Sunday, January 18, 2004
Giblets is at a rally for Dick Gephardt. The crowd is enthusiastically cheering his name: "Gephardt! Gephardt! Gephardt!" The crowd is very old and fat. Dick Gephardt knows well to scoop up Iowa's coveted Type-2 Diabetes demographic.
Today Gephardt is appearing with singer Michael Bolton who is apparently endorsing Gephardt. I am wondering how many Gephardt people are voting for Gephardt because they have been swayed by the political views and velvet tongue of Michael Bolton, so I decide to ask.
GIBLETS: So you are for Gephardt.
GEPHARDT SUPPORTER: (stupidly) Yeah, I think Dick Gephardt's definitely the best man for the job. He's always stood up for working families, he's got two decades of experience and leadership in the House -
GIBLETS: Is it just because of Michael Bolton?
GEPHARDT SUPPORTER: (stupidly) What?
GIBLETS: Are you just supporting him because of Michael Bolton? Giblets is trying to gauge how stupid you are. Giblets is new here, and is mostly used to northeastern and southern stupidity, so he is still adjusting to midwestern stupidity, and it is hard to tell how much of it is raw stupidity and how much of it is a sort of cultural stupidity.
GEPHARDT SUPPORTER: (leaving in disgust) (stupidly)
GIBLETS: Giblets did not dismiss you! Return to Giblets!
Gephardt appears before his crowd, which is large and old and fat. They begin singing workers' unions' songs, such as "I'm a Union Man," "God Save the Union," and "One Toke Over the Line, Sweet Union." Gephardt is yellow. He is a very yellow, yellow man. Look at him! His face and hair and eyes are all yellow! That can't be right. Giblets asks another stupid Gephardt supporter about this.
GIBLETS: Does he have jaundice?
2ND GEPHARDT SUPPORTER: Excuse me?
GIBLETS: He is too yellow! Does he have jaundice? Because you shouldn't vote for a candidate who is full of jaundice.
2ND GEPHARDT SUPPORTER: Um.
GIBLETS: You should vote for someone healthy like Giblets! Caucus for Giblets! Caucus for Giblets tomorrow!
2ND GEPHARDT SUPPORTER: (running away out of being stupid)
I am finishing up this rally and heading on to another, which is being held by some guy with a shirt. I can't be bothered with names here I am doing cutting edge e-journalism. But the mystery of Gephardt eludes me. Why do people like Gephardt? What are they doing here? Why do people choose to be stupid non-Giblets-voting people who will not vote for Giblets? Perhaps the guy with the shirt will hold the answers.
posted by Giblets at 12:25 PM