So a coupla days ago I got my check in the mail from the President for six thousand billion dollars for research and development of altenative energy farcels and I was all "Yeah!" but when I went to go get the check cashed, the bank said it bounced.
"Bad bank! Bad, bad bank!" I said. Giblets said it went to show we shoulda robbed it. I figured there had to be a mistake to I sent another letter off to the President:
Dear Pres. Bush,
How's things? Things are fine. Remember those six hundred thousand billion dollars you sent me? Well it turns out you didn't. Huh! Now I know the government runs outta money every now and then so if you need some time to get your cable bill paid or your rent check in on time I'll understand, and you can send me the six hundred thousand dollars next month.
Enclosed is another package of those delicious salsa brownies.
Love Fafnir.
The next day I received this telegram. I had never received a telegram before! Telegrams are cool!
FROM: THE OFFICE OF THE VICE PRESIDENT
1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVE.
WASHINGTON, DC 20500
TO: FAFNIR
THE INEFFABLE FAFNESS OF STUFF FOUNDATION
LARGE HAT, RA 91270
YOUR REQUEST FOR GRANT OF SIX HUNDRED TRILLION DOLLARS HAS BEEN DENIED DUE TO BUDGETARY CONSTRAINTS, MORE FEASIBLE RIVAL ENERGY PLAN - DO NOT SEND MORE BROWNIES
I was SO EXCITED about the telegram that it was a whole day before I realized it was bad. "Phooey," I said. "Let's eat him," said Giblets. "Bad Giblets," I said to Giblets. "And bad Vice President," I said to the telegram. But it was the vice president I needed to convince of the inclined farcel, not the telegram. But how to do it? I would have to speak in his language. The language of Telegram.
FROM: FAFNIR
THE INSTITUTE OF ADVANCED FAFNETICS
LARGE HAT, RA 91270
THE OFFICE OF THE VICE PRESIDENT
1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVE.
WASHINGTON, DC 20500
URGENT MESSAGE FOLLOWS - CURRENT ENERGY PLAN SUCKS - MUST ADOPT INCLINED FARCEL - RADICAL BRILLIANCE OF FARCEL ONLY PATH TO SALVATION FOR RAVAGED NATION - SEND MONEY TO FAFNIR NOW - THIS TELEGRAM SMART - HAVE ENCLOSED DELICIOUS SALSA BROWNIES
Scott McClellan
White House Press Office
1600 Pennsylvania Ave, basement
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. Fafnir,
One of the most exciting things about working in the White House is getting to see and hear from the thrilling and invigorating citizens who want to participate in our great democracy! And so we're all thrilled to hear how interested you are, Mr. Fafnir, in President Bush's new energy initiative, the Pure Energy Act.
Finding new, clean sources of energy and eliminating our nation's dependence on foreign oil is a top priority for the President. That's why he's committing the Act's six hundred trillion dollars to explore new horizons by drilling for coal, oil, and plutonium in the Grand Canyon and in the skulls of endangered species living in Yellowstone National Park.
We hope you're as excited about what the President is doing for America, and that you can show your appreciation by donating to BUSH/CHENEY 2004! Remember that a donation of $1000 or greater makes you a Ranger, a $5000-level donation makes you a Pioneer, and a $10,000 donation makes you an extra-special Bushkateer!
Sincerely yours,
Scott McClellan
I have not yet decided whether or not I want to be a Bushkateer. Is it worth it just for the complimentary President Bush vs The Rodeo Of Death comic book? I dunno. But I had the sinking feeling that the inclined farcel was not bein appreciated by the present administration.
"They gave us the money!" says Giblets. "Now they take it back. Indian givers!" "Please Giblets!" I say. "That is an offensive term of speech. They are first american givers." "But either way they won't give money to us," says Giblets. "Maybe," says me, being very very VERY smart, "but THAT means they would give money to people who are NOT us."
FROM: ENERGY SECRETARY SPENCER ABRAHAM
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY
1000 INDEPENDENCE AVE.
WASHINGTON, DC 20585
TO: THE OFFICE OF THE VICE PRESIDENT
1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVE.
WASHINGTON, DC 20500
URGENT - ENERGY BREAKTHROUGH DISCOVERED BY GENIUS SUPER MONKEYS - MUST GET MONEY FOR NEW ENERGY PROJECT - NEED SIX HUNDRED THOUSAND BILLION DOLLARS - BOLD NEW FUTURE - THIS IS NOT FAFNIR THIS IS SPENCER ABRAHAM - I HAVE GENIUS MONKEYS - DO NOT SCREW WITH THEM - HAVE ENCLOSED DELICIOUS SALSA BROWNIES
Alberto Gonzales
Office of the White House Counsel
1600 Pennsylvania Ave, 1st floor
Washington, DC 20500
Mr. Fafnir:
It is my duty to inform you that if you do not remove yourself from our Energy Department immediately the United States government will be forced to take legal action. Also, my staff and I concur that any further pastry dispatches could be reasonably construed as assault in a court of law.
Alberto Gonzales, esq.
White House Counsel
And there you have it. No money from President Bush for the inclined farcel. No money for helping Fafnir help the world and humanity with the greatest thing ever invented ever. And after he promised.
Well y'know what Mr. President I say screw you. I say fooey. I say you suck. I say I don't need a President to make my farcels cause I'm gonna make it on my own. So there. Who needs you anyway. You have broken your promise and broken my heart. The heart of Fafnir. For shame Mr. President. For shame.
Just see if I send you any more of my delicious salsa brownies. Which we both know you like.
