Tuesday, January 13, 2004

The Case for Hopeless, Unending Despair

Primary season is upon us, and in the spirit of elections and democracy, my colleague and co-blogger Fafnir has taken it upon himself to endorse Howard Dean for President. Of course, as I have already made apparent, Howard Dean is an unelectable ticking time-bomb of the extreme Islamo-Leninist Left whose nomination would result in the destruction not only of the Democratic Party but of Democracy as we know it. But that is hardly the reason not to vote for Howard Dean. No, the reason not to vote for Howard Dean is that it is pointless to vote at all, because the election is already over.

True, to you lesser beings who still perceive the universe with your "linear time," the election has not yet occurred. "I'm going to vote to take my country back!" you say. Oh, democracy and free will - what quaint notions. But as all truly elevated entities know - such as God, Pat Robertson, Time Magazine, and of course myself, the Medium Lobster - the outcome of this election was determined millenia ago, forged by the hand of Fate before the dawn of Time.

Yes, in your limited perception, the Iowa Caucuses have yet to occur, but to those possessed of our celestial insight, George W. Bush has already won re-election. He won it in November, he won it lasy year, and he won it when the infinitesimal singularity which you in your finite cognizance call "the universe" had not yet exploded into the myriad dimensions of the Big Bang. Even though you will not believe us when we tell you that George W. Bush has already swept all 50 states, the District of Columbia, and the Moon, nevertheless it is so. Ripples of cosmic awareness have penetrated your world via the grand oracles you know as "cable news" and "the Wall Street Journal," enough so that even beings as unenlightened as yourselves should be able to comprehend your fate.

For example: behold this picture of Howard Dean on the cover of Newsweek. Just look at that ominous forehead. If that doesn't foretell impending doom, the Medium Lobster doesn't know what would.

So on election day, take the advice of all of those wiser than you - and give up. Because there will be another four more years of George W. Bush. Hell - another twelve years, why not? There's no stopping it. Because we say so.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 4:26 PM




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