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Tuesday, January 20, 2004
It has been a good year for the internet. This is the year that brought us pay-per-download mp3s, the warblogger, the new AOL - everyone loves AOL! - and the internet candidate, a presidential candidate made entirely out of the internet! Only he can save us from John Kerry, the plate tectonics candidate.
It has also been a great year for porn. Porn has been so productive on the internet! Good for you, porn! You are one of the great rags-to-riches Horatio Alger stories of our time! I am proud of you. Porn has now produced more fetishes than there are parts of the human body. This is excitin because this means in the future porn will have to expand into the realm of human genetic engineering and greatly advance our scientific knowledge. 98% of internet bandwidth is currently bein used for the production and dissemination of porn. The rest of it is being used by brave Nigerian bankers who are doing their best to rescue millions of dollars from their corrupt government. There is a Mr. Nosa from the Benin Republic in our audience tonight who carries on this struggle in inboxes across the world. Keep fightin that good fight Mr. Nosa. Keep fightin that good fight. The internet has made valiant gains in its war with its ancient enemy TV but the battle is far from over my friends. TV is a strong and resilient enemy with many supporters. While the internet has the magical warmth of human connection through the miracle of Friendster, TV is still the magic box that tells me all the stuff I need. "Look at this car or toothpaste or woman or hamburger, Fafnir," says TV. "Isn't it delicious or speedy or mouth-cleansing or sexy?" "Well that really is a sexy hamburger TV," says me, "but maybe I should buy a vegetable instead because it is healthier." "No no no!" says TV "you want to buy the toothpaste or car or hamburger or woman NOW!" and I do because it is TV and it must know better. I bought two books from Amazon last year but I bought everything on QVC's "Necklaces Tonite" last night. I couldn't help it there were so many necklaces. I plan to drape them around me like a cape. Also everyone wants to be on TV because once they are on it they become more real, but people dont wanna go on the Internet on account of turning into a pseudonym or naked or both. We are trying hard to combat this. While the internet has now proved that such TV inhabitants as Jay Leno and Arnold Schwarzenegger are computer effects and that popular blogger Instapundit is not really an automated spambot, many TV supporters are still doubtful. But do not be discouraged, internet! You have been successfully fighting the monolithic reporting of TV news with an army of blogs which finally bring us the truth: that everybody is yellin real loud at everybody else. We do not know what the future will hold for us. We do not claim to know all the ways of Providence. Providence, Rhode Island, which held the last reported sighting of William Shatner, star of such films as "Falcon Down" and "American Psycho 2: All American Girl." May He guide us now. And may He continue to bless the internet. (Applause)
posted by fafnir at 9:48 PM
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