Sunday, December 21, 2003

The Department of Homeland Security has put us at Orange Alert. Hooray!



Now a lot of you are wonderin "Fafnir I was just gettin fine and cozy at Yellow Alert and now there's this Orange Alert to deal with? I can't handle it man it's too much for me!" Whoa there friend! Slow down all your crazy! Fafnir will explain the top three terror alert codes for you (You will not have to ever worry about the bottom terror alert codes, "Blue," "Green" and "Mello Yello." They are too peaceful and delicious to appear in these troubled times we live in).

All of these have been taken from the Department of Homeland Security website.

YELLOW ALERT (high)
  • If you see a suspicious individual around a home or public facility, ask him if he is a terrorist. If he replies "Yes," report him to the FBI.
  • Unsafe countries: The Middle East, Asia, "Bad" terrorist countries
  • Safe countries: North America, Europe, "Good" terrorist countries
  • Number 6 leaving perimeter; elevate Village security
  • Santa Condition: Fat

    ORANGE ALERT (elevated)
  • If you see a suspicious individual around a home or public facility, ask him if he is a terrorist. If he replies "Yes," report him to the FBI. If he replies "No," shoot him.
  • Unsafe countries: The Eastern Hemisphere, the Spicy Lands, anything with a "q" in it
  • Safe countries: United States, Wales, Novia Scotia, McDonaldland
  • Number 6 has escaped the perimeter; deploy Rover
  • Santa Condition: Rosy

    RED ALERT (woogy)
  • If you see anyone you don't recognize walking, driving, or breathing out of doors, sieze them, beat them, and take them to the village elder, who will perform The Test.
  • Unsafe countries: All homes to belonging to Outsiders, for There be Dragons.
  • Safe countries: Montana
  • Number 6 has escaped! Evacuate! Evacuate! Evacuate!
  • Santa Condition: Dangerously Jolly - deploy Counter-Santa Strike Force immediately

    Now I hope we understand a little bit more about Orange Alerts and how to cope with them. See? They're not so bad! I'm off to deploy Rover. Number 6 must not escape!

  • posted by fafnir at 3:14 PM




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