits of your successful health care plan in some distant parallel universe! CLINTON: That's right, Fafnir. No one has more experience failing to fix health care than me. I worked in the White House for eight years failing to fix health care, and as president I'll make failing to fix health care my number one priority. FB: Well that sounds pretty good, Hillary Clinton, but what if I wanna vote for someone with even more experience, like John McCain or Zombie Strom Thurmond or Andrew Jackson's collection of antique spittoons? Those spittoons have been in the White House for a long time an I hear they got a formidable command of foreign policy. CLINTON: Ha haaa! Well you know, anyone off the street with a scary black pastor can talk about change, but it takes a fighter to fight for change. And I'm a fighter. I'm tough. And if you lived my life you'd be pretty darn tough too. I mean, I had to go to Wellesley. That was my safety school. But I was strong anyway and I endured. And as president I'll fight the insurance industry and the pharmaceutical industry and the health care industry, just as soon as they stop giving me millions of dollars! FB: That's that no-nonsense down-to-business style I like about you, Hillary Clinton! You don't just talk about change. You talk about how much you don't just talk about change! CLINTON: That's just the way I am, I guess. Oh, hang on a second, I have to wrestle a hog in a giant trough of grits. It's just something I do! FB: Now, back when your husband was president he cut nine million poor women and children off welfare. But now you're the candidate of women and poor people and poor workin women. So did you approve of what your husband did at the time, and if not are you going to reverse it as president and give all those poor people their money back? CLINTON: Ha haaa! That's an excellent question, Fafnir, and the only way to answer it is with a hearty chuckle followed by a complete non sequitur! FB: Ha ha, that is so true! CLINTON: You know, I wish I could make all those women's lives better, I really do. But in a way, wouldn't it help all of them even more if we could just make one woman's life a whole lot better, and then say it sort of counts towards all those other women who aren't getting anything? And wouldn't it be even better-er if that one woman was me? FB: You know, you just can't argue with that math! Now are you running for president of Iraq, too? Because then your vote for the war totally makes sense! CLINTON: I didn't vote for the war, Fafnir. I voted to give the president the authority to go to war. What was he going to use that authority for? Maybe he'd just frame it and hang it in his office. Maybe he'd use it to prop up one of the legs on his desk. Maybe he'd use it to sing songs and dance jigs and lift weary spirits down at the old folks home! I honestly couldn't say! FB: If only you knew at the time that that devious George Bush would use a war authorization to authorize a war! CLINTON: You know, I guess I'm just too giving. Maybe I just love my country too much to deny it the universal health care and endless wars it so desperately needs. Maybe some theoretical secret black Muslim who hates America wouldn't have that problem. FB: Maybe it didn't have to be an actual war, though. Maybe you coulda just met the president halfway by settin a big pile a money on fire an shootin a buncha random people. CLINTON: You know, Fafnir, we could stand around and argue over who raped and slaughtered whose country all day long, but where's that gonna get us? What America needs now is a president who's ready on day one to rape and slaughter competently for the American people in the next war, and I've got the sixty-five years of experience to do it. FB: Ooh, ooh! Where's the next war gonna be, Hillary Clinton? Is it gonna be Iran? I bet it's gonna be Iran! CLINTON: Ha haaaa! Oh, you won't get spoilers out of me that easily! FB: Oh, you know I had to try! Now let's say you were president tomorrow. What's the first thing you'd do in Iraq? CLINTON: Well the first thing we have to do is to start holding the Iraqis accountable. Our troops have done everything they've been asked to do: blow stuff up, kill things, kill things that're trying to run away after we've blown their stuff up. But where have the Iraqis been on this? Nowhere. You know, war and occupation isn't a one-way street. When are Iraqis finally going to put some real effort into rebuilding the government and infrastructure we've worked so hard to destroy? Where's the cooperation here? Where's the sense of responsibility? FB: Yeah, what's wrong with those guys? Every time you try to get em to stand up an take charge they're all "oh, death to America, oh, my child is dead, oh, I have no limbs." CLINTON: And it's not like we don't have our own problems back in the U.S. They've got a couple hundred thousand dead people? Well, let me tell you something, four dollar a gallon gasoline is no picnic either! FB: If you could say one thing to the average legless Iraqi on the street right now, what would it be? CLINTON: I'd tell him, you know, we've done our part here. We got rid of Saddam, we set up a government, we provided intermittently running electricity and free bandages for your leg-stumps. We gave you your chance. Now you've gotta step up. FB: Figuratively speaking. 'Cause he doesn't have legs. CLINTON: And then I'd station forty to fifty-thousand residual troops in his house for the next couple decades or so to protect our interests in the region. FB: Now let's go to the lightning round! Get out of Iraq or bomb Iran? CLINTON: Get out of Iraq by going through Iran! FB: End wiretapping or double Gitmo? CLINTON: Privatize wiretapping, then outsource Gitmo to more efficient overseas contractors! FB: Talk to Hamas or nuke the Mideast? CLINTON: Why not both! FB: Torture or universal health care! CLINTON: Universal torture with optional market-based health savings accounts! FB: Now that's the kinda sensible hard-nosed moderation I can get behind! Thanks for stopping by, Hillary Clinton! CLINTON: Oh, I'll be around. Labels: fuck you '08, interviews, the party party
posted by fafnir at 1:37 PM
Thursday, May 1, 2008
1. Is there an emergency?
a. Yes! - Quick! Break glass in case of emergency. - Oh no, now I'm all cut and bleeding on this broken glass! - Sounds like an emergency! Quick, break more glass. - Okay, I broke the glass! Now what? - Oh no, what'd you do that for! You needed that glass for the emergency! - Oh, what do I do now! - Quick, glue your glass back together while there's still time! Then break it. Hurry, it's an emergency! b. Why no, everything's fine. - Are you sure? - Well... not that sure... - Just to be on the safe side, better panic. In case there's an emergency! - Sure I'm sure! Just checked this morning. No emergencies here! - Are you sure you're sure you're sure? 'Cause those emergencies, they're pretty tricky. - Yep! We got the emergency alarm and the emergency detector and all the emergency traps and there isn't a single little emergency. - Well now that's pretty suspicious. 'Cause if I were an emergency I'd go around disguising myself as a complete lack of emergencies. - Ohmigod - that's what I've got right now! What do I do! - First, get some glass. And quick! It's an emergency! 2. What's the emergency? a. Bees b. Angry bees c. Giant killer angry bees d. Fire! - Started by bees? - Yes! Those are some crafty, crafty bees. - Yes! I didn't think so at first but the more I look at the evidence the more convincing this bee theory sounds. - I want to say no but there's just no way you can rule out bees! e. Other - Probably bees 3. Emergency Bee Response Action Plan (EBRAP) a. Negotiated settlement - Too soft - Appeasing the bees will only embolden future bees b. Retaliatory air strike against the bee homeland - Too risky - Ensuing drop in global honey production would alienate key allies like the Hundred Acre Woods and Candyland - Further violence only perpetuates the cycle of mistrust and misunderstanding between man and bee c. Ritual hand-to-hand combat with bee champion - Too difficult - You have the weight advantage but the bee wants it more - Biased bee referees will always rule in favor of the bee d. Escape - Recommended! - You will need: - Feet (two) - Bee costume (for camouflage) - Secret map of the Bee Kingdom (with marked escape routes) - Hidden cyanide capsule (better to die on your feet than to live with the bees) - Escape Plan - First, Create A Distraction - What kind of distraction? - You know, anything likely to get a bee's attention - loud noises, fire, spraying lots of bee spray - Oh no, now I'm being stung by lots of bees! - Oh, how did that happen! Quick, go back to Step One. It sounds like an emergency! Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 11:07 AM
I knew I forgot to pay one a the bills yesterday but I just thought it was the cable or the internet or somethin an I guess it musta been worse cause when I step outside this mornin somebody's shut off the time. Now everything's happenin all at once an there's all this history spilled all over the lawn. Now I got all these crusaders sackin the mailbox an morlocks hibernatin under the porch an at least a dozen Louis the Sixteenths grazin on the azalea bushes. Look at the mess! I try to clean things up a little by sortin past people an future people into different piles but nobody's helpin out, what with all the drunk Winston Churchhills harassin the cave people an the mastodon steppin on Jesus an the radiation zombies wanderin off to chew on parts of Harry Truman. "This is all your fault, me," says me waggin a finger at yesterday's me. "What'd I do?" says yesterday me standin over by the Lincolns an the ground sloths. Oh, I am hopeless! There's no use explaining it to me, I won't figure it out til I turn into me.
I head down to the bagel shop to clear the air with some bagels but when I get there I'm already there with a bag a bagels. "Hey there me," says me, "mind if I have a bagel?" "Get your own," says me eatin bagels. How rude! I had no idea I was so inconsiderate. I figure I'll just get some bagels myself but the bagel shop happens to be a large sullen-lookin dimetrodon right now an the service is terrible. I pick up a trilobite an some napkins an head back home. The way back takes a little longer than I figured. There's all these neat little things along the road I hadn't noticed before, like the strip mall an the glacier an the invading army of spacemobots. I get a little lost. By the time I get back one a the plesiosaurs is eatin all the Roosevelts an I have to shoo im off with a rolled-up newspaper. Man it's been a long day! I flop down on the couch an turn on the TV but it's all reruns an ice ages. "You wanna get a movie?" says me to the cave bear. "Hrrruuff," says the cave bear. Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 8:34 AM
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
It's time for another edition of BARACK OBAMA: THE FINAL THROES! Last week Giblets revealed the dangerous levels of pussification inherent in Obama's bowling skills and orange juice consumption while exploring the damage done by persistent rumors that the senator is secretly black. But this latest scandal has doomed the Obama campaign more than any dooming doom that has doomed it before, because this time Obama has Insulted America by saying that poor people in impoverished rural areas are somehow "bitter" about being poor and impoverished. For shame!
Well Giblets knows the real Americans of the heartland, Barack Obama. He has flown over them and driven past them and grimaced amiably in their direction on the way to hotel rooms on numerous occasions, and in that time he has come to appreciate their primitive yet unique culture. These salt-of-the-earth folk don't need your condescending liberal elitism to tell them how they feel! They need Giblets's condescending conservative elitism to tell them how they feel! These people aren't "bitter." Far from it! America's impoverished working class are a chipper and cheerful lot, prancing and scampering about their foreclosed homes and crumbling industrial sectors with a spirit of adorable pluckiness, smiling and laughing through their unemployment and their black lung disease like a pack of hardscrabble leprechauns!1 And Giblets is sure they are outraged to hear Barack Obama imply otherwise - just as he is sure they are even outraged-er to hear Obama scorn their honest midwestern folkways, mocking the simple beauty of their long, proud tradition of recreational possum-killing and their homey, heartfelt gay-bashing! Well Giblets has a long if purely theoretical love of our nation's yahoo population and their mysterious ways, and would be proud to join them himself were he not so busy wiping their hideous yokel-germs off him with copious quantities of hand sanitizer. That's why Giblets is so certain this final crippling blow to the Obama candidacy will be the finalest and most crippling of them all! By implying that the economic immiseration of America's rural underclass has made them somehow unhappy, Obama has alienated America's heartland! "Oh but Giblets how can you tell, the polls don't seem to have changed much" you say because you are stupid and elitist and hate the hard-working people of the American plains. Giblets doesn't need to wait for "polls" or "data" or "actual facts" when he has the sound judgment of real authentic heartland folk like Chris Matthews and George Will and Hillary Clinton!2 In fact Giblets will go so far as to predict right now that if Obama doesn't win Pennsylvania by fifty points next week it will be entirely because of this. Or the bowling thing, or the scary black pastor. Or Giblets's constant feverish attempts to make this stuff matter more to voters than the fact that they're stupidly poor. It shouldn't be that hard to do, Giblets hears these people are pretty bitter. 1. Oh the many hours Giblets has whiled away admiring this celebration of the American work ethic, watching the high-spirited children of the heartland cavort and caper for simple trinkets like food and prescription medication! 2. When you've lost Hillary Clinton you've lost America! Specifically, America's earthy population of multimillionaire former Wal-Mart executives turned nepotistic senators-for-life. Labels: fuck you '08, real america
posted by Giblets at 7:08 PM
When the Mainstream Media and the Establishment Press and the Corporate Zombie News Octopus ignore the real story, there's only one independent source you can trust - and that source is Giblets! Behold the power of Giblets World News Update!
ITEM! Last week George Bush said for the first time that he personally approved the torture of prisoners held in U.S. custody. And right now there's only one question on everybody's mind: who does this help in the Democratic primary! The conventional wisdom is that presidential super-torture powers are sure to help Hillary Clinton, the one candidate Americans trust to waterboard Muslims at 3 AM. But it's also a big opportunity for Obama to make up lost ground by striking a tough, muscular pro-torture stance to counteract the dangerous pussification of his girly bowling abilities! Stay tuned, readers! ITEM! One of the world's leading climatologists says that the targets for CO2 reduction set by the IPCC are far too high to stop global warming. According to James Hansen, at the current target of 450 ppm polar ice would eventually melt entirely, raising sea levels by 75 meters and radically transforming the planet. But would all this happen fast enough to save Obama by turning voters' attentions from the devastating "Bittergate" scandal, or will the destruction of the coasts merely cede the nomination to Clinton by leaving Obama with nothing to work with but Hillary's natural constituency of embittered midwestern gun-toting god-freaks? Giblets World News will have more on this breaking story as it develops! ITEM! Massive food riots are erupting across the globe in response to skyrocketing grain prices brought on by global warming, declining oil supplies and a glut of biofuel subsidies. Experts warn that unless policies change drastically, we could face a level of chaos that has been described as "apocalyptic" - which would be great news for the McCain campaign, since the end of the world would allow him to really mobilize his base of poison-breathing flesh zombies. But can Obama make inroads into McCain's demographics by "reaching across the aisle" to pick up the traditionally-Republican radioactive vampire vote? ITEM! Namby-pamby so-called "media-critics" have been whining and moaning about how non-stop election coverage has "squeezed out real news" and made Americans "even dumber and more uninformed than usual." Giblets doesn't know what they're talking about, but then he is one of the smart people who reads the news all the time and knows everything anyway and is insulated from the creeping endumbification of the masses. But if this is true it raises some important and sobering questions about politics and the media. Like how will this play in Pennsylvania! Will twenty-four-hour supersaturated campaign coverage give Hillary the edge, or will an inanely debased discourse bump Obama up a couple points? Giblets needs to know, and he needs to know now! Get me a SUSA poll! Get me tracking numbers! Giblets needs county-by-county breakdowns and pre-debate roundtables and post-debate roundtables and meta-spin analysis and colored charts - dozens upon dozens of bright colored charts! This story's going to be big, people, Giblets can just feel it - and he's going to stick with it for as long as necessary. Labels: blogtopia, fuck you '08
posted by Giblets at 4:43 PM
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
So for the last five years all the liberals and the hippies and the nattering nabobs of normalcy have been coming up to Giblets and going "Was the war a mistake Giblets?" and "Are we losing the war Giblets?" and "Oh look at all the dead people Giblets, maybe we should stop the war." And the correct answers to these questions have been "Shut up," "Shut up you traitor," and "We'd be winning already if you'd just shut up." But Giblets is a patient Giblets and is willing to entertain even the most tedious requests of his dullest subjects, especially if it gets him published columns in Slate and The New York Times. So was Giblets really wrong? Was the war a mistake? Were we right to blow up the moon?
Oh sure, it's easy to look back now with our twenty-twenty hindsight and our armchair quarterbacking and whine and moan about how it all went wrong. But what about the case for blowing up the moon at the time? For literally dozens of years the moon had menaced Western Civilization with its eclipses and its werewolf hordes and its sinister seduction of our seas, all the while dangling its massive stony bulk above us with nothing but universal gravitation standing between the free world and a cold and moony end! Oh, the usual crowd of peaceniks and anti-kill killjoys would have had America stand idly by and do nothing, leaving frightened children and Brookings scholars to tremble under their beds at night while our nation's nocturnal nemesis threatened once again to plunge from the heavens and squish us all, but 9/11 taught us that we can't wait for danger to become dangerous before we pre-re-endanger it back! And by defeating the moon America would ensure not only its own security, but the destruction of al Qaeda's deadly space laser, the liberation of the moon men from the terrible tyranny of the Crater King, and the second coming of Astro-Jesus! Of course by now everybody thinks they're an expert on every little accident that's happened in the moon war. Oh, we didn't send enough troops, oh, we didn't plan for the aftermath, oh, the explosions launched millions of tons of radioactive moon rock into the atmosphere and killed hundreds of thousands of people. Well, boo hoo hoo! Nobody said this war was gonna be perfect.1 It's true, if Giblets had to blow up the moon all over again he would have made some changes, like firing Donald Rumsfeld and putting more boots on the ground and getting more international support.2 But would he oppose the moon war altogether? Well that's the kinda crazy talk we were only hearing from namby-pamby pot-smoking puppet-wielding moon hippies like Al Gore and Zbigniew Brzezinski and their Stalinist fellow travelers at International ANSWER!3 And what was their solution to the rapidly growing moon crisis? Nothing but peace songs and patchouli smell and nothing! The point is, we saw a problem and we dealt with it. Did the problem actually exist? Who knows! Did our solution end up killing lots of people who'd otherwise be alive? Who can say! We could spend all day long pointing fingers and arguing over who slaughtered millions of what, but where will that get us?4 And while all the negative nancies are squabbling over who genocided who, Giblets and the rest of America have a war to win. There's still a lot of the moon left to blow up, people - and now it's even more dangerous than ever, because it's been raining this deadly shower of moon rocks down on us ever since some crazy bastards started blowing it up! It's time to stop this pointless bickering over who was "right" and "wrong" and get back to fighting the war we started back when we were obviously wrong. And then we can move on to the real threat by invading the sun. 1. With the possible exception of Giblets, in his February 23, 2003 Washington Post op-ed, "This War Is Going To Be Perfect." 2. Because when you blow stuff up and kill people it's important that you blow stuff up and kill people in a way that maintains international respect and legitimacy for future blow-stuff-uppery and people-killing. 3. Giblets is on to you, ANSWER! Oh sure, you say you're just opposed to pointless and criminal wars, but Giblets knows it's all part of your sinister socialist scheme to free Mumia! 4. Other than a war crimes tribunal. Which would only weaken us in the war by emboldening future war crimes tribunals! Labels: everybody loves a winner, reductio creep, warnography
posted by Giblets at 11:37 AM
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Special multiple choice edition. Check all that apply!
posted by fafnir at 9:57 AM
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
"Screw this dump!" says Giblets. "This universe is old and fat and smells like smelling and Giblets is busting out!"
"Should we go over the wall or take the tunnel?" says me. I been diggin a tunnel. "Nuts to the tunnel!" says Giblets. "What we do is we make like we're sick. Then when God comes in to check on us we punch im in the liver an run out the door!" "They'll be on the lookout so we're gonna need disguises if we wanna make it the resta the way," says me. "If we bop Europe an Australia on the head we can sneak out in their continent costumes!" "Then it's only three hundred eighty thousand miles to the moon. We can swim for it!" says Giblets. "Giblets's crater friends can smuggle us to the border from there." "We'll haveta travel undercover if we wanna stay aheada the law," says me. "By the time we reach the checkpoint I'll be Henri DuMarche, international financier, socialite and diamond thief, an you can be NGC 5024, a mild-mannered globular cluster." "The guards will suspect nothing!" says Giblets. "At least not til a stray gust of wind dislodges our fake plastic mustaches at the last minute and blows our cover in fronta the feds." "That's when they'll hit the alarm an call the cops an the marines an Jesus an Batman an everybody," says me. "They'll be parked on the border in their uparmored emergency defense nukes givin us one last chance to surrender before they preemptively retaliate against our potential refusal to surrender." "But we'll just fire up our '67 T-Bird and head for the barricades yelling 'come and get us copper'!" says Giblets. "Which is when they will get us," says me. "With their many, many guns and bullets." "The bullets will hit us in slow motion from many different camera angles to the sound of a grinding guitar solo to indicate that we are bad bad dudes who lived a bad bad life," says Giblets. "But not so bad it can't be replayed in our last moments in the form of a tastefully-edited montage of our most poignant flashbacks," says me. "Giblets will regret nothing!" says Giblets. "Except for the getting killed part, that was real stupid." "They'll bury us in a special live TV press conference with senators an popes an the President of Space," says me. "And there'll be cake an music an dancin bears an a crack team a animatronic talkin news generals to tell everybody about this bold new victory in the War on Us!" "It's true," says Giblets. "We were a menace to our freedom and had to be stopped before we could threaten us again." "But there could be even more of us out there right now, doin things an being stuff!" says me. "And none of us can sleep at night till all of us have been brought to justice." "The army and the FBI and the space police will explain it all in loud slow voices over our tastefully-laminated corpses so the world can understand the dire threat it poses to the world," says Giblets. "Which is when they'll notice those aren't our corpses at all," says me, "but clever papier-mache dummy corpses we got to escape for us back when we took the tunnel." "Huzzah for the tunnel!" says Giblets. "It was Giblets's finest hour!" "While the cops're distracted we'll sneak out with a coupla billion of our closest friends an punch out the sun in the guard tower," says me. "Then we can go back an bust the rest out an topple the ancien régime!" "The triumphant cry of revolution will call out through the streets: Vive Fáfnir! Vive Gibléts!" says Giblets. "Radical Fafbloggists will demand a new era of Fafno-Gibletsian rule over the cosmos, and none will be able to stand in their way!" "At least till they figure out we're not there," says me, "'cause we'll already have slipped out the back door into the new universe." "But will it be any better than the old universe?" says Giblets. "Well it can't be any worse," says me. Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 12:21 AM
 You totally blinked.
posted by fafnir at 12:01 AM
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Giblets takes a few weeks away from the blog and the whole world goes insane! After four years of justly convicting Guantanamo prisoners of classified crimes before a fair and impartial kangaroo court of their peers, a power-mad Supreme Court has ruled that the military tribunals at Gitmo are "illegal" and that the president has to "obey the law." Well this is just the kind of dangerous radicalism that leads to fascism and human rights! What are we going to do with these people, try them in actual courtrooms with lawyers, juries and "evidence"? That way lies madness - or worse, democracy! If we give our enemies actual rights they'll turn the deadly power of our justice system against us, smuggling weaponized due process into American cities, crashing the Fifth Amendment into skyscrapers, setting off radiological writs of habeas corpus in Times Square!1
And how are we going to fight the terrorists in the first place with our military tied up in bureaucratic red tape like the "Geneva Conventions" and the "Bill of Rights"? We can't give up our right to torture people while the enemy's still torturing people - that's unilateral disarmament in the torture race! We've already got an atrocity gap here, people! Oh sure, we're doing alright with our cutting-edge waterboarding, hypothermia and "beat them to death" programs, but we'll never catch up in this fight if we don't get access to their top secret beheading technology!2 It's a simple question of action and response. When they blow up a mosque, we massacre a village! When they chop off someone's head, we send someone else off to Uzbekistan to get boiled alive! That's the GWOT way! But none of these vital tools will be at our disposal if we've got activist judges shutting down our Pentagon torture programs and our secret CIA prisons and our crack commando baby-rape squads!3 That's why George W. Bush has to take this case to the highester court in the land: the court of George W. Bush. It's a tough bench alright, but Bush can win this one as long as he exercises his constitutional right to ignore the Constitution. The legal technicalities are pretty complicated but Giblets believes it involves filing a writ of neener neener according to the precedent of I Can't Hear You v. I'm Not Listening. Only then can the forces of freedom protect America from the hordes of Democrofascists that would menace her with their savage civil liberties! 1. You can't trust a New York jury to convict Osama bin Laden with his fancy legal maneuvers and his smooth-talking ways! 2. Oh, you complain about it now, but what if chopping off somebody's head could've prevented September 11th? 3. They're enemy baby combatants, people!
posted by Giblets at 4:45 PM
 Hello there and welcome back to Friday Pie-Blogging! Today's pie is the delicious raspberry lime tart. Just take a look at that gooey fruit filling nestled gently in that flaky graham cracker crust. Mmmm, mmm! Taste the flavor."I dunno Fafnir," says you, "I mean sure it LOOKS good what with all the nutmeg an the cinnamon an the multiple rows a inch-long retractable teeth but somehow somethin just doesn't seem right about this pie. Maybe I'll have this bucket of delicious chum instead."  Yknow what, you're right - somethin is wrong with this pie. This pie needs some ice cream! A pie just isn't a pie without ice cream. And put down that bucket a tasty ground-up fish meal - that's for feedin our pie. And what a pie it is! See that sturdy primary dorsal fin? That's how you know it's baked fresh."Well that does look like some mighty tasty ice cream," says you. "But I just still don't know about this pie. On the one hand, it's a rich and savory dessert, but on the other hand it's less of a dessert than it is an eighteen-foot-long man-eating shark."  Well that's just crazy talk! This pie is definitely a pie, and in fact it is such a pie that it has received a special pie prize for pieness from the top pielologist at the National Pie Institute of Pies, who spent four years living and swimming with the Great Atlantic Tiger Pies where he came to appreciate their savage yet beautiful culture before gettin eaten by a rogue sea quiche. "Oh wow!" says you. "Well that's pretty impressive for a pie." Yes, yes it is. But if you don't want it I guess we'll just haveta throw it away. "Oh no, don't do that!" says you. "I had no idea it was such a prestigious award-winning pie." Oh now it's too late, we're throwin it away. Throwin it away into the ocean where starving children in Africa would have loved to be eaten by it but now it is too late on accounta you made us throw away the pie.  "Oh no what have I done!" says you. "Please give me another pie, pleeeaaaase."Well aw shucks! We can't stay mad at you. Here's today's new pie, the delicious peach cobbler. "Thank you, Fafblog, for giving me a second chance!" says you. "From now on I'll be good and kind to everyone and keep pie-blogging alive in my heart all year long!" And God bless us, every one! "Oh the biting, oh the pain!" Labels: pie
posted by fafnir at 2:38 PM
posted by fafnir at 1:30 PM
|
|
for your
listening pleasure 
The Apples In Stereo New Magnetic Wonder 
Magnetic Fields Distortion 
Celebration The Modern Tribe 
Man or Astro-Man? EEVIAC
for your
viewing enjoyment
for your
reading edification 
The World Without Us 
The Iron Wall: Israel and the Arab World 
I Shall Destroy All the Civilized Planets 
Invisible Cities 
|
