Thursday, February 19, 2004

People are always asking Giblets, "Giblets, how would you run a major world superpower's foreign policy?" Or rather, people never ask Giblets this, because they are stupid, but if they did, Giblets would respond, "With brilliance and Gibletsianity!"

But with what specific degree of Gibletsianity? What precisely is Giblets's approach to foreign policy? How would Giblets's country treat smaller, dumber, weaker countries? Here is what I refer to as my Giblets Doctrine.

1. The division of the world: Giblets and Non-Giblets The whole of the world can be divided into the Giblets World and the Non-Giblets World. Lefty namby-pamby squishy people made of squish think the Giblets world and the Non-Giblets world can get along just fine. They are wrong, these worlds are at WAR! Why is the Non-Giblets world not Giblets? Because they hate the Gibletsness of Giblets. Because they are evil - and stupid. If you are not with Giblets you are against Giblets and if you are against Giblets you are going to be pantsed on an international scale.

2. The pantsing of nations: How it is best done The Non-Giblets world is evil and stupid but fortunately they are also small and weak and not a mighty superpower blessed with and by Giblets. Thus Giblets has the advantage going into any military conflict. Should there by military conflict between Giblets's nations and enemy nations? Yes, always! Other solutions have been prove to be ineffective against the enemy as (1) we have not bothered to try them much and (2) they sound boring.

But how should military conflicts be conducted? Some favor "light attacks with precision weapons" and some favor "overwhelming force." Both of these are what Giblets strategists refer to as "pussying-out strategies." The enemies of Giblets should be confronted with inexcusably annihilating, or Gibletsian, force. Nuclear weapons should be used in every phase of every battle of every war! Attacking a bunker? Drop a nuke! Fighting in small quarters? Throw a little hand-grenade-sized nuke - these exist, I saw them in Starship Troopers! Shooting people? Shoot them with some kind of nuke! Inject nuclear material into our soldiers so they will turn into giant nuclear things, like the Hulk! There is no excuse not to use nukes if you have nukes. In the end you will have a lot of whiny people saying "Oh but Giblets blah blah blah that will hurt people." Well good. That's what you get for not being Giblets.

3. Nation-building Giblets is opposed to what some call "nation-building." It sounds very boring and keeps armies standing around doing something they are bad at, building things up, instead of something they are very good at, which is knocking things down. Giblets believes in nation-squashing. When one invades a nation, one should not want to rebuild that nation. You should squash it! "But Giblets," say the name squishy whiny people from the last couple points, "what if a new government springs up on its own that is more hostile to Giblets, blah blah blah." To which I say: shut up, you're so stupid! The whole point of nation-squashing is to keep the nation squashed. So you would send in a team of "Peacesquashers" periodically who would blow things up again every time a new government was about to form. See? Nation stays squashed, everyone is happy. Except of course for everyone in the nation being squashed. Who doesn't count because after all they're bad people.

So, there you go. Giblets's guide to perfect foreign policy. Just a taste of what oyu get when Giblets is in charge.
posted by Giblets at 3:59 PM



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