Saturday, October 23, 2004
Steady Leadership In Times Of Change
It's a confusin an frightenin time to be America. Because a 9/11 an these Times Of Change. "Oh no!" says America. "I'm so confused who do I vote for!" You need steady leadership in times a change America. The steady leadership of a big ol dog.
Some other candidates say they are steady but are they really? Or are they just suspiciously french an ketchupy? "Sacre bleu, vive le France," say some other candidates. "Ceci n'est pas une pipe." Well always know where a big ol dog stands on hard issues like terror!" "HRARRGL HRAARRGL GRRRAAARRRGL," says a big ol dog bitin an spittin an growlin at terror. The dog is also tough on other dogs, postal workers, small children, plants an stuff that looks like plants.
A big ol dog has a lotta resolve which you need in a president. When you throw a squeaky toy ball a big ol dog won't just chase the squeaky toy boll. He'll hunt it down an smoke it out! He'll even chase the squeaky toy ball when you don't actually throw it but just pretend to throw it an he won't give up for a long time either! That shows real determination which is important because we cannot wait for evidence of the squeaky toy ball when the evidence could come in the form of a mushroom cloud.
We need a president that will send the right message to the terrorists. A message like "I'm big an tough an I'm not scared of you an I'm determined! Cause I'm a big ol dog!" Man can you imagine Osama bin Laden findin out the president is a really big mean-lookin dog? I bet he would freak. I'm talkin a real big dog.
On November 2 vote for a leader with resolve an determination. For a leader who will face the enemy with aggression an fearlessness. For a leader that will bite you an not let go an you keep hittin it over an over an it just won't stop it is just that resolute. That's a big ol dog. Or come to think of it a gila monster! When they bite you they don't let go til they actually die, I saw it on a Discovery Channel special! Gila monsters are cool.
Fafnir endorses a gila monster.
posted by fafnir at 1:16 AM
Friday, October 22, 2004
The Only Leader Who Can Protect You From Giblets
In the nonstop panic attack that is the modern American national security climate, it is difficult to see who may best lead America... difficult for stupid people! For while many things may be unclear in the heady rhetoric of the campaign season, one thing is certain: Giblets will destroy you if you do not vote for him.
An attack by Giblets is certain. It is not a question of "if" but of "when." The only question left is: which leader do you trust to handle an attack by Giblets? To respond to Giblets? To prevent or pre-empt Giblets? There is only one candidate who understands Giblets and the threat posed by Giblets my friends. And that leader is Giblets.
Other candidates believe that Giblets can be handled with "police operations" or "reduced to nuisance levels." Giblets knows better. Giblets knows Giblets is not a metaphor. Giblets is a threat to Western civilization - a threat to freedom itself! - that only Giblets can curtail. Only Giblets can protect America from Giblets because only Giblets "gets" Giblets. Giblets is a massive world-endangering force of nature and to turn back the force of this awesome Gibletsian tide America must turn... to Giblets.
How serious are John Kerry and George Bush about protecting America from Giblets? As a senator John Kerry voted to cut two billion weapons systems that could have protected America from the impending Gibletsian attack. As president George Bush has set aside no money for counter-Giblets programs. And over the last year of campaigning neither one has mentioned Giblets in a major address except to note that he is "very short."
One candidate is taking Giblets - and the threat of Giblets - seriously. One candidate knows that if Giblets's rivals are elected president he could transform into a pack of ravenous wolves and eat your children. And that candidate is Giblets.
Does America really want to invite certain Gibtastrophe upon itself by electing candidates who are unprepared to lead them against Giblets? Giblets doesn't think so. And that is why America must elect Giblets, and his running mate, Giblets: for security. For safety. For victory.
And then, once he is elected, Giblets can destroy you all.
Giblets endorses Giblets.
posted by Giblets at 11:56 PM
Re-elect the Mascot King
When it comes to the war on terror, America cannot afford to have the wrong man at the helm. The leader of the free world must understand that this clash of civilizations is, above all things, a war of concepts, and he must have the strength and the purity to embrace the boldest possible vision. Now more than ever, America needs a man of ideas in the Oval Office.
George W. Bush is that man. For his administration had not only embraced ideas, it exists, in a sense, only as an idea. It has so rapidly and so readily embraced the boldest of ideas that it has transcended the need for real actions, real plans, real accomplishments, and reality itself.
Any leader could have made the war on terror into a tedious, ongoing struggle to unearth and uproot a multi-tentacled terrorist organization while attempting to heal the rifts between the Muslim world and the West. But George Bush didn't just see the task: he saw the grand idea behind the task, and better still, the vague abstractions behind the grand idea. And he was willing to fight those vague abstractions. Terror, weapons of mass destruction - they may not have been really in Iraq, but the idea of them most certainly was. And that was an idea the world's only superpower had to confront with real troops.
But even in launching a bold, ambitious, and dangerous gamble to remake the Middle East by planting a modernized, liberal democracy in its midst, George W. Bush was determined to let the purity of his ideals stand unsullied by the taint of base reality. He wanted to let the idea of rebuilding Iraq stand free of the messy clutter of plans to realize that idea. What need was there for sufficient troop levels, a trained Iraqi police force, an international coalition or adequate planning when the strength of bold thought was on our side?
And while the reality of Iraq may have steadily deteriorated, the idea of Iraq becomes brighter and brighter every day - and George Bush has stood for that idea, as he has stood for the idea of nuclear proliferation, even while scaling back on Nunn-Lugar and coddling Pakistan; as he has stood for the rebuilding of Afghanistan, even while consistently cutting corners on its funding; as he has stood for protecting the environment, even while gutting a host of environmental regulations dating back to the Nixon era; as he has stood for Homeland Security, even while dangerously underfunding actual security in ports, on borders, and in America's largest cities; as he has stood for civil liberties, even while supporting an amendment to make every gay American a second-class citizen and claiming the right to suspend the Geneva conventions. And in this we see that the George Bush presidency has elevated not only conventional politics, but the presidency itself, to an ideal: the president is no longer an executive who acts, but an Icon, who represents that which ordinary presidents hope to achieve by way of acting.
We can only hope to see George Bush stand for more ideas in his second term: standing for a disarmed Iran, for a more peaceful Mideast, for the prevention of a nuclear 9/11. We hope to see him aided by a newer and even more powerful Cabinet of Mascots: Defense Secretary G.I. Joe, Treasury Secretary Uncle Moneybags, National Intelligence Director Boris Badanov, Transportation Secretary Michelin Man, and Agriculture Secretary Elsie the Cow. And who better to take the reins of the State Department - and stand for reconciliation with our allies - than that representation of dignity, diplomacy and grace, Mr. Peanut?
Indeed, in time it may become possible that the distance between President Bush's ideas and his reality becomes so vast that he achieves pure abstraction - so that he himself is an idea, leading America not from the White House but from the Platonic Realm of Forms, where with but a thought he can eradicate the concept of Terror altogether. And that, my friends, is an idea worth standing for the concept of fighting for.
The Medium Lobster endorses George W. Bush.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:47 PM
Pickin a president is real serious work an while we do it we must weigh real serious questions. How tall should the president be? How often should he wear rolled-up flannel shirts to demonstrate his folksiness? When he quotes the Bible how much of it should be Old Testament stuff an how much should be the softer Jesusy stuff? Can his wife have a funny accent? Should her pants suits make her look like a pretend on-the-go businesswoman or an aggressively inoffensive modern housemarm?
So a course it took us a while for everybody here at Fafblog News Headquarters to weigh all of these super important factors to make our decision, smush it up, an bake it in tasty endorsement form. We hope you like it an take it as it was intended: as the voices of the mighty mighty star-gods returnin to carve the new commandments of the universe into the livin rock.
posted by fafnir at 9:56 PM
Chris has had a bad day at work so we're cheerin him up by hittin him with stuff!
"See Chris?" says me. "Pullin the rickshaw for the fat people isn't as bad as this."
"Or bein mauled by wild dogs," says Giblets.
"Or bein attacked by death squads," says me.
"Or bein dissected alive by organ harvesters," says Giblets. "Now those jobs were way worse! So suck it up Chris!"
"Think of all the starvin children in India who would love to be horribly exploited for your job," says me. "Don't you feel lucky?"
"Think of all the starvin children in India who ARE," says Giblets. "Do you want them to WIN, Chris? Where's your American pride!"
"Yes," says me. "Your miserable wage-slave existence is a proud an shinin star in Old Glory, Chris! Do not let our flag down!"
"Toil for the flag!" says Giblets. "Toil for the flag NOOOOOOW!"
After a couple hours a hittin Chris with a flag we finally dropped him in one a the Work Receptacles to be picked up by his corporate masters for a hearty day's labor. But it occurred to us that some other people might not like participatin in the glorious modern American labor force, which is just awful! So we put together this Inspirational Guide To The World Of Work To Inspire All Workers!
YOUR WORLD OF WORK!
YOUR ATTIRE! Is it a leash or a noose? Why stick to an either/or when you can have a both/and! The necktie was first developed from the "cravat," which was inspired by colorful scarves worn by Croatian mercenaries. Wow - a desperate class of hirelings that would do anything as long as you pay them money, and they wore ties, too! What a crazy coincidence! The cravat was then popularized by the court of Louis XIII, whose work experience included bein born as Louis XIII. His son went on to build Versailles as a charmin weekend getaway.
YOUR JOB! Your job will most likely be boring, repetitive, demeaning, and will vastly shorten your free time, your life expectancy, and your ability to get a better job. But don't worry! If you work real hard you can "climb the ladder" an get paid even more to do more boring, repetitive, demeaning tasks!
YOUR BOSS! Your boss's job is to make sure you spend as much of your life as possible at your job! Your boss spends most of his time talkin to larger, more aggressive bosses. "Boss!" he yells at the other bosses. "Boss boss boss! Boss boss!" He must defend his territory or else one of the larger bosses may close in an eat him. Sometimes he may inflate his hair to three or four times its current size to intimidate his opponents. If he displays his teeth back off quickly.
YOUR GOD! This is your god. You will love it an hate it an it will provide you everythin you need in the world! All it requires is sacrifice - your life, piece by piece, five days a week (or more for those of you in the service industry!), for the rest of your adult life. Don't worry - you get it back by the time you begin to lose regular bladder control! At times Work-God will smile upon you in its bounty. At times it will turn its back on you an you will cry "Money, why hast thou forsaken me?" Time for more overtime.
YOUR ETHOS! Work isn't just a sad long slog for survival! Work is its own reward. You know this because the Puritans told you so, an they were right about everythin that didn't involve burnin Quakers at the stake! When you work you are participatin in the Cosmic Cycle of Productivity in which the hard-workin are rewarded an the lazy are punished. Eventually. With easy entry to top universities, cushy jobs, and public office.
YOUR DESTINY! More of this every day for the rest of your life! And hopefully your children's lives, as we work towards a bold new future consisting almost entirely of part-time and temporary workers devoid of health benefits and working increasingly in low-paying service jobs! Embrace your World of Work!
posted by fafnir at 9:15 AM
Thursday, October 21, 2004
There are seventy thousand dead in Darfur an I'm watchin TV. "Mary Cheney gay," says TV. "Gay Cheney gay. Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay. Tesesa Heinz. Gay lesbian gay." Which is a valid point. Mary Cheney IS gay which is pretty important when you stop thinkin about it.
The Janjaweed militia is killing ten thousand a month and Tucker Carlson an Paul Begala are in my livin room for a Serious Debate on Serious Problems. Did Tesesa Heinz Kerry make fun of Laura Bush? Does that make Teresa Heinz Kerry "a bitch"? "The First Lady is America's wife!" says Tucker Carlson. "We can't let America marry a bitch!" Tucker hits the buzzer sound effect which makes the board light up an reveal eight potential cash prizes! "No whammies no whammies!" says Paul Begala.
I'm still kinda confused cause I'm not sure what this has to do with a girl in the Sudan whose family has been raped and murdered by armed militias but David Brooks has an answer for me! "It's because of the French," he says on my couch with a mouth full of potato skins. "The French and John Kerry." That's funny. I don't remember the French running the Sudan, or the White House either.
Giblets has fallen asleep in the onion dip watchin Larry King Live!, where Dr. Phil is explainin to me about the epidemic of oral sex in our middle schools. "Thousands of blowjobs every day!" says a visibly upset Dr. Phil. "Thousands upon thousands of pert teen lips! Can't you see it, Larry? Can't you see it?" There is genuine hurt on Dr. Phil's face, just like there's genuine hurt on the faces of children orphaned by the mass murderers in Darfur. I wish I could take away Dr. Phil's hurt.
There's a law that's going to make it legal to ship people off to Syria to be beaten with electrical cables and a buildup of nuclear arms in Iraq and North Korea and next month ten thousand more are probably going to die in Darfur. But there's also important stuff to think about, like the bump on George Bush's back an whether he an John Kerry are Jesusy enough. What are you going to care about in the end?
posted by fafnir at 11:02 PM
"We have been banned," says me. "Banned from the Seminole County Public Library."
"Giblets is too much for them!" says Giblets. "They cannot handle the awesome power of his Gibletsian discourse!"
"Why would they want to block Fafblog?" says me. "It's true that some of our pie-related discussions can get quite racy an provocative but that's only because we want to honestly an artistically present it to open-minded readers."
"Giblets says hell with them!" says Giblets. "Giblets has had to cramp his artistic vision to fit into the narrow-minded censorship of the public library system for too damn long! Now it is time for Giblets unchained!"
"It's kinda disappointin cause Fafblog has always tried to be a voice of enlightenin educational family-friendly discussion," says me. "Like in our six-part series Babies and Dingos: Nature's Best Friends."
"Now Giblets's voice can ring out across the vast electronic wilderness without any editorial restraints!" says Giblets. "And his voice says: Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuckity fucky fuck mcfuck!"
"I think the real tragedy here is all the little Seminole children who don't have Fafblog anymore," says me. "How will they learn important life lessons such as what to feed a rhinoceros or what Canada is like or how to skin a buffalo?"
"Giblets shall not just use fuck in every sentence!" says Giblets. "Giblets shall use every part of fuck! He shall use fuck as an intransitive verb! He shall use fuck as a preposition! The city fathers and the graybeard authorities will be left clucking at the audacity of his fantastical menagerie of fucks!"
"It is a terrible thing, censorship," says me.
"Yes but it has given us a great platform on which not to reach children," says Giblets and I agree.
posted by fafnir at 12:37 PM
I was lookin at J. M. Leen's The Two Americas the other day an ponderin the tragedy of our divided nation.
"I wish our country wasn't so bitterly divided," says me. "Then we could join hands together in peace insteada makin effigies to burn."
"Impossible!" says Giblets. "Because half of us are absolutely right an half of us are absolutely wrong!"
"But Giblets we should be able to respect each other's absolute wrongness," says me. "For example right now you're makin that ugly effigy of John Kerry to burn, which is hurtful an mean-spirited. But I'm makin my George Bush effigy to reflect his strong leadership an quiet heartland values so when he burns he burns with pride."
"Well my effigy's French beret is just to help him burn better," says Giblets. "You wouldn't want him to burn slow would you?"
"No I guess that would be cruel," says me.
Did you know that if a Red Stater and a Blue Stater come into contact they will explode an leave behind only a trace of purple goo? It's true! But there is hope. That purple goo can grow up to be a swing vote.
There is more hope. There is hope in bipartisan healing which can still heal the Terrible Divisions an prevent the elections (an the recounts an the e-voting crashes an the court challenges) from breaking our great nation into a thousand tiny warring factions. "Aww," says Giblets puttin down his AK-47. "Giblets wanted a faction all his own."
Democrats, say somethin nice about a Republican!1 Republicans, say somethin nice about a Democrat!2 Libertarians, say somethin nice about some function of the government!3 Greens, say somethin nice about the "corporate duopoly"!4 Naderites, do not vote for Nader!5
Me an Giblets have joined our burnin effigies hand in hand. Feel the bipartisan healing! Look deeply at the Other you had scorned but have now embraced. Deeply. Deeeeeeply. Embrace. An come to understand that in the warming light of universal peace an harmony we are all God's children.
Now punch im in the face over an over an over again! Now you're ready for the election!
1. who isn't John McCain or Lincoln Chafee
2. who isn't Joe Lieberman or Zell Miller
3. that isn't a "night watchman" function
4. without gratuitous use of the word "fascist"
5. no, seriously, don't vote for Nader
posted by fafnir at 8:56 AM
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Lately a buncha people have been talkin about the draft, sayin stuff like "Will there be a draft?" an "Which candidate will be more likely to bring back the draft?" an "Why all this fuss about the draft!" an "We will sue you if you keep talkin bout the draft." Well it can be very confusin especially for young voters who tlevision informs me are mush-brained little squishy things who do not know what politics is an never vote unless there is a draft.
Well that's why you have Fafblog! In conjunction with the Defense Department an the Selective Service we have compiled this handy FAQ to educate you on the draft. Learn and Enjoy!
Q: Will there be a draft?
A: Of course not! Don't be silly! Why are you being so silly? There isn't going to be a draft! Ha ha, we are laughing because the idea is soooo silly!
Q: It seems like you're working on updated plans for an emergency draft of medical personnel...
A: Where did you hear that? That's crazy talk from crazy people! Ha ha! Like the president being an alien! Or the president wearing a wire to the debates! Or creating a half-trillion dollar deficit! Ha.
Q: Which presidential candidate will be more likely to bring back the draft?
A: Draft draft Drafty McDraft! Why are you so worried about the draft! There isn't gonna be a draft! The answer is John Kerry.
Q: What if we invade Iran to shut down their nuclear program? Wouldn't we need a draft then?
A: Of course not! There are lots of ways we could invade Iran that don't involve a draft! We could for example involve powerful robots.
Q: What about non-robot, non-draft solutions to the Iranian nuclear program?
A: We could use clever "reverse psychology" by throwing out all our nukes an gettin all our friends to throw out all their nukes an then go "Hey Iran, are you still tryin to make nukes? Man that is so twenty years ago" an then Iran feels all stupid an goes "well we were just usin them for energy purposes" an we go "well that's what everybody says" an just to prove they're cool Iran throws out their nukes! North Korea too we bet!
Q: I'm feeling less than reassured here.
A: Or we could invade Iraq all over again! The second time we do it, it could really show Iran we mean business and that they should become a liberal democracy right away!
A: Or we could sneak in overnight an hide their nuclear program under a real big tarp!
Q: The military is increasingly overstretched. How can we maintain order in an increasingly chaotic Iraq - much less keep up with President Bush's state-based approach to fighting terror - without dramatically increasing the size of the military? And won't that require a draft?
A: Of course not! Our military is just fine.
Q: National reserve and guard units are being deployed in Iraq. Stop-loss orders are being used to hold military units there for longer and longer periods of time. How can we keep doing this without a draft?
A: The military is like a muscle that needs to be flexed with the exercise of invasion. Longer, more grueling fighting for more troops makes the muscle stronger!
Q: We're currently so short of troops that the Pentagon is sending its training units into combat in Iraq. That isn't a sign of desperation? Phil Carter says this is like "eating your own seed corn."
A: But what he won't tell you is that seed corn is the most delicious corn of all! And filling, too!
Q: But... troop levels...
A: Just look at this tasty, tasty corn! Smeared with hot delicious melted butter! We got enough to stuff ourselves crazy today! C'mon, sit down an have a bite!
Q: Well... maybe just a little...
Q: Is there an elephant in this room?
A: Of course not! How could we miss an elephant in the room? That's so crazy! You've been listening to crazy rumors about crazy elephants on the crazy internet, that's what we think.
Q: Then what's that huge gray animal in the corner with the large flappy ears and prehensile trunk surrounded by heaps of elephant feed, elephant dung, and a sign reading "Do Not Touch The Elephant"?
A: That is an armadillo.
Q: An armadillo?
A: Armadillos can grow pretty big in the wild. You're probably used to seein the American armadillo, sometimes called the midget armadillo, which only grows to be about yea big. This is the African armadillo which keeps growin for most of its life.
Q: Well, it looks like an elephant.
A: Don't be silly! It's an armadillo! Here, look at this picture of an armadillo. Does that look like an elephant?
Q: That's a picture of an armadillo! It looks nothing like an elephant!
A: Well there you go! Now we're gonna go right over here an feed some elephant food to this armadillo.
posted by fafnir at 7:16 PM
I'm in the swing state of Iowa sittin with Morton Crenshaw, the last undecided voter in the state an the man who will decide the election. He's sittin back on his porch drinkin a thick viscous black liquid. It looks delicious!
"Can I have some?" says me.
"How many electoral votes you controllin'?" says Morton Crenshaw.
"Um," says me.
"Getcher own," says Morton Crenshaw.
Earlier I was talkin with swing statologist Dr. Brian Brainologist about the swing state of Iowa. You can tell he's an expert on accounta his real plush chair in his real leathery library!
"Whoever wins Iowa will win this election, period," says Brian Brainologist. "Without a doubt." But surely Dr. Brainologist is exaggeratin because there is also Florida an Pennsylvania an Michigan an Colorado an - "No, Fafnir, those states won't matter," says Dr. Brainologist. "It will all come down to Iowa. All of it. All of it, Iowa." Well, that is an important point I suppose an Dr. Brainologist does have a very large brain so - "NOTHING MATTERS BUT IOWA. ALL IOWA. ALL. IOWA. ALLLLLLL."
Okay okay jeez! So who will win Iowa? To figure this out we drove around Iowa an ate some ice cream an saw some cows. Did you know that there are over sixty-four breeds of cow? Well there are. We got bored after a while an ended up at Dr. Brainologist's again cause his office is open till five an he doesn't get many visitors, which is how we found out about Morton Crenshaw.
"The undecideds have been grabbed up," says Brian Brainologist. "No!" says me. "And the state is too evenly divided," says Brian Brainologist. "No! says me. "It will all come down to one voter," says Brian Brainologist. "One voter in Polk County will decide Iowa which will decide the election which will decide the fate of the world! One man! One man alone!"
"The biddin' starts at five hundred," Morton Crenshaw says. "Five hundred, a couple firm whores, and a night with the wife." He takes another drink a that thick black liquid. It smells a little like licorice. "We'll go up from there," he says. "See who wants to be president more." Direct democracy is a beautiful thing.
posted by fafnir at 2:27 PM
Giblets was outraged to learn that he had lost Vladimir Putin's endorsement of the presidency to George Bush! Putin is a hot new up-and-comer whose free-speech-squelching and authoritarian consolidation of power are almost enough to make Giblets proud, and his credentials on fighting terrorists are impeccable: who knows more about fighting a war on terror than a guy who incited one by launching an unprovoked scorched-earth war on an Islamic republic?
But don't think George Bush has the evil dictator vote all sewn up! See who has just endorsed Giblets!
"Giblets is strong! Giblets is powerful! His sword shall lay open the belly of his foes, and his armies shall march on the bones of his enemies! He shall be like a wall of iron before the terrorists, and shall shatter them with a thousand blows! Giblets shall slay Osama bin Laden, enslave his children, raze his cities to the ground, and sieze his women as his own! Vote for strength! Vote for power! Vote for Giblets! Or die by his hand!"You can keep Arafat, John Kerry! George Bush, you can crawl away with Putin, Iyad Allawi and Pervez Musharraf! Giblets has the hottest dictators around!
(links via Edward Underscore - damn you Edward Underscore! - and Gary Farber - damn you Gary Farber!)
posted by Giblets at 11:16 AM
Much has been made lately of the notion that George Bush suffers from a "reality gap," that he annot accept "facts on the ground" in Iraq or in the war on terror, that he appears "insulated" or "oblivious" or "utterly divorced from reality," that his much-vaunted certainty is nothing more than a hardened and terrible refusal to confront any facts that conflict with his personal view of the world.
As usual, the usual crowd of scurrying, chicken-little liberals have recognized a basic truth while failing to comprehend it. Of course the President has rejected reality. How else is he to control it?
The President's most serious duty is not acting as head of the executive branch, or as commander-in-chief of the armed forces. It is as weaver of worlds. Reality is created by perception, as all enlightened beings understand, and it is the President's job to create this perception, through bold use of suggestion, propaganda, and outright deception. For if the President succeeds in changing enough minds - to believe, for example, that major combat operations in Iraq ended on May 1st, or that Iraq and Afghanistan are flowering democracies, or that the majority of his tax cuts went to the middle class - then that perception will alter the fabric of reality itself, replacing the base, lower reality - in which Saddam Hussein had no connection to al Qaeda, in which no weapons of mass destruction were ever located, in which Iran and North Korea continue to grow stronger and more dangerous, in which one thousand US troops and countless Iraqi civilians have died for a fool's errand - into a bright and glorious one in which noble American might has routed and purged the terrorist menace and made the world a safer place.
Alas, there are saboteurs in our midst, who would try to create an alternate perception - to reinforce base, merely apparent reality over the President's higher, True Reality, to criticize the President - and therefore embolden America's enemies by helping to create a reality in which those enemies are succeeding. These opponents of Truth - liberal Bush-haters, international bureaucrats, former national security experts, journalists, American troops - must be routed before they can use the mystical, reality-warping power of words to bend the world into one that resembles the world we see instead of the world George Bush tells us he sees. The best way for free people to combat this is to lend potency to the President's reality - by creating it with words of their own.
The Medium Lobster will begin this noble work with the following: Victory is declared in Iraq. Indeed, it was declared on May 1, 2003. From this day forth, May 1 shall be a new national holiday: V-I Day, for Victory in Iraq. The Medium Lobster looks forward not only to the peaceful democracy of Iraq's peaceful transition to democracy, but to November 3, which, I understand, will be declared by the President to be V-T day - Victory over Terror, when the United States will stand victorious over its most dangerous enemies.
Once again, the Medium Lobster must wonder of John Kerry - a so-called "realist," one obsessed with facts and figures, with the reality of "facts on the ground" - is this a man Americans should trust with their country? Or is this a man not bold enough - not strong enough - to repeatedly reject the evidence of his senses? The Medium Lobster leaves the answer with you, while he celebrates the continuing freedom and security of the people of Iraq.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:57 AM
Saturday, October 16, 2004
So some a you may not've noticed but the Red Sox have been playin the Yankees!
"Hooray!" says me wavin a bipartisan foam finger. "May the best team win."
"Nooooo!" says Giblets. "The Yankees suck and shall be doomed - ONE DAY - by a RIGHTEOUS GOD in whom Giblets believes VERY DEEPLY - to an eternity of HELLFIRE!"
"But Giblets how can the Yankees suck if they have beaten the Red Sox so many times?" says me.
"That is not what sucking means!" says Giblets. "Sucking is a moral property! It does not reflect what the Yankees have done but what the Yankees intrinsically are. And they are intrinsically evil and suck!"
"I am not sure about your theory of sucking Giblets," says me. "I always believed sucking was reducible to natural properties such as double-parkin your car or stiffin your roommate on rent or leavin in Pedro Martinez for too long."
"No!" says Giblets. "Sucking is an objective irreducible moral property an we can intuit when sucking is present! It is an objective moral truth that the Yankees suck!"
"But Giblets why would so many sucky Yankees be beloved by so many New Yorkers?" says me. "An why would so many sucky Yankees be rewarded with so many pennants?"
"There is no such thing as suckical subjectivity!" says Giblets. "The Yankees suck no matter how much society has approved of and rewarded their sucking!"
"Maybe objective sucking does not really exist," says me. "An we are makin false statements when we say that a team sucks or rules."
"How can you say sucking doesn't exist!" says Giblets. "That would mean George Steinbrenner could not suck!"
"It's true that we want to say that George Steinbrenner sucks," says me. "But maybe when we say he sucks we're just expressin our very strong emotional dislike of George Steinbrenner for bein a bastard an firin Billy Martin five times."
"Well Giblets does not want to live in a world without laws of objective truth!" says Giblets. "A world where the Yankees don't suck is a world of celestial anarchy!"
"An where does the curse come in Giblets?" says me.
"It is God's mighty test to us," says Giblets. "His ways are strange an mysterious an cruel an we cannot fathom them but one day - one day! - he will reward us with the World Series an a seat at the right hand of the Father. Or else it is a curse laid on us by Babe Ruth an it won't go away until we exhume an desecrate his corpse with arcane rituals."
"Is that why we've got the shovels an the wooden stake?" says me.
"Yes," says Giblets. "And now we dig."
posted by fafnir at 10:58 AM
Friday, October 15, 2004
The Medium Lobster was appalled, just like the rest of perpetually-outraged America, to see John Kerry mention that Dick Cheney has a gay daughter Wednesday night. For there is no greater offense one can make to an openly gay person than to make note of their gayness.
Dick and Lynne Cheney are right to be outraged, as are sincere and heartfelt gay rights' advocates Glenn Reynolds and Mickey Kaus. And this outrage comes not because they feel that homosexuality is shameful or icky or full of cooties. It is because they know that the greatest shame one can bring to a lesbian is to note their existence.
Before John Kerry's terrible words, Mary Cheney only had to be gay to her family, her friends, the Coors Corporation, the staff of Bush/Cheney Re-Elect, and the gay community at large to whom she acted as a liason. But John Kerry made her gay to the entire world, effectively making her more gay than ever before.
There is an obvious solution here - but only part of it involves the trial of John Kerry as a thought criminal. Good solutions are proactive, not reactive, and the problem with Mary Cheney was not merely that her admitted sexuality could be mentioned on national television. It was that she could be seen at all, allowing anyone who looked at her to realize she existed - and possibly realize she was gay.
This is not merely Mary's dilemma. This is the dilemma of millions of open lesbians across America: how to utterly conceal their existence from view. The solution must be simple, yet effective. It must wall all lesbians up in utter darkness, away from all sight. Like a closet, if you will.
Fortunately, associates of the Medium Lobster have already prepared such a solution in a comfortable, full-body garment able to easily bury any trace of a lesbian's sexuality beneath yards of cloth. They call it the Lesburka, and the Medium Lobster is confident that its use on Mary Cheney and lesbians across the country will restore the pride of Dick and Lynne in a heartbeat.
Labels: the rainbow peril
posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:19 PM
Voting? Ha! Giblets cares not for voting one way or another! Go into your little booth! Punch your little chads! Walk away thinking "Oh I have done my civic duty! Oh I am fat and stupid! Oh I smell like a ham!" In the end your precious little vote will be meaningless because Giblets will destroy you.
On November 3rd Giblets will seize control of the United States the sheer primal force of his Gibletsian will and toss it onto his pile of conquered nations! All who defy Giblets will be rounded up by his mighty Giblobot servants as enemies of Gibletocracy and locked within the Fortress of Insolence, where they will be beaten with rods and scoured with flames and forced to watch other people eat delicious cookies while goin "Boy these are delicious cookies! Do you have any delicious ice cream to go with these delicious cookies? Why I think these are the most delicious cookies ever!"
Old rivals of Giblets's will be punished and tormented in a cruel and ironic manner! George W. Bush will be sentenced to a lifetime of cleaning out stables of corpulent war-hippos at Giblets's rustic Texas ranch! John Kerry will be forced to maintain international relations throughout Giblets's grand coalition by serving as a UN bicycle messenger boy! Ralph Nader will be allowed to roam free, where his constant assertions that Giblets is no worse than the Democratic Party will serve to torture Giblets's few remaining enemies even more!
As for you, the voter? You will be forced to bow. To bow before Giblets. Those who do not bow will be destroyed - crushed under tons of war-hippo dung!
But all this can be avoided. Avoided by voting for Giblets.
Those who vote for Giblets will be rewarded in the new Gibletsian order! For although you will be enslaved along with your fellow citizens you will be rewarded mightily by demonstrating your allegiance to Giblets! Rewarded with a special position as a Slave-Plus. You will get easy work in Giblets's palaces: dancing for Giblets, bowing for Giblets, putting on puppet shows for Giblets! Think of how good you will have it! All of your friends will look at you and go "Now there's an up-and-comer! No salt mines for him!"
And you will live in luxurious, opulent non-torment the rest of your days. Until you anger Giblets.
And then Giblets will destroy you.
posted by Giblets at 6:14 PM
The bias of the mainstream media has become a palpable, poisonous thing of late. Unabashedly opinionated, today's journalists and pundits wear their prejudices on their sleeves, denouncing any idea that conflicts with their own as "unamerican." In this toxic atmosphere, dissent is crushed, activism stifled, and beliefs out of sync with "the norm" are derided as radical and even treasonous. In this foul environment, is it any wonder that anti-voting activism has been almost universally smeared as "voter fraud"?
The silent, moral majority of Americans have come down again and again on the side of the non-voter, and yet they are derided repeatedly as "apathetic," as "cynical," as "grossly uninformed and uninterested," as "fat-assed lazy bastards who refuse to give a fuck." No one is speaking for this majority but the anti-voter activist, courageously defying centuries of hidebound federal law to take a stand against the practice of voting.
With every voter registration card they shred, with every eligible voter they strike from the rolls, these patriots are taking a stand - not only against voting, not only against change, but against the very possibility of voting, against participation in a process that might somehow allow for change. They recognize, like most voting and non-voting Americans do, that the best course is to stay the course: to allow 96% of Congress to win re-election in a walk, to keep the same leaders they've been pissed at for years, een decades.
Indeed, not only is anti-voter activism a valid political stance, it is, in these troubled times, the correct one. In the Global War Against Islamism, the United States cannot waver in its dedicatio to a unilateral, state-based approach to fighting asymmetrical, non-state threats. And yet, the opportunity to vote for John Kerry could open that terrifying Pandora's box. For a John Kerry presidency would most certainly result in the defeat and destruction of Freedom as we know it.
While the right to vote is sacred, it would turn to ask in the fires of Muslinazism. Voter fraud valiantly protects Americans from this possibility by removing that right in order to safeguard it.
Once before, the Medium Lobster addressed this issue, specifically with regards to the possibility of postponing the election to prevent a Demacratoterrorist victory. Alas, the Bush Administration, cowed by the lobbying powerhouse that is Big Voter, moved nowhere on this pressing issue. It is up to patriotic citizens like Voters Outreach of America to take matters into their own hands. Save Freedom. Save Torpidity. Stop the Vote.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 6:07 PM
So lately I've been hearin a lotta people goin "Oh Fafnir what is the point a votin? My vote will not matter, blah blah blah. I am small an weak an easily devoured by predators, blah blah blah. Perhaps I should just shred my own voter registration card or perhaps vote for Ralph Nader."
An I go Shut up people! You stop bein small an weak an listen to why you should vote! "Oh no we are afraid of the enraged Fafnir" you say cause you're so small an weak. That's better! Now of course your vote counts!* So listen up cause today we're gonna FAF THE VOTE! with some neat little bipartisan arguments for getti out there an votin!
The Argument From Coolness
Voting is cool! In fact it is so cool that you should want to be more cool by voting as well!
Many voters are cool. Look at Chief Justice William Rehnquist of the Supreme Court! He's really cool an he votes all the time! In fact last election his vote counted extra! He's just that cool!
The Argument From Celebrity Endorsement
TV's Jeff Probst
"Hi, I'm TV's Jeff Probst! You may know from NBC's 'Survivor' how important voting can be! If we don't vote, none of us will be 'Survivors' - of democracy! Now eat this bucket of worms, you're on TV!"
Intriguing and enlightening Mr. Probst! I hope all of us out there learned an important lesson today.
"Ho ho ho! Voting is your civic duty, boys and girls! You can make a difference, as long as you live in a swing state and don't throw away your vote on a third party! Ho ho ho!"
Santa you terrify me and I will obey your every command!
Why that is a persuasive and convincin argument there Ms. Spears! I feel like a cold cool refreshin Pepsi right now in fact.
The Argument From Fear
This argument breaks down into three subarguments. Please pay attention accordingly.
For Old People:
"Bah, I'm old, I don't care about people get me my ointment!" say the old people. But you should care old people because the next president could Destroy Social Security! "Oh no!" say the old people. That's right you are terrified because you are so old an frail an you need your Social Security to survive but what if the next president is an evil president who's all "blah blah screw social security" where will you be then, old people? You will be poor an lonely an cold with no one to talk to, that is where.
For Young People
The next president could draft you! Draft you into a horrible meaningless war in a horrible meaningless hellhole like Whorecrapistan, a country made entirely of land mines an poison an constantly erupting volcanoes occupied by feuding warlords, fundamentalist religious groups an strongly nationalistic guerillas who see the US intervention as a ploy to exploit their rich supply of magma. Vote, young people, or that could be you!
For Everyone Else
You could be eaten. By bears. By giant ferocious bears. What if the next president turns out to be a man-eatin bear in a clever plastic disguise an you're all "Hello Mr President" an he's all "Why hell there citizen I RAAAARRR" an then eats you cause he's a giant man-eatin bear? Man you'd feel stupid then, not havin voted against the man-eatin bear! Vote vote vote!
The Ontological Argument
"Now we believe that [the Lord] is something than which nothing greater can be imagined... And certainly that than which a greater cannot be imagined cannot be in the understanding alone. For if it is at least in the understanding alone, it can be imagined to be in reality too, which is greater... Therefore if that than which a greater cannot be imagined is in the understanding alone, that very thing than which a greater cannot be imagined is something than which a greater can be imagined. But certainly this cannot be... There exists, therefore, beyond doubt something than which a greater cannot be imagined, both in the understanding and in reality."
Wrong, St. Anselm! By that argument there must exist a pie such that no greater pie can be imagined, which therefore must exist. Stupid St. Anselm! Mmmm... Godpie.
*except maybe in Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, DC, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, Nebraska, New York, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, North Dakota, South Dakota, Rhode Island, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, or Wyoming
posted by fafnir at 4:38 PM
Well between some unexpected voter fraud in Arizona an Nevada this week an the Republican National Committe gettin steamed at Rock The Vote there's been a lotta talk about voting an not-voting an "extra special voting" lately. Is voting good? Is voting bad? Does your voting matter? When you shred somebody else's voter registration card do you make Uncle Sam cry or do you just make Big Daddy Partisan Tricks happy? Tricky questions!
We're gonna take a look at these issues today with another edition of Point, Counterpoint, Counter-Counterpoint. I'll go first cause I have the most Buddha-nature. The Medium Lobster will go second cause he has the second most Buddha-nature. Giblets will go last cause he met the Buddha on the road an ate him.
Pay strict attention: this is educational an for the benefit of democracy!
posted by fafnir at 4:36 PM
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Well last night was the Third Presidential Debate an therefore the last most important thing that will happen ever for the rest of time.* This means things will be borin from now on cause there won't be Big Important Events in the presidential campaign.
"Oh no!" says you. "That means there will be nothin but years' worth of issues and records to look at to help me decide who to vote for! What do I do!"
Don't worry Undecided Voter there are plenty of meaningless but fun things that will come up in the meantime to help you cast your vote! Even as we speak political operatives are helpfully choppin every bit of substance out of last night's debate an packaging it into convenient soundbite form! These soundbites will then be taken even further out of context by rival spinners and talking heads until they are told an retold, like the great epics of oral tradition, or a game of Telephone! That's why you might hear Chris Matthews say "John Kerry voted to bust spending caps 277 times radish pinky octopus."
Here is a preview of Reasons To Vote just to get you started!
REASONS TO VOTE FOR GEORGE BUSH!
REASONS TO VOTE FOR JOHN KERRY
So don't worry, undecided voter! There's lotsa important things out there that we'll get to talk about in the next coupla weeks! With any luck we won't have to talk about borin ol stupid ol "issues" at all!
*unless any more important campaign ads are released that demand the attention of the Fafblog News Team! Like one that says that John Kerry is a liberal or that John Kerry is a terrorist or that John Kerry is gay. Or MAYBE one that says John Kerry is a gay liberal terrorist! "Hi my name is John Kerry an I am having gay sex with Osama bin Laden while planning to raise taxes on your aborted fetuses an I approve this message." That would really give me insight into who I should vote for.
posted by fafnir at 5:55 PM
You have seen Giblets angry. And you have seen Giblets cranky. And you have seen Giblets wrathful. And you have seen Giblets hungry. Like when he's ordered a pizza and it hasn't shown up or somesuch.
But now you will see Giblets furious. For John Kerry has pulled a cheap and tawdry political trick. He has brought up the fact that Dick Cheney has an openly gay daughter.
And when John Kerry did that, he got personal. And he did it for filthy, personal, political reasons. How much more personal can you get than by dragging someone's sexuality into the political arena to score a couple cheap political points? And how much more political can you get to use minority status to divide a country? And how much cheaper can you get than to write off a minority of Americans, to hack away at their Fourteenth Amendment rights, just to appeal to your political base? And how much more extreme can you get than to enshrine that political base's prejudices in the United States Constitution?
"Wait a second are we still talkin bout John Kerry?" says Fafnir.
Yes of course we're still talkin bout John Kerry! The horrible John Kerry who get personal in last night's debate. Who got personal about the issue of denying rights to Americans based on their sexuality.
What John Kerry did to Dick Cheney's daughter last night was cheap and tawdry. Almost as cheap and as tawdry as when her parents used her to elect the man who wants to make her a second-class citizen.
But Giblets likes 'em anyway 'cause they say they're better at killin' Arabs.
posted by Giblets at 2:31 PM
Fafblog has been down an out for a couple days but we are back with delayed DEBATE BLOGGING! Like normal I speak in straight-forward normal type an Giblets speaks in the sinister voice of slanty-speak.
Will we ever be as safe an secure as we did when Bob Schieffer grew up, Giblets, under the threat of instant nuclear annihilation?
It's hard to say, Fafnir. But one thing is certain: Freedom is on the march. At home and in Iraq and in Afghanistan - now in well-armed warlord form!
Freedom also GROWS in Afghanistan! Those aren't just poppies, Giblets. They are poppies of democracy. Bloom on, sweet opiates of liberty! Bloom on!
Compassion is on the march too as George Bush is pointing out. We now have "armies of compassion." This isn't your wimpy, pussy compassion, Fafnir. This is compassion with guns. This is a KILLIN' compassion!
But which is stronger Giblets? Compassion or freedom?
Freedom could totally smoke compassion in a fight. Better armed, more superior firepower, and just a whole lot nastier an stronger. I hear compassion lost over a thousand troops in Abu Ghraib alone.
George Bush asks us to get the flu for the good of the country, just like he will. Good for you George Bush! I'm gonna start lickin strange surfaces right away!
He also points out that John Kerry's health care plan will require thousands of government cyborgs to be stationed in your homes to inject you with penicillin every day. Well what if I don't LIKE forced penicillin injections, John Kerry?
That's a very good point Giblets. Now John Kerry keeps talkin about "pay as you go." An George Bush keeps talkin about "Paygo." What is Paygo, Giblets?
I believe that Paygo is the Filipino god of fire, retribution an tax hikes who is predicted in the ancient tomes to return to afflict the earth with plagues of frogs, deadly flames, and big government regulation. Bow before his blood-drenched Satanic Majesty!
It's interesting to see John Kerry make a play for the pagan idolatry vote like this Giblets. Will it pay off?
It was probably a bad move on Kerry's part, Fafnir. But he did make a strong appeal to soul-crushing liberals who want the government to take over all aspects of life through health care tax credits, an that could help him in Michigan.
Well you have to remember Giblets that John Kerry is the most liberal senator from liberal Massachusetts an he is even more liberal than Senator Liberal P. McLiberal which is so so liberal!
I think a lot of Americans will look at John Kerry's record after this debate and say "Man - a liberal! He voted three thousand twenty-two times to support the 'I Love Being A Liberal!' Resolution! I can't vote for him!"
Wow it must suck to be the president. George Bush wanted so hard to get that assault weapon ban renewed but he was just completely powerless to do anything about it.
Yes, Fafnir. Completely powerless before the titans of Congress. Which is controlled by the Libertarian Party right now, I believe.
There has been so much division in America over the last few years. How did that happen? I mean the president passed No Child Left Behind with his good friend Ted Kennedy an now he is bein opposed by horrible liberally liberals like Ted Kennedy.
Sounds like those bastard Libertarians again, Fafnir.
Now it's time for the God Round! Does God hate John Kerry cause he's in favor a killin babies? How much does God hate John Kerry? Is votin for John Kerry a mortal sin, or just a venal sin? Or to put it in a positive light: Does John Kerry feel confident about winnin the Atheists and Heathens vote?
Kerry disappointed on that one. He really needs to talk comfortably about his faith more. Like George Bush does when he says "Being gay is a choice between Americans, their God, and the holy fire that consumes their cities."
But notice how the president was very compassionate on that one, talkin bout how gay people have the freedom to be gay. They just don't have equal protection under the law as a result of that freedom.
But Kerry's not gettin all the tough questions here! How will he handle Schieffer's hard-hittin "If God was a tree what kinda tree would he be" question?
Giblets thinks he knows the answer to that one. Freedom on the march? Army of compassion? God would be a tree with guns, man. With great big guns.
Wow the hard questions just keep comin! Do President Bush an John Kerry love their wives Giblets? I was really wonderin about this one.
Gotta give this one to Bush, Fafnir. I mean, sure, both men love their wives and their families. But didn't Kerry divorce his old wife? Isn't that a flip-flop? And Giblets got a little "...and she's a real bitch" vibe right after the "strong women" crap.
That's very true, Giblets. An you can't pick a president without thoroughly evaluating his relationship with his wife.
John Kerry says he'll kill the terrorists, kill the terrorists, kill the terrorists. Well, talk's cheap, Kerry! You gotta pop one yourself before the initiation is complete!
President Bush has a picture on his wall. A picture of Optimism. Do you believe in Optimism? Because Optimism means votin for President Bush. If you vote for him he will show you what Optimism looks like.
I hear it looks like a sunrise. An underemployed, undereducated sunrise lacking many essential constitutional protections. But a sunrise nonetheless.
An that concludes the Presidential Debates! Have you decided who to vote for based on them, undecided voters? If so then may God have mercy on our souls.
posted by fafnir at 1:35 AM
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
"Is Roe v Wade our Dred Scott?" says me. "Have we enslaved the fetus?"
"Nonsense!" says Giblets. "Giblets pays his fetuses decent pay for decent work."
"But Giblets those fetuses can't really live off what you pay them," says me. "Some a them have to work two or three jobs just to feed their families."
"Giblets gives his fetuses plenty of perks!" says Giblets. "They get half hour lunch breaks and Fetus Appreciation Days and complimentary paper clips and mugs with amusing slogans like You Don't Have To Be Crazy To Be Unborn Here But It Helps."
"But those are all part-time or temporary fetuses," says me. "You aren't givin em health or disability benefits. Where is the culture of life? Where is the culture of livin wage?"
"You can't force Giblets to raise the cost of fetus labor!" says Giblets. "That is a violation of the sacred constitutional right to free enterprise! Keep your laws off Giblets's business!"
"But you must respect the rights of the fetuses you employ," says me. "For he who would be no slave must be content to have no slave."
"Indeed," says Abraham Lincoln.
"Aaaah! Zombie Lincoln!" says us an we pump im fulla lead.
"Do you think the dead will ever be given the full rights of the living, Giblets?" says me after we finish burning Zombie Lincoln.
"Man I hope not," says Giblets. "How could we keep using them, then?"
posted by fafnir at 4:54 PM
Giblets is sittin in the pumpkin patch waitin for Osama bin Laden. Sigh. He does this every year.
"Giblets you will catch cold," says me. "Osama isn't comin this year."
"Yes he will yes he will!" says Giblets. "Every election Osama bin Laden flies around the world to visit the least sincere pumpkin patch and its political campaign and he'll visit Giblets's this time!"
"Giblets you also said he'd come in 2000 with pictures of George Bush's secret gay lover and in 1992 with Bill Clinton's illegitimate baby," says me.
"This time he really will come," says Giblets. "This time Giblets has the least sincere pumpkin patch ever! It puts politics ahead of national security even while claiming to be a national security pumpkin patch! It even fights the Iraq War by the election schedule! Osama has to come, he just has to!"
"I think you're bein very silly," says me. "An I'm gonna go inside an get some cocoa."
"Giblets is gonna wait all election night if he has to!" says Giblets. "You'll come, Osama bin Laden! You just have to!"
posted by fafnir at 9:19 AM
Sunday, October 10, 2004
So today I'm supposed to be in the swing state of Ohio reportin from the swing state of Ohio observin all its swing state dynamics an of course cause a Reporter Authenticity an other big important stuff actually coverin this story from the actual swing state of Ohio only I couldn't do that today on accounta there's a real big dog outside tryin to eat me.
"Do you think John Kerry's debate performance has helped him in Ohio dog?" says me to the dog through the screen door. The dog goes "HRARL HRARL HRARL" fulla huge horrible angry Fafnir-eatin slobber an I run an hide in the couch. There is so much anger in the dog. Divided partisan anger like in the swing state of Ohio.
I wasn't plannin on interviewin the dog today but I had to yell for the dog to chase away the cat that woulda run off with me an I had to lure the cat to scare off the birds who mighta used me to fashion a nest for their young. This is pretty much what happened in Borneo back in the fifties. An in a sense it is what is happenin to Ohio. Who let the dogs out, Ohio? The dogs of division an electoral politics an farm subsidies? An will those undecided dogs lean closer to a Bush vote or a Kerry vote? I am sure I could answer all those questions an more if there wasn't a huge dog standin on my porch.
"Can George Bush win without Ohio this year dog?" says me. "HRARL HRARL HRARL" it goes again. There's also a lotta teeth an fleas in the dog. Teeth an fleas like in the swing state of Ohio. The first candidate to calm down this dog will probably not affect the election much one way or another. But I'll give him like ten bucks.
posted by fafnir at 6:54 PM
Jacques Derrida died yesterday. We threw a Deathday Party to undermine the hegemonic life/death binary but for some reason everybody was still kinda sad.
"I don't get it," says me. "How could Derrida die? He was a social construct."
"True," says Giblets. "Nothing is outside the text, including Derrida."
"Then he couldn't die," says me. "After all if he did he would be reinforcin the hegemonic Dead Derrida/Live Derrida binary."
"We must deconstruct Derrida's death!" says Giblets. "Beginning by inverting the privileged duality! Derrida is alive!"
"He's stuffin his face with cake right now over there!" says me.
"Mmmfff," says Derrida. "Waffff uppppf fellaf."
"Derrida stop eatin all our cake!" says Giblets. "That cost good money!" Man that Derrida's always been a greedy bastard.
posted by fafnir at 11:05 AM
Attention Internet! The Poor Man has alerted Giblets to the fact that the director of "Going Upriver: The Long War of John Kerry" has now placed this film online, free for download, right here.
Well, Giblets is outraged! And as Ruler of the Internet he declares that none shall be able to watch this film because Giblets will not show it! He is pulling it from its internet timeslot because it is too political.
But do not despair, documentary-lovers. For Giblets is going to air across the entire internet two documentaries on his opponents the day before the election - one entitled "Spitting On Veterans: How John Kerry and a Bunch of Commies Disgraced the Noblest War Effort Ever," and another called "Dubya Does Dallas: Two Guys, a Dwarf and a Dog in 1972." Viewing is mandatory.
posted by Giblets at 10:31 AM
Saturday, October 9, 2004
The Second Presidential Debate Ever this year took place tonight! Who won? Who lost? Who had presented a very presidential demeanor for much of the night until in the last moments of his closin statement began speakin in tongues, declarin war on the Dominican Republic an projectile vomiting on moderator Charlie Gibson? Here is a Fafblog Special Roundup for those a you who missed it.
Who won? Who knows! Only television can tell us that! We will be with you until that excitin development emerges.
posted by fafnir at 8:27 AM
Thursday, October 7, 2004
We're deep in the savage jungle trackin fearsome beasts. Giblets has the elephant gun an the binoculars. I got the juice box an the pretzels! We are huntin big game.
"Gimme the pith helmet!" says Giblets. "Giblets needs to look bold."
"Giblets we agreed to share the pith helmet," says me. "We alternate every hour on the hour an I still get to look bold till three o clock."
"Three o clock is beneath Giblets!" says Giblets. "Giblets must cut a strikingly anachronistic figure now or we will never capture our ferocious prey!"
"We have already captured many ferocious prey Giblets," says me. "Think of the sandwiches."
"True," says Giblets. "The corned beef on rye was a magnificent beast an put up a fantastic struggle we will remember all our days! But Giblets seeks greater glory!"
"I bet we can hunt some bagels," says me an we do.
The jungle is beautiful but dangerous an we have already lost twelve men to fierce predators such as the bus which cleverly tricked Weedy an Wict into gettin on it when we were supposed to take the subway. Me an Giblets threw bamboo spears at it but it dove back into the thick underbrush. You will be avenged Weedy an Wict!
"We must track it to its lair," says me. "To the secret bus matin grounds."
"Giblets hunts for bigger prey!" says Giblets. "Giblets is not satisfied with mere buses. He must hunt the most dangerous game!"
"The most dangeous game is Rock em Sock em Robots," says me. "Cause if you really knock a robot's head off you could release deadly robot radiation."
"Robots are nothing to Giblets!" says Giblets. "He will vanquish them with one blow of his pith helmet!"
"Not till three o clock," says me sittin in the pith helmet.
"Then Giblets will hunt the second-most-dangerous game," says Giblets. "Which is Hungry Hungry Hippos."
"All this anti-hippo sentiment," says me. "People go 'Oh the hippos they are so terrible' but if people fed them they would not be so hungry an dangerous."
"You can't beat hippos with blankets an love!" says Giblets. "This is a war between civilization an hipposism! Gimme the Panama hat! Giblets needs to look moderately intrepid."
"Giblets we agreed to share the Panama hat," says me sittin in the Panama hat.
"Stupid sharing," says Giblets.
The promisin trail of bus droppings has thinned out an lead to a small clearin but when we get there the buses are fleein from a larger an more ferocious predator who has staked out the waterin hole as its own territory. It is a Chrysler Building!
"I think it is restin," says me. "Probably after a large meal of office workers."
"We will never come across such a fearsome creature again!" says Giblets. "We must take it now!"
"I dunno Giblets," says me. "Maybe we shoulda started out smaller with like lions an squirrels an stuff."
"What are you crazy? Those things have teeth," says Giblets.
"Oh no!" says me. "It has seen us! It's turnin this way!"
"It is charging at us!" says Giblets. "It is charging at us veeerrrrrry slowly!"
"Quick use the binoculars!" says me.
"These binoculars have no effect!" says Giblets.
"Quick use the pretzels!" says me.
"These pretzels are unloaded!" says Giblets.
All we have left is the juice box but it is just enough! A direct hit an the Chrysler Building lets out a terrible roar thrashin in its death throes before fallin finally still.
"It was a magnificent beast," says Giblets.
"Yes it was," says me. "We came to commune with its savage beauty an love it like a brother before we brought it down."
"I think we should leave it here," says Giblets, "as it is several thousand times larger than us an difficult to carry."
"Agreed," says me. "We will stuff an preserve it on our next trip."
Next time we will capture an tag a group of taxis to study their fascinatin migratory patterns. There is always more to learn from the strange an savage yet beautiful world of the jungle.
posted by fafnir at 9:17 PM
We'll be out for most of today doin stuff.
"You can't make Giblets wash the elephant," says Giblets. "Giblets washed the elephant last time."
"Giblets you gotta be responsible," says me. "Remember the talk we had when you were all 'oh I will be good an clean an feed my elephant if only you give me an elephant'?"
"Stupid elephant," says Giblets.
There are important things to read elsewhere especially here and here and here. It's very sad to be getting kind of numb to the idea of legalizing torture in America. Please, please don't let that happen.
posted by fafnir at 11:49 AM
Wednesday, October 6, 2004
My fellow Gibletsians: Giblets greets you. BowbeforeGiblets.
This election Giblets faces two remarkable opponents. Remarkable in their unworthiness before Giblets! They have been tested by trained Gibletsian scientists who wear lab coats and goggles and everything and been proven to be liberal - grossly disgustingly Liberal! They are the two most liberal presidents and senators in the history of mankind! And that includes Senator Libby P. McLiberal of Liberalland who is really damn liberal! Science does not lie look at those beakers!
You do not want them to replace your Giblets. And not only because of their icky liberalness - but because of their flip-flappiness. Why just yesterday George Bush and John Kerry changed their positions on sleep - twice. First they were for being asleep. Then they were for being awake. Then they were for being asleep again. Some people can never make up their minds.
These are not the kind of leaders we need steering Giblets's great nation. Because they are liberal. Because they are weak. Terrifyingly weak, while Giblets is strong.
Giblets can bench press a truck. With his mind.
You doubt Giblets? Giblets is doing it now! He is lifting that truck - that one over there can't you see it! - right off the ground and he is lifting it over and over and even spinning it a bit and now doing a bit of freestyle juggling and all with the power of his mighty mighty brains! Those mighty brains can solve all our problems. They have the Will. They have the Resolve. They have the Secret Plan.
Do not look at the truck you will ruin everything! You will embolden the truck! How can you bench press a truck with your magical powers of telekinesis after you have said it was the wrong truck to bench press? You are not qualified to bench press the truck!
You are not qualified because you are not big enough! Your resolve is not big enough. Your will is not big enough. Your patriotism is not big enough. Giblets knows your patriotism is not big enough because your flag is not big enough. My flag is bigger than your flag, my god is bigger than your god, my wound is bigger than your wound, SING IT!
This November, do not vote for the "reasonable" candidate who offers you the most "competent" plan to protect the country. Vote for the most grandiose rhetoric and posturing possible. Vote for Giblets.
posted by Giblets at 8:29 PM
...stand by for a critical communication from Giblets... repeat... stand by for a major address by Giblets...
posted by Giblets at 8:12 PM
So many seek out the wisdom of the Medium Lobster, but now those confused and frightened souls may finally receive an answer - in Medium Lobster Mailbag, the newest and most enlightened feature added to this blog. Our first seeker of higher knowledge is Faisal N. Jawdat, who asks:
A reading of The Shrill Blog lead me to notice repeated invocation of the expression "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh [America Hating Liberal] R'lyeh wagn'nagl fhtagn! Aaaaiiiiii!!!!." Further investigation leads me to conclude that this is a reference to the works of Howard Phillips Lovecraft, who, it turns out, was objectively pro Saddam.Ah, Faisal, you have made an elementary - but understandable - error, one often committed by those just beginning to pierce the veil of mysteries. You have confused the master with the servant. For Dick Cheney is no follower of Cthulhu; rather, he is an avatar of mighty and monstrous Yog-Sothoth, the key and guardian of the gate, the All-in-One of limitless being and self whose vile and indomitable essense stretches beyond the expanse of time and space and can only be perceived by mortals in brief glimpses: a form of The Cheney there, a shape of Yog-Delay there, a brief glimmer of NyarlaHastert there. There is not one Cheney, my friend, but a hundred, a thousand, a million - each a monstrous roiling outstretched tentacle reaching from the blackened abyss of the Outer Gods.
Such beings are beyond what mortals call "good" and "evil," Faisal. Their ways cannot be known - and indeed, must not be known - for the workings of the universe are too terrifying and horrible, its secret energy meetings, doctored deficit projections, and dealings with Iran too maddening for ordinary men. These hard realities we must leave to the hard and foul beings who govern America in the dark - for should Americans look too closely, they could be driven into madness, confusion, and doubt - as was John Edwards last night, when he was "getting his facts wrong." The facts are too terrible a thing for the American voters to witness, Faisal. Best to leave them with the Vice President - and the monstrous nuclear chaos beyond angled space which the Necronomicon has mercifully cloaked under the name of Grover Norquist.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:38 AM
Tuesday, October 5, 2004
Let the debating begin! I am in regular talk! Giblets is in italics talk! The posting of these comments were delayed by alcohol and internet outages!
Well, halfway through Dick Cheney's first answer this drinking game already has Giblets hammered.
Dick Cheney has not suggested there's a connection between Iraq and 9/11. He has implied it, insinuated it, hinted it, and intimated it, but he has not suggested it.
Wait! Now he just said it. But not suggested it Fafnir. Only said it.
And there is that tricky global test! If America has to pass a global test then it must mean that everyone in the entire world would get to decide American foreign policy cause what else could a "global test" mean!
I like the part about the human drive for freedom in Afghanistan. Dick Cheney believes in the power of the heart to triumph over adversity.
Yeah, I hear Dick Cheney's a big Care Bears fan.
I think Dick Cheney made a smart point right now. Ysee American casualties only count for 90% of the casualties if you don't count all the Iraqis wo've gotten killed. See Dick Cheney points out just how many Iraqis have gotten killed since we invaded. A very good point Dick Cheney!
And a compassionate one. Now Dick Cheney is goin on about "Well I think it's pretty rotten of you to not count the Iraqis, our greatest allies blah blah blah." Because Dick Cheney is a very kind-hearted man who feels the pain of everyone, no matter how small.
That's why he spends his weekends in the Peace Corps, Giblets!
I like the touchin story Cheney's tellin right now about the giant insurance company from the little swing state that got caught in a bear trap and woulda bled profits to death if it wasnt for real big tax cuts.
I like John Edwards's persistent attempts to adopt Dick Cheney's gay daughter.
"You probably weren't there to vote for that." Ooo, snap! Tell it, girlfriend!
Yknow it is a shame just how much time John Kerry an John Edwards missed while they were campaignin. Why it is almost as bad as bein on vacation for a third of your presidency!
What qualifies John Edwards to be a heartbeat away? Answer: his sexy body. His sexy, sexy body.
I think it was effective how he stripped down to his thong to prove that point Giblets.
Very true Fafnir. Although less effective for Dick Cheney.
Yes he lost some points on "gravitas" when the speedo came out.
I didn't know that Dick Cheney grew up in a humble mill town just like John Edwards.
It's true. They grew up in the same mill town in fact an were once the best of childhood friends until a laboratory accident wiped out all of Cheney's hair and made him use his powers for evil instead of for good.
Dick Cheney points out that you are either with the drug companies or with the terrorists. A powerful line Giblets.
And it holds true Fafnir. 9/11 changed everything. About the drug companies.
John Edwards closes with a heartwarming tale of overcoming adversity to rise above your working class origins, an Dick Cheney closes with the warning that the world will come to a fiery end at the hands of Islamist lava beasts if George Bush is not re-elected.
There is a clear an obvious winner here Fafnir. And it is Gwen Ifill.
I think you're right Giblets. She looks smart in that suit.
Join us next time for the next Bush-Kerry debate which will take place in an innovative underground dogfight format! Kerry's German shepherd has the height an weight advantage but Bush's Scottie has resolve an determination! Who will win?
posted by fafnir at 9:04 PM
Giblets is watching the hard-hitting pre-debate commentary of Chris Matthews' Hardball! and he is already slathering with anticipation for the main show. Will the rock-ribbed cue-balled realpolitik-esque Cheney tear the still-beating heart from the baby-faced dollchild made-of-babies John Edwards in the middle of the debates, or will he cut loose in the opening statement? Will John Edwards's star-power protect him from Cheney's oil-powered death grip, or will his mushy optimism prove no use against against the master of hard sorta-facts?
The Frankensteinian visage of Ron Reagan, Jr. disappears! The chortling starchy head of Chris Matthews fades from view! Dance on your strings, candidates! Deliver knock-out punches! Dance for us! Dance for us NOW!
Labels: amused to death
posted by Giblets at 8:51 PM
Monday, October 4, 2004
Stupid old pope! He's sainting stupid ol' dead people left and right and there is still no sainthood for Giblets, saintliest of all known earthly beings? Behold Giblets! He is positively resplendent with goodness! Mother Theresa was a filthy whore! Gandhi was a rat bastard! The Dali Lama runs a sweatshop filled with babies where he forces the babies to make baby-eating utensils for rich cannibal babies which he then uses to eat his own babies!
But Giblets is good and kind and does not hate children! All the time! And he has already performed like six miracles many of which involve healing or blowing up monsters which were about to eat virgins! Now how much cooler a saint can you get than that? Answer you cannot so saint me Giblets saint me now now now!
The Pope of course is just rubbing it in now by beatifying Karl I of Austira-Hungary and Anne Catherine Emmerich. So what's the big deal, Pope? Has Giblets not gassed enough Frenchmen or had enough crazy anti-semitic Passion-based hallucinations? "In spiritus lepus," says the Pope. "Corpus pluribus domini." Stupid Pope with your stupid Pope-talk! Why can't you speak normal-talk!
"You don't wanna mess with the Pope Giblets," says Fafnir. "He might try to shoot you with his deadly Pope beam."
"Nuts to his Pope beam!" says Giblets. "At this rate by the time Giblets get sainted all the good saint-spots will be full! Giblets will be way in the back of heaven with Saint Anslo, Patron Saint of Smelling!"
Man, it's like you've got to wait forever on one of these things! Stupid old Pope!
posted by Giblets at 9:44 PM
In his terrible debate performance last week, John Kerry insisted that the United Stated must adhere to some "global test" before it can take such defensive actions as striking back against terrorists, or assassinating enemy leaders, or overthrowing disarmed regimes in a screwball attempt to remake the Middle East. The notion of a "global test" - which John Kerry describes as "where your countrymen, your people understand fully why you're doing what you're doing, and you can prove to the world that you did it for legitimate reasons," and which the Medium Lobster can only conclude means the full and complete consensus of every petty bureaucrat in France - flies in the face of everything the United States stands for, and everything America needs to defend itself.
Fortunately, George W. Bush recognizes this, and has embraced an altogether different test - not a global test, not a local test, not even a personal or a singular test. When George W. Bush goes to war, he will not be dissuaded by the protestations of the United Nations, or by some antiwar protesters, or by the State Department, or by the CIA, or by the military, or by the overwhelming conclusions of the intelligence community, or by the American people. Indeed, he will not be dissuaded by his own campaign promises, or his own thoughts and feelings from the week before, or even the minute before. Will we smoke out bin Laden, dead or alive, or is bin Laden not something worth thinking about much anymore? Will Moqtada al Sadr be arrested or killed, or left to join the Iraqi political process? Who's to say? Not George Bush - not if he can help it, at least.
To do otherwise - to require some sort of justification before beginning an international conflict - why, that would be tantamount to giving a foreign power - or antiwar protesters, or the State Department, or the CIA, or the military, or the intelligence community, or the American people, or the president - veto power over America's national security.
George Bush has a different view. It's not the President's job to take an international poll, or a national poll, or even ask for a show of hands in a cabinet meeting. But our national security will be made somewhere on the fractured whimsy of George Bush's brain - not in the Oval Office. And that's a test America won't need any Frenchman for - or any coherent President, for that matter.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 5:32 PM
Saturday, October 2, 2004
God bless the electoral college! If this country elected its presidents with some "popular vote," presidential candidates would have to pander to every state in the country instead of just a handful of loser "swing" states like Ohio and Michigan. Screw you, California, Texas, New York, New England, and the South! Giblets flips you the electoral bird 'cause you don't count this time around!
Sadly, this means Giblets - and John Kerry and George Bush, who also seem to be running for president - must also pander to Florida, or as it is affectionately known, "The Pimple on America's Ass." A swampy wasteland populated entirely by retirees, Cuban exiles, vacationers, and southerners who appear to be lost, no one is native to Florida but the immense poodle-devouring reptiles that prowl its poisonous bogs and gated communities. But who will conquer its diverse population of aged storm-tossed rabble? Giblets that is who!
Florida first greeted Giblets with its hearty stench of old people. Florida you are old and you smell like old man smell! Ewww! Old people are a crucial part of Floridian society and economy, especially in the funeral industry. They are a tricky bunch to woo, for as old age sets in their minds grow rigid. "I only vote for Roosevelt!" says one nameless old man Giblets sees on a street corner somewhere. But what old people lose in their intractability they make up for in their weakness! Yes, old people are easily cowed by presidential candidates, for they are close to the grasping claws of Old Gray Death!
GIBLETS: Old woman! Who are you planning to vote for!
SOME OLD WOMAN: Well, I hadn't quite made up my mind, young man. Now, I'm very upset with President Bush, I don't agree at all with what he's done with the war, and Medicare, but John Kerry...
GIBLETS: Giblets! You will vote for Giblets then!
SOME OLD WOMAN: Oh now, I don't know...
GIBLETS: Giblets is strong and mighty and will crush your withered bones with his teeth! You are old and weak and reek of death!
SOME OLD WOMAN: Oh my, I'm going to have to...
GIBLETS: VOOOOTE FOR GIBLEEEEEETS! VOOOOOOTE FOR GIIIBLEEEEEETS!
Giblets will dominate the old people vote! But what of the Cuban vote? Everyone knows that Florida swings by the whims of the fiercely anti-Cuba Cuban vote! But again, Giblets's strengths can overwhelm those of his opponents in this area! Again he will dominate!
GIBLETS: How can Giblets win your vote?
SOME CUBAN GUY: Giblets? I wasn't really...
GIBLETS: In the first one hundred days of a Giblets presidency, Giblets will invade Cuba, oust Fidel Castro, and install as Cuba's new leader the mummified corpse of Fulgencio Batista! Huzzah!
SOME CUBAN GUY: I'm actually looking more at John Kerry because of stance on the travel restrictions...
GIBLETS: And then Giblets will chop off Castro's head, stuff it with onions, and personally present it to you on a platter! Who's your daddy, Cuban vote? Giblets is your daddy!
SOME CUBAN GUY: Mmmm... onions?
But the most important swing voters in Florida are the electronic voting machines, which are riddled with enough security holes to make the hacking of the Florida election trivial. Voting machines have already crashed and wiped out records on statewide elections from the past two years, and the good news is no changes have been made to the system since! This is probably Giblet's best chance to pick up some prime electoral real estate.
kinggiblets: so how easy is this
v0t3h4x0r1337: d00d like a monkey could do this shit
kinggiblets: hack the election
kinggiblets: hack the election for giblets
v0t3h4x0r1337: no way man
kinggiblets: hack the election for giblets NOW
v0t3h4x0r1337: im throwing this thing to michael badnarik
kinggiblets: insolent script kiddie! you will feel giblets's wrath :(
So there you have it. The cesspool that is the Florida election. There is one more voter that may figure in, although he's not as big lately - God. With the recent spate of hurricanes it's clear that God is trying desperately to destroy the entire state before it can become a factor in November. Alas, you are too weak, God! You need to bring out the big boys! A tsumani, a meteor impact, a plague of hellfrogs - give us somethin' we can WORK with! 'Cause come November we're gonna have 27 electoral votes nobody's gonna have any idea what to do with. Better sink 'em now and get it over with.
posted by Giblets at 7:23 PM
Hello an welcome to another edition of Fafblog Roundtable! Today we will be discussin who won the presidential debate the other night. Still! After two days! Nothin else goin on the world. Nooooooothin else.
FAFNIR: So! How did John Kerry do in the debate Giblets?
GIBLETS: John Kerry did pretty well Fafnir. He showed strength an directness which musta been tough for him, on accounta he usually likes to discuss foreign policy by mincin around in a tutu goin "I'm John Kerry, blah blah blah! Oh I am long-winded and effeminate! Allow me to read from the Paris telephone directory!"
FAF.: That's very true he did a lot to rise above expectations. What about George Bush?
GIBS.: "Oh, I am made of ketchup! Oh, I throw like a girl!"
THE MEDIUM LOBSTER: Thursday's debate accomplished a lot for George Bush; he exceeded expectations wildly. Most aboard the Bush campaign assumed he would spend most of the night drooling, twitching, and speaking in tongues, but to have the president manage to not only stand upright for an hour and a half but to form whole words and even whole sentences - well, I think the Bush camp has quite a bit to crow about.
FAF.: That is very true because a lotta the time when you see George Bush you think "wow he is so plainspoken he may just unleash a primal roar from the collective unconsciousness an bludgeon John Kerry with a lion femur"! What do you think were some a the best moments for the campaigns in the debate?
GIBS.: Giblets liked how George Bush kept referrin to Vladimir Putin as "Vladimir." It showed that just cause you're a former KGB agent strangling a newborn democracy in its crib in order to create your own authoritarian regime doesn't mean George Bush can't sit down with you over a plate a ribs.
ML: I thought John Kerry's best moment was when he managed to mention Charles DeGaulle without breaking down into incoherent Francophile paeans to the glory of the Third Republic.
FAF.: All good an I agree with everythin! Let's see what our monkeys have to say!
*** FAFBLOG SPECIAL POLL*** Fafblog has been polling a group of two dozen undecided monkeys extensively since the close of the debates. When asked, "Who won the debate?", a majority of monkeys screamed and hurled feces at us. When asked "Who do you trust more to lead the country?", two out of three monkeys began smashing pieces of fruit into their teeth. The remaining monkeys ate bugs. ***THIS HAS BEEN A FAFBLOG SPECIAL POLL***
FAFNIR: Who do you think won this debate Giblets?
GIBLETS: Giblets sees it as a "draw," or perhaps a "drew," which is like a draw only it helps Kerry more than it helps Bush but is still definitely a draw.
THE MEDIUM LOBSTER: The important thing to remember was that there was no knockout punch, Fafnir.
FAF.: That's true. There was no knockout punch.
GIBS.: Yes. No knockout punch.
FAF.: What would have been a good knockout punch? Let's start with Giblets I like him more!
GIBS.: Kerry coulda jumped onto the podium an shouted "KERRY CRUSH PUNY BUSH! KERRY STRONGEST ONE THERE IS!" That woulda gone a long way towards makin folks feel safer with a Kerry administration.
ML: And George Bush could've stabbed Kerry with a crude knife fashioned from a bedspring during their second handshake. Alas, both men missed their windows of opportunity.
FAF.: Well that's it for Fafblog Roundtable! Next week on Fafblog Roundtable: is this dog fat? Just how fat is this dog? I think it's a fat dog! Be sure to check it out next week!
posted by fafnir at 10:08 AM