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Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Would you look at this on television right now! Edwards is neck and neck with Kerry and it looks like Dean will drop out of the race and the stupid people on the stupid TV are telling me this means the primaries will keep going! Aaaaaaaarrrgggh! What is with you people, does everybody in the country think they have to vote or something?
It is bad enough that over a quarter of the delegates have already been voted on. Do we really have to have the rest of them be voted on too? It goes against every fiber of my Gibletsdom! More people means more stupid! More stupid people voting means stupidity compounds stupidity. This is bad for America, and hideous to Giblets! Voters are a bad influence on democracy and would be best served if their brains were scooped out and replaced with complex robo-programs which would compel them to serve me. "What do you desire, O Giblets," they would say. And I would have them bring unto me some mac-n-cheese, or perhaps some delectable ham salad, and the TV for watching cartoons. But nooooo. You all have to have a "choice." Stupid democracy.
posted by Giblets at 9:50 PM
It has been dull with Fafnir gone and traveling around the world. Normally we can get into arguments and play games like Pass the Pistachios and Cheese or Weevil? but with him gone it's just me here and it is boooooooring and dull. Lousy Fafnir - come back soon!
Giblets decided to amuse himself by addressing his subjects today, and did so by first girding himself in the most royal of velvety greens, and stepped out onto the balcony, or "fire escape," to address the filthy throngs below. "Bow to Giblets!" I cried in my loud, booming, charismatic, projecting voice. "Bow to Giblets, filthy throngs!" Giblets was met with nothing but insolence. Giblets was further irritated to learn that there is another presidential primary today. Geez, how many of these are there? With a dictatorship it's all pretty simple, I am the dictator and you run from my men with large guns. Unless I run my dictatorship as a "progressive-minded liberal," in which case you vote for one of my corporate proxies once every four years.
posted by Giblets at 11:37 AM
Monday, February 16, 2004
Well after my trip to Canada last time whew! I thought I was ready for anything! But here in Israel and Palestine - or as it is officially known "The Holy Land" nicknamed "plumsuckle country" - I wasn't prepared for all this dirt! Yes there sure is a whole lot of dirt here it is very very brown. But most importantly it is historical dirt. Holy dirt. Some people do not understand the root causes of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and they say to me "Fafnir why is there all the killing and what." And I cannot answer them in part because my mouth is full of pie. But if you came over here and saw all this brown brown historical brown holy dirt I think you would get the picture pretty fast.
One of the most popular sites to see here in Jerusalem is God. God is about three hundred feet wide and four hundred feet tall according to the book I bought at the God gift shop where I got Giblets a neat little "My friend Fafnir went to God and all I got was this holy and blessed t-shirt." On it the name of God is spelled out in mystical Hebrew letters which cause everyone who read it to fall down shrieking in unworthiness. They also had another one that glowed in the dark! God is round and fleshy and pretty squishy - you can bounce up and down on him like a trampoline for hours! He also tastes delicious, a lot like cotton candy. I am so sorry for eating you God but you are so light and fluffy! God is used for mining holiness which is Israel's chief export and is quite delicious - you can spread it like jam on bread, and it has been demonstrated to lower blood cholersterol! God himself is a sort of purply blue, except where he is a nifty shade of plaid that was probably a lot more stylin in the 70s. He has a big wobbly head and tiny stubby arms that are too small to reach where he is stuck half-wedged into the dirt. Carbon-dating of God has showed that he crashed here on earth about six thousand years ago. Carbon-dating is cool. But God has become the center of controversy because each side of the conflict here says they should own him. "God belongs to me and my people," says an angry angry Israeli named Moosh. "He was promised to us centuries ago, by him, when he appeared to us in the form of a fiery cocktail surrounded by a host of angels, also in the form of a fiery cocktail." But an angry angry Palestinian, also samed Moosh, disagreed. "My family has lived on God for generations. God is all we know. We have lived off God and eaten off God. Without God we have slipped into poverty and squalor because there is nowhere else to go in the world - and nowhere that compares with the glorious deliciousness of God!" Some people say we should build a wall over God and some people say we should cut God in half and distribute him. I tried to ask God about this himself but he could not hear me over his moaning and agony. The best place to eat in Israel or Palestine is the Angriest Lil Bar n Grill where all the waitresses dress up like the animal headed cherubim of the book of Ezekiel. It's pretty cool. I recommend the Holy Land Pork Plate.
posted by fafnir at 1:58 PM
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Even being in strange and faraway countries cannot prevent me from our traditional Fafblog tradition of Friday pie-blogging even if the pie-blogging takes place on a Saturday. Today we are going to focus on just one pie but what a pie it is.
 This is an olallieberry pie. Is is tart and juicy and delicious and most important it is called an olallieberry pie. Say it with me: o la lee bear ee We all believe in the pie. How many differences do we have in the end? Labels: pie
posted by fafnir at 9:58 PM
This is the first in my series of international travel journalism bloggings. Fafblog is not content to read about strange and exotic lands like Russia and Iraq and Dakota and China - Fafblog is going there to tell you what they're really like!
My plane has landed in mysteeeeeerious Canada - the world next door, the land of a dozen lakes, the blueberry state. Did you know that Canada has over a thousand people in it, and its own government? The Canadian parliament meets twelve times a year. Each meeting is called a "Musgrave" and is presided over by an official whose name is legally changed to Musgrave for his political tenure due to a quirk carried over from British parliamentary tradition. Also, circus peanuts in Canada are not orange, they are blue! And there was even more to this mysteeeeeerious world I would discover during my stay. At the airport I meet my native guide Jacques. "Bonjour, viva la France," says Jacques. I nod enthusiastically and offer him a blue circus peanut which Jacques quickly declines. He is a French Canadian and to eat it would be considered an endorsement of the Queen. Jacques is taking me to the capital city of Toronto which is cleverly disguised as Ottawa for security reasons. Recently there has been trouble in Toronto since the old prime minister Jean Chretien quit an the new prime minister turned out to be a bunch of rabbits taped together in the shape of a prime minister and not in fact former Minister of Finance Paul Martin. I ask Jacques why weren't the bunch of rabbits allowed to serve as prime minister? Were Canadians anti-rabbites? "Sacre bleu, bon voyage," explains Jacques which makes it all a lot clearer. But now Canada has a problem because nobody was in charge and given the recent threat of an uprising from Eskimos, or as they prefer to be called, snow monsters, everybody is afraid of a coup. Because of the potential snow monster threat Jacques carries what is called an "Eskimo stick." It is a stick with a lighter attatched to scare them off with the fear of melting. I am told to sit on top of the car and look out for them on the way to the city and also for the hungry hungry wolves which prowl the frozen north. In the event of an attack a government-provided doctor which has been installed in our car will jump out and treat our wounds - it is a miracle of universal health care! "Je ne sais quoi, Le Monde," says Jacques. I understand. We must maintain our vigilance if we are to traverse the harsh Canadian urban battlefield safely. While we are stopping to refill for gas calamity strikes! The gas station owner has violated Canadian language laws labelling "Sunoco" only in English and not also in Canadian. Jacques is outraged and a long argument breaks out between Jacques and the gas station owner! I buy a Yoohoo. Did you know that in Canada they make strawberry Yoohoos? They're not as good. While I am enjoying my Yoohoo I glance over and see things approachin on the horizon. Oh no things! I try to warn Jacques and the gas station owner but my mouth is full of circus peanuts. Curse you circus peanuts why do you have to be so delicious all over the world! By the time I finish the peanuts Jacques and the station owner have already been devoured by hungry hungry wolves. In Toronto I go to the mall which is really big and has a lot of very colorful clowns in it. Clowns are delightful in every country.
posted by fafnir at 6:56 PM
Friday, February 13, 2004
 Well, when the end of Western Civilization comes, let it never be said that the Medium Lobster didn't warn you.Yesterday, in a moment that will cause toppling skyscrapers, Nazi death camps, and Vietnam-era war atrocities to pale in the history of modern horrors, a pair of octogenarian San Franciscan women were given a marriage certificate. Oh, the Medium Lobster has heard of the valiant attempts to save Marriage from the Gay Onslaught - constitutional amendments attempting to proudly enshrine the Right To Freedom From Gay along with freedom of speech and the abolition of slavery in the constitution - but they've come far, far too late. The floodgates have been opened. Now that the Institution of Marriage has been forever tarnished by Gay, the founding principle of civilized society - namely heterosexual missionary-style intercourse - is already doomed to crumble. Abolishing gay marriage was never enough - we had to prevent them from ever violating the sanctity of straight humping. Alas, the door to rampant homosexual violation of our most sacred rites and rituals at a fundamental, cosmological, and ontological level has already begun - and now it is unstoppable... just as Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson said it would be. With marriage undermined, it is only a matter of time before all of America's marriages become Gay. Even as we speak, dark ripples are spreading outward among good, straight American couples. Dick Cheney is sizing Scooter Libby up for a ceramic butt-plug, Laura Bush is peeling herself into a pleather catsuit and cracking a whip over a subservient throng of leather drag kings, and the President himself is about to have every orifice penetrated by throbbing, uncircumcised members! Oh, but the Medium Lobster can look no more. Perhaps some day there will be hope... in the wasteland of the coming postgay apocalypse, the last straight man on earth may some day find a means of traveling backwards through time to our more innocent past to stop the Gay Holocaust before it begins... but will our corrupt, gay-leaning forebears, already tainted by the leftist media, listen to his words? Only time will tell... time... and the Medium Lobster...
posted by Medium Lobster at 1:20 PM
Thursday, February 12, 2004
 So there is a new presidential candidate scandal about Vietnam: candidate John Kerry was photographed in 1970 at a protest of the Vietnam War. Speaking as someone who does not care about politics, is not registered to vote in any state, and is often too drunk stuffed or bloated on election night to properly observe the results, Giblets must say: DO NOT LET THIS MAN BE PRESIDENT.The Vietnam War was a good war! Giblets knows that because wars are good - if they weren't good why would they be so loud and entertaining and so full of color? Being for war means being for troops, who will soon be dead but nevertheless replaced by more troops which we can support even more by sending to more wars! Summary: wars good! Killing good! Troops good! Living bad! These are fundamental Americo-Gibletsian ideals here, people! We cannot tolerate a president who rejects these high principles upon which this country was founded! Now Giblets is going to say goodbye to you people for today because number one, you smell, Giblets can smell you through the internet. Bathe, readers! and number two, Giblets is going to fall asleep watching something explode on the television, which Giblets gets to do more because Fafnir is off flying to foreign lands and cannot oppose his explosion needs.
posted by Giblets at 10:47 PM
A morose mood of deep melancholy has descended upon Giblets this afternoon. Giblets had gone to the supermarket to purchase a muffin, but in the parking lot it was run over by a silver 2001 Ford Taurus. Giblets has to say this was a beautiful muffin and more importantly it was Giblets's. After spending forty minutes of chasing the Ford Taurus around the parking lot and into the street and throwing bottles at it and following it home to try to set fire on it in the driveway, Giblets thought for a while. And Giblets thought about the muffin and about its beautiful unassuming form. Did this muffin not deserve a chance at life? Is not all life - or at least all muffins - precious?
A moment of silence now, my dear, stupid friends, for my muffin. For all our muffins. Giblets thinks he is getting weepy.
posted by Giblets at 8:50 PM
All of the news today has been stupid and not to my liking!
posted by Giblets at 2:11 PM
Labels: popery
posted by Giblets at 11:33 AM
Haha! Giblets Triumphant!
The blog is now Mine All MIIIIINE with Fafnir out of town in wherever. Bow to Giblets, Internet! He shall lay you to waste! This blog now exists for one thing and one thing only: for Giblets to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And Giblets is all out of bubblegum. UPDATE: It has come to our attention this is actually two things. FURTHER UPDATE: But Giblets remains out of bubblegum.
posted by Giblets at 9:05 AM
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Yknow my friends while I was sittin last night givin my weekly lecture for Princeton University's "Cheese, Terror and the Harlem Renaissance" series I got to thinking - there is a lot of stuff going on in the world.
"No there's not," says Giblets. Giblets has not been blogging lately. He has been spending all his time in his licorice-and-pudding room, which is a room full of mountains of licorice and pudding. "It's Gliblets's Leisure Lounge," he says full of licorice and pudding. It seems there are two kinds of people in the world. Those kinds of people who approach the world around them with wonder and curiosity and those who lock themselves inside of rooms full of licorice and pudding. But there is a lot of stuff going on in the world! For example, did you know: And this is just what you can learn if you just read the news! I was pretty astonished. "News shmews," says Giblets. Giblets if you are not careful you will drown in pudding then where will you be! "In a pudding Valhalla," says Giblets, "where only the honored who die in battle of pudding overdose may reside." With all this world out there it seems like someone ought to do something. So I am heading out there as of tomorrow for about a week or so to cover it all. Fafblog will bring you the real hard-hitting stories as usual of course but I will be traveling a lot so I won't be able to blog as much. So instead I turn it all over to Giblets. "Wha?" says Giblets. That's right Giblets the blog is all yours while I am out! enjoy and do not mess it up too much. I'll be back with fantastical tales, and perhaps a little bit of wisdom and perspective about our larger world. I'm also gonna buy a monkey.
posted by fafnir at 7:41 PM
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Ohio is considering a plan to electronically monitor the movements of cats. The plan would have electronic microchips implanted under the fur of one thousand cats which could the track the cats movements across the city.
Cat-tracking proponents say "oh this is a good idea because now we will no longer lose our stray beloved cats." Well isn't that what they always say when they cut down on freedom? Cat freedom? What happens when they say "oh this is a good idea because now we will no longer lose our stray beloved... POLITICAL DISSIDENTS!" Yes that is exactly what I thought! We cannot allow my Ohioan brothers and sisters a Cat Big Brother. First they came for the cats and I did not speak out because I was a cat. Then they came for the glofish and I did not speak out because I was not a glofish. Then they came for the communists and the Jews and the everyone else! We must take a stand now.
posted by fafnir at 10:04 PM
So there was some technical trouble with the Tim Russert interview that had to do with the unavoidable issue of me sleepin through the first interview and then needing to lock Mr Russert in a kitchen cabinet sos he wouldn't leave while I ran around tryin to find a copy of his interview to watch so I could "bone up" on it so to speak. Then I found this great bagel shop where they sell salsa bagels! Those are bagels made of salsa. The front of the shop shows a rabbi with a sombrero, it's hilarious and delicious! And once you have salsa bagels, you're like "I need salsa ice cream" and there's only one place in town for salsa ice cream, and that's Pequeno Max's so I had to go there, and then by the time I got back Tim Russert had escaped. Sigh.
So I spent most of Monday runnin around chasing big-headed men in suits hoping they were Tim Russert but no, they weren't. I ended up with Chris Matthews instead. Sigh. Anyway here is the interview with him. Sigh. FAFBLOG: Hey Chris Matthews thank you for being here! CHRIS MATTHEWS: Yeah! Let's play some hardball! FB: Wow yes! Your show always makes me feel excited Chris Matthews! I feel like I am let in on all the giddy thrills of bein a Washington insider! CM: Damn straight! FB: A Washington insider watching a couple guys talkin about old news on tv! Who needs stupid ol Tim Russert anyhow! CM: Yeah! FB: What kind of a name is Russert! CM: A real dumb name, that's what! FB: No I am serious. What is a russert? Isn't it like a potato or something? CM: Yeah I think it's like a Yukon Gold. FB: Chris Matthews you have a big head. Tim Russert has a bigger head. You are an interviewer-guy. Tim Russert is a more successful more well-respected interviewer-guy. Do you feel there is any accuracy to the charge that Tim Russert has been riding the coattails of his great big head? CM: Well I don't know if he - FB: How do you Chris Matthews respond to the critics who say "Chris Matthews is just a poor man's Tim Russert with a smaller big head!" CM: Aw c'mon, it's - FB: "What a huge, huge enooooooormous head!" CM: It's not - FB: "Which is less respected than Tim Russert's." CM: You done? FB: Yes I am. Let's talk politics Chris Matthews! Who do you think would make a good Democratic vice presidential candidate? CM: Dick Cheney, or George Bush. Bush would make a great veep for Kerry - give him a shot at the border states! FB: I think I'd be a pretty good VP. I think I'd bring in like Indiana and Florida at least. CM: You'd take back Alaska easy! FB: And I could totally "take" Dick Cheney in a debate! Here, you be Dick Cheney and I'll be me. You go first. CM: Okay. I'm Dick Cheney, Saddam had weapons and we'll find them - FB: You be quiet Dick Cheney, you are mean and old and ugly! See that was easy. Now, I'll be Dick Cheney and you'll be me. CM: Okay. FB: "Blah blah blah, I'm Dick Cheney. Blah blah blah oil. Blah blah blah Halliburton. Blah blah blah poison the pope." CM: (making jazz hands) "Woooo, I'm Fafnir, look at me." FB: That was very good, very effective! I liked the jazz hands. CM: Thanks! FB: Okay now Chris Matthews now you pretend to be Tim Russert and I'll be me. Tim Russert, why is Chris Matthews such a dissappointing guest? Why is he not you Tim Russert? CM: He is me! He's better than me! He's popular no matter what the liberals say and he's a hell of a broadcaster! FB: Yeah I know but he lacks your gravitas. CM: Huh. FB: Your giant head gravitas. CM: Oh. FB: Oh this is not working out! Chris Matthews cannot help me, no one can fill the hole in my soul left by Tim Russert! CM: This is damn stupid! FB: The big-headed hole in my soul. CM: I want to leave! FB: Eat your salsa bagel.
posted by fafnir at 5:15 PM
Saturday, February 7, 2004
The Economist, England's journal of economics and world gardening, has an article on the falling dollar in which they say that the dollar should fall more. I like the Economist because it covers a wide variety of topics and makes them easily approachable. Take this article for instance, it has a picture of a really fat man with an american dollar sign on him. This shows me that Americans are fat, and that their currency is fat, too. Thank you Economist!
"But Fafnir I want specifics," you say. "How fat is the dollar? And is a weak dollar really good?" Thats a very good question! The short answer is "I dunno." The longer answer is "I really do not know." The really long answer is "Iiiiiiiiii doooooooooooonnnn't knnnnnooooooow." But there are things you should know about a weak dollar and how it will affect your life. FAF'S WEAK DOLLAR TIPS: You should always try to check to see just how weak your dollars are. To do this try to always keep a euro and a yen on you at all times so you can pull them out and compare them. Take a good look. Do the euro and the yen look bigger than they did before? Are their presidents and buildings appearing to intimidate the presidents and buildings on your dollar? If so your dollar has become weaker and will probably be reluctant to buy large objects such as cars and doctors and fancy hats. Do not pressure your dollar, just let it settle for smaller stuff like bubble gum and domestic whiskey. If your dollar becomes stronger it will start standin up for itself and start goin "Hey euro, step off man." Then you can be a spendin fool, purchasing numerous mansions and hos as in a rap video. But sometimes you wanna be careful because if your dollar and your euro are about as powerful as each other they can go into a dangerous psychic standoff like Michael Ironside and Patrick McGoohan in the movie "Scanners." "But Faf what if I do not want a weak dollar" you are asking. That is a good question. The best way to protect the value of your dollars is the best way to protect the value of anything else: lamination. I get a great deal down at the lamination place because I am friends with the guy at the counter Joe, and I have started laminating a supply of dollars which will now always be worth at least this much so if the dollar goes any lower my laminated dollars will be worth more than unlaminated ones, and I can go into stores and say "I would like to buy stuff" and they'll say "That'll be three-fifty Fafnir" and I will say "Oh I think it will only be three dollars today Mac because I have laminated dollars!" and everyone will be amazed. Now of course you are saying "But Fafnir is that really cost-effective for me? Lamination can be expensive if I am not friends with Joe the guy at the counter at the lamination place." Well you should make friends with him shouldn't you? He's not a bad guy. Most important: if the dollar gets real weak, you should trade it in for items with "harder" value which can be traded back for dollars when they become valuable again. May I suggest pigs. Everyone loves pigs, and pigs become bigger and fatter by nature as you go along, which means you get more pig and therefore more dollar when it is time to trade in again. I hope you had as much fun learning about the weak dollar as I did talking about fat pigs! For Fafblog Economy Watch, I'm Fafnir.
posted by fafnir at 11:32 PM
 I was gonna write a number of posts today on items ranging from the new WMD intelligence commision to Ariel Sharon's unilateral removal of settlements from the West Bank but you will not believe this, I found a pith helmet today! I real live genuine pith helmet. And so I had to spend most of today stomping around town wearin the pith helmet and sayin things like "Jolly good weather, what" and "Back in the Boer War" and "Indeed the savages of the Western Indies stand forty foot and have heads made entirely of opiates and Turkish spice yet I came to appreciate their barbaric culture."What a terrible thing for my first day with comments! To make up for it I will finally produce my long-awaited essay on the weak dollar.
posted by fafnir at 10:53 PM
Now you can sing along! Hooray!
And with only forty-eight hours or so until our interview with Tim Russert!
posted by fafnir at 11:06 AM
Friday, February 6, 2004
I have decided to make this a new regular feature in Fafblog, as the demand was so great. "Fafnir" people would say "there are so few authoritative places on the internet to go to discuss pies and the socio-political impact of pies. What can you and Fafblog do about this Fafnir?" Well that is what the new Friday pie-blogging feature is for.
Our first pie-blogging pies:    I believe this particular set of pies makes a devastating indictment of free-market capitalism and its impact on developing countries. Truly some powerful pies. In the future I hope to do a lot with the pie-blogging feature because really when you think about it there's just about nothin you CANT address with pies. There is some seriously rich territory here. I also hope to perhaps engage in some cross-blog participation for instance maybe even with Californian blogger and flavor scientist Calpundit, working with his friday cat-blogging feature for a question on whether cats make good pies. If so which parts of cats? Do you leave the fur in, can it be used as a topping? Theres a lot of potential here I think. Labels: pie
posted by fafnir at 6:57 PM
So earlier this week Jonah Goldberg from the National Review Online got mad at Jean-Luc Picard for not wanting to go to mars and the moon. "I'm a bit of a wet blanket when it comes to the whole business of space travel," the dashing bald captain said. "I would like to see us get this place right first before we have the arrogance to put significantly flawed civilizations out onto other planets."
Jonah called him a "traitorous crapweasel" and said that Star Trek was about the triumph of our capitalist culture, but then Matthew Yglesias then went on to point out that everybody in Star Trek was a really a commie anyway. And Pandagon said "hey he's not actually Captain Picard anyway, he's an actor." Sigh. They have all missed the point! Why is it that me, Fafnir, has to point out the obvious to them? Patrick Stewart is not telling us that space travel is bad or to be Marxists or capitalists. What he IS telling us is that he is REALLY Captain Jean-Luc Picard sent back in time from the future to tell us that it is too early to try to go into space. I mean really! The eugenics wars were less than a decade ago people! Kahn is still out there frozen in his spaceship! If we go to far too fast when we are still divided by class religion ethnicity and race then we will only sow chaos through the cosmos and be helpless before the onslaught of more developed species such as the Klingons, the Breen and the Borg! Why must so many people on the internet be so hopeless.
posted by fafnir at 1:56 PM
Well I am fairly excited with this piece of news. Tim Russert may be feelin all big and important because he is interviewin President Bush this Sunday but Fafblog will be interviewing Tim Russert on his interviewing the President, which makes us by defnition even bigger and MORE important!
"Ooo... a meta-interview," you say. Yes and as always with the hard-hitting journalism you have come to expect from Fafblog we will ask the hard-hitting questions! What was the President wearing? Is it true he does not wear pants? Can we be sure? Do you like monkeys? Why or why not? We like monkeys! We have this clip from the Washington Post which contradicts your monkey claim, suck on that, Russert, suck on that! This will be much harder-hitting than even my previous hard-hitting interviews such as that time I interviewed Mohammed el Baradei and spent the hour throwing custard at his dog. EL BARADEI: Please stop throwing custard at my dog. DOG: (dog sounds) FAFNIR: Lookithim! Lookit that custard-covered dog!
posted by fafnir at 11:18 AM
Thursday, February 5, 2004
I am currently bloggin from the hospital where a doctor is tellin me that my good friend Chris will need to have his stomach pumped. Oh no! Poor Chris. Does this mean my arsenic experiment was wrong? It is so hard to tell because without a proper control group for all I know he could have been made sick by bad cocoa.
There is only one way to tell scientifically and that is to eat arsenic again, only Giblets will not go along with it. "You are crazy," says Giblets. "C'moooooon," says me. "Crazy," says Giblets. "For sciiiiieeeeence," says me. "I'm goin," says Giblets. "Please," says me. It looks like we may never know the answers to this troubling riddle. Oh well.
posted by fafnir at 9:41 PM
Here at Fafblog we do not want to be just amusing little people runnin around on the internet tellin wacky stories about "Oh wow I got attacked by a cupcake today."* We want to do Hard Journalism, too. We are concerned and informed citizens with a blog! We have the power!
So recently Bird Dog at Tacitus has been askin "Why is everyone so excited about arsenic in the water?" and yknow I hadn't been excited at all, because I didn't know there was arsenic in the water. So then I got all excited and flipped out, because apparently they tried to lower the arsenic a while ago but then they tried to raise it again before lowering it again. But then Bird Dog said "No, who cares it's just arsenic." Which is a good question! Who cares about arsenic? Do we really know it's bad? See we all assume it's bad to drink but then we never drink it because we assume it's bad! What a puzzler. Well Fafblog is committed to plumbing journalistic depths. Today I will experiment with this by feeding my friend Chris arsenic in larger and larger doses and see what happens. "Here have more cocoa Chris," I says. "Thank you Fafnir this is just the thing I need since I feel so sick and cold," says Chris. "Also have some root beer and some pie," I says. "This cocoa tastes funny," he says. "It's Nesquick," I says. "Oh," says Chris, and drinks more cocoa. We will get to the bottom of this before long! *Oh by the way I was attacked by a cupcake today. Sigh. I thought it was just sittin there but somethin mustve gotten its blood up or what cause it bounced off the table and smacked me right in the ear. I was very taken aback and felt I have to say somewhat violated and vulnerable. Cause yknow when you're Fafnir people are always joking and saying "Hey Fafnir you get attacked by a cupcake today?" and you laugh cause yknow it's a joke and then it happens and it's just really sad. Sigh.
posted by fafnir at 11:06 AM
It is time for Giblets's Candidate Roundup, the Candidate Roundup you have been waiting for all your life.
posted by Giblets at 9:51 AM
Wednesday, February 4, 2004
A prompt response to my email to the president:
Thank you for e-mailing President Bush. Your ideas and comments are very important to him. Because of the large volume of e-mail received, the President cannot personally respond to each message. However, the White House staff considers and reports citizen ideas and concerns. In addition to President@WhiteHouse.gov, we have developed White House Web Mail, an automated e-mail response system. Please access http://www.whitehouse.gov/webmail to submit comments on a specific issue. Additionally, we welcome you to visit our website for the most up-to-date information on current events and topics of interest to you. I am hoping to start evaluating the first of the documents by lunchtime tomorrow.
posted by fafnir at 9:02 PM
So recently a lotta people have been gettin excited about President Bush's military record and him bein AWOL in Vietnam. California blogger and pretzel czar Kevin Drum says the President should release his military records.
Now I should say right now that I trust that the President is tellin me the truth. I mean why would he lie about stuff? He probably cannot reveal his military record on account of Vast National Security Reasons, like maybe he was fighting the commies or perhaps a secret space squid - from space! - with terrorist connections. If we let the world know how he defeated the space squid before, then it will grow stronger, and the terrorists will win. I do not want the space squid to kill freedom! But there is a solution to this, and it involves me, Fafnir. I am willing to lend a hand and be an objective observer of the President's National Guard records and then report on the outcome which I am sure will settle everyone down and allow the country to heal its wounds of partisan woundship. To this end I sent this email to President Bush this afternoon: Hey George how's things! Things are fine. Well there's been a lotta hubbub about your National Guard duty lately and I think it's a shame. But yknow it's gonna keep gettin talked about until somebody puts it to rest and lets the country move on. George I am just that somebody. I am fair and objective and well-loved by most everybody. If Fafnir cannot give a fair and objective accounting of your service well then nobody can and we all might as well be doomed to be eaten by terrorists, or very large ducks. You won't really have to release your records to the public. You can just send em to me and I'll check em out and tell everyone "it's all cool" and the everyone'll be like "dude." And then the Healing can begin. I won't need to give out any details (they don't need to know about the squid - that can be "our little secret") because I am the very widely respected and trusted bipartisan Fafnir (way more widely respected and trusted than that Walter Cronkite bastard) and cannot tell a lie. You can email me all your National Guard documents to fafnir@fluble.com. It is time to unite this country again George and I think we can do it. Or else, yknow, ducks. You would not leave us to those! I believe in you big guy! Love, Fafnir P.S. Do not send them as a .zip or Outlook'll think it is a virus.
posted by fafnir at 3:31 PM
Freedom is a beautiful thing. Almost as beautiful as Glofish. I just spent several hypnotizin hours staring at my little glowing fish. They bring a tear to my eye because it is times like this that I remember that not everyone in this great country of ours can partake in the miracle of Glofish. In California they are banned by an oppressive regime. But here in the free world we are free to appreciate the beauty of nature. Glowing, genetically-modified nature.
But ALL THIS MIGHT COME TO AN END! As the whiney anti-glofish lobby grows, more and more people want to stop all Americans from enjoying the wondrous beauty of Glofish. A lawsuit has been filed to halt all sales of Glofish until the Food and Drug Administration regulates them. This is a travesty of everything! I say to lawmakers and regulators everywhere - please, please, PLEASE do not take away my Glofish! They are so beautiful and glowing. And I say to those filing this suit - what is wrong with you! Are you evil or stupid or something? Why are you picking on my poor little fish? I am sorry. That outburst was unlike me I know. But I am empassioned when it comes to Glofish. I cannot help it. America desperately needs the Glofish! They are FISH THAT GLOW. I cannot stress this strongly enough. Please write your congressman or senator today and demand legal protection for Glofish! P.S. I know the lawsuit link is kinda old news. I have been bad about sticking with this story I know. So Fafnir is not the most up to date source for Glofish news. But he is certainly the most empassioned.
posted by fafnir at 9:13 AM
Tuesday, February 3, 2004
So by now many readers have been sayin "So Fafnir why in your astute superbowl commentary did you not mention the explosive and controversial exposure of Janet Jackson's breast." I must confess I missed a great deal of the superbowl thanks to an incident involving Fafnir's Special Firey Salsa, which was on fire. I maintain that this is necessary to give it the proper bite.
"Put it out with the guacamole," said Giblets. "No no," said me. "The cheesedogs, the cheesedogs." Sigh. In the end the house burned down. We are homeless now. I have been forgetting so many things lately. Just this morning the Medium Lobster told me that instead of sending him that packet of ricin he wanted I sent him a letter demanding more congressional action on jellyfish farming. Huh! What did I send Bill Frist then? Anyway. Time for more chips!
posted by fafnir at 11:18 AM
 There have been no shortage of voices imploring the Medium Lobster to comment upon the push to make Justice Antonin Scalia recuse himself in a pending Supreme Court case involving Dick Cheney's refusal to disclose information regarding his energy meetings in 2001 because Scalia took a duck hunting trip with the ever-charming veep. When Mr Cheney appears before the highest court in the land, protest the Democrats, should he not stand before an impartial bench of uninterested arbiters, and not a corrupted one riddled with friends and cronies?The answer, the Medium Lobster replies with a knowing chuckle, is no. To judge or protect against something, one must seek the counsel of those who have the greatest experience with it. This is a principle readily grasped by the Bush Administration: hence, the logic of putting loggers in charge of the protection of forests, oil barons in charge of directing energy policy reform, and land developers in charge of the EPA. Who would better know the corporate leeches who seek to plunder our environment - and thus would be best equipped to protect against them - than a former governor who lobbied to build a $1.5 billion expressway through federally-protected wetlands? In the same sense, Justice Scalia knows that the man best equipped to judge, assess, and guard against Dick Cheney is a man who has talked with, hunted with, and befriended Dick Cheney. In fact, Scalia is the only justice on the court who has the proper perspective and background to assess the Cheney case; indeed, it should be the other eight justices - who have failed in their duty before the law to cozy up to federal-level litigants and criminals - who should recuse themselves in this case. For standing idly by in the face of this blatant compatability of interest, the Democrats - and the ever-biased press - should be ashamed of themselves. In the meantime, we can only hope that more bold pioneers such as Dick Cheney and Antonin Scalia continue to confront corruption and vice as only the corrupt and the vicious can. The Medium Lobster has it on good authority that Khalid Shaikh Mohammed is being groomed as the next Secretary of Homeland Security.
posted by Medium Lobster at 8:05 AM
Monday, February 2, 2004
Wow! I am not usually a football fan but I can tell you that those sports and news people were right, that sure was an excitin Super Bowl! Giblets said he thought explosives were not allowed in league play but I guess he was wrong. Anyway we were all blown over when Panthers coach John Fox grabbed an extra ten yards for his team by threatening to detonate the bomb implanted in Tom Brady's ribcage. The suspense!
Personally I felt the high point of the game came when Carolina atomically mutated their defensive line into a mitotically-dividing amoebaman army to turn back New England's space ship - at least until the last five minutes! At the end when the Patriots took the game with the bold move of sacrificing their tight end to the volcano god to spew hot magma on the Panthers well I can tell you everybody in my house was jumping out of their seat. Now that is what I call football. Next year will never live up to this one but then again few can. Maybe it will be like a coupla years ago when Bono died on the cross and ascended bodily into Heaven, but yknow I am never too impressed by halftime shows.
posted by fafnir at 11:05 AM
Saturday, January 31, 2004
Please recover soon. Love, Fafnir.
posted by fafnir at 9:04 PM
Friday, January 30, 2004
So a buncha people have been askin me "So Fafnir what is your opinion of the decision on the Hutton inquiry." Well buncha people normally great opinions must be stewed slowly over time, like an ox, or a large grapefruit. But this time my opinion leapt up at me right away. I just was slow to express it on account of I was busy 1. bein lazy and 2. stewin grapefuit. I have a great deal of grapefruit.
Allow me to lay out my argument as follows in the case of Tony Blair, the exaggeration of intelligence leading up to the Iraq War, and the coverage of the BBC as it relates to the inquiry of Lord Hutton. 1. Tony Blair looks like a monkey. 2. But not an ugly monkey. More like one of those funny weird-lookin monkeys who jumps on branches and eats leaves and goes "ook" a lot. Thus I am predisposed to liking Tony Blair. 3. The BBC has provided the world with years of fine programming such as BBC World News and Doctor Who. 4. Doctor Who has a huge scarf and a robot dog which can shoot lasers out of its nose. 5. Lord Hutton is a mean old cranky-pants who totally lets Tony Blair off because of his monkeyness but hates the BBC because he is jealous of Doctor Who's ability to effortlessly traverse time and space. 6. Objective people should stay objective even if they are easily charmed by amusing monkeys. 7. Doctor Who has defeated the Daleks 13 times. Lord Hutton has never defeated the Daleks at all. It is clear through my reasoning that Lord Hutton did not conduct an objective inquiry into governmental manipulation of war intelligence but was instead swayed by politics, understandable monkey fetishes, and a fiendish desire to destroy the Doctor most likely aided by one of his old nemeses such as the Master or possibly even the Cybermen. For shame Lord Hutton! For shame! You will never get away with this, the international press and the Time Lords will not stand for it. Why did I buy so many grapefruit? I will be stewing these forever. Hmmph.
posted by fafnir at 12:26 PM
Thursday, January 29, 2004
Giblets does not apologize for his brilliant edict that the Pope should die to make things more interesting for Giblets! In fact Giblets now decrees a new Gibletsian feature, the Pope Death Watch, wherein we will continue to look for signs of aging frailty in the Pope. Is he getting older? Sicker? Is that a new liver spot? Who knows? Giblets will keep you informed with the Pope Death Watch! Giblets bows to no one!
Labels: popery
posted by Giblets at 11:32 PM
On behalf of Fafblog I would like to apologize for the "dead pope" post made by Giblets some time ago. It was horrible and mean-spirited and again it was made by GIBLETS. Not Fafnir. So please stop sending Fafnir your angry emails because there really is no need to do so. If I knew how to put Gilbets's email to the end of all his posts - which is giblets@fluble.com by the way - I would do that but I don't know how to do that. I am not computer literate. I have a talented gorilla to do all my typin and codin for me. Say hi to everyone gorilla!
I love the pope. He is my favorite pope right up there with Paul VI and in Blessed Innocent XI in my book. Fafblog apologizes to the pope and to everyone who might have been offended.
posted by fafnir at 10:11 PM
Things like this really cheese me off. They upset Giblets. They raise his ire. They do not please Giblets. In case you are too lazy too click on the link - and you know you are, you are lazy people, which is why you are on the internet, isn't it - here is the picture, blogged by Giblets:
 Look at it. There you go. Take it in. The Pope and Dick Cheney. And the Pope is not dead yet. Giblets was told many many times that the Pope was near death by excited reporters who went on to talk about all the different popes who would replace this old Pope. Would it be a black Pope? An hispanic Pope? A cyborg Pope? Giblets has been hoping for, if not Pope Giblets, a Moonish Pope, as the Church of the Moon has long been slighted by the Vatican and is viciously, viciously angry. Giblets can only imagine the Moonish Pope's first act would be to unleash atomic-powered Moon Dogs upon the populace in a grand scouring. That is some old-time religion Giblets can appreciate. But instead it is the SAME OLD POPE, day in and day out! Not even an aneurysm or a mild stroke! And he has been Pope forever, or years, even! You'd almost think he had some kinda God on his side. Well Giblets for one is tired of it! Bring on the new Pope, with a new cool set of Pope stuff! Giblets is calling for some serious Pope Death starting here and now and if you love Giblets - and you must because Giblets has ordered it many many times - you will too! For emailing the Pope in this regard, try: john_paul_ii@vatican.va. Oh, and be polite, he is after all the Pope. Labels: popery
posted by Giblets at 4:59 PM
Well John Kerry has won Iowa and New Hampshire and Howard Dean has run out of money it looks like. And John Kerry is now the frontrunner for the Democratic nominee.
Sigh. Well there is no use going "harumph" and "fooey" and "bleh" and "Aw nuts aw crap I really dont like John Kerry" over and over and over again. Best to hitch up our Fafbelts and get used to him right. So Fafblog has decided to interview John Kerry and here goes, here it is. FAFBLOG: So here you are. JOHN KERRY: It's great to be here. FB: So why should we vote for you John Kerry? What's your deal? JK: Well, America is in a crisis of leadership right now. We have a president who has failed as commander-in-chief, who has lied this country into war, who has launched the most reckless and irresponsible - FB: Yeah yeah yeah we know all that John Kerry! But why should we vote for you? Instead of like Dennis Kucinich or Lyndon Larouche. JK: I've been fighting for ordinary Americans for three decades. I fought for them in Vietnam and I fought for them against that war, and I fought for them in the senate for twenty years - FB: Yeah I got the war hero thing. JK: I'm sensing some hostlity here. FB: I am not hostile at all. Faf is full of love. JK: Anyway. If elected president, I'm going to repair the damage George Bush has done, to the deficit, to international relations, to - FB: Oh I'm sorry John Kerry I can't do this! My heart is not in it! Here, Stuffie the octopus will conduct the rest of this interview. JK: Uh... FB: (in Stuffie voice) "Hi John Kerry I'm an octopus! Wheeee! What do you say to critics who say that yoooour health care plan is toooooo expeeeeeensive!" JK: Do I really have to talk to the octopus? FB: Yes. FB: (in Stuffie voice) "I'm a daaancin fool!" JK: Well... Stuffie... it's long past time that every American had access to health care. What I'm going to do is repeal the tax cuts George Bush gave to his friends at Enron and Halliburton, and ensure the health care of every child in the US, and give - FB: (in Stuffie voice) "Boooooooring!" FB: Stuffie! Be polite! JK: (leaving) This is absurd. FB: Howard Dean would have given Stuffie a fantastic interview! For shame John Kerry! For shame! FB: (in Stuffie voice) "Let's get John Edwards Fafnir! Heeeeeeeee's pretty!"
posted by fafnir at 10:08 AM
Monday, January 26, 2004
I am back from a week on vacation from the internet. I sat on the beach and stared at the sun and waves and the fish and it was all very relaxin. Too relaxin. By Friday I was repeatedly clickin a horseshoe crab with a seashell and yellin "Load faster, horseshoe crab! What is wrong with you! Grrr!" Then I spent most of the day writing a post in the sand in response to a piece of driftwood's very scurrilous argument about how Howard Dean was gonna lose the New Hampshire primary. I kept having to repost it on account of the tide.
Saturday I attempted to IM Giblets on my seashell but Giblets did not respond. Giblets has been so weird lately. Anyway I decided to go read some of the fish but they were mostly mean and loud and did not allow comments. In conclusion the beach did indeed suck. It was too sandy and linear, with too much garbage and not enough hyperlinks. I prefer the internet, which is sunnier, warm, has a conscientious sanitation crew and a responsible lifeguard, and numerous fruity drinks. I am sorry I left you internet.
posted by fafnir at 11:00 PM
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
It has been a good year for the internet. This is the year that brought us pay-per-download mp3s, the warblogger, the new AOL - everyone loves AOL! - and the internet candidate, a presidential candidate made entirely out of the internet! Only he can save us from John Kerry, the plate tectonics candidate.
It has also been a great year for porn. Porn has been so productive on the internet! Good for you, porn! You are one of the great rags-to-riches Horatio Alger stories of our time! I am proud of you. Porn has now produced more fetishes than there are parts of the human body. This is excitin because this means in the future porn will have to expand into the realm of human genetic engineering and greatly advance our scientific knowledge. 98% of internet bandwidth is currently bein used for the production and dissemination of porn. The rest of it is being used by brave Nigerian bankers who are doing their best to rescue millions of dollars from their corrupt government. There is a Mr. Nosa from the Benin Republic in our audience tonight who carries on this struggle in inboxes across the world. Keep fightin that good fight Mr. Nosa. Keep fightin that good fight. The internet has made valiant gains in its war with its ancient enemy TV but the battle is far from over my friends. TV is a strong and resilient enemy with many supporters. While the internet has the magical warmth of human connection through the miracle of Friendster, TV is still the magic box that tells me all the stuff I need. "Look at this car or toothpaste or woman or hamburger, Fafnir," says TV. "Isn't it delicious or speedy or mouth-cleansing or sexy?" "Well that really is a sexy hamburger TV," says me, "but maybe I should buy a vegetable instead because it is healthier." "No no no!" says TV "you want to buy the toothpaste or car or hamburger or woman NOW!" and I do because it is TV and it must know better. I bought two books from Amazon last year but I bought everything on QVC's "Necklaces Tonite" last night. I couldn't help it there were so many necklaces. I plan to drape them around me like a cape. Also everyone wants to be on TV because once they are on it they become more real, but people dont wanna go on the Internet on account of turning into a pseudonym or naked or both. We are trying hard to combat this. While the internet has now proved that such TV inhabitants as Jay Leno and Arnold Schwarzenegger are computer effects and that popular blogger Instapundit is not really an automated spambot, many TV supporters are still doubtful. But do not be discouraged, internet! You have been successfully fighting the monolithic reporting of TV news with an army of blogs which finally bring us the truth: that everybody is yellin real loud at everybody else. We do not know what the future will hold for us. We do not claim to know all the ways of Providence. Providence, Rhode Island, which held the last reported sighting of William Shatner, star of such films as "Falcon Down" and "American Psycho 2: All American Girl." May He guide us now. And may He continue to bless the internet. (Applause)
posted by fafnir at 9:48 PM
Monday, January 19, 2004
Giblets's mighty patience has worn out with the Iowa Caucuses. Why are there no caucus-goers for Giblets here? Does no one in Iowa love Giblets? Cleverly disguised as an Iowan (loudly yelling "I am from Iowa! Oh, I am stupid! Oh, I am fat like a cow!"), Giblets entered a caucus to get the cutting-edge "inside scoop." Inside they were all there, a big blob of nasty Iowans, caucusing away in one big terrifying ugly caucus. They were bleating like monkeys. Sheep-like monkeys. Giblets decided to cautiously investigate. The following is my audiotape of the inner workings of the caucus. CAUCUS: Blah blah blah head count. Blah blah blah viable. Blah blah blah Kucinich. Blah blah blah ham. GIBLETS: Aaaaa! You are all so stupid! What is wrong with you! CAUCUS: RRRRAAAAARGH! Giblets valiantly struggled against the caucus, but it was too fat and ugly and stupid for him, and stunk of corn. There was nothing to do but to spray it with the fire extinguisher and run from the room. Giblets is watching the caucus coverage on TV. It is Chris Matthews of Hardball, whose guests include Howard Fineman and Joe Scarborough. They are all fat and stupid and cowlike! What has Iowa done! Has it infected the entire world, or has it always been this way? Giblets tries to calm myself by calling Fafnir but he is blithering some blithertalk about being stuck inside a house of eggs. What is happening! Iowa is everywhere! Giblets is surrounded by a planet of apes, like in that movie, Planet of the Apes! What will become of us all! What will become of Giblets! Damn you Iowa! You blew it u |
