|
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
The Case for Hopeless, Unending Despair
Primary season is upon us, and in the spirit of elections and democracy, my colleague and co-blogger Fafnir has taken it upon himself to endorse Howard Dean for President. Of course, as I have already made apparent, Howard Dean is an unelectable ticking time-bomb of the extreme Islamo-Leninist Left whose nomination would result in the destruction not only of the Democratic Party but of Democracy as we know it. But that is hardly the reason not to vote for Howard Dean. No, the reason not to vote for Howard Dean is that it is pointless to vote at all, because the election is already over. True, to you lesser beings who still perceive the universe with your "linear time," the election has not yet occurred. "I'm going to vote to take my country back!" you say. Oh, democracy and free will - what quaint notions. But as all truly elevated entities know - such as God, Pat Robertson, Time Magazine, and of course myself, the Medium Lobster - the outcome of this election was determined millenia ago, forged by the hand of Fate before the dawn of Time. Yes, in your limited perception, the Iowa Caucuses have yet to occur, but to those possessed of our celestial insight, George W. Bush has already won re-election. He won it in November, he won it lasy year, and he won it when the infinitesimal singularity which you in your finite cognizance call "the universe" had not yet exploded into the myriad dimensions of the Big Bang. Even though you will not believe us when we tell you that George W. Bush has already swept all 50 states, the District of Columbia, and the Moon, nevertheless it is so. Ripples of cosmic awareness have penetrated your world via the grand oracles you know as "cable news" and "the Wall Street Journal," enough so that even beings as unenlightened as yourselves should be able to comprehend your fate. For example: behold this picture of Howard Dean on the cover of Newsweek. Just look at that ominous forehead. If that doesn't foretell impending doom, the Medium Lobster doesn't know what would. So on election day, take the advice of all of those wiser than you - and give up. Because there will be another four more years of George W. Bush. Hell - another twelve years, why not? There's no stopping it. Because we say so.
posted by Medium Lobster at 4:26 PM
The Case for Me
On Friday Fafnir endorsed Howard Dean for the Democratic nomination, the Presidency, and the Moon Papacy, on grounds of Dean's record as a strong fiscal conservative and ninja-fighter. Well good for you Fafnir. Aren't you special. Haven't you done a wonderful thing now for Howard Dean. It is just too bad that Howard Dean will be a TERRIBLE, WRETCHED, NON-ME President whom everyone will hate and despise, nearly as much as all of the other ones, like Nixon and Kennedy and Lincoln. There is only one candidate running for President with the experience and the leadership skills and the me-ness to lead this country to its destiny: and that candidate is me. Bow to Giblets! Bow to Giblets now! Only Giblets has the policy initiatives which will make America work again, such as the "Bow to Giblets Act" and the "Subservient America Act." And only Giblets can cut through the bureacratic red tape of Insider Washington Politics to get things done. If Congress opposes Giblets he will merely conquer them and command them to do his bidding. This is constitutional because he is Giblets. There is a special Giblets amendment providing for this. Only Giblets is electable. In head-to-head matchups of Democratic contenders versus George Bush*, 100% of polled respondents indicated that the Democratic challengers were "fools," "insolent," "weak-willed," and "not-Giblets." All respondents indicated that confronted with Bush vs. an unnamed Democrat, they would be more likely to "make angry screeching monkey noises and throw things - big pointed things!" at both candidates rather than vote for them. However, in head-to-head matchups of Giblets vs. anyone, "anyone" is described as "stupid and pointless and not-Giblets," and Giblets is described as "magnificent and worthy and powerful and most importantly Giblets." Do not squander your votes Democrats! Nominate the electable choice which is me, Giblets! Finally, Giblets is the only candidate running for President who has already declared himself your lord and master and as such commands your vote. YOU MUST VOTE FOR GIBLETS. Vote for me, America! Vote for Giblets NOW! *This poll not conducted by Giblets. It is a Zogby poll. You believe me! Believe Giblets now!
posted by Giblets at 9:05 AM
Friday, January 9, 2004
Today is a big day my friends. A big day for the country. A big day for the world. A big day for the universe. "Why, Fafnir, why?" you cry because you cannot stand it any longer. Because Fafblog is about to officially endorse who should be the next Democratic Presidential nominee, and President, and High Lord and Moon Pope.
Now there are many things one must take into consideration when decidin who is the best candidate. Who is ahead? Who is behind? Who has vision? Who has momentum? Who does not? Who is "energizing the base"? Who appeared briefly in a 1980s era ninja feature? The answer to all of these answers my friends is Howard Dean. As covered by Fear Itself, Salon, and frequent Daily Kos poster and mohawk-bearing thespian Mr. T, Dr Dean apparently took a break from his medical practice in Vermont in 1984 to film a cameo as a helicopter pilot in "Ninja III: The Domination." "He took a break - to break some heads," Giblets says. "Ninja heads," I says. We need a new kind of president - a president who can dispatch the problems which plague our country today like so many attacking ninjas. Can Dick Gephardt break a block of cement in half with his head? I do not think so. Could John Kerry decapitate a squad of katana-wielding shadow-warriors using only his bare hands? Hardly. And if so, how could he as president confront the katana-wielding shadow-warriors of mounting national debt, rising health care costs, the war on Iraq and the specter of international terrorism? Not well that is how. That is why Fafblog stands proud in its endorsement of Howard Dean, and that is why Dr Dean will go on to win the nomination, and the Presidency.* Isn't that right, God? "It sure is, Fafnir," says God, who is at our Dean House Party. "I predict he will win in a 'blow-out.' Man these are good brownies." *Dr Dean I expect to be made Attorney General for this career-making endorsement. And Giblets wants the Defense Department. "Not the cabinet position, just the department," he says. "I got a bunch of stuff I gotta put someplace."
posted by fafnir at 2:14 PM
Thursday, January 8, 2004
I have returned from bein "on hiatus" to find not just mad cows and suspicious aliens gestating in the President's chest but intense and unnatural gloominess at home and abroad. Away with you gloominess! It is your nemesis Fafnir, and I am here to vanquish you!
Take Chris. Chris has been sittin around, doin nothin. "Whatcha doin Chris,' I says. "Eh" says Chris. "You wanna eat chicken?" I says. "Eh" says Chris. "Come on Chris! You know you want the delicious chicken!" I says. "Chicken is bad for me, I will just have this orange," says Chris. And he means it, he just eats an orange. Chris is being dull and full of moping and no fun at all. He says he is "experiencing life issues." I just keep tellin him all he needs is to do is impregnante a female and dig a burrow for her and her litter but Chris never takes my advice. Still it is not just Chris even though most things are. Gloom is growing on an epidemic scale. Just look at it.    This is wrong and bad and I Fafnir am going to put a stop to it starting right now! With you, sad person reading this! Fafnir is coming to kick your ass until you are happy again! The threat of vicious beatings will make you happy! Until then here is Joe Lieberman again. Look how sad he looks! It is all your fault! You are making him so sad with your sadness! Think about that!
posted by fafnir at 1:14 PM
Well I just got back from being On Holiday, where I was hidin from evildoers in my undisclosed location*, and when I come back EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT AND CHANGED! What gives! All kinds of stuff happened while Faf was away!
- MAD COWS. American cows have gone mad. This makes me upset and sad - some of my best friends are American cows. Are they okay? Are they alright? Why haven't they responded to my worried emails? Ordinarily cows in the news is a time of joy and laughter, like the annual Gay Cow Parade or the time Ronald Reagan appointed a cow as his Labor Secretary. But this is a time of great sadness and laughter. Such is the tragicomedy of cows. - SUCKS TO BE MUSHARRAF. Pakistani military dictator Pervez Musharraf who as regular Fafblog readers know is my favorite Pakistani military dictator ever - check out my Musharraf fansites, "Whassup, Musharraf!" and "Pervez n Pals" - was almost killed by hardline Islamic militants! Twice! Bad hardline Islamic militants! Bad, bad hardline Islamic militants! At least Musharraf got em back by agreeing to give up control of the military in a deal said to benefit hardline Islamic militants. Wait! Oh those rascally hardline Islamic militants! Grrrrr! - NEW SPECIAL PROSECUTOR- Attorney General John Ashcroft has got hisself a special prosecutor for the Valerie Plame CIA Leak Scandal Thing. How could you Attorney General John Ashcroft! That was my job! I thought we were friends! I bought you ice cream! My feelins are hurt. - ILLEGAL ALIENS: President Bush has proposed a new plan which will allow illegal aliens to live in the US in giant work factories. "Aliens are vital to America and the American economy and culture," said the President. "They build our spaceships and our death lasers. They probe our anuses and cross fertilize us with their larvae. We welcome them to our teeming shore." Then a tentacled green insectoid burst from his chest and fired its energy projectiles into the press corps. - POPE VS ANTIPOPE. The Pope's battle with his evil antimatter counterpart the Antipope has reached a spectacular climax in which both Popes have been stranded in a distant dimension locked in an eternal struggle until the end of time. All of us cry for the Pope - but we will remember forever his great sacrifice to save the universe. So much has happened since I have been away! How will I ever catch up! *a bag with a lock on it in Florida Ooo! Stupid footnote! Blowin the cover on my undisclosed location! I'm never speakin to you again!** **awww, footnote, I don't really mean it. I can't stay mad at you.
posted by fafnir at 9:31 AM
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Christmas is a fool!
I have been shopping for Christmas, and I have been to the mall, and I have partaken of Christmas cheer, and Giblets has this to say: THEY ARE ALL FOR FOOLS! They have failed to please Giblets! I will now enumerate ways in which I failed to be pleased by these things! Then I will invite you to agree with me - WHICH YOU WILL! ITEM THE FIRST: The stores in this so-called "mall" demanded that I pay lucre to them in exchange for their filthy goods! I, Giblets, who own all their goods by right of being Giblets! The mall was claimed by Giblets in the name of Giblets some time ago! You belong to me, mall! Your lucre and goods belong to me! Insolent mall! Who needs your filthy goods anyway they are FILTHY! ITEM THE SECOND: The so-called "Sanda Claws," godling of the mall and Christmas, did not pay proper tribute to Giblets! He instead gave me a pathetic striped confection which was hard and not tasty, when he and his midget slave minions had access to a veritable mountain of shiny boxes and plastic reindeer with which they could present me. The outrage! And might I add that he was not, as his name would imply, a mighty panda of the desert sands, armed with furious claws. Instead he was a woefully unimpressive fat man with a fake beard! Giblets demands better! ITEM THE THIRD: Ugly babies. There are so many of them! Why? ITEM THE FOURTH: I was encouraged by those with me - WHO WILL NOT BE NAMED, for they are being punished by being stricken from the discourse of Giblets - to purchase gifts for others, which would have used up what precious little coin I have and would have defeated the purpose of having a holiday wherein peope give presents (to Giblets). What is wrong with people in this world, when presents are given that are not for Giblets? Are we lost as a people? I do not understand. ITEM THE FIFTH: Giblets's egg nog was drunken, by others who are not Giblets! Giblets needs egg nog! He will not settle for second-rate classes of nog, such as cheese nog and fish nog! A pox on the drinker of my nog! Insolent Christmas. You are for fools!
posted by Giblets at 3:00 PM
Monday, December 22, 2003
Blogger has been givin us problems. Stupid Blogger, let Fafblog post! Let us breathe and be free! We want to be free Blogger! Cant you let us be free!
Blogger is an evil tyrant, like Saddam Hussein, who is STILL CAPTURED (Day 9, Condition Puce). An evil, mixed-up, crazy tyrant. And yet I love it too because I need it. It's like that song by Frank Sinatra where he's singin about women, about how they're kinda evil and they're kinda crazy and all their loony-jazzy-jow-wow-wow, but he likes em cause of their fantastical breasts. Blogger is a lot like that for me. Come back to me Blogger baby. Come back and Fafnir will sing your song.
posted by fafnir at 11:23 AM
Sunday, December 21, 2003
So yesterday me and Giblets and the Voice were playin a game of "Cheese or Weevil?" when someone brought up the question of robot rights.
"Robots need rights," I said. "For if we deny rights to robots, who are like our own children, do we not deny them also to Batman, who is also like our own children?" "Robots don't need rights," says Giblets, "and robots need to get off my land. It's my land! It's Giblets's land! I call 'Cheese.'" "Look at me," said the Voice. "I am a deliiiiicious rhinocerous." "No you're not, the Voice, you're the Voice," I says. "And if robots are not given the right to vote, and live on their ancestral homeland, what is to prevent us from doing the same to Indians, or leprechauns? I challenge your 'Cheese' as a 'Weevil.'" "Giblets's land is Giblets's land," says Giblets. "It was given to Giblets long ago, by Giblets. In the holy Book of Giblets. Robots don't belong there no matter how long they've lived there, it's Giblets's! Plus let us remember the Robot Terror Wars. I raise to 'Double Cheese' on your 'Weevil' challenge." "I could be a deliiiiiiicious rhinocerous if I wanted to be," says the Voice. "No you couldn't the Voice you're the Voice," I said, "and I have always been skeptical of the divine origins of the Book of Giblets. And remember the robots didn't start the Terror Wars, most of that was the Space Clones and Extermino the Living Plague That Lives. I will 'Counter-Weevil' and call 'Cheese or Weevil?'" "My mom says I can be aaaaanything I wanna be," says the Voice. "You pro-Robot people always bring up Extermino the Living Plague That Lives!" said Giblets. "The book of Giblets is right and holy and all will bow to it! Bow to the book of Giblets! I reveal 'Cheese.'" "Awww," I says, "I have 'Weevil.'" "Haha!" says Giblets. "Victory is mine! And your mother never said that, the Voice. You don't have a mother! You are just a Voice!" "Awww," says the Voice, "you don love me cause I'm the Voice." "That's not true the Voice," I said. "We all love you. Look how much love we have! So much love and weevils!" "We don't love you," says Giblets. "You are awful and bad." "Not true," I says. "And to make all this up to everyone, I declare a Soupmas! Everyone, let us have delicious soup!" "We have no soup," said Giblets. "Awww," says the Voice. "No soup for Soupmas?" I says. "Awww." "Awww," says the Voice. "Still victory!" says Giblets. "Awww," says me and the Voice, thinkin about soup. "Awww," says Giblets, later, when he's lookin for soup. There is definitely a moral to this story and when I remember it I will tell it to everyone.
posted by fafnir at 8:07 PM
The Department of Homeland Security has put us at Orange Alert. Hooray!
 Now a lot of you are wonderin "Fafnir I was just gettin fine and cozy at Yellow Alert and now there's this Orange Alert to deal with? I can't handle it man it's too much for me!" Whoa there friend! Slow down all your crazy! Fafnir will explain the top three terror alert codes for you (You will not have to ever worry about the bottom terror alert codes, "Blue," "Green" and "Mello Yello." They are too peaceful and delicious to appear in these troubled times we live in). All of these have been taken from the Department of Homeland Security website. YELLOW ALERT (high) ORANGE ALERT (elevated) RED ALERT (woogy) Now I hope we understand a little bit more about Orange Alerts and how to cope with them. See? They're not so bad! I'm off to deploy Rover. Number 6 must not escape! 
posted by fafnir at 3:14 PM
Saturday, December 20, 2003
I would like to say right out that some of my best friends are penguins. And some of the best penguins according to Salon.com are gay penguins.
Salon's Suzy Hansen has told the heart-string-strumming story of Wendell and Cass, two Coney Island penguins who love each other very much. Wendell and Cass are also gay. But they're penguins! Everyone loves penguins, they're so cute! And yet Jerry Falwell has this to say about them, in reference to 9/11: "I really believe that the [gay penguins] who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle... all of them who have tried to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this happen.' " Is it any wonder that God was later quoted in a Reuters piece as saying "That Jerry Falwell, he's a total dick." But these two loving little penguins, who hop and make little squeaking noises and look adorably as if they are dressed in tuxedos, might forever be banned from expressing their love in matrimony - by the President of the United States, who said last week that "we may need a constitutional amendment" to prevent gays such as Wendell and Cass from marrying under recent court decisions. "Also, might I add that I hate adorable little gay penguins," added the President. "And small children everywhere." For shame, the President. And to think I once gave you ice cream and brownies. As for Wendell and Cass, Fafblog salutes you both, and wishes you many more years of happiness, and hopes that gay penguins everywhere can find love and acceptance free from prejudice. Thanks to Obsidian Wings for this story. Thank you Obsidian Wings!
posted by fafnir at 1:05 PM
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
Condition: Mustard
We have run out of mustard. How am I gonna eat these hot dogs? I have so many hot dogs to eat. You just cant eat hot dogs without mustard, it's not right. I have asked Giblets about my mustard. "Giblets doesn't care about your mustard," says Giblets. Giblets has become cold and uncaring. His newfound power over Civilization 3 has corrupted him. I have asked Chris about my mustard. "No dice," says Chris. Enough of your gambling addiction Chris! I need my mustard! I have written The Medium Lobster about my mustard. "The mustard is still there," says the Medium Lobster. "But you fail to see it - with your sadly linear perception." Lousy Medium Lobster. Can you help me get my mustard? I prefer French's Classic Yellow. Please get some and mail it to Fafnir at The Freedom Fortress at Providence, RI. You can't miss it - it is a fortress of freedom. Oh - and Saddam Hussein is still captured. But what about Santa Claus? It is gettin frighteningly close to Christmas and he still roams free!
posted by fafnir at 11:07 AM
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Condition: Purple
This is an important alert to let you know that SADDAM HUSSEIN HAS STILL BEEN CAPTURED. By us. And by "us" I mean "US soldiers who are not us." Hooray for us! Again: SADDAM HUSSEIN: STILL CAPTURED THREE DAYS AGO. Fafblog can now officially dispel the rumors that Saddam Hussein has cleverly caused his capture to never have happened. Sneaky Saddam Hussein! Now let's go to the World Reaction to the capture. With me, I have Giblets. FAFBLOG: Hey, Giblets. How's it goin? GIBLETS: I am eating peanuts. FB: Are they salted or unsalted? GB: They are honey-roasted. Honey-roasted and OBEDIENT! BOW TO GIBLETS, PEANUTS! BOOOOOOW TO GIBLETS! FB: Whatcha watchin? GB: Cartoons. FB: You're not watchin world reaction to the capture of Saddam Hussein? GB: Saddam Hussein this! Saddam despot that! War in Iraq bores me! What has war in Iraq done for me today that cartoons do not do for me now? FB: Wow - that's a dancing hot dog! GB: Yes - yes it is. Dance, hot dog! Dance! FB: I want some peanuts. GB: Get your own. Fafblog will continue to update you on this story as it develops.
posted by fafnir at 10:34 AM
Monday, December 15, 2003
Condition: Yellow
This is an important Fafblog alert to let you our readers know that we have STILL CAPTURED SADDAM HUSSEIN. He was captured yesterday near his hometown of Tikrit in a hole. Also captured on that day were Tyranny and Brutality. Tyranny asked for its lawyers and said "You goin down pigs! I'm not sayin nothin till I get a lawyer! I know my rights!" Brutality refused to comment. Again, an update to let you know that Saddam Hussein has still been captured yesterday. We will have exclusive interviews tomorrow with Giblets to get reactions from Giblets on the capture of Saddam Hussein. To keep you updated on the capture of Saddam Hussein.
posted by fafnir at 12:01 PM
Sunday, December 14, 2003
Now if only they would go after the American one. And if only the media would stop confusin him with Saddam Hussein, who looks nothin like him at all. What is wrong with you Saddam Hussein! Why are you sitting in that hole in the ground! Why are you taking the joy out of Christmas! What did Christmas ever do to you!
posted by fafnir at 1:09 PM
There's been much talk of Democratic Presidential candidate Howard Dean, especially since he won the endorsement of Al Gore last week. Is Dean an electable candidate, a suitable challenger to George W. Bush, or will his darkly radical agenda ensure that his nomination will plunge the Democratic Party into a stygian abyss from which they may never recover?
So much speculation - so few answers. For those speculating are merely human, with merely human perception. But not so for... the Medium Lobster, whose range of awareness stretches far beyond the reaches of what you call "the infinite." Come with me, and partake in but a fraction of the vast transtemporal knowledge that lies outside your understanding, as we gaze through the Lobsterscope into the potential future of... ...NOMINEE DEAN! While Dean's radical positions on gun control, balanced budgets, and school lunch programs have already marked him as the bleeding edge of the lunatic fringe, it will not be until he seizes the nomination that his madness is truly revealed. Dean's policy stances and statements will increasingly reveal a disturbing streak of extremism - one that pushes a terrified America away from him into the waiting arms of the Republicans. Dean's new universal health care plan is met with universal horror when he reveals his intentions to nationalize America's drug industry and draft all doctors into a "Red Corps" of medics forced to provide free health care to all Americans. How does the "fiscal conservative" plan to pay for it all? By legalizing heroin - and peddling the drug on the streets as a state-controlled narcotic! When asked how he would overcome resistance to such a radical proposal, Dean replies, "My opponents blood will pave the way for the permanent revolution." Dean's position on gay marriage makes the candidate even more contentious, as, when asked about his stance, the chosen face of the Democratic Party responds by staring deeply into a live CNN camera and saying, "As President, I will not rest until every man, women, and child in America is gay. Every single one." In the Bush-Dean debates, Dean manages to outdo previous debate disasters Nixon and Dukakis when he lets slip yet another fatal gaffe: when asked what he would have done as President in the days following September 11th, Dean replies, "Surrender to the terrorists, hand over Israel to the Taliban, and enact the forcible conversion of all Americans to the one true religion of Islam, for there is no God but Allah, and Mohammed is his prophet." The Republican landslide in 2004 is so devastating that the Republicans win every seat in contention in the House and the Senate, rendering the Democrats utterly powerless. The GOP, meanwhile, becomes so strongly entrenched that they confidently run as their candidate in 2008 a bizarre genetic chimera of Joseph McCarthy, Ronald Reagan, and Adolph Hitler, under the campaign slogan, "The McCarthy/Reagan/Hitler Chimera: He's No Liberal!" The Democrats, forced to run the delicately-preserved corpse of Robert Byrd, are crushed, and officially disband as a party in 2010, leaving the American Nazi Party to present itself as the only serious second-party challenger to the Republican stronghold. Looking on sadly, the prescient few who warned of the Dean Disaster - well-meaning crypto-liberals such as William Safire and Karl Rove - brush away tears and ask themselves, "What would have happened if the party had nominated someone strong? Someone who could have made a challenge, and provided real leadership for America and the Democratic Party - someone like Joseph Lieberman? Would the poll taxes not have returned then? Would we have avoided the Patriotic Scouring? Would the world - dare we dream - be a better place?" Ah, but the hour grows late, I fear, and those are stories for another time.
posted by Medium Lobster at 11:59 AM
|
|
for your
listening pleasure 
The Apples In Stereo New Magnetic Wonder 
Magnetic Fields Distortion 
Celebration The Modern Tribe 
Man or Astro-Man? EEVIAC
for your
viewing enjoyment
for your
reading edification 
The World Without Us 
The Iron Wall: Israel and the Arab World 
I Shall Destroy All the Civilized Planets 
Invisible Cities 
|
