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Thursday, August 11, 2005
Well it looks like everybody's tryin to figure out what John Roberts believes about stuff before they vote for him, which I think is just wrong. This whole nomination thing would be a lot easier if we just stopped askin judges about what they'll do with the vast power we're about to give em and focus on the stuff that matters: Are they nice judges? Are mean judges? Are their children adorable little scamps or perfect little angels? Did they come from an inspirational poor minority background or from an upstanding upper-class white family? What's their favorite color? These are important things to know.
This doesn't mean we can't be tough with our judicial nominees. I think the Judiciary Committee should grade Judge Roberts on a strict hundred-point rubric: twenty-five points for personality, fifteen points for talent, ten points for poise, thirty points for the swimsuit competition, and twenty points for the interview portion, where they should make sure to grill him with tough questions like "If you were a tree how would you use your one wish to save hungry children in our endangered wetlands." Some people are gonna say that's way too much for the interview but I believe in bein tough but fair. Labels: amused to death
posted by fafnir at 5:58 PM
Tuesday, July 5, 2005
Last week Lawrence O'Donnell revealed that he, along with "too many people," had known for some time that Karl Rove had leaked the identity of a covert CIA agent to get back at her whistleblower husband. Like any good member of the press, O'Donnell sat on this information for months to protect the sanctity of reporter-reporter privilege.
As it turns out, there are quite a few criminals and potential criminals in the administration the media would tell you about - if only it could. Sadly, because the media adheres to the very strictest of ethical codes, these felons can never be exposed. As a member of the press, the Medium Lobster has taken it upon himself to list a few of these senior administration officials and the moral quandaries which prevent your press corps from revealing them to you. Names have been changed to protect the guilty. Who We're Not Reporting On: "Fat Albert" What We're Not Reporting: authorized torture to spite annoying co-worker Why We're Not Reporting It: friend's wife knew uncle of source's illegal immigrant nanny - that's fifth-degree reporter-source privilege Who We're Not Reporting On: "Deep Rumsfeld" What We're Not Reporting: sold arms to terrorists to screw with ex-girlfriend Why We're Not Reporting It: explained it all at the club, sounded very sympathetic Who We're Not Reporting On: "Lewis" Libby What We're Not Reporting: murdered sixteen people over a period of ten years as the Zodiac Killer Why We're Not Reporting It: pinky swear from Russert; couldn't break Tiny Tim's heart Who We're Not Reporting On: "Chick Daney" What We're Not Reporting: vaporized tanks, biplanes, and skyscrapers with nuclear fire breath in massive rampage through Tokyo Why We're Not Reporting It: wife makes the most delicious brownies Who We're Not Reporting On: "President George W. Bush" What We're Not Reporting: launched massive war of choice on false pretenses Why We're Not Reporting It: we do what for a living? Labels: amused to death
posted by the Medium Lobster at 5:32 PM
Saturday, July 2, 2005
Man it's a slow news day.
UPDATE! This just in! According to Editor and Publisher, the McLaughlin Group is still on the air! "Giblets does not believe it," says Giblets. "No it's true," says me. "I think it's on PBS." "PBS! Pa-heh!" says Giblets. "Nobody counts PBS!" "Maybe it's a reunion tour," says me. "The fat guy was the heart and soul of that show," says Giblets. "It could never be the same without the fat guy." "That's not fair Giblets," says me. "Mort Kondracke put in some highly competant bass work to say nothing of Eleanor Clift's scorching drum solos." "All of them hacks!" says Giblets. "The McLaughlin Group used to be about fire and love and rebellion! Now they're just sellin out to the man." "I think we expect too much of our heroes," says me. "All that belonged to a different age." "Before they found Charlie Rose OD'd in a hotel bathtub," says Giblets. "Peace, Charlie - wherever you are," says me. "Who are you talking to?" says Giblets. Labels: amused to death, things
posted by fafnir at 2:34 PM
Monday, March 14, 2005
So a hundred years from now me an Giblets are talkin bout Dan Rather.
"Who's Dan Rather?" says Giblets. "He was that guy on the TV," says me. "Yknow that reporter they let read the news." "Giblets rejects your fantastic tale!" says Giblets. "Why would we need a reporter to read the news when we have the sonorous efficacy of the newsmobots!" "I like the newsmobots," says me, "but I can't pick between the gentle lull of the Brokawbot and the knowing wink of the Jenningsoid." "Your antiquated network news droids pale before the might of the cable babblebots!" says Giblets. "Where else can Giblets watch Bad Bill Factor battle Savage Matthews for the right to fight Mad Lord Hannity to the death in the heart of Pundidome!" "Now that's journalism," I says. "It tells a simple yet compelling story that relates to me." "Stories like what's happening to Michael Jackson? What's Michael Jackson doing today? How does the CIA's illegal kidnapping and torture of foreign nationals affect Michael Jackson?" says Giblets. "Dan Rather did a story about torture way back in the day," says me. "I remember that one," says Giblets. "It was like, 'Hey everybody torture is great, you should try it'." "He also did that thing on that dead Kennedy guy," says me. "Oh yeah!" says Giblets. "He was that guy from the Dead Kennedys!" "Sometimes I miss the ol days," says me. "Back when news was new an reporters reported an everybody hadn't got eaten by the Monstrolords." "Our democratically-elected Monstrolords," says Giblets. "And I'm sure they had a very good reason for it." "A good reason that we'll get to watch tonight on the news," says me. Labels: amused to death
posted by fafnir at 8:16 AM
Monday, March 7, 2005
 “God dammit!” says Chris Matthews tossin papers left an right in righteous indignation! “I can’t go on the air with this! I asked for triple-sourced, not double-sourced!”“But Mr. Matthews,” an aide says, “We did our best. It’s only cable.” “No excuses!” says Chris Matthews punchin him out with a bust of H. L. Mencken! “We’re journalists. We need facts, figures, dates! All you’ve got for me is warmed-over rumor and Beltway gossip!” “Well, maybe we can pad out the show with clips of Howard Dean screaming,” says a producer. “Never!” says Chris Matthews throwin him out a window where he explodes! “I’m a newsman, dammit, and I’m here to inform the public about things that matter, not to pander and showboat for ratings! Now we’re gonna get out there and tell the truth!” MATTHEWS: The thing about Laura Bush is that she’s got old-style flair, that old movie star flair, like a Rita Hayworth or a Grace Kelly! Don’t you think that’s true? Don’t you think that’s part of the appeal? GUEST: Well, maybe, but backing up to the Pentagon’s involvement in detainee abuse, the Secretary’s memo shows us just how much – MATTHEWS: Are you tellin’ me as a man you wouldn’t hit that if you had the chance? ‘Cause I’m tellin’ you I would! Take a look at those gazongas! Can I still say “gazongas” or is that not “P.C.” these days? GUEST: I… I really don’t know. MATTHEWS: We’re outta time! When we come back: is Michael Jackson’s penis destroying the Democratic Party? Ron Reagan Jr. and Howard Fineman will be here! “The message got out,” says Chris Matthews. “We told the Truth. But will the people listen?” Only time will tell… time, and Chris Matthews, Star Reporter! Labels: amused to death
posted by fafnir at 9:06 PM
Tuesday, October 5, 2004
Giblets is watching the hard-hitting pre-debate commentary of Chris Matthews' Hardball! and he is already slathering with anticipation for the main show. Will the rock-ribbed cue-balled realpolitik-esque Cheney tear the still-beating heart from the baby-faced dollchild made-of-babies John Edwards in the middle of the debates, or will he cut loose in the opening statement? Will John Edwards's star-power protect him from Cheney's oil-powered death grip, or will his mushy optimism prove no use against against the master of hard sorta-facts?
The Frankensteinian visage of Ron Reagan, Jr. disappears! The chortling starchy head of Chris Matthews fades from view! Dance on your strings, candidates! Deliver knock-out punches! Dance for us! Dance for us NOW! Labels: amused to death
posted by Giblets at 8:51 PM
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Silly Paul Krugman, gettin all worked up about how cable spin will decide how the debates turn out! Our independent news media will do the full objective investigative reportin they always do, an we know this at Fafblog cause we have used the Fafblog Time Machine to cover the debate with our media's best an brightest before it even happens!
FAFBLOG: Wow that was a great debate! What did you think, Future Chris Matthews? FUTURE CHRIS MATTHEWS: A slam dunk for the president, no contest! He knocked this one outta the park! FUTURE BOB SCHNEIDER: I gotta agree with Future Chris, the president came out swinging on this one and he didn't let up! And John Kerry just gave us the usual rambling confusion that's left his campaign floundering for the last couple months! FAFBLOG: Wow, an here I thought he was nervous an stuttering an naked! When did you guys think he clinched it tonight? FUTURE MATTHEWS: Oh, he was on the ball from when he first stepped out on stage and announced his New Clothes Initiative! It was direct, it was forceful, it was optimistic. That's the kinda president Americans want on their TV screens! FUTURE SCHNEIDER: And notice all Kerry had to fall back on was negativity. "Where are these new clothes, nobody can see them, the president's naked, the president has a small penis." This isn't what voters wanna hear! FUTURE TIM RUSSERT: You're right, it's not! And once again it's Kerry taking just another position on the same issue. Yesterday Kerry was saying George Bush was wearing a suit and a tie, but tonight when he's wearing a special multi-billion-dollar invisible suit now he's naked? Voters don't follow this kind of nuance! FAFBLOG: It's very true, it turns my little brain to mush! But was the president naked tonight? FUTURE MATTHEWS: Well that's the beauty part! The president turned it right around and said "My opponent wants to attack my fine American clothes, but his are shabby and made in France." He sticks to playing offense! It's not "Why am I naked?" It's "Why do you dress like crap?" You've gotta admire that! FUTURE RUSSERT: That's right, brilliant strategy on the president's part, and it just goes to show that the Republicans have got a much better team coaching their guy here! Always stay on message, always push it back at the other guy! FUTURE SCHNEIDER: And it raises a valid question, which is where did Kerry get that awful suit from? Was it from France? FAFBLOG: That's a good point, it does look kinda French! An here I was starin at a naked president the whole time! Any criticisms of President Bush tonight? FUTURE SCHNEIDER: My number one criticism of George Bush was that he actually let Kerry off on a number of places. For instance, given that the president had already explained that his magical suit could only be seen by true American patriots, and John Kerry said he could see the president naked, that pretty much means either John Kerry's not a patriot, or he's not American! So which one is it, senator? FUTURE MATTHEWS: Ha ha! Good one! Maybe all that cheap french silk's got to him! FUTURE RUSSERT: Or that tan! FUTURE MATTHEWS: Ha HA! I love you Tim. FAFBLOG: Alright thank you so much for bein with us, future media commentators! Be with us tomorrow when we will continue our future post-debate coverage by askin the question "Was the president's exposed penis actually much larger than John Kerry claimed it was?" FUTURE ROBERT NOVAK: My sources tell me the president's penis is over fifty feet long and constructed entirely of high-tensile steel. Labels: amused to death
posted by fafnir at 9:11 AM
Tuesday, August 3, 2004
So a buncha whiney whiners are whining about how "oh the cable networks didn't cover our convention coverage they only showed a couple minutes of Former World Leader Blah Blah Blah talkin and then they cut away to the much more amusing and telegenic Sean Hannity" well y'know what, Giblets doesn't care. Giblets of course had to sit through these speeches in person* when he covered it last week with his mad journalism skillz and if pundits could have jumped in and interrupted then Giblets would have appreciated it greatly. Is it informative? Giblets does not care. It is entertaining.
Giblets doesn't want facts and updates and in-depth coverage. He wants explosive clashes of mighty titanic forces, like Hannity versus things that look like Hannity with some Colmes in the background! Giblets does not want to see our leaders talk and blither about policy and their plans for the future! He wants to see Bill O'Reilly gettin' red and splotchy while he yells over someone else in the background for bein' a liberal anti-American hatemonger! And Chris Matthews... oh, Chris Matthews! How did Giblets ever survive without Chris Matthews reducing world events to a stream-of-consciousness babble about how Ruth Bader Ginsburg is a hot Hollywood starlet from the fifties with gams that could melt an iceberg?** The best part is that more people become engaged in politics when they are presented in an entertaining and shallow light. For instance Giblets never cared much about political corruption in say the Reagan Administration because that was most about borin' ol' death squads and borin' ol' funding of terrorists. But when it was explained to Giblets later on that political corruption was really about naughty things you do with cigars Giblets was all over that shit! So shut up, whiney people, and let Giblets have his fun. I will take my entertainment over your informed citizenship any day. *at least Giblets heard some of them. Giblets spent much of the convention under a table in a bowl of taco dip. **if it wasn't for Bill O'Reilly and Larry King and Chris Matthews, Giblets would never be able to take the news! Why he might think he was livin' in some distorted caricature of America commanded by a cluelessly amoral administration which embraces a dangerously expansive view of executive power and a tendency to conflate strength and determination with the wearing of large white hats. Whew! Now that would be crazy! Labels: amused to death
posted by Giblets at 3:17 PM
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
So there was some technical trouble with the Tim Russert interview that had to do with the unavoidable issue of me sleepin through the first interview and then needing to lock Mr Russert in a kitchen cabinet sos he wouldn't leave while I ran around tryin to find a copy of his interview to watch so I could "bone up" on it so to speak. Then I found this great bagel shop where they sell salsa bagels! Those are bagels made of salsa. The front of the shop shows a rabbi with a sombrero, it's hilarious and delicious! And once you have salsa bagels, you're like "I need salsa ice cream" and there's only one place in town for salsa ice cream, and that's Pequeno Max's so I had to go there, and then by the time I got back Tim Russert had escaped. Sigh.
So I spent most of Monday runnin around chasing big-headed men in suits hoping they were Tim Russert but no, they weren't. I ended up with Chris Matthews instead. Sigh. Anyway here is the interview with him. Sigh. FAFBLOG: Hey Chris Matthews thank you for being here! CHRIS MATTHEWS: Yeah! Let's play some hardball! FB: Wow yes! Your show always makes me feel excited Chris Matthews! I feel like I am let in on all the giddy thrills of bein a Washington insider! CM: Damn straight! FB: A Washington insider watching a couple guys talkin about old news on tv! Who needs stupid ol Tim Russert anyhow! CM: Yeah! FB: What kind of a name is Russert! CM: A real dumb name, that's what! FB: No I am serious. What is a russert? Isn't it like a potato or something? CM: Yeah I think it's like a Yukon Gold. FB: Chris Matthews you have a big head. Tim Russert has a bigger head. You are an interviewer-guy. Tim Russert is a more successful more well-respected interviewer-guy. Do you feel there is any accuracy to the charge that Tim Russert has been riding the coattails of his great big head? CM: Well I don't know if he - FB: How do you Chris Matthews respond to the critics who say "Chris Matthews is just a poor man's Tim Russert with a smaller big head!" CM: Aw c'mon, it's - FB: "What a huge, huge enooooooormous head!" CM: It's not - FB: "Which is less respected than Tim Russert's." CM: You done? FB: Yes I am. Let's talk politics Chris Matthews! Who do you think would make a good Democratic vice presidential candidate? CM: Dick Cheney, or George Bush. Bush would make a great veep for Kerry - give him a shot at the border states! FB: I think I'd be a pretty good VP. I think I'd bring in like Indiana and Florida at least. CM: You'd take back Alaska easy! FB: And I could totally "take" Dick Cheney in a debate! Here, you be Dick Cheney and I'll be me. You go first. CM: Okay. I'm Dick Cheney, Saddam had weapons and we'll find them - FB: You be quiet Dick Cheney, you are mean and old and ugly! See that was easy. Now, I'll be Dick Cheney and you'll be me. CM: Okay. FB: "Blah blah blah, I'm Dick Cheney. Blah blah blah oil. Blah blah blah Halliburton. Blah blah blah poison the pope." CM: (making jazz hands) "Woooo, I'm Fafnir, look at me." FB: That was very good, very effective! I liked the jazz hands. CM: Thanks! FB: Okay now Chris Matthews now you pretend to be Tim Russert and I'll be me. Tim Russert, why is Chris Matthews such a dissappointing guest? Why is he not you Tim Russert? CM: He is me! He's better than me! He's popular no matter what the liberals say and he's a hell of a broadcaster! FB: Yeah I know but he lacks your gravitas. CM: Huh. FB: Your giant head gravitas. CM: Oh. FB: Oh this is not working out! Chris Matthews cannot help me, no one can fill the hole in my soul left by Tim Russert! CM: This is damn stupid! FB: The big-headed hole in my soul. CM: I want to leave! FB: Eat your salsa bagel. Labels: amused to death
posted by fafnir at 5:15 PM
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