Monday, January 19, 2004

Giblets's mighty patience has worn out with the Iowa Caucuses. Why are there no caucus-goers for Giblets here? Does no one in Iowa love Giblets?

Cleverly disguised as an Iowan (loudly yelling "I am from Iowa! Oh, I am stupid! Oh, I am fat like a cow!"), Giblets entered a caucus to get the cutting-edge "inside scoop." Inside they were all there, a big blob of nasty Iowans, caucusing away in one big terrifying ugly caucus. They were bleating like monkeys. Sheep-like monkeys. Giblets decided to cautiously investigate. The following is my audiotape of the inner workings of the caucus.

CAUCUS: Blah blah blah head count. Blah blah blah viable. Blah blah blah Kucinich. Blah blah blah ham.
GIBLETS: Aaaaa! You are all so stupid! What is wrong with you!
CAUCUS: RRRRAAAAARGH!

Giblets valiantly struggled against the caucus, but it was too fat and ugly and stupid for him, and stunk of corn. There was nothing to do but to spray it with the fire extinguisher and run from the room.

Giblets is watching the caucus coverage on TV. It is Chris Matthews of Hardball, whose guests include Howard Fineman and Joe Scarborough. They are all fat and stupid and cowlike! What has Iowa done! Has it infected the entire world, or has it always been this way? Giblets tries to calm myself by calling Fafnir but he is blithering some blithertalk about being stuck inside a house of eggs. What is happening! Iowa is everywhere! Giblets is surrounded by a planet of apes, like in that movie, Planet of the Apes! What will become of us all! What will become of Giblets!

Damn you Iowa! You blew it up! Damn you all to hell!
posted by Giblets at 9:41 PM




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