Monday, February 16, 2004

Well after my trip to Canada last time whew! I thought I was ready for anything! But here in Israel and Palestine - or as it is officially known "The Holy Land" nicknamed "plumsuckle country" - I wasn't prepared for all this dirt! Yes there sure is a whole lot of dirt here it is very very brown. But most importantly it is historical dirt. Holy dirt. Some people do not understand the root causes of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and they say to me "Fafnir why is there all the killing and what." And I cannot answer them in part because my mouth is full of pie. But if you came over here and saw all this brown brown historical brown holy dirt I think you would get the picture pretty fast.

One of the most popular sites to see here in Jerusalem is God. God is about three hundred feet wide and four hundred feet tall according to the book I bought at the God gift shop where I got Giblets a neat little "My friend Fafnir went to God and all I got was this holy and blessed t-shirt." On it the name of God is spelled out in mystical Hebrew letters which cause everyone who read it to fall down shrieking in unworthiness. They also had another one that glowed in the dark!

God is round and fleshy and pretty squishy - you can bounce up and down on him like a trampoline for hours! He also tastes delicious, a lot like cotton candy. I am so sorry for eating you God but you are so light and fluffy! God is used for mining holiness which is Israel's chief export and is quite delicious - you can spread it like jam on bread, and it has been demonstrated to lower blood cholersterol! God himself is a sort of purply blue, except where he is a nifty shade of plaid that was probably a lot more stylin in the 70s. He has a big wobbly head and tiny stubby arms that are too small to reach where he is stuck half-wedged into the dirt. Carbon-dating of God has showed that he crashed here on earth about six thousand years ago. Carbon-dating is cool.

But God has become the center of controversy because each side of the conflict here says they should own him. "God belongs to me and my people," says an angry angry Israeli named Moosh. "He was promised to us centuries ago, by him, when he appeared to us in the form of a fiery cocktail surrounded by a host of angels, also in the form of a fiery cocktail." But an angry angry Palestinian, also samed Moosh, disagreed. "My family has lived on God for generations. God is all we know. We have lived off God and eaten off God. Without God we have slipped into poverty and squalor because there is nowhere else to go in the world - and nowhere that compares with the glorious deliciousness of God!" Some people say we should build a wall over God and some people say we should cut God in half and distribute him. I tried to ask God about this himself but he could not hear me over his moaning and agony.

The best place to eat in Israel or Palestine is the Angriest Lil Bar n Grill where all the waitresses dress up like the animal headed cherubim of the book of Ezekiel. It's pretty cool. I recommend the Holy Land Pork Plate.
posted by fafnir at 1:58 PM



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