Tuesday, January 13, 2004
The Case for Me
On Friday Fafnir endorsed Howard Dean for the Democratic nomination, the Presidency, and the Moon Papacy, on grounds of Dean's record as a strong fiscal conservative and ninja-fighter. Well good for you Fafnir. Aren't you special. Haven't you done a wonderful thing now for Howard Dean. It is just too bad that Howard Dean will be a TERRIBLE, WRETCHED, NON-ME President whom everyone will hate and despise, nearly as much as all of the other ones, like Nixon and Kennedy and Lincoln.
There is only one candidate running for President with the experience and the leadership skills and the me-ness to lead this country to its destiny: and that candidate is me.
Bow to Giblets! Bow to Giblets now!
Only Giblets has the policy initiatives which will make America work again, such as the "Bow to Giblets Act" and the "Subservient America Act." And only Giblets can cut through the bureacratic red tape of Insider Washington Politics to get things done. If Congress opposes Giblets he will merely conquer them and command them to do his bidding. This is constitutional because he is Giblets. There is a special Giblets amendment providing for this.
Only Giblets is electable. In head-to-head matchups of Democratic contenders versus George Bush*, 100% of polled respondents indicated that the Democratic challengers were "fools," "insolent," "weak-willed," and "not-Giblets." All respondents indicated that confronted with Bush vs. an unnamed Democrat, they would be more likely to "make angry screeching monkey noises and throw things - big pointed things!" at both candidates rather than vote for them. However, in head-to-head matchups of Giblets vs. anyone, "anyone" is described as "stupid and pointless and not-Giblets," and Giblets is described as "magnificent and worthy and powerful and most importantly Giblets."
Do not squander your votes Democrats! Nominate the electable choice which is me, Giblets!
Finally, Giblets is the only candidate running for President who has already declared himself your lord and master and as such commands your vote. YOU MUST VOTE FOR GIBLETS. Vote for me, America! Vote for Giblets NOW!
*This poll not conducted by Giblets. It is a Zogby poll. You believe me! Believe Giblets now!
posted by Giblets at 9:05 AM