Saturday, March 20, 2004

Lately I have heard a lot of talk about voting for terrorists. It is apparently the hot new craze sweeping western democracies these days, who knew! Did you know that if the election were held today, the majority of Americans would vote for terrorists? It's true!

But this got me thinking which sometimes happens. What kind of terrorists are Americans voting for? Informed voters are responsible voters, but who is informing voters about the policy positions of various terrorists? Which terrorist best represents you and your needs? Do you support Al Qaeda's single-payer health care plan or Ansar al-Islam's stance on tort reform? Fafblog is here to help with the internet's first-ever terrorist voting guide.

Ayman al-Zawahiri:

  • STRONGEST CAMPAIGN ISSUES: Tort reform, faith-based initiatives
  • GAY MARRIAGE: Supports constitutional amendment banning gay marriage; supports civil unions.
  • WOMEN'S RIGHTS: Opposes Roe v Wade on strict constructionist grounds; also calls for the mandatory wearing of burkas and the execution of adulteresses.
  • SANTA CLAUS: Supports diplomatic relations with Santa Claus and the continued extention of Most Favored Nation status to the Democratic Republic of Santa.

    Abu Musab al-Zarqawi:
  • STRONGEST CAMPAIGN ISSUES: Tax reform, faith-based initiatives
  • GAY MARRIAGE: Supports constitutional amendment banning gay marriage; does not support civil unions.
  • WOMEN'S RIGHTS: Opposes Roe v Wade on strict constructionist grounds; supports the amputation of all female limbs not strictly required for procreation.
  • SANTA CLAUS: Supports strict economic sanctions on Santa Claus, the development of the Jaguar anti-Santa missile system, and eventual regime change in the Santastan region.

    John al-Kerry:
  • STRONGEST CAMPAIGN ISSUES: Health care reform, weakening America in the fight against terror
  • GAY MARRIAGE: John al-Kerry opposes gay marriage but would leave this issue to the states, while weakening America in the fight against terror.
  • WOMEN'S RIGHTS: John al-Kerry would only appoint Supreme Court justices who would uphold the Roe decision and weaken America in the fight against terror.
  • SANTA CLAUS: John al-Kerry has no stated position on this critical issue.

    Doctor Apulus:
  • STRONGEST CAMPAIGN ISSUES: Campaign finance reform, the molecular transformation of all filthy man-beasts into superior apes by means of the Translucenator
  • GAY MARRIAGE: "Marriage is an anachronistic abomination created by man! When all are apes ruled over by the mighty Dr. Apulus, all the most fetching and succulent apes of either gender shall be selected for my purusal - and ravished at my whim!"
  • WOMEN'S RIGHTS: "Woman is man's enemy, and Apulus is the enemy of man, and my enemy's enemy is my friend. Thus shall I unite with the female race to conquer and beastify mankind - before enslaving all women in my harem of the damned!"
  • SANTA CLAUS: "This 'Santa Claus' believes he is strong, but he too will find his spirit crushed beneath the heel of the Jungle Horde!"
  • posted by fafnir at 9:10 PM




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