Thursday, September 11, 2008
"Well we sure learned our lesson," says me standin in the middle a the smoke an the rubble an the burnin burnin cities, "and that's to never blow up someone else's country again."
"Unless there's a real good reason," says Giblets, "like self-defense or preemptive self-defense or defense from self-defense or revenge."
"Oh well a course there's self-defense," says me. "I mean just cause we wanna stop blowin up other countries doesn't mean we gotta stop blowin up other countries when they blow up our country, or try to blow up our country, or maybe tried to blow up our country, or mighta been friends with somebody that coulda maybe tried to blow up our country."
"But what if they haven't blown us up, and they haven't tried to blow us up, but they've got all kinds of secret deadly weapons they could use to blow us up, like nukes or bombs or guns or anti-bomb guns or very large bees?" says Giblets.
"Oh well then we haveta blow em up," says me. "I mean we can't just sit around waitin for the bees to come for us when we could be deploying our tactical anti-bee pre-defense defense."
"And what if they haven't blown us up, and they haven't tried to blow us up, and they don't have anything to blow us up with, but they are swiftly developing the potential capacity to eventually develop us-blowing-up technology?" says Giblets.
"Well I guess you'd haveta blow them up too," says me. "I mean why would they have bee-making programs in the first place if they weren't plannin to use bees to attack our anti-bee attackers?"
"Which we're gonna need to use to attack their bees," says Giblets.
"So it's all settled then," says me. "We're never gonna blow up anyone else again, unless it's self-defense, or it looks like self-defense, or it could maybe one day become self-defense, or it's in preemptive defense from their self-defense."
"What if it's a favor for a friend?" says Giblets. "Like what if there's this country that can't blow us up, and doesn't want to blow us up, and will never be able to blow us up, but one of our buddies kinda drops over on a Saturday night when we got nothin else to do anyway and they're all 'Can you do me a solid and bomb Iran'?"
"Well there's nothin wrong with bein friendly," says me. "I mean you gotta stick up for your friends."
"And your friends' friends," says Giblets. "And your friends' friends' friends. And your friends' friends' sketchy neighbor who keeps his other neighbors locked up in his basement sex dungeon."
"Well it's not our fault if we just happen to have a lotta friends," says me. "I mean we can't help it if we're popular."
"That's right, we're very loved," says Giblets. "So loved that everybody hates us, which is why we have to blow them up."
"It's really very sad," says me. "But other than these very limited situations we should really stop blowin people up."
"What if it's for a good cause?" says Giblets.
"Whattaya mean?" says me.
"Well like what if there's a genocide or an ethnic cleansing or a civil war or a flood or a malaria-starved orphan child on the tv that only we can save for the price of a cup of coffee and the only way to help them is by dropping thousands and thousands of bombs on their country?" says Giblets.
"Oh wow, I never thought a that," says me.
"No, you didn't," says Giblets. "It's a good thing you have Giblets around to remind you of these weighty responsibilities."
"Could we send them food and stuff instead?" says me.
"No, we can't," says Giblets. "All the food has been eaten. Eaten by bees."
"Oh man!" says me. "If only we'd blown up the bee countries earlier! How about medicine, could we send them some medicine?"
"Can it be delivered by cruise missile?" says Giblets.
"I don't think we've got the technology." says me.
"We'd probably better stick to bombing them then," says Giblets.
"But only 'cause we care," says me. "I guess what we're sayin is, we will never blow up this particular country, that we are standing in right now, in this particular way, ever again."
"Unless there's a real good reason," says Giblets.
posted by fafnir at 10:22 AM
For five and a half years John McCain didn't have any bees, so we should all just shut up and learn to like mooseburgers.
what if it IS a friend, but we have actionable intelligence that there are rogue beekeepers hiding in their yard, but our friend won't do anything about it?
what if we just can't get a good read either way whether they love us, or love us so much they hate us?
better safe than sorry, no?
What if we ourselves are maybe accident prone, or tend to do silly things that could potentially harm ourselves? What if we like to eat scotch eggs and smoke cigars, for instance? Or take a bunch of sudafed before we operate our backhoe?
Open your eyes, Fafblog! We're never really going to be safe until purge all threats external and internal!
That's why I'm voting for Ron Paul. Maybe.
Socky-Sockerson: That's why I'm voting for Ron Paul. Maybe.
I vote for anarchy.
"In what respect, Charlie?"
Sarah wasn't looking a newsman with good questions but rather for someone that questions good and easy.
A psychologist administers the Rorschach test to a patient. As each card is presented, the patient sees something sexual. Finally, the therapist says, ''You seem to be obsessed with sex.'' And the patient replies: ''Me? Doctor, you're the one showing the dirty pictures.''
McCain has just proclaimed that we must go to war with Spain.
... because if we don't he has to admit that he's bat shit crazy ...
i am becoming increasingly perturbed at your refusal to provide some new essay for me to laugh at. It has been 8 days.
Ohmyfafnir...I just broke my Fafmug. Cafepress is failing me. What'll I do? Where can I get another? Can I get another? Really, I need a fafmug. I'm not kidding. I NEED a fafmug.
Well, this is all moot... or going to be moot when the large hadron collider makes its itty bitty black hole to suck us all in, bees, pie, nukes and all. I'm mad there has been a delay [except more pie while I wait].
I'm looking for guidance from the masters on the financial crisis. I mean I regret that I love bombed out citis just as much as the next guy but let's hear about something important.
I'm so glad I have Giblets around to remind me of such weighty problems. I'd be so without any feck without Giblets.
I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.
I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.
I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.
This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.
Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to email@example.com so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.
Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson
I just copied & pasted the letter above. I'm not sure who the original author is or I'd give him/her credit.
... but I am still beyond brilliant, can field dress a moose and was 5th runner up in the Miss Buffalo Chip contest of 1979.
Hey guys, since you are the biggest experts on procrastination, you need to tell us what you think of McCain's decision to suspend his campaign. Maybe before Nov. 4?
I hate to break it to you, aa, but if we give them the money, we will all die while they stay alive on all the rations they bought with our money.
I say fight 'em with everything we've got until the large hadron collider makes the black hole that will suck us all into an itty bitty super dense gumdrop of with galaxy munchingly intense gravity... should be around Christmas time....
Monkey psychology - yep yep yep
"I think people really are missing the point about McCain's failure to look at Obama. McCain was afraid of Obama. It was really clear--look at how much McCain blinked in the first half hour. I study monkey behavior--low ranking monkeys don't look at high ranking monkeys. In a physical, instinctive sense, Obama owned McCain tonight and I think the instant polling reflects that."
That post was an inspiring and enlightening metaphoric parable.
If I can be assured of posts which contain a similiar uplifting, I will be a regular reader of Fafblog! It's just like Mother makes.