Tuesday, February 10, 2004
So there was some technical trouble with the Tim Russert interview that had to do with the unavoidable issue of me sleepin through the first interview and then needing to lock Mr Russert in a kitchen cabinet sos he wouldn't leave while I ran around tryin to find a copy of his interview to watch so I could "bone up" on it so to speak. Then I found this great bagel shop where they sell salsa bagels! Those are bagels made of salsa. The front of the shop shows a rabbi with a sombrero, it's hilarious and delicious! And once you have salsa bagels, you're like "I need salsa ice cream" and there's only one place in town for salsa ice cream, and that's Pequeno Max's so I had to go there, and then by the time I got back Tim Russert had escaped. Sigh.
So I spent most of Monday runnin around chasing big-headed men in suits hoping they were Tim Russert but no, they weren't. I ended up with Chris Matthews instead. Sigh. Anyway here is the interview with him. Sigh.
FAFBLOG: Hey Chris Matthews thank you for being here!
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Yeah! Let's play some hardball!
FB: Wow yes! Your show always makes me feel excited Chris Matthews! I feel like I am let in on all the giddy thrills of bein a Washington insider!
CM: Damn straight!
FB: A Washington insider watching a couple guys talkin about old news on tv! Who needs stupid ol Tim Russert anyhow!
FB: What kind of a name is Russert!
CM: A real dumb name, that's what!
FB: No I am serious. What is a russert? Isn't it like a potato or something?
CM: Yeah I think it's like a Yukon Gold.
FB: Chris Matthews you have a big head. Tim Russert has a bigger head. You are an interviewer-guy. Tim Russert is a more successful more well-respected interviewer-guy. Do you feel there is any accuracy to the charge that Tim Russert has been riding the coattails of his great big head?
CM: Well I don't know if he -
FB: How do you Chris Matthews respond to the critics who say "Chris Matthews is just a poor man's Tim Russert with a smaller big head!"
CM: Aw c'mon, it's -
FB: "What a huge, huge enooooooormous head!"
CM: It's not -
FB: "Which is less respected than Tim Russert's."
CM: You done?
FB: Yes I am. Let's talk politics Chris Matthews! Who do you think would make a good Democratic vice presidential candidate?
CM: Dick Cheney, or George Bush. Bush would make a great veep for Kerry - give him a shot at the border states!
FB: I think I'd be a pretty good VP. I think I'd bring in like Indiana and Florida at least.
CM: You'd take back Alaska easy!
FB: And I could totally "take" Dick Cheney in a debate! Here, you be Dick Cheney and I'll be me. You go first.
CM: Okay. I'm Dick Cheney, Saddam had weapons and we'll find them -
FB: You be quiet Dick Cheney, you are mean and old and ugly! See that was easy. Now, I'll be Dick Cheney and you'll be me.
FB: "Blah blah blah, I'm Dick Cheney. Blah blah blah oil. Blah blah blah Halliburton. Blah blah blah poison the pope."
CM: (making jazz hands) "Woooo, I'm Fafnir, look at me."
FB: That was very good, very effective! I liked the jazz hands.
FB: Okay now Chris Matthews now you pretend to be Tim Russert and I'll be me. Tim Russert, why is Chris Matthews such a dissappointing guest? Why is he not you Tim Russert?
CM: He is me! He's better than me! He's popular no matter what the liberals say and he's a hell of a broadcaster!
FB: Yeah I know but he lacks your gravitas.
FB: Your giant head gravitas.
FB: Oh this is not working out! Chris Matthews cannot help me, no one can fill the hole in my soul left by Tim Russert!
CM: This is damn stupid!
FB: The big-headed hole in my soul.
CM: I want to leave!
FB: Eat your salsa bagel.
Labels: amused to death
posted by fafnir at 5:15 PM