Thursday, May 1, 2008

1. Is there an emergency?
   a. Yes!
      - Quick! Break glass in case of emergency.
         - Oh no, now I'm all cut and bleeding on this broken glass!
            - Sounds like an emergency! Quick, break more glass.
      - Okay, I broke the glass! Now what?
         - Oh no, what'd you do that for! You needed that glass for the emergency!
            - Oh, what do I do now!
               - Quick, glue your glass back together while there's still time! Then break it. Hurry, it's an emergency!
   b. Why no, everything's fine.
      - Are you sure?
         - Well... not that sure...
            - Just to be on the safe side, better panic. In case there's an emergency!
      - Sure I'm sure! Just checked this morning. No emergencies here!
         - Are you sure you're sure you're sure? 'Cause those emergencies, they're pretty tricky.
            - Yep! We got the emergency alarm and the emergency detector and all the emergency traps and there isn't a single little emergency.
               - Well now that's pretty suspicious. 'Cause if I were an emergency I'd go around disguising myself as a complete lack of emergencies.
                  - Ohmigod - that's what I've got right now! What do I do!
                     - First, get some glass. And quick! It's an emergency!

2. What's the emergency?
   a. Bees
   b. Angry bees
   c. Giant killer angry bees
   d. Fire!
      - Started by bees?
         - Yes! Those are some crafty, crafty bees.
         - Yes! I didn't think so at first but the more I look at the evidence the more convincing this bee theory sounds.
         - I want to say no but there's just no way you can rule out bees!
   e. Other
      - Probably bees

3. Emergency Bee Response Action Plan (EBRAP)
   a. Negotiated settlement
      - Too soft
         - Appeasing the bees will only embolden future bees
   b. Retaliatory air strike against the bee homeland
      - Too risky
         - Ensuing drop in global honey production would alienate key allies like the Hundred Acre Woods and Candyland
         - Further violence only perpetuates the cycle of mistrust and misunderstanding between man and bee
   c. Ritual hand-to-hand combat with bee champion
      - Too difficult
         - You have the weight advantage but the bee wants it more
         - Biased bee referees will always rule in favor of the bee
   d. Escape
      - Recommended!
         - You will need:
            - Feet (two)
            - Bee costume (for camouflage)
            - Secret map of the Bee Kingdom (with marked escape routes)
            - Hidden cyanide capsule (better to die on your feet than to live with the bees)
      - Escape Plan
         - First, Create A Distraction
            - What kind of distraction?
               - You know, anything likely to get a bee's attention - loud noises, fire, spraying lots of bee spray
                  - Oh no, now I'm being stung by lots of bees!
                     - Oh, how did that happen! Quick, go back to Step One. It sounds like an emergency!

Labels:

posted by fafnir at 11:07 AM




40 Comments:
I give this post a "B."
by Anonymous Anonymous, at May 01, 2008 11:14 AM
Yes. Yes. No. Bees!
In fact, if you wear light-colored clothing, you are less likely to be stung than if you wear a bee costume for camoflage.
That's crazy talk, doodle. The only way you'd get stung by bees in your bee costume is if you were surrounded by deadly cannibal bees.

...oh no! Cannibal bees!
Bee stings...they can sure be painful! The stingers should first be removed with a Project Babylon Superforceps! Now...time to treat the sting and make it less painful! For this you'll want to use incapacitants and anti-material agents to sterilize the sting area! These may cause nausea, disorganized thinking, and hallucinations, for which I would recommend cold compresses. Now just watch for headaches, muscle cramps, difficulty breathing or swallowing, sweating, fever, drowsiness or unconsciousness. If any of these symptoms occur, you'd better call an ambulance!
In case of emergency, release the hounds. Or the bees. Or the hounds with bees in their mouth, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you.
by Anonymous Brian, at May 01, 2008 12:11 PM
I think Killer B is a rap singer.
by Anonymous me, at May 01, 2008 12:30 PM
In the Kingdom of the Bees, the one-eyed man is allergic to bee stings. Lookout, one-eyed man!
A big ol' shark disguised as a bee ate my Emergency Preparedness report. And my homework. Plus all the white women I had lyin' about.
Is this an emergency? I can't tell, 'cause a big ol' shark disguised as a bee ate my Emergency Preparedness report, and...
Is senility an emergency?
Capt. Twelve A.M. Midnight, E.S.T., C.E.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at May 01, 2008 1:02 PM
Did this happen yesterday? Or tomorrow?
Is senility an emergency?

Yes!

No!

What?
Fafnir,

Oh sure and you're perfectly sane talking!

Plus, do you know how hard it is to do that freakin' word verificamation when you are on painkillers?

On the other hand, I am getting valuable insights into George W. Bush's communication style.

That guy is totally stoned out of his mind. So there!
I believe the bee threat is a real one. Bees can see only in color so if you convert yourself to greyscale you will appear only in black and white, and hence escape detection while you flee.
What if I get cornered by wasps, tho? They can sting more than once.
This post is like a long-lost friend that you run into at the airport while on your way to your 3rd-cousin-twice-removed's wedding, only to find out that your long-lost friend is the bridegroom and you've been invited to his bachelor party in Tahiti.

It's that good.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at May 02, 2008 12:26 AM
Dear Anonymous,
I was just going to say how reading the Fafblog after such a long time away is like eating a slice of cherry meringue pie that melts in your mouth and not in your hands after many years of craving such pie and having variously sized swarms of bees continuously taunting you by flying by with large fresh slices of said pie and followed by numerous slightly smaller bee swarms carrying forks, napkins, cups of Tahitian vanilla ice cream and saucers for the cups, only to have them fly just out of reach and far, far beyond the horizon, oh please don't take my flying pie away but they do every time, except for this time - except for this time! -- but the taunting bee / flying pie analogy block is very happy to yield to the long lost friend / 3rd cousin airport bachelor party metaphor, because while they are both tasty and sweet, the LLF/3CABP construction has something that the TB/FP allegory does not: and that's friendship. {SOB} FRIENDSHIP! ... oh! oh how i love me some fafblog!!
Hmm,
1) Yes
2) (e) Bees, fire, and Polka
3.14159) (pi) pie all around--even polka music loves pie
In case of emergencies, Okra Tofu Pie stay completely inert.

Well... to be honest, that Okra Tofu Pie's contingency plan for any given situation. Bees, tho... Okra Tofu Pie might consider hiding under couch, an then be inert.

Bold and Resolute, yes, but Okra Tofu Pie is all kinds of Bold an Resolute an unstung by bees cause am under couch.
by Anonymous Okra Tofu Pie, at May 02, 2008 2:37 PM
FAFBLOG
I coulda swore that glass display case said:

Caution!
Atomic Mutant Spilling Bees
- DO NOT -
Break glass in case.
OFC Inneragency
by Anonymous bodiciah t rentlord III, at May 02, 2008 11:04 PM
I love this bee pie, and welcome my new bee pie overlords.
by Anonymous baba durag, at May 03, 2008 1:02 AM
Warning! Warning! Danger! Danger! Wesley Snipes is as innocent as the OJ!
by Anonymous Anonymous, at May 03, 2008 9:24 AM
3 Step Quick Emergency Response Plan:

#1. Make Our Dear Leader's tax cuts for the rich permanent.

#3. Privatize Social Security.

Emergency over for the next 500 years.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at May 03, 2008 9:37 AM
Does being surrounded by bees and a lot of broken glass constitute an emergency?
the Infernal Racist Suckas let that hippie willie nelson work off his debt, but them bastards are gonna throw wesley snipes in the hoosegow. i'd call that an emergency.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at May 05, 2008 9:24 AM
my word verification for the last comment:

arbeeyi

mere cowinky dink. i think not.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at May 05, 2008 9:26 AM
Does being surrounded by bees and a lot of broken glass constitute an emergency?

D'ya even have to ask?
And now its time to hear from Eddy Izzard:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Xs-tl6GBOBo
by Anonymous Anonymous, at May 06, 2008 11:49 AM
"egermancy! Everyone to get from Street!"-The Russians are coming, the Russians are coming
by Anonymous MR Bill, at May 08, 2008 6:59 AM
But... but what if the bees are Fafnir? Unlikely, I suppose, but certainly possible. Then what?!
by Anonymous Benji, at May 08, 2008 11:51 AM
I love this blog, again.
bee healthy. eat yer honey:)
by Anonymous Anonymous, at May 10, 2008 9:21 AM
The bees are tap dancing little girls. In the end they eat too much pie and regurgitate into containers they make from earwax, which ferments into a kind of pie honey. Brown bears come in the evenings to feast on the pie-honey despite the stings from the tap dancing girls and the ghost of Shannon Hoon, which protects their hive.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at May 11, 2008 2:56 AM
please sir, might i have some more?
by Anonymous Anonymous, at May 13, 2008 2:33 AM
i heard that you should tape a penny over your bee sting for 20 after you get stung...something to do with the copper heals it
http://www.obamarocks08.com
Better yet, take the edge of that coin and dislodge the stinger. Tis a far far better thing to rip out the problem by the roots, than to cover it over with money and try to 'move on'.
.
See how the fates their gifts allot,
For A is happy, B is not
Yet B is worthy, I may say,
Of more prosperity than A.
.

The Bee,
he is a busy soul!
He has no time for
Birth Control.
And that is why,
In times like these,
There are so many
Sons of Bees.


.
Oolong is dead. *Sniff*.
> YA76OO said...

‼ I love this blog, again.

Sorry, don't buy that you'r Paris Hilton.

Cleveland Hilton, maybe. Paris? Nahhh.
To bee, or not to bee, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die—to sleep,
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there's the rub:

OUCH! the little fucker just bit me!!
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 06, 2010 7:07 AM

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