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Tuesday, August 9, 2005

Your children are gay, you have always known it! But how can you prove it for sure? Behold Giblets's Guide to Proving Your Son Is Gay! These are can't-fail tests that should have you diagnosing deviant offspring as early as age 5. There's no use bothering with your daughter; she's stuck as a girl as it is.

Casually ask your son at dinner, "So, ever have sex with a woman?" If he appears uncomfortable, he's gay. Non-gays like sex with women.

Place two photographs in front of your son lying face down. On the left place a photograph of Tom Welling, TV's gay Superman; on the right place the stern but genial visage of James Dobson. Flip them over simultaneously. Which does your son look at first? If he looks at Tom Welling, he is gay. If he looks at James Dobson, he is gay with an unnatural fixation for James Dobson.

Tell your son you are going outside to play ball and wrestle alligators. Then shove your son to the ground repeatedly and say, "Whassamatta, crybaby? Gonna cry? Gonna cry?" If he cries he is a great big pussy and therefore gay. If he "takes it like a man" he's still gay, but one of those butch tough-guy gays, like a "bear" or a "top."

Dunk your son into a deep pool of water. If he floats to the top, he is full of buoyant gaymotrons (identified by physicists as the gay particle) and therefore gay. If he sinks to the bottom and drowns, he is a poor swimmer and unathletic and therefore gay. If he begins to sink and then just sorta hangs there, the water is gay.

Starve a large wolf cub for two days and have it wrestle your son. If he loses to the wolf, he's gay - it was only a wolf cub! If he beats the wolf, he is a lesbian. If he is beaten mercilessly by the wolf while apologizing for its economic agenda, he is a Log Cabin Republican. If he is bitten by the wolf, he is now a werewolf. Shoot him with a silver bullet before the rising of the next full moon.

Labels: the rainbow peril

posted by Giblets at 8:42 AM

8 Comments:

I can't believe that this excellent post has no comments.

Anonymous, at June 04, 2008 9:32 AM

Your blogs crack me up.

Anonymous, at June 14, 2008 3:45 PM

Beaver Cleaver says:
Gaymotronics are the "movements" of the gay particles.
This must be pointed out. Thanks, carry on.

Anonymous, at July 03, 2008 4:39 PM

THat is the stupidest and most sick thing i've ever read

Anonymous, at August 14, 2008 2:02 PM

no post celebratin the 63rd anniversary of the droppin of fat man on nagasaki? now that's stupidest and most sickiest thing i've never read. which makes giblets gay. bad gay giblets, bad.

Anonymous, at August 16, 2008 9:45 AM

If he beats the wolf, he is a lesbian
HA!!!
ROFL!
This one's for you Hope!

Anonymous, at October 03, 2008 2:26 AM

"...the water is gay..."

LOL!

Anonymous, at October 16, 2008 12:44 PM

Are you liking to the making of the sex with the Chinese characters?

Click on the link that I forgot to create!

Anonymous, at December 01, 2009 8:47 PM