Thursday, February 19, 2004
So after writing that last post about foreign policy Giblets feels like he is on a roll. You are astonished and impressed at Giblets's mad foreign policy skillz, but you wonder, because you are still stupid, would he be a good domestic leader? First: what choice do you have, Giblets IS your leader, BOW TO GIBLETS! Second: yes, Giblets would be brilliant and Gibletsian beyond your wildest dreams. Behold, Giblets on the economy!
The deficit. Everyone is stupid about the deficit. A lot of people say "Waah, waah, the deficit, let us borrow money, or tax money, or cut spending, or pretend it isn't there." Why are there so many stupid people in the world? I have such headaches! Such terrible little headaches. Borrowing money means you have to pay it back later! Taxing money means you take money away from Giblets! Cutting spending means less stuff for Giblets that I like! Why can't the government try to handle these problems the way ordinary people do? When ordinary people with thousands of guns and tanks and missiles have trillon-dollar debts, they STEAL it.
This is where Giblets's economic policy dovetails nicely with my foreign policy. If say Canada has a bunch of money and we are short, we just knock over Canada and steal some money. Who will stop us? We have guns! Really big guns! And a lot of them! More complaining means more wars means more money for us. Running out of guns? Steal some more! Sometimes the best solution is also the most obvious.
Trade. The objection of whiny squishy-headed people to Giblets's deficit reduction plan is that it will weaken foreign economies and therefore trade. "Waah waah waah what about trade," they will say. Stupid people, why trade with Non-Giblets countries? They are (1) stupid, (2) not Giblets, and (3) about to be creamed by Giblets because of (1) and (2). Giblets does not support trade. He supports looting, and lots of it. Giblets also opposes NAFTA, GATT, and the WTO.
Job creation. A lot of people are worried about unemployment. Giblets understands your worries and feels heartfelt pain for you. I feel your pain America! Why are you unemployed when you should be serving Giblets?
Under Giblets there will be 100% employment thanks to the rapidly-growing Giblets Sector. People will be needed to bow to Giblets, to dance for Giblets, to bring Giblets ripe and juicy fruit, to fluff pillows for Giblets, to ask Giblets "Is there anything more we can Giblets?", to design new and better television programming for Giblets to replace the crappy and non-Giblets-targeting programming we have now (Golf Channel! Who asked for the Golf Channel! Not I! And not any decent Giblets-loving citizen of Gibletsia, either!). Given Giblets's new deficit-reduction and trade policies there will be more than enough money in the Gibletsian economy to pay for all of these jobs.
Taxation. With all the wealth and money and Giblets that will be flowing freely in the new Giblets Economy, only complete wusses will still be whining about taxation. Nevertheless Giblets has a fair and equitable policy on taxation that should "level the playing field" in our increasingly unequal society. The gap between the rich and the poor is growing. This is a problem. Giblets sympathizes with the poor, even if they are smelly and stupid. It is time for a change. From each according to his ability to each according to his something something.
In this new system, all property and wealth is hereby declared the property of me, Giblets. There is no more "rich" and "poor." Now everyone is just "serf of Giblets." There are no more bitter fights over symbols of status and power because there ARE no symbols of status and power except those firmly possessed by Giblets. There are no longer class divisions, because there is one class: "willing slaves of Giblets." The long class struggle is ended and the nation is finally unified.
Some will see Giblets's plan as too radical, but they are stupid people who will probably be assigned to bathroom duty or to toil in the marshmallow mines. Giblets offers prosperity for all.
posted by Giblets at 5:39 PM