Saturday, February 28, 2004

dir: Mel Gibson
reviewed by: Giblets

Here are the notes I took on "The Passion":

- Wait, this is a foreign film? If Giblets wanted to read he'd buy a book. Jesus.
- Guards beat on Jesus when they arrest him. Serves him right for being a criminal - Giblets is "tough on crime."
- But before the trial, even more beating.
- And the beating continues.
- Y'know what our court procedures need here in America? More beatings.
- Oh, and now they're talking! Booooring. Get back to the beating!
- King of Jews this, messiah that. This is like the part in the porno where the girl is surprised by the pizza delivery guy.
- Pilate is soft spoken, sensitive and thoughtful. I like that in a tyrant.
- Now they're flogging him
- A lot of flogging here
- The flogging is still going strong. Man, Mel Gibson must be really pissed at this Jesus person.
- Wow, Mel Gibson sure does like his flogging, doesn't he?
- About ten minutes into the flogging the Horrors burst free through my little desensitized skull and rampage throughout my brain. Dear god the Horrors!
- Whoops, now I'm used to the Horrors again. Whew, that was close!
- Jesus is now being spat at while he carries the cross up the road. Pretty seriously desensitizing at this point. In fact I'm kind of getting a heady impressionable desire to crucify someone myself.
- The Horrors are now singing to me, "Let's go out to the lobby, let's go out to the lobby, let's go out to the lobby, and get ourselves a snack." Great idea, Horrors. Giblets is feeling like some Raisinettes right now.
- And now a raven eats another cross-guy's eyeball. Shows you for screwing with the Romans, cross-guy!
- Jesus is now dead. I have to say I kind of saw that one coming.
- And wait - now he's back! Back with a vengeance.

The ending's pretty weak - just a setup for the revenge-pic sequel, which should've just been Act 2 of this one - and you never really get introduced to these characters. Who is this Jesus guy? It is implied he is some kind of politician because in one of the flashbacks he's giving a speech. But throw us a real bone here Gibson! Give us an origin story! Bitten by a radioactive God? Strange visitor from another planet born of Mary? Giblets needs context!

I also want to know what happens next to Jesus. After two hours of torture and death he isn't coming back to life just to play nice and absolve sins. No, he is coming back to give the mother of all ass-stompings. But we never get to see it. It's like seeing Dirty Harry's partners get killed off over and over again, and then having the movie end right there. Giblets demands satisfaction! Giblets demands vengeance!

The supporting cast was very underdeveloped. There was some old lady who kept running around pestering Jesus from torture site to torture site, it was kind of weird. Is she the janitor because they show her cleaning up blood, or is she just some sicko who's "into" this stuff? Then there was Mary Magdalene, who was hot, but didn't get nearly as much screen time. Put the hot chick up front, Gibson! Of all the supporting characters, I would have to say the one who comes off the best by far is Pilate. Now of all the Roman tyrants who send thousand of Jews to their agonizing deaths without trial I have to say Pilate has to be the nicest.

A lot of people are asking, "Is this movie anti-semitic"? Well, Giblets doesn't know about that. On the one hand there are mobs of angry crazed Jews hungry for Jesus-blood. On the other hand Mel Gibson has said that the movie is not anti-Semitic, and that he is only portraying events as they occurred. And how can you argue with that.


posted by Giblets at 9:35 PM



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