Friday, February 13, 2004

This is not your beautiful wife!

Well, when the end of Western Civilization comes, let it never be said that the Medium Lobster didn't warn you.

Yesterday, in a moment that will cause toppling skyscrapers, Nazi death camps, and Vietnam-era war atrocities to pale in the history of modern horrors, a pair of octogenarian San Franciscan women were given a marriage certificate. Oh, the Medium Lobster has heard of the valiant attempts to save Marriage from the Gay Onslaught - constitutional amendments attempting to proudly enshrine the Right To Freedom From Gay along with freedom of speech and the abolition of slavery in the constitution - but they've come far, far too late. The floodgates have been opened.

Now that the Institution of Marriage has been forever tarnished by Gay, the founding principle of civilized society - namely heterosexual missionary-style intercourse - is already doomed to crumble. Abolishing gay marriage was never enough - we had to prevent them from ever violating the sanctity of straight humping. Alas, the door to rampant homosexual violation of our most sacred rites and rituals at a fundamental, cosmological, and ontological level has already begun - and now it is unstoppable... just as Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson said it would be. With marriage undermined, it is only a matter of time before all of America's marriages become Gay.

Even as we speak, dark ripples are spreading outward among good, straight American couples. Dick Cheney is sizing Scooter Libby up for a ceramic butt-plug, Laura Bush is peeling herself into a pleather catsuit and cracking a whip over a subservient throng of leather drag kings, and the President himself is about to have every orifice penetrated by throbbing, uncircumcised members!

Oh, but the Medium Lobster can look no more. Perhaps some day there will be hope... in the wasteland of the coming postgay apocalypse, the last straight man on earth may some day find a means of traveling backwards through time to our more innocent past to stop the Gay Holocaust before it begins... but will our corrupt, gay-leaning forebears, already tainted by the leftist media, listen to his words? Only time will tell... time... and the Medium Lobster...

posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:20 PM

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