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Sunday, March 14, 2004
I am writing from under a three blankets two pillows an enormous ape named Bucephalus (say hi Bucephalus!) and a smiley faced drinking mug (with cocoa) in order to camouflage myself from the terrorists. Do not tell them I am here or who knows what victories those terrorists will achieve.
My squishy yet fragile heart broke again last week when the terrorists attacked Spain killing hundreds - Spain, one of my two favorite countries on the Iberian peninsula why did it have to be you Spain? - but now my I have been informed by television and the internet that it is worse because in addition to killing hundreds of innocent people the terrorists have won. You see when I was watchin TV it said to me "Fafnir since terrorists blew up the Spanish trains around the Spanish elections that means they want the conservative Spanish to win the elections which will mean an escalation in the war on terror and an increase in the recruitment for al Qaeda!" "Oh no tv that's bad!" I said. "Yes it is Fafnir," said the tv, "because if we react to the terrorists that means they control us and that means they have won!" But then I saw this morning that the socialists were winning the elections. ("Hey look Giblets!" I said. "Socialists!" "There are socialists?" said Giblets. "Yes apparently in Spain!" I said. "They also have bullfighters, conquistadors, and emus!" "I want a socialist!" said Giblets. "Bring Giblets a socialist now!") And I was all happy because that meant that the terrorists had lost. "No Fafnir," said the tv. "This means the terrorists have won because the Spanish are voting for the socialists in reaction against the ruling conservatives because they blame them for the terrorist attack. This means the terrorists have gotten them to elect socialists in response to terror and that means the terrorists have won!" And thne I yelled and hid under a blanket until I called Colin Powell. "Colin Powell the terrorists are winning!" I told him. "I know, tv told me!" he said. "Quick cancel the Spanish elections Colin Powell!" I said. "I could Fafnir using my magnificent Colin Powell Powers but then we would be cancelling elections just because of the terrorists and that would mean the terrorists had gotten us to cancel the Spanish elections and that would mean the terrorists have won!" And we both yelled for a long long time. So here I am under the blankets and the pillows and Bucephalus the ape and the smiley faced drinking mug (with cocoa). I think I am safe from contributing to further terrorist victories in here, and so can you as long as you never do anything ever again because if there is one thing that stop the cause of terror it is being paralyzed by anxiety.
posted by fafnir at 3:43 PM
Thursday, March 11, 2004
So the House of Representatives wants to pass a bill which stops fat people from suing fast food places for making them fat. This seems like a pretty bold statement on the part of the House and that statement is "Cmon down fat people, and eat some more fat!"
"America is a fat country," the House told Fafblog in an exclusive interview, "Its fatness is part of our national heritage and prestige. To discourage McDonald's from selling fat would be like destroying the Grand Canyon or the Washington Monument. Today the House says: we embrace our obese heritage." I have some mixed feelins about this. On the one hand I believe that government should not interfere in our courts and our restaurants and our soup. On the other hand if they do not what is to stop "activist judges" from bankrupting the good people who brought us the McPhilly Cheesesteak? I enjoy fast food if only on an aesthetic level. I purchase many dozens of hamburgers a week and set them up in little pyramids and decorative patterns on my coffee table. I purchase burgers of many varieties so that they can "mix it up" together and understand each others culture. I enjoy the artistry of burger commercials and the pioneering work of cinematographer David McGinnis who developed the slow-motion burger pan and subsequently won an unprecedented three consecutive McCheesies for Best Cinematography from 1982-1984. Where would this go if they take our burgers away? Fight fiercely House of Representatives.
posted by fafnir at 1:26 PM
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
So I was looking for interesting books to present to my Literacy For Clams class and I found a copy of the U.S. Constitution. It's long, but informative - apparently I have rights! I als found this:
No person except a natural born citizen, or a citizen of the United States, at the time of the adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the office of President; neither shall any person be eligible to that office who shall not have attained to the age of thirty five years, and been fourteen Years a resident within the United States.Now I am no constitutional law scholar but what I can say with absolute authority is that this means a duck can be elected president as long as it is thirty-five years old, was born in America, and has taken a citizenship exam. So now it's just a question of findin a really old duck! Do not worry America. Fafnir is here to cure you of your electoral malaise.
posted by fafnir at 10:47 PM
Giblets is disturbed. The AP is reporting that George Bush lets major donors sleep in the White House and yes even the fabled Lincoln Bedroom. Some are saying this is an outrage because it shows how much power and influence campaign donors have. Some are saying this is an outrage because Bush criticized Clinton for doing the same thing when he ran for president. Giblets does not think this is an outrage. Giblets thinks this is really, really nasty.
Who would pay to sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom? Abraham Lincoln was old! He smells like old people! The whole bedroom has old-man Lincoln-funk all over it! Add that in with all the other old people who have been crashing there over the years and even a small militia armed with fifty gallons of Lysol and Mr. Clean could not rid it of that awful "rich rest home" stink. And there are people who would not only go there willingly, and sleep there, but pay for the "privelege"? That makes Giblets's skin crawly. Let me just say that Giblets has no problem with trannies, furries, spankers, chokers, maskers, midget-squatters, half-doggers, roadloggers, numbpluggers, robot-twisters, southpaw chicken dicers, or the El Segundo Grande. But old president smell - that's just plain weird.
posted by Giblets at 6:25 PM
You know if there is one thing I have learned in running this blog it is never for any reason leave lemons in the burner of a lit gas stove. But if there are two things I have learned in running this blog it is the lemon-in-the-stove thing, plus do not ever feed paint to an elephant. But if there are three things I have learned from running this blog it is the lemon thing, the cow thing, and that this country is hungry for change.
Which is why when I saw this in an article in the LA Times: "I would vote for anybody to get rid of George Bush," said Barb Marsh, a chemical dependency counselor from Neighborville, Ill. "You could put a duck up there and I'd support it," said her friend Lois Carlson, a financial planner from Willowbrook, Ill....it rang all kinds of alarm bells over here at Fafblog News Headquarters. No really I jumped up on the Fafblog News Couch and started ringin the special emergency News Bell real loud for like two an a half minutes and Giblets came down and was all "Where's dinner?" Well I'll tell you where dinner is Giblets: dinner is, there is a duck vote in this presidential race. Now things have been kinda down here at Fafblog News Headquarters since Howard Dean dropped out of the race and we got stuck with John Kerry who while I am sure is a very nice person and all does not seem to satisfy America's hunger for change, i.e., change which involves cool people. But a duck! How can you get much more of a change than that! I would vote for a duck! And I know a number of ducks who I believe would make quite fine commanders-in-chief with sensible-yet-forceful foreign policy positions. But can you elect a duck? Is a duck constitutionally eligible to run for president? This looks like a job for Eugene Volokh or failing him Fafblog's own Volokhbot, which is like Eugene Volokh but a robot, and armed with libertarian death lasers! I would look up the constitutionality of a duck presidency myself but I have so many lemons to clean right now.
posted by fafnir at 12:43 PM
Tuesday, March 9, 2004
So a lot of people get all woogy about electronic voting. "Oh electronic voting is bad." "Oh electronic voting is prone to voter fraud." "Oh electronic voting leaves no paper trail." "Oh electronic voting is for robots." Well if nobody speaks for the robots my friends who will speak for you?
In California they are havin some problems with electronic voting, with the voting machines giving 7000 voters the wrong ballots: "In 21 precincts where the problem was most acute, there were more ballots cast than registered voters." Well those same anti-robot people are at it again. "Oh, electronic voting is bad." "Oh, you shouldn't have phantom people voting in districts where they don't exist." But aren't phantom people people too? Voter turnout in some precincts was over 100%! That's really good turnout! If someone in San Francisco can vote on people and issues in Anaheim all it means is voters have more choices, and more choices means more democracy, and more democracy is always good! It is part of the wonders that the global village of science and technology have brought us. So next time you see a voting machine or a robot or a man burning a box full of ballots stop and thank him. He's embiggening your freedom.
posted by fafnir at 10:33 AM
Monday, March 8, 2004
Kevin Drum, cheesedog entrepreneur and Calpundit pundit, is now beocming a professional blogger for The Washington Monthly. Hooray, Kevin Drum! I remember when you were just a little guy sellin cheesedogs and I said "Hey there Kevin Drum how bout you start typin stuff in this here 'introweb' thing because y'know it's real big" and he said "No sir I think I'll stick to m'cheesedogs, m'hmm" and I said "No, it's real easy, lemme show you how" and he said "Nope, cheesedogs" and I said "Really, no, blogging, it's" and this kept up for about the next eleven years but then he took off and became really great. His soon to be commercial success brings a tear of pride to my eye.
I was once offered to be the professionally-paid blogger of Beef Magazine Online but I turned it down because I wanted to stay "indie."
posted by fafnir at 9:16 PM
I have returned from my mysterious travels arooooound the glooooobe but so much has changed since I left America! Haiti is now a different Haiti! Iraq has an interim constitution! George Bush is walkin towards me out of my teevee in slow-motion purposefully and steadfully! The world is now ruled by an evil dictator and Nazis won World War II! - and all on account of I stepped on that butterfly. Stupid butterfly. And Giblets is holding a duck. "What?" he says. "It's Giblets's duck. This duck is Giblets's. Dance for Giblets, duck!" There is so much I need to catch up on.
posted by fafnir at 6:38 PM
Saturday, March 6, 2004
Well Fafblog's travels around the world are nearly over. We have gone to lots of places (like here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here) and we have seen exciting and amazing things, like blimps and eskimos! But now our time is almost done.
In the future stuff looks a lot like the present only older and with more junk. But it is futuristic junk! I am bein shown around by Future Fafnir who looks just like Regular Fafnir (which is me! a shout out to me! hi, me) only he has a space helmet. "Because of the rays," he says. "Oooo," I says. "And because it's the future!" he says. "Hooray!" I says. "Will we have more stuff in the future?" I says. "We will have new stuff, but we'll lose some old stuff," he says. "Like we will have more furniture and cars! But we will lose some animals, like frogs and giraffes." "Oh no!" I says. "Not giraffes!" "Probly under the furniture," he says. "What is the future made of," I says. "I have heard the future is our children." "The future is not really children," he says. "But it is big machines that are programmed to simulate children!" "Wow!" I says. "Science and technology!" "And we make toast faster than anyone!" he says, giving me a delicious piece of hot toast. "Who is in charge of the future?" I says. "I dunno," he says. "There is lots of news on television, but all the news is about other news, so nobody knows what's goin on." "What about the economy," I says. "What are the exports of the future? What are the imports." "We import everything!" he says. "And we export chunky pieces a plastic, like this one on the ground here." "What about arts and culture?" I says. "They are very fast," he says. "Everything is fast in the future! TV shows are over in fifteen minutes. CDs are thirty seconds long. We have to be done with them real quick so we can get back to work and get done with work so we can get back to relaxing, fast!" "Relax!" says Future Giblets runnin up to me. "Relax noooooooow!" "Wow, you're just like regular Giblets, but angrier and bossier!" says me. "Now work for Future Giblets," says Future Giblets. "Make textiles." "How are diplomatic relations between our people in the present and your people in the future?" I says. "We are angry at the present!" says Future Giblets. "Sooo angry." "But we miss the present too and would like to move there," says Future Fafnir. "It has nicer parks and beaches." "You are all so interesting I wish I could stay forever!" I says. "But I have to go back home. I left pretzels cooking!" "Oh! You don't want your pretzels burned when you get to the future," says Future Fafnir. "Be better when you go back to the present!" says Future Giblets. "Do not lose your giraffes!" "Don't worry I won't!" I says. This is my promise to the future. I will not lose my giraffes, and I will not burn my pretzels.
posted by fafnir at 11:13 PM
So Fafnir has called Giblets up from his airblimp - from traveling, which he'll be done with soon - and said "Giiiiibleeeeets, why aren't you piiiiiie-bloooooging" - and Giblets said cause Giblets doesn't care about stupid pie. And he said "But Giiiiiiiibleeeeeets" and I said No more stupid pie! and he said "You've got to do the piiiiiiiiiiie-bloooooogging," and Giblets said okay okay Giblets will blog your pie-blogging! Sheesh.
 This is a pie.It is a stupid fat pie that doesn't know what's good for it. Look at it. If it did, would it be a pie, sitting there to be eaten like a stupid pie? No! It would be a motorcycle or an alligator or a tank or an ape made of smaller apes, all of which could adequately run away from or defend themselves against someone like Giblets who wants to eat them. But it is not a motorcycle or an alligator or a tank or an ape made of smaller apes. It's a stupid pie! It is also an insolent pie. "Dance for Giblets, pie!" says Giblets. Does the pie dance? No, the pie remains exactly where it is. Insolent pie! It is no good for amusing Giblets. All it is good for is being eaten. It is also a heartless and insensitive pie. Does it care that Giblets has feelings? Does it ask "How was your day Giblets?" "Are you lonely Giblets?" No, it does not, because it does not care about Giblets, or about anyone. What a horrible, selfish pie. There is only one thing for you, pie, and that is eating. I wish I could say I am sorry but all Giblets has left for you is bitterness. Giblets almost feels like he never knew you, pie. It's a bitter, bitter thing to eat a pie. Labels: pie
posted by Giblets at 12:10 PM
So Giblets has finally seen these "Reelect me George Bush" ads everyone is talking about. You can see them here. Giblets believes they are called "Tested," "Strength and Strengthudice," and "Resteadicated."
In them Bush talks about economic recession and includes images of 9/11, which have angered some namby-pamby bleeding-heart "families of the dead." Well, as James Lileks says, "it's called running on one's record. They get to do that." Okay, fine. War, recession, massive terrorist attack on American soil, that's great - but what're you gonna do for me next year? Nuke in the Sears Tower? Massive depression? Ricin attack in Madison Square Garden? Land invasion of China? Giblets needs some red meat!
posted by Giblets at 9:05 AM
Tuesday, March 2, 2004
This is part of an incredible ongoing series of around the world TRAVELBLOGGING! It's like blogging only with travel attached. What new words can you make while blogging? Try this on your own! Answers are at the bottom. Previous foreign lands have included Canada, Israel, Iraq, Europe, the Moon, the office building, and the mall.
Televison is a mysterious and magical place. I am sitting behind a desk. I have a desk at home but this is much better and shinier - it is a television desk! It is an expert desk! It says "Fafnir is smart and important! Listen up, universe!" I also have a name that magically appears under my face whenever I am shown along with my profession. FAFNIR: FAFNIR. My profession is also Fafnir. There are other people here - the native inhabitants of television. They are big and loud and puffy and also sit at special television desks like mine, only they have television desks all the time so they're even more special than I am because this isn't my real desk, my real desk is just a plain ol boring ol desk, not a television desk. When I enter a room I do not have exciting theme music and flag color graphics. Everyone gets flag color graphics on television! We are on and we are arguing, which is what we do on television! "You are stupid and evil and wrong!" says Television Person Opposed To Other Television Person. "No you are stupid and evil and wrong!" says Other Television Person Opposed To Previous Television Person. The host is on here to resolve the dispute. "Stupid!" he says. "Stupid stupid. Evil, evil wrong! Stupid evil, wrong wrong wrong!" The host is on television more than any of us, and is therefore the most real. Now I am arguing with a man shaped like a wrinkled egg! "But if we just eat cows all the cows will run away." "You just want to eat trucks! You're a slave to the Big Truck lobby!" "All I am saying is why can't people and balloons get along. There is no need for this unilateral anti-balloon aggression." "National security! National security! What will you do when a balloon causes another 9-11! National security!" "I believe the humans and the glofish can live in peace." The host says "Thirty seconds left! Fafnir, final word!" And I have the final word! "People think things are going down but I think things are going up or better yet sideways, and that's good, because when they go sideways they can go off to the left, which is where the sandwich store is, which is giving out tiny miniaturized bears. Look at all those tiny miniaturized bears. Can't you feel the love America? Can't you feel the love?" Then we go to Commercial, and now we are a coolrefrshing mountain stream selling a rugged SUV and we are an exploding can of tasty cola and its cartoon mascot and we are a tough yet trustworthy old businessman giving advice on mutual funds and we are so much more! There are so many things on to see and do and be on television! I wish I had more time but there is never enough time on tv. (-blogging answers: moonblogging, orthoblogging, shoeblogging, Catholoblogging, monsterblogging, explodoblogging, conquistoblogging, Goetterdammerblogging)
posted by fafnir at 9:44 AM
Saturday, February 28, 2004
dir: Mel Gibson
reviewed by: Giblets Here are the notes I took on "The Passion": - Wait, this is a foreign film? If Giblets wanted to read he'd buy a book. Jesus. - Guards beat on Jesus when they arrest him. Serves him right for being a criminal - Giblets is "tough on crime." - But before the trial, even more beating. - And the beating continues. - Y'know what our court procedures need here in America? More beatings. - Oh, and now they're talking! Booooring. Get back to the beating! - King of Jews this, messiah that. This is like the part in the porno where the girl is surprised by the pizza delivery guy. - Pilate is soft spoken, sensitive and thoughtful. I like that in a tyrant. - Now they're flogging him - A lot of flogging here - The flogging is still going strong. Man, Mel Gibson must be really pissed at this Jesus person. - Wow, Mel Gibson sure does like his flogging, doesn't he? - About ten minutes into the flogging the Horrors burst free through my little desensitized skull and rampage throughout my brain. Dear god the Horrors! - Whoops, now I'm used to the Horrors again. Whew, that was close! - Jesus is now being spat at while he carries the cross up the road. Pretty seriously desensitizing at this point. In fact I'm kind of getting a heady impressionable desire to crucify someone myself. - The Horrors are now singing to me, "Let's go out to the lobby, let's go out to the lobby, let's go out to the lobby, and get ourselves a snack." Great idea, Horrors. Giblets is feeling like some Raisinettes right now. - And now a raven eats another cross-guy's eyeball. Shows you for screwing with the Romans, cross-guy! - Jesus is now dead. I have to say I kind of saw that one coming. - And wait - now he's back! Back with a vengeance. The ending's pretty weak - just a setup for the revenge-pic sequel, which should've just been Act 2 of this one - and you never really get introduced to these characters. Who is this Jesus guy? It is implied he is some kind of politician because in one of the flashbacks he's giving a speech. But throw us a real bone here Gibson! Give us an origin story! Bitten by a radioactive God? Strange visitor from another planet born of Mary? Giblets needs context! I also want to know what happens next to Jesus. After two hours of torture and death he isn't coming back to life just to play nice and absolve sins. No, he is coming back to give the mother of all ass-stompings. But we never get to see it. It's like seeing Dirty Harry's partners get killed off over and over again, and then having the movie end right there. Giblets demands satisfaction! Giblets demands vengeance! The supporting cast was very underdeveloped. There was some old lady who kept running around pestering Jesus from torture site to torture site, it was kind of weird. Is she the janitor because they show her cleaning up blood, or is she just some sicko who's "into" this stuff? Then there was Mary Magdalene, who was hot, but didn't get nearly as much screen time. Put the hot chick up front, Gibson! Of all the supporting characters, I would have to say the one who comes off the best by far is Pilate. Now of all the Roman tyrants who send thousand of Jews to their agonizing deaths without trial I have to say Pilate has to be the nicest. A lot of people are asking, "Is this movie anti-semitic"? Well, Giblets doesn't know about that. On the one hand there are mobs of angry crazed Jews hungry for Jesus-blood. On the other hand Mel Gibson has said that the movie is not anti-Semitic, and that he is only portraying events as they occurred. And how can you argue with that. Labels: film
posted by Giblets at 9:35 PM
Giblets has heard enough of this "The Passion of the Christ" mumbo jumbo. Giblets is departing hereforthwith to see this film himself and comment upon it. You WILL be apprised of Giblets's opinion of the film, which will be officially known as The Official Universal Opinion Regarding Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ."
I have big hopes for this movie because of the following:
posted by Giblets at 11:36 AM
Friday, February 27, 2004
Fafblog's journey to wondrous and foreign countries continues! You can see all our previous trips to Canada the Holy Land Iraq Europe the Moon and the office building. Fafblog boldly blogs where no one has blogged before. Or where others have blogged before but with arguably less panache. Fafblog has so! much! panache!
The mall is a bright and welcoming land. As I enter the country I am greeted not by guards or by terrorist searches but by a giant person in a pink bear suit bearing coupons for candy. This is a wonderful idea! Why don't we have pink bear suits at US customs! I would get stopped less by them I bet. Paris has been called the City of Lights but y'know it has nothing on the mall, which is full of wonderful twinkling shiny things and music that floats serenely through the air in a comforting loop. I know that the mall will always be here to welcome me and love me just like I know that the electrosynth version of Pachelbel's canon plays every 56 minutes. And the food! The mall has a luxurious Court of Food where a veritable panopoly of cuisine internationale is ready and available from Chinese to Italian to Other Chinese to Tacos to Chicken In A Box to Arby's! I have been all over the world but no other land embraces the cosmopolitan spirit like the mall. The center of the mall is Holiday Village which is presided over by the Holiday Man. Sometimes he is a giant rabbit! Sometimes he is a terrifying Santa Claus. Sometimes he is an information booth! I go up to the Holiday Man and ask him where I can purchase a purple umbrella, he is quite helpful. Mallians are very spiritual people. They are not interested in the acquisition of physical things. They are interested in the acquisition of spiritual things shaped like physical things. But the best thing about mall people is that they are open to a variety of spiritual enlightenment, not limiting themselves to yknow just cds or clothes or pizzas but cds and clothes and pizzas from different stores, too. They are sort of like Unitarians that way, or maybe Quakers or the B'hai, only with extra greed. "Is this right?" one of them asks in a shop holdin up a book or a Magic 8-ball or a sandwich. I do not know mall person - only you in your own inner journey can decide if that is right for you. And that journey may take a lifetime.
posted by fafnir at 3:57 PM
So Giblets woke up today from a 24-hour-long pizza-pretzel, monkey beer, and fishing show marathon to find out that Haiti has gone nuts. "Haiti!" Giblets said. "Giblets said nothing about Haiti going nuts! Back with you, Haiti!" And then it suited Giblets in his supreme Gibletsian nature to run to the bathroom and throw up for a few hours. A decree issues forth from Giblets, my subjects: monkey beer and pizza-pretzels do not mix.
Apparently this Haitian thing has happened before, a few times. What is wrong with you, Haiti! Are you not in the imperium of Giblets? Are you not the 53rd state or something? Get a grip or we will have to toast you good. Giblets has a headache but he will return.
posted by Giblets at 2:19 PM
Thursday, February 26, 2004
This is part of an ongoing series of whatsis through strange and foreign lands which you are reading, hooray! You can read the others here here here here and here.
The office building is a strange and corridory place. I am greeted at customs by a native who extends a greeting of "hey wait you cant go into the office building" and in return I extend to him a Hawaiian lei. Aloha, office building! The office building is bizarre and frightens most visitors which it why its natives are so unused to tourists. But that is only because it is so misunderstood. The office building natives are a quiet simple people, content to graze in their cube shaped huts and perform their simple native rituals. Entering an office building village I am greeted by the rhythmic clicking and ringing of indigenous office instruments and by ancient office chants: thenkyoo for calling customerservice thissis vincentspeaking howmayihelpyou thenkyoo for calling customerservice thissis vincentspeaking howmayihelpyou The huts of the office people are decorated with their primitive yet abstract art. Some are pictures of babies which is odd because there are no babies in the building vllage, office people are born fully grown from large metal pods in the parking lot outside. Some are signs with villager's names on them which are believed to protect ones identity and status from evil spirits. One shows a picture of a rock with the word TEAMWORK on it. Silly office people! Teamwork doesn't look like a rock. It looks like a butterfly. Some huts are empty. These are where old villagers used to live before they were taken from their homes and released from the office building into the cold cruel world outside to be devoured, like Eskimos, by predators and the public transit system. It is sad and terrible to watch but to interfere with this process would be to disturb the development of another culture. While I am walkin along the village streets eatin chips and sayin hi, I am suddenly surprised to see Chris here. Chris! What are you doing in the office building! Chris looks sad and desperate. Oh no Chris is a prisoner of the office people! Have they been conducting raids to capture slaves? I cant leave my friend here in a hostile territory. I grab Chris and yell "go go go!" As we are running towards the office people's "magic basket" - a pulley device used to raise and lower office people from one village to another - the village chieftain emerges from his special taller hut. He is marked in the traditional manner of office people chiefs, bald and fat with the meat of his rivals. He stands in the office road emitting native cries of "yoofied! yoofied!" but we do not listen. At the gate as we are leaving I leave behind a cup of coffee and a box of paper clips in offering to the native gods. Our visit to the office building has been a bittersweet one. Have we truly come closer to understandin its savage yet unique culture or will it always remain a riddle wrapped in another riddle wrapped in a cafeteria donut? We will have to study this further to come to terms with this mysterious culture.
posted by fafnir at 8:25 PM
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
So I am sitting here in my cheetos eating my soup and staring at the television and wondering when oh when will Fafnir come back and there on the television is the President George W Bush talking about a constitutional ban on gay marriage. Well, crap. Who ordered that?
Oh. That's right. Crazy religious zealots ordered that. Giblets hates everything.
posted by Giblets at 8:16 PM
This is part 5 of a part-sumpin series in which Faf travels around the World! you can read parts 1, 2, 3 and 4 too. This is cutting edge Journalism.
The first thing you notice on the moon is the junk. But not just any old junk it is moon junk! I mean we have candy wrappers and newspapers and plastic bags and old condoms on earth but they have moon wrappers and moon bags and moon condoms up there! I excitedly pick up a half-eaten McFishwich and put it in my souvenir bag for Giblets. On the way to Moon City I was stopped by an old moon man who could see of course that I was a Norwegian-Sri Lankan who lives in America. "Oh you Norwegian-Sri Lankans who live in America," he said shaking his long blue moon beard, "how much damage you have done to us, the moon." There was nothing I could say because I knew it was true. I have tried not to eat the delicious moon juice my people have juiced from your moon, moon men! But it is just so juicy and delicious! Indigenous moon culture has suffered ever since the first Moonstronauts landed here. While Earth culture like McDonalds and Coke and breathable air has become very popular here it has pushed out native culture like rocks, and having no air. "I miss the old days," the old moon man says. "Back when you could step out onto a clean moon on a bright afternoon and suffocate in the autumn vaccuum." Perhaps those who have suffered the most are the moonbots. Once a proud and vibrant people with metal claws, torso lasers and a set of unique spiritual and artistic traditions, the moonbots now while away their time in moonbot ghettos making fizzy noises with their deactivated death rays. "DESTROY INTRUDER," one says sadly to me sittin on a corner sadly holding out a hat for change. "EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE. DESTROY INTRUDER." A small robotic tear is rolling down from its robotic eye. I know how it feels. At Moon Square in Moon City they have the biggest McDonalds on the Moon. The McDonalds arches there are visible from earth and are sometimes mistaken for God by small children, which is understnadable, because God also circles the world dispensing hot crispy fries. But at what cost? At what cost? "Would you like a McMoon?" says the McDonalds person. No I would not like a McMoon! I would like a real moon! But I order one anyway because it is so fried and tasty. But I will not supersize it! Oh but I do supersize it, after some prodding. I sit on the edge of the Moon Sea and look up at the sad sad stars. Exterminate exterminate destroy all intruders indeed, gentle moon. Exterminate exterminate destroy all intruders indeed.
posted by fafnir at 11:31 AM
Saturday, February 21, 2004
Well so far I have been to Canada, Israel, and Iraq. All of these were fascinating places but really none of them can compare with exotic Europe.
I am riding in the blimp of the King of Europe. By European law the King has the second biggest blimp in the whole country - only the EuroPope's is bigger because it must hold God. "Ho ho, eat more things, Fafnir," says the King of Europe. The King has so many things to eat: fish, olives, spinach, cheese, bicycles, trees, figs, telephones. Telephones are considered a delicacy in Europe. There are over five hundred million balloons in Europe which have been tied together with string and gum to form Europe City, the capital of Europe. To live in Europe City you must weigh less than one hundred pounds or you may cause the balloon buildings to pop and other Europeans will fall down into the ocean with you. Fat Europeans live in large boats below, like Boat City, which is one of the largest cities in Europe for fat people. Europe is big and Europey. They have made vast strides in science and technology such as the invention of atomic ham. They have been a bastion of international diplomacy as well having established a lasting peace with the eggplant. However and despite all of this the King is troubled. "If the cloud pirates return, there will be no hope for us," he says. And he stares off ominously into the clouds.
posted by fafnir at 9:23 PM
Friday, February 20, 2004
I am interrupting my exciting round the world travels for the sake of our traditional Friday pie-blogging. Pies are beautiful and we cannot forget them.
Today I want to touch upon a subject which has always interested me which is pie community. Here is a proud and majestic slice of pie:  It is filled with delicious chocolate pudding of some kind and wears a proud crown of whipped cream. But it is a lone slice of pie. Where are its brother and sister slices? Where is its mother pie? It is all alone and adrift in a world that is often sadly hostile to pies. Here is a delicious warm apple pie, hot and resting peacefully on one of those little grill things. You know it is tasty because it has a maple leaf on it! And yet something is missing from this pie. It is missing a slice of itself. A little piece of its pieness has disappeared from it and gone away. "Where is the little slice I knew and loved so much?" this pie is thinking. It is not alone like the slice but it is not a whole pie. But inevitably all pies must have their missing pieces because that is what pies are for. They must yield to us their hot and delectable innards slice by slice or they will waste away, sad and uneaten. Now here we see a whole host of delicious pies together in a vast communion of pies. These pies are whole and together and in the company of their fellow pies. Plus they are scrumptuous just look at them! Some day they will be cut into little slices and be separated from their pie brethren but for now they are pies living in splendid harmony, cherry with pumpkin, lemon cream with strawberry rhubarb, all different pies living together in peace and security.There is so much we can learn from pies. Until we can fully comprehend them, I am going out to eat. Labels: pie
posted by fafnir at 1:49 PM
Thursday, February 19, 2004
So after writing that last post about foreign policy Giblets feels like he is on a roll. You are astonished and impressed at Giblets's mad foreign policy skillz, but you wonder, because you are still stupid, would he be a good domestic leader? First: what choice do you have, Giblets IS your leader, BOW TO GIBLETS! Second: yes, Giblets would be brilliant and Gibletsian beyond your wildest dreams. Behold, Giblets on the economy!
The deficit. Everyone is stupid about the deficit. A lot of people say "Waah, waah, the deficit, let us borrow money, or tax money, or cut spending, or pretend it isn't there." Why are there so many stupid people in the world? I have such headaches! Such terrible little headaches. Borrowing money means you have to pay it back later! Taxing money means you take money away from Giblets! Cutting spending means less stuff for Giblets that I like! Why can't the government try to handle these problems the way ordinary people do? When ordinary people with thousands of guns and tanks and missiles have trillon-dollar debts, they STEAL it. This is where Giblets's economic policy dovetails nicely with my foreign policy. If say Canada has a bunch of money and we are short, we just knock over Canada and steal some money. Who will stop us? We have guns! Really big guns! And a lot of them! More complaining means more wars means more money for us. Running out of guns? Steal some more! Sometimes the best solution is also the most obvious. Trade. The objection of whiny squishy-headed people to Giblets's deficit reduction plan is that it will weaken foreign economies and therefore trade. "Waah waah waah what about trade," they will say. Stupid people, why trade with Non-Giblets countries? They are (1) stupid, (2) not Giblets, and (3) about to be creamed by Giblets because of (1) and (2). Giblets does not support trade. He supports looting, and lots of it. Giblets also opposes NAFTA, GATT, and the WTO. Job creation. A lot of people are worried about unemployment. Giblets understands your worries and feels heartfelt pain for you. I feel your pain America! Why are you unemployed when you should be serving Giblets? Under Giblets there will be 100% employment thanks to the rapidly-growing Giblets Sector. People will be needed to bow to Giblets, to dance for Giblets, to bring Giblets ripe and juicy fruit, to fluff pillows for Giblets, to ask Giblets "Is there anything more we can Giblets?", to design new and better television programming for Giblets to replace the crappy and non-Giblets-targeting programming we have now (Golf Channel! Who asked for the Golf Channel! Not I! And not any decent Giblets-loving citizen of Gibletsia, either!). Given Giblets's new deficit-reduction and trade policies there will be more than enough money in the Gibletsian economy to pay for all of these jobs. Taxation. With all the wealth and money and Giblets that will be flowing freely in the new Giblets Economy, only complete wusses will still be whining about taxation. Nevertheless Giblets has a fair and equitable policy on taxation that should "level the playing field" in our increasingly unequal society. The gap between the rich and the poor is growing. This is a problem. Giblets sympathizes with the poor, even if they are smelly and stupid. It is time for a change. From each according to his ability to each according to his something something. In this new system, all property and wealth is hereby declared the property of me, Giblets. There is no more "rich" and "poor." Now everyone is just "serf of Giblets." There are no more bitter fights over symbols of status and power because there ARE no symbols of status and power except those firmly possessed by Giblets. There are no longer class divisions, because there is one class: "willing slaves of Giblets." The long class struggle is ended and the nation is finally unified. Some will see Giblets's plan as too radical, but they are stupid people who will probably be assigned to bathroom duty or to toil in the marshmallow mines. Giblets offers prosperity for all.
posted by Giblets at 5:39 PM
People are always asking Giblets, "Giblets, how would you run a major world superpower's foreign policy?" Or rather, people never ask Giblets this, because they are stupid, but if they did, Giblets would respond, "With brilliance and Gibletsianity!"
But with what specific degree of Gibletsianity? What precisely is Giblets's approach to foreign policy? How would Giblets's country treat smaller, dumber, weaker countries? Here is what I refer to as my Giblets Doctrine. 1. The division of the world: Giblets and Non-Giblets The whole of the world can be divided into the Giblets World and the Non-Giblets World. Lefty namby-pamby squishy people made of squish think the Giblets world and the Non-Giblets world can get along just fine. They are wrong, these worlds are at WAR! Why is the Non-Giblets world not Giblets? Because they hate the Gibletsness of Giblets. Because they are evil - and stupid. If you are not with Giblets you are against Giblets and if you are against Giblets you are going to be pantsed on an international scale. 2. The pantsing of nations: How it is best done The Non-Giblets world is evil and stupid but fortunately they are also small and weak and not a mighty superpower blessed with and by Giblets. Thus Giblets has the advantage going into any military conflict. Should there by military conflict between Giblets's nations and enemy nations? Yes, always! Other solutions have been prove to be ineffective against the enemy as (1) we have not bothered to try them much and (2) they sound boring. But how should military conflicts be conducted? Some favor "light attacks with precision weapons" and some favor "overwhelming force." Both of these are what Giblets strategists refer to as "pussying-out strategies." The enemies of Giblets should be confronted with inexcusably annihilating, or Gibletsian, force. Nuclear weapons should be used in every phase of every battle of every war! Attacking a bunker? Drop a nuke! Fighting in small quarters? Throw a little hand-grenade-sized nuke - these exist, I saw them in Starship Troopers! Shooting people? Shoot them with some kind of nuke! Inject nuclear material into our soldiers so they will turn into giant nuclear things, like the Hulk! There is no excuse not to use nukes if you have nukes. In the end you will have a lot of whiny people saying "Oh but Giblets blah blah blah that will hurt people." Well good. That's what you get for not being Giblets. 3. Nation-building Giblets is opposed to what some call "nation-building." It sounds very boring and keeps armies standing around doing something they are bad at, building things up, instead of something they are very good at, which is knocking things down. Giblets believes in nation-squashing. When one invades a nation, one should not want to rebuild that nation. You should squash it! "But Giblets," say the name squishy whiny people from the last couple points, "what if a new government springs up on its own that is more hostile to Giblets, blah blah blah." To which I say: shut up, you're so stupid! The whole point of nation-squashing is to keep the nation squashed. So you would send in a team of "Peacesquashers" periodically who would blow things up again every time a new government was about to form. See? Nation stays squashed, everyone is happy. Except of course for everyone in the nation being squashed. Who doesn't count because after all they're bad people. So, there you go. Giblets's guide to perfect foreign policy. Just a taste of what oyu get when Giblets is in charge.
posted by Giblets at 3:59 PM
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
 Fafblog is continuin its hard-hittin coverage of various hot spots and international points around the world, such as Canada and Israel. We at Fafblog believe the best way to learn about a place is to go there. They say that you do not know a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes. Well you cannot know shoes until a man has walked in you for a mile. And we at this blog are those shoes.Take Iraq! Before I went there I thought it was a big ol mess filled with Kurds and Sunni Triangles and Sistanis and splodin' stuff. But boy! Iraq is so much different in person. First when I stepped off the plane I was warmly greeted by Iraqi civil administrator L Paul Bremer and his native manservant: "Whelcome, Mister Fahfner... to Eeeeraahq!" I must say that Paul Bremer bears a remarkable resemblence to Ricardo Montalban television does not do him justice. Mr. Bremer showed me around Baghdad where much of the reconstruction is takin place. "We are often told by the media of the fighting between the Sunnis and the Shiites," the dapper Mr Bremer said pouring a glass of wine "but we are rarely told of the delight and welcome we received from Iraq's large and industrious gnome population!" It is sadly true. But there in Iraq gnomes and leprechauns and even the gelfling populace have put aside their generations-old differences and embraced freedom! Why you cannot walk through a Baghdad marketplace without a round dozen pixies offering you to eat their delicious chocolate-coated brains as thanks for liberation. The first question you of course ask is "Are we making all that much progress in Iraq Fafnir." And I have to say yes we are. The rebuilding of schools, the police force made of candy, the increase in the magical Wish Fish population. But the more important question is "What is the appeal of Iraq! Why are so many thousands of tourists flocking here in such great numbers?" To start with the country is made of ice cream! Tasty, strategically vital ice cream. Second: cheap magic carpets. Third: the world's biggest walrus! Fourth - "Oh no!" says my Wish Fish before I have the chance to use it to wish for what I really want, which is a giant balloon shaped like a moose which can fly me around the world at the speed of sound. "Sandworms!" Oh no! Sandworms! We are under attack!
posted by fafnir at 7:19 PM
Not only can John Kerry not deliver a crushing blow to voters, he cannot deliver a speech. Giblets is listening to him now and it is so painful! "Blah blah blah and so I say unto you when I am elected I shall here and forthwith blah blah blah" you are killing me John Kerry! You are killing Giblets! You are committing Gibletsicide! Guards, seize him! Guards! Guaaaaaaarrrrds!
posted by Giblets at 11:32 AM
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Would you look at this on television right now! Edwards is neck and neck with Kerry and it looks like Dean will drop out of the race and the stupid people on the stupid TV are telling me this means the primaries will keep going! Aaaaaaaarrrgggh! What is with you people, does everybody in the country think they have to vote or something?
It is bad enough that over a quarter of the delegates have already been voted on. Do we really have to have the rest of them be voted on too? It goes against every fiber of my Gibletsdom! More people means more stupid! More stupid people voting means stupidity compounds stupidity. This is bad for America, and hideous to Giblets! Voters are a bad influence on democracy and would be best served if their brains were scooped out and replaced with complex robo-programs which would compel them to serve me. "What do you desire, O Giblets," they would say. And I would have them bring unto me some mac-n-cheese, or perhaps some delectable ham salad, and the TV for watching cartoons. But nooooo. You all have to have a "choice." Stupid democracy.
posted by Giblets at 9:50 PM
It has been dull with Fafnir gone and traveling around the world. Normally we can get into arguments and play games like Pass the Pistachios and Cheese or Weevil? but with him gone it's just me here and it is boooooooring and dull. Lousy Fafnir - come back soon!
Giblets decided to amuse himself by addressing his subjects today, and did so by first girding himself in the most royal of velvety greens, and stepped out onto the balcony, or "fire escape," to address the filthy throngs below. "Bow to Giblets!" I cried in my loud, booming, charismatic, projecting voice. "Bow to Giblets, filthy throngs!" Giblets was met with nothing but insolence. Giblets was further irritated to learn that there is another presidential primary today. Geez, how many of these are there? With a dictatorship it's all pretty simple, I am the dictator and you run from my men with large guns. Unless I run my dictatorship as a "progressive-minded liberal," in which case you vote for one of my corporate proxies once every four years.
posted by Giblets at 11:37 AM
Monday, February 16, 2004
Well after my trip to Canada last time whew! I thought I was ready for anything! But here in Israel and Palestine - or as it is officially known "The Holy Land" nicknamed "plumsuckle country" - I wasn't prepared for all this dirt! Yes there sure is a whole lot of dirt here it is very very brown. But most importantly it is historical dirt. Holy dirt. Some people do not understand the root causes of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and they say to me "Fafnir why is there all the killing and what." And I cannot answer them in part because my mouth is full of pie. But if you came over here and saw all this brown brown historical brown holy dirt I think you would get the picture pretty fast.
One of the most popular sites to see here in Jerusalem is God. God is about three hundred feet wide and four hundred feet tall according to the book I bought at the God gift shop where I got Giblets a neat little "My friend Fafnir went to God and all I got was this holy and blessed t-shirt." On it the name of God is spelled out in mystical Hebrew letters which cause everyone who read it to fall down shrieking in unworthiness. They also had another one that glowed in the dark! God is round and fleshy and pretty squishy - you can bounce up and down on him like a trampoline for hours! He also tastes delicious, a lot like cotton candy. I am so sorry for eating you God but you are so light and fluffy! God is used for mining holiness which is Israel's chief export and is quite delicious - you can spread it like jam on bread, and it has been demonstrated to lower blood cholersterol! God himself is a sort of purply blue, except where he is a nifty shade of plaid that was probably a lot more stylin in the 70s. He has a big wobbly head and tiny stubby arms that are too small to reach where he is stuck half-wedged into the dirt. Carbon-dating of God has showed that he crashed here on earth about six thousand years ago. Carbon-dating is cool. But God has become the center of controversy because each side of the conflict here says they should own him. "God belongs to me and my people," says an angry angry Israeli named Moosh. "He was promised to us centuries ago, by him, when he appeared to us in the form of a fiery cocktail surrounded by a host of angels, also in the form of a fiery cocktail." But an angry angry Palestinian, also samed Moosh, disagreed. "My family has lived on God for generations. God is all we know. We have lived off God and eaten off God. Without God we have slipped into poverty and squalor because there is nowhere else to go in the world - and nowhere that compares with the glorious deliciousness of God!" Some people say we should build a wall over God and some people say we should cut God in half and distribute him. I tried to ask God about this himself but he could not hear me over his moaning and agony. The best place to eat in Israel or Palestine is the Angriest Lil Bar n Grill where all the waitresses dress up like the animal headed cherubim of the book of Ezekiel. It's pretty cool. I recommend the Holy Land Pork Plate.
posted by fafnir at 1:58 PM
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