Thursday, February 5, 2004
It is time for Giblets's Candidate Roundup, the Candidate Roundup you have been waiting for all your life.Kerry: TOO UGLY. He has gotten far with an intriguing "Maybe they will vote for me if they do not realize I am John Kerry" strategy. This will probably work really well until someone goes "Hey wait, I'm voting for John Kerry?"Edwards: TOO PRETTY. Edwards is courting the "poor and disenfranchised" vote. This is cunning because there are a lot of poor and disenfranchised. This is stupid because they have no money. Make with the richies, Edwards!Dean: TOO DEANY. Dean has spent a lot of time polishing his "crazy" strategy, which involves him talking about what he won't do to make Giblets happy. Oh, roll back the tax cuts to "balance the budget." Well what if Giblets wants more money? Oh, health care for the poor and the young. Well what if Giblets happens to be old and rich? Who's looking out for Giblets, Dean? Everyone but you, that's who.Clark: TOO BUGGY. Another proponent of Dean's "let's look crazy" strategy, only it works better for Clark - people like crazy generals. But he is not crazy enough. You look like you cannot decide whether to empathize with me or devour me alive, Clark. Devour me! Devour me alive!Bush: TOO SMELLY. And all he says is "Blah blah blah, 9/11. Blah blah blah, recession. Blah blah blah, war." Well all those're swell, George, but what have you done for me lately?
posted by Giblets at 9:51 AM