Wednesday, September 24, 2003

So a coupla days ago I got my check in the mail from the President for six thousand billion dollars for research and development of altenative energy farcels and I was all "Yeah!" but when I went to go get the check cashed, the bank said it bounced.

"Bad bank! Bad, bad bank!" I said. Giblets said it went to show we shoulda robbed it. I figured there had to be a mistake to I sent another letter off to the President:
Dear Pres. Bush,

How's things? Things are fine. Remember those six hundred thousand billion dollars you sent me? Well it turns out you didn't. Huh! Now I know the government runs outta money every now and then so if you need some time to get your cable bill paid or your rent check in on time I'll understand, and you can send me the six hundred thousand dollars next month.

Enclosed is another package of those delicious salsa brownies.

Love Fafnir.
The next day I received this telegram. I had never received a telegram before! Telegrams are cool!
FROM: THE OFFICE OF THE VICE PRESIDENT
1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVE.
WASHINGTON, DC 20500
TO: FAFNIR
THE INEFFABLE FAFNESS OF STUFF FOUNDATION
LARGE HAT, RA 91270

YOUR REQUEST FOR GRANT OF SIX HUNDRED TRILLION DOLLARS HAS BEEN DENIED DUE TO BUDGETARY CONSTRAINTS, MORE FEASIBLE RIVAL ENERGY PLAN - DO NOT SEND MORE BROWNIES
I was SO EXCITED about the telegram that it was a whole day before I realized it was bad. "Phooey," I said. "Let's eat him," said Giblets. "Bad Giblets," I said to Giblets. "And bad Vice President," I said to the telegram. But it was the vice president I needed to convince of the inclined farcel, not the telegram. But how to do it? I would have to speak in his language. The language of Telegram.
FROM: FAFNIR
THE INSTITUTE OF ADVANCED FAFNETICS
LARGE HAT, RA 91270
THE OFFICE OF THE VICE PRESIDENT
1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVE.
WASHINGTON, DC 20500

URGENT MESSAGE FOLLOWS - CURRENT ENERGY PLAN SUCKS - MUST ADOPT INCLINED FARCEL - RADICAL BRILLIANCE OF FARCEL ONLY PATH TO SALVATION FOR RAVAGED NATION - SEND MONEY TO FAFNIR NOW - THIS TELEGRAM SMART - HAVE ENCLOSED DELICIOUS SALSA BROWNIES
Scott McClellan
White House Press Office
1600 Pennsylvania Ave, basement
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Mr. Fafnir,

One of the most exciting things about working in the White House is getting to see and hear from the thrilling and invigorating citizens who want to participate in our great democracy! And so we're all thrilled to hear how interested you are, Mr. Fafnir, in President Bush's new energy initiative, the Pure Energy Act.

Finding new, clean sources of energy and eliminating our nation's dependence on foreign oil is a top priority for the President. That's why he's committing the Act's six hundred trillion dollars to explore new horizons by drilling for coal, oil, and plutonium in the Grand Canyon and in the skulls of endangered species living in Yellowstone National Park.

We hope you're as excited about what the President is doing for America, and that you can show your appreciation by donating to BUSH/CHENEY 2004! Remember that a donation of $1000 or greater makes you a Ranger, a $5000-level donation makes you a Pioneer, and a $10,000 donation makes you an extra-special Bushkateer!

Sincerely yours,
Scott McClellan
I have not yet decided whether or not I want to be a Bushkateer. Is it worth it just for the complimentary President Bush vs The Rodeo Of Death comic book? I dunno. But I had the sinking feeling that the inclined farcel was not bein appreciated by the present administration.

"They gave us the money!" says Giblets. "Now they take it back. Indian givers!" "Please Giblets!" I say. "That is an offensive term of speech. They are first american givers." "But either way they won't give money to us," says Giblets. "Maybe," says me, being very very VERY smart, "but THAT means they would give money to people who are NOT us."
FROM: ENERGY SECRETARY SPENCER ABRAHAM
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY
1000 INDEPENDENCE AVE.
WASHINGTON, DC 20585
TO: THE OFFICE OF THE VICE PRESIDENT
1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVE.
WASHINGTON, DC 20500

URGENT - ENERGY BREAKTHROUGH DISCOVERED BY GENIUS SUPER MONKEYS - MUST GET MONEY FOR NEW ENERGY PROJECT - NEED SIX HUNDRED THOUSAND BILLION DOLLARS - BOLD NEW FUTURE - THIS IS NOT FAFNIR THIS IS SPENCER ABRAHAM - I HAVE GENIUS MONKEYS - DO NOT SCREW WITH THEM - HAVE ENCLOSED DELICIOUS SALSA BROWNIES
Alberto Gonzales
Office of the White House Counsel
1600 Pennsylvania Ave, 1st floor
Washington, DC 20500

Mr. Fafnir:

It is my duty to inform you that if you do not remove yourself from our Energy Department immediately the United States government will be forced to take legal action. Also, my staff and I concur that any further pastry dispatches could be reasonably construed as assault in a court of law.

Alberto Gonzales, esq.
White House Counsel
And there you have it. No money from President Bush for the inclined farcel. No money for helping Fafnir help the world and humanity with the greatest thing ever invented ever. And after he promised.

Well y'know what Mr. President I say screw you. I say fooey. I say you suck. I say I don't need a President to make my farcels cause I'm gonna make it on my own. So there. Who needs you anyway. You have broken your promise and broken my heart. The heart of Fafnir. For shame Mr. President. For shame.

Just see if I send you any more of my delicious salsa brownies. Which we both know you like.
posted by fafnir at 5:18 PM
Monday, September 22, 2003

Since returning from my months of long exile I have been long thinkin about my work on the Inclined Farcel, which as many of you of course know is the greatest and most incredible invention ever developed in the history of stuff. The farcel when properly implemented will provide trillions of years of infinite energy and by able to envelope all countries in a protective dome which will make all weapons cease working while emitting a sweetly pleasant odor not unplike a freshly baked apple pie.

But like all great inventions the inclined farcel must be properly researched and developed and research and development requires money. Me and Giblets spent this afternoon goin around and sellin cookies to raise funds. We made five and a half dollars but in the end got tired and ate most of the cookies so this is lookin like we need a better way. So Giblets says "Lets rob a bank!" and I says "No Giblets that's very bad of you," then I start thinking, what about the Government? And Giblets says "Yes much better, let's rob the Government, it has a lot more money than the bank" and I said he still didn't get it but after a couple hours of arguing and hitting we got to work.
Dear President Bush,

Hey there President Bush! It's me Fafnir. How're you? I'm fine. I have invented the greatest and most fantastical invention in the world which will supply infinite energy to all the people in the world and solve forever our burgeoning energy crisis. Enclosed is a picture. Impressive yes. However I need more funds for this vitally important endeavor and I was hopin I could get some from you the Government.

My colleague and I estimate that we would require a conservative six hundred thousand billion dollars for research an development. If you could pass that along that'd be great and we appreciate it alot thanks.

Enclosed is a package of those delicious salsa brownies you like.

Love Fafnir.
We mailed it right away superfast airmail using Chris's credit card (Chris was asleep and groaning after work, we poked him with a stick a few times an yelled "CHRIS! Hey Chris! CHRIS! Usin your credit card! CHRIS!" so it's OK) and we got this email back:
To: fafnir@fluble.com
From: hotprez31@whitehouse.gov

hey fafnir! man you rock. them salsa brownies were delicious man. keep on with that thing you do.

haven't talked to the boys about it yet but what's six hundred thousand billion dollars between friends? cahsier's check ok for you dude? anythin for the fafman!

peace,
W
Hooray! What enlightened times we live in to have such an enlightened leader leading us. To enlightenment. I feel a big bag of hope comin on now.
posted by fafnir at 9:33 PM

So last night we were talkin about time travel and whether it was real or what, and we decided to see. And Giblets said "No it's not real" and I said "No no it's real" and Chris was fallin asleep on and off and when he sleeps he sorta talks and snores at the same time so its like "Thank you Mister PresidenchnnnnchnNTHHH" and we figured Ethan could settle it.

So when we built the time machine it was Ethan who came back from the Future. The Future is a straaaaaange and wondrous place. Here is the Fafblog exlusive interview with Ethan From the Future.

FAFBLOG: Wow! You're from the Future!
ETHAN FROM THE FUTURE: Yep. I'm from ten minutes into the future.
FB: Wow! What's it like in the World of the Future?
EFTF: Ten minutes into the future, everything is electric. Electric cars, electric toasters, electric soap, electric bread - even the air we breathe is powered by electricity.
FB: It must be a lot faster then.
EFTF: And more efficient. The air is more efficient.
FB: I wish I could live in this mysterious electric age.
EFTF: Except for television. Television is powered by steam - because of the Great Iron Wars.
FB: OOOOO! What were THOSE?
EFTF: I can't tell you - it'd be against the ten-minute time traveler's code.
FB: Awwwww. Do you have robots?
EFTF: Not yet - but we're working on them. Also - everything is digital. EVERYTHING.
FB: That's great. I was tired of the other thing.
EFTF: In the present, everything is in base four. Two minutes into the future, it's base six. Six minutes into the future, it's base eight. It's not until ten minutes into the future that everything is digital.
FB: Oh, I want to see MORE of the future! Back into the time machine with you!
(Ethan From The Future enters the time machine. Ethan From Further Into the Future exits.)
ETHAN FROM FURTHER INTO THE FUTURE: I'm Ethan from twenty minutes into the future.
FB: Wow! Tell me more about your world!
EFFITF: Much has changed since the placid days of ten minutes into the future. In my era, the world is an Orwellian police state ruled by an enormous gelatinous blob made entirely of genetically-modified foodstuffs and the Internet.
FB: Oh no! What has science done!
EFFITF: Also, the digital age has ended. Now, everything is in base-forty-six. So, everyone had better grow another thirty-six fingers.
FB: Can anything be done to stop this nightmarish future?
EFFITF: No. It is Destiny.
FB: Aw, man. Did you ever build robots?
EFFITF: Yes, back around thirteen minutes into the future. But sadly, though they were beautiful and dazzling and skilled beyond words, they yearned for the emotions that their creators possessed that they could never have, and feeling eternally incomplete, they perished sixteen minutes into the future of the one true emotion they ever felt: despair.
FB: Oh, I well with pathos for the robots! Are there flying cars?
EFFITF: No. The feeling of freedom such vehicles would bring would be anathema to the enormous gelatinous blob.
FB: I fear the world of the blob. Will humanity rise up against it?
EFFITF: Maybe. But who knows how long THAT would take...

Thank you, Ethan From The Future! Take care, Ethan From Further Into The Future! You have inspired us all with the wonders and horrors of... THE FUUUUUUTURE!
posted by fafnir at 10:58 AM

I am back and I am big and I am Fafnir hooraaaaaay!

I have been gettin a lot of email askin' me "where are you Fafnir" and "how come you're gone so long Fafnir" and "Fafnir come back to us we are lonely because you are not here with your constant bloggin and talkin! Come back come back come back Fafnir!"

Well I am back now and I am rested and ready and I am big. To quote from the classical literary masterwork Pat the Bunny, "How big is bunny? Sooooo big!"

So I hear you asking, "where were you then Fafnir while all of us were going crazy with the lack of Fafnir then? why did you put us through this Fafnirless agony?" That is a very good question and a very long story and I will tell you it right now.

You see some months ago I was walkin along with Chris and Giblets and a big car pulls up and this voice says "Hey there lil Fafnir know what you need? Is a trip to a nice relaxing medical spa to recuperate from your long months and such of working and toiling for Chris and the Universe." And I was thinkin "Maybe that'd be a good idea" and Chris says "that'd be a GREAT idea Fafnir you should go right NOW NOW NOW" and he sends me off with this strange person who it turns out is made of tentacles and large bugs.

Well the spa was kinda relaxing but I don't know how recuperative it was because the guy made out of tentacles and bugs and maybe a pyramid with an eyeball in it had me and a bunch of other Fafnirs all sewing shoes in a sweatshop. "Make more shoes," the man made of tentacles and bugs and a pyramid with an eye in it and Donald Rumsfeld said. "Nike needs five thousand of these by midnight! Mush, Fafnirs! Mush!"

So I wasn't all that sure of the effectiveness of the program endorsed by the guy made of tentacles and bugs and a pyramid with an eye and Donald Rumsfeld and tumors, so I snuck out at night and started headin home, but I wasn't sure which way was home, and I hitched rides across the country in a Long and Winding Journey of Self-Discovery and For the True Meaning of America Too.

And then I came back and Chris was all "Fafnir! Fafnir! where have you been I am so sorry I sent you off to that horrible man made of tentacles and bugs and a pyramid with an eyeball in it and Donald Rumsfeld and tumors and Kevin Smith movies!" and I said "It's ok Chris I forgive you, now let's all eat some pie!" and we did. And Giblets hadn't updated my blog all summer even though he said he was gonna so he has to make up for it by guest-blogging from now on.

I gotta lot of work to do now that I'm back, like getting the President to pass legislation to put money into Inclined Farcel research (I suspect the Big Energy Lobby is holding it back) and like interviewing all the Presidential candidates and saving all bananas. But I will do it because I am Fafnir and I can do that stuff.

Chris says I have to help him with his new website too. Fooey. I'm gonna help with the bananas first.

I am so glad to be back, hooray!
posted by fafnir at 9:43 AM
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