Monday, September 29, 2008

NASA's lost contact with the elephant and nobody's really sure why. Ground control says it's because of an improperly synchronized transponder on board the Hesperus II, the multi-billion dollar experimental space capsule designed to test the effects of weightlessness on elephants. The elephant says it's an attempt to escape a nightmarish future dystopia ruled by savage warrior apes. They agree to disagree.

The last transmission the elephant gets from earth is a C-SPAN broadcast of an emergency meeting of a subcommittee of the Joint Committee to Form Subcommittees on the projected national space elephant shortfall. The missions are missing and the numbers are bad and the Russians are workin on an unfrozen space mammoth and the Chinese just put a rhino in a hot air balloon and how will our nation compete and maintain its strengthutation on the world stage and the elephant misses the rest on accounta that's when the aliens show up. The aliens teach the elephant about the mysteries of the universe and the harmonic unity of all things and the elephant teaches the aliens how to touch the top of your head with your nose. The aliens are pretty impressed and make the elephant their official Space Ambassador to Space.

Years later the elephant finds God orbiting a gas giant in a nearby solar system. "Are you God?" says God. God's been here a while. "No, I'm an elephant," says the elephant. They talk for hours.

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posted by fafnir at 9:55 AM




17 Comments:
Sometimes I think Fafblog invented surreal. Then I realize that surreal invented Fafblog.
This is the most beautiful thing I will read today.
Ground control to Major Jumbo -- Your circuit's dead, there's something wrong. Can you hear me Major Jumbo, can you hear me Major Jumbo, can you hear me Major Jumbo, can you heeeeaaaaaar....
I assume he's eating the 5 blind men sent into space with him.

Carnivorous elephants... galumph.
by Anonymous Mizzoulian, at September 29, 2008 2:17 PM
When can I have fafblog beamed into my brain? When does fafblog the movie start filming? Why do we have other forms of entertainment when fafblog exists?
In honor of Major Jumbo, I would like to share with the Fafosphere my additional verse to John Godfrey Saxe's (1816-1887) famous poem, "Blind Men and an Elephant."

It was six men of Indostan
To learning much inclined,
Who went to see the Elephant
(Though all of them were blind),
That each by observation
Might satisfy his mind

The First approached the Elephant,
And happening to fall
Against his broad and sturdy side,
At once began to bawl:
God bless me! but the Elephant
Is very like a wall!

The Second, feeling of the tusk,
Cried, Ho! what have we here
So very round and smooth and sharp?
To me tis mighty clear
This wonder of an Elephant
Is very like a spear!

The Third approached the animal,
And happening to take
The squirming trunk within his hands,
Thus boldly up and spake:
I see, quoth he, the Elephant
Is very like a snake!

The Fourth reached out an eager hand,
And felt about the knee.
What most this wondrous beast is like
Is mighty plain, quoth he;
'Tis clear enough the Elephant
Is very like a tree!

The Fifth, who chanced to touch the ear,
Said: Even the blindest man
Can tell what this resembles most;
Deny the fact who can
This marvel of an Elephant
Is very like a fan!?

The Sixth no sooner had begun
About the beast to grope,
Than, seizing on the swinging tail
That fell within his scope,
I see, quoth he, the Elephant
Is very like a rope!

The Seventh blind man, staff in hand,
Upon his bare feet goes.
I clearly sense, he calmly said,
And wish for all to know
The Elephant is warm and squishy
In between the toes!


And so these men of Indostan
Disputed loud and long,
Each in his own opinion
Exceeding stiff and strong,
Though each was partly in the right,
And all were in the wrong!

Moral:

So oft in theologic wars,
The disputants, I ween,
Rail on in utter ignorance
Of what each other mean,
And prate about an Elephant
Not one of them has seen!

-- John Godfrey Saxe
It is possible to see the Hesperus II without the aid of a telescope. It is on Lydia's back next to the Battle of Waterloo.
The elephant kind of reminds me of John Madden.
Frozen Space Elephants make a fine burger ... but fresh is better.
I remember this one time my uncle took me to the zoo. And back then you could still buy these cracker things that looked like some kind of giant Wheetabix, except they were made of space-age super compressed hay.

Anyway, I was just standing by the fence minding my own business looking at these cracker things, and this old elephant wanders up behind me real quiet like, reaches over my shoulder all sly-like with his trunk, and grabs up my dang hay crackers with his snotty trunk-end finger thingies!

That kind of pissed me off, so I grabbed all up on his trunk and started yanking trying to get my hay bricks back. And that is when the elephant kind of turned his head to the side, and fixed his giant rheumy brown eyeball on me, and sort of squinted kind of fierce-like, and seemed to say, "O RLY?"

Then he proceeded to shake me down for my candy apple, and then he made me go buy him a whole dang box of taffy and a coke slurpee.

Elephants are bullies!
As I recall, Dumbo could fly. The world would be a far different place if all elephants could fly, without hot air balloons. That's a word I want to live in.

As far as elephant astronauts, I don't think they will be much more effective than Pigs in Space. Note that all elephants are either Asian or African I rest my case.
by Anonymous rapier, at September 29, 2008 8:54 PM
Well, I, for one, am appalled that a traitorous elephant would put the mysteries of the universe and the harmonic unity of all things above the strengthutation of America. Why do elephants hate America? God loves America. I bet God looked up the elephant just to explain exactly when and where the elephant went wrong.
by Anonymous bodiciah t rentlord III, at September 30, 2008 12:37 AM
I think you're right, BTR3. And then, right after God got done explaining all of that stuff, that elephant prolly stole his hay crackers.
If this is a allegory I'm going to be FURRRRRIOUS!
thank you Carl, we missed you.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at September 30, 2008 9:04 AM
I heard Benadryl is good for allegories.
by Anonymous bodiciah t rentlord III, at September 30, 2008 8:16 PM
Oh and I suppose that the Elephunk spaced around and then came back to earth and started evolution with trunk germs? And then God comes down and says "This trunk germ based evolution burns my biscuits. No really, it does" And the Elephant just sort of looks at him with that Pachydermal sort of dumb insolence and days "Don't bring me down, man" and what can God do? Just says "Right then, see you later Alligator" and just laughs like that omnipotent sort of cool thing. And then he goes. So because of the elephant we get kicked out of the Garden of Eden and I don't think that that is so clever.
by Anonymous Another kiwi, at October 03, 2008 4:22 AM

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