Friday, October 31, 2003
Welcome to Halloween, people and pumpkins! Especially pumpkins. Pumpkins are national heroes. You get your brains scooped out and your faces cut up for our jack-o-lanterns. You are baked for our pies and smashed for our sociopathic youth. We salute you pumpkins.
This year I am dressed up as a bagel with cream cheese. Giblets is dressed up as smoked salmon, or as some would have it, "lox." Chris is dressed up as a parallel universe Chris who looks and acts exactly like regular Chris except that he's yelling "Get that cheese sauce off my computer! Get that cheese off my computer!" whereas regular Chris recognizes that the cheese sauce is part of a very important project.
Special Quiz: Do you know where Halloween comes from? 'Cause I don't.
posted by fafnir at 10:17 AM
Friday, October 24, 2003
It's a hard road to justice. Justice is tough, like a gorilla, or an old walrus maybe, but that's what it's there for. And if you don't take justice seriously it will beat you. Beat you like a gorilla. Or a walrus.
That's what was goin' through my Special Prosecutorial mind when I had Karl Rove in "the box" today. 'Cause when it's CIA Leak Scandal investigatin' time, you know that the Justice Department doesn't have the kid gloves on. That's why they brought out Fafnir. Cause he doesn't even wear any gloves at all. Except when it's very cold.
The following is my interview with top leak suspect Karl Rove.
FAFNIR: Okay there Presidential Advisor Karl Rove! Are you the White House leak?
KARL ROVE: My boy! Not only am I not the White House leak, I'm not even a Presidential Advisor!
FAFNIR: You're not?
KARL ROVE: No-hohoho! Why, I don't advise anyone at all! I make CANDY!
FAFNIR: Oh, I like candy! What kind of candy?
KARL ROVE: Delicious, MAGICAL candy! Follow ME, my boy, and my mysterious tiny servants, the Scootra-Lootras, through a WORLD OF IMAGINATION in my chocolate factory!
FAFNIR: Hooray! This is the BEST JUSTICE DEPARTMENT INVESTIGATION EVER!
I can't go into all the wondrous things we saw there, except to say that Karl Rove has promised me that as the best boy to visit the plant I will inherit it when he leaves office. The only downside was that United States Attorney General John Ashcroft got himself turned into a giant blueberry. Darn it Attorney General John Ashcroft we told you not to eat strange things!
It's a hard road to justice. Sometimes it means blueberries.
posted by fafnir at 10:18 AM
Saturday, October 18, 2003
So far a lot of you have sent in your electronic pudding. Good for you! You are helping Fafnir with pudding! Pat yourself on the back! As I said before this is for a Good Cause which I have not yet disclosed it is just that good. So let's see the pudding!
EVEN MORE PUDDING!
SO MUCH PUDDING IT IS ALL OVER THE PLACE!
Thank you very much for the pudding everyone and keep it coming for that very special Good Cause.
posted by fafnir at 2:31 PM
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
It's time for another edition of Cheer up there Rowan Williams. So c'mon! Let's get started.
Cheer up there Rowan Williams things aren't so bad. So a buncha guys in your church are gone all crazy. Y'know what you don't need all those crazy church people anyway you've got ice cream!
It NEVER tries to split up the Anglican communion over the confirmation of gay bishops, AND it's delicious. "Ooo ooo taste me taste I'm delicious Fafnir!" No not now ice cream! You are distracting me with your being ice cream.
You should also cheer up there because you got Clowns. Hooray!
Everybody loves clowns! Clowns are fun! And they'd never try to break off ties with the Episcopal Church. Maybe that one on the end who knows.
Also Rowan Williams you should cheer up there because you have your secret rocket ship to the moon.
If any of those archbishops or primates gets on your nerves you just say "Man screw you guys I'm goin to the moon! The Church of the Moon is so much cooler than you guys." And you know they'll jump in line cause they don't want to lose you Rowan Williams or your rocket ship to the moon.
Finally Rowan Williams you have me, Fafnir. So there. Hooray!
This has been another edition of Cheer up there Rowan Williams!
posted by fafnir at 3:49 PM
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
I'm collecting pudding. Pudding for a good cause.
I need as much pudding as I can so I need to get it here an I need to get it fast. So none a that snail mail pudding. I need electronic pudding. I need to collect pudding over the internet.
I'm collecting internet pudding. Internet pudding for a good cause.
posted by fafnir at 1:41 PM
Wednesday, October 8, 2003
So me and United States Attorney General John Ashcroft's investigation of the White House has hit a slow point.
Me: Hey White House! I need stuff!
White House: Okay... I'll give you stuff.
Me: That's good!
White House: But first I gotta take a look at it.
Me: For how long?
White House: 'Bout... two weeks.
Me: No fair! Shenanigans! Shenanigans!
United States Attorney General John Ashcroft: What's that about Shenanigans?
Me: United States Attorney General John Ashcroft, I need stuff and the White House won't give it to me!
White House: Fafnir wants early peeksies! But he didn't CALL early peeksies!
Me: Did too!
White House: Did not!
Me: Did too!
United States Attorney General John Ashcroft: I want pancakes.
So instead of investigating the CIA leak scandal today we went to Six Flags: Treasury Department. Their "Monetary Policy: SHOCKWAVE!" roller coaster was pretty cool, but I don't know if it REALLY made me "scream in horror at the monster of runaway inflation!" as the poster promised. And United States Attorney General John Ashcroft threw up, but that's cause he had too much syrup at IHOP.
All in all I don't think it was nearly as good as Six Flags: The Moon, which was by far the best Six Flags ever. The minus: there was no air to breathe at all. The plus: it was on the moon!
posted by fafnir at 12:40 PM
Chris is sick today. Why does Chris get sick? I don't get sick. Giblets doesn't get sick. The stuffed octopus doesn't get sick. Chris what's wrong with you. Stop being sick.
Spent the mornin' pokin Chris with a stick to make sure he was OK and alive and not dead and that he kept sayin "ow" but for a while he stopped, and I was all "aaaa aaaa Chris is dead Chris is dead" and he was all "no stupid I'm just tired now quit poking me with that stick it hurts" and I was so happy that Chris was alive again. So I went back to pokin him with the stick. It's good for you Chris eat your peas!
This message brought to you by the surgeon general who is also Fafnir.
posted by fafnir at 12:18 PM
Monday, October 6, 2003
Today was Yom Kippur. It is an ancient and sacred holiday for my people, founded by Moses when he ate the lion that he brought down from Mount Sinai on which he wrote the Ten Commandments so nobody could find them again. "Ha," said Moses. "Serves YOU guys right. For wantin Comman'ments."
On Yom Kippur we celebrate the Day of Atonement, and much Atoning takes place. I am Atoned. Giblets is Atoned. My quiche, who I am sad to say I ate a while back cause I got hungry - I am SO SORRY QUICHE - is Atoned. Everyone is Atoned. Moses is just that big on Atonement.
At the end of the Atoning a lion sent by Moses comes out of the door and eats everyone, or is supposed to, so we save a seat for the lion at dinner. It's like, "Hey lion, if you want to eat us, c'mon in. And have ALLLLL this food first." See then the lion will get all stuffed and we'll go "Want some more kugel lion?" And the lion go "oh no I couldn't have another bite" and we'll go "how about some delicious smoked salmon? or a knish?" and the lion'll go "what, are oyu trying to kill me here?" and we'll go "well at least eat us lion!" and he'll go "bah, maybe next year," and we'll go laugh because we'll be smarter than the lion and Moses will go "Oooo, that darn lion!" But the lion never shows up, and we eat all the food anyway. I guess that leaves us vulnerable to Moses. But sometimes there's really good kugel.
Hope you had a delicious and relatively war-free Yom Kippur.
posted by fafnir at 10:29 PM
Saturday, October 4, 2003
I, Fafnir, have become a target of partisan attack.
Yes I know it seems strange and bizarre to all of you who right now are screaming "Who would dare do such a thing Fafnir! You who are of course beloved by billions" and you are right to be surprised because I too was surprised. But my position as the new special prosecutor appointed by John Ashcroft Attorney General of the United States has drawn harsh partisan criticism and mudslinging. If only John Ashcroft were here to back me up - ! but Giblets took him out for ice cream.
Today the Drudge Report claims to have found nude photos of me which they have posted now on the internet. I am as astonished as you are to discover that I posed naked for photographers thirty years ago - I don't even remember bein that old. I am also surprisingly buff in these pictures. Look at those lats you can tell I work out a lot.
This has prompted a big response in Washington, with Serious Journalists like Fred "The Beatle" Barnes, who said today on "The Capital Gang," "Someone who posed naked in lurid gay photos for the Drudge Report is completely unfit for being the special prosecutor in a scandal as serious as this, and let me add that this isn't at all a serious scandal and we should all get back to our shiny objects."
The Beatle is right, in that I have disgraced myself and my office. What could I have been thinking? I apparently have forgotten. How strange. He is also right about shiny objects but that is a mtter for another time. Giblets has just run in to tell me that John Ashcroft has eaten way too much ice cream and got sick so we have to take him to the doctor. Plus he has one of those headaches. Oh John Ashcroft! I told you to eat slow!
posted by fafnir at 8:15 PM
Friday, October 3, 2003
Don't think that just cause I'm gettin ready to help John Ashcroft Attorney General of the United States to investigate the murky depths of the White House Super Leak Scandal Special I haven't forgotten all the other vital matters relevant to our world today, such as the development of the inclined farcel, the plight of robots' rights, the crisis of leadership in the roman statue community, and my hard-hitting coverage of the Democratic presidential thing.
Just last night I took time out from teaching my English for Oranges class to watch television, and I saw Spike TV - usually a proud innovator at the forefront of progressive ideals - was showing the episode of Star Trek where Worf is living on the place where Romulans and Klingons get along, and Worf is all, "What is the matter with you Klingons! Klingons and Romulans do not get along! Be strong! Kill this pig! Sing drunken like!" and the other guys are all "Nah nah we want to live in peeeaaace" and Worf is all "Embrace your pig-killing heritage now!" and they kill pigs and are loud and happy and the Romulan guy is gloomy cause nobody likes him anymore and the Klingons all go and leave where they can grunt and kill pigs and drink and be true Klingons by themselves.
But what is the lesson here Worf! Where is the Love? Where is the Romulan-Klingon creamy goodness? Can't they all just get along? No, says Worf, cause we got to do our own thing even if it means killin each other and other things typically regarded as bad because we are Klingons, hrah hrah. Worf is endorsing the short-sighted and sad policies of Identity Politics. Worf is a bad example to us all.
Why can't we be more like Data who assimilates into his ship while remaining a cool robot who could kick Picard's ass on any day (do not say Picard could beat Data it is not true, remember that episode where he took over the ship when he went crazy and everyone's like "whoa! look out dude!"), or more like that big rock thing who made clones of Abraham Lincoln and Ghengis Khan and made Kirk fight them both in a Grand Experiment Regarding The Nature Of Good And Evil, he was just cool.
Shame on you, Worf.
posted by fafnir at 10:41 AM
Thursday, October 2, 2003
It is three-o-somethin and I am gettin ready to start my job as special prosecutor investigating the White House CIA Leak Crime Scandal. I am almost ready to go ask the White House the hard-hitting questions I am so well known for. I have my pen and my pad and my Giblets and my Special Prosecutorial Whacking Stick and my official White House CIA Leak Crime Scandal thermos and mug. But first I need the eye. The eye of the tiger.
So today before I head out I must get sufficiently pumped up.
- DRANK a raw egg in a glass. This actually sounded really gross so I just ended up goin "Hey egg! I'm gonna EAT YOU egg! Yeah egg! EATIN you!" to "psyche it out." The egg was very intimidated.
- ATE a bowl of new PATRIOT WHEATIES with new PATRIOT FLAKES which are red and white and blue and shout things at you like "Be strong for America!" and "Calcium doesn't build strong bones - America does!" and "If we don't fight gingavitis the terrorists have already won!" and "Freedom is part of this complete breakfast!" John Ashcroft the Attorney General of the United States ate four bowls so he could get to the windup President Bush toy at the bottom of the box. He thinks he is blind now but I think he'll be fine.
- WATCHED tv. There was some news stuff on about the White House CIA Leak Crime Scandal that Chris wanted to watch but me and Giblets voted for cartoons featuring an exploding pig instead. Only the finest of televisual news sources can be utilized for a Special Prosecutor, Chris.
I am rested and I am ready and I am going to confront the heart of Washingtonian politics with my unbiased storm of hard-hitting investigatory prowess. And this raw egg. Watch out White House. Cause I've got the eye. Eye of the tiger.
posted by fafnir at 3:15 PM
Wednesday, October 1, 2003
So last night I was sittin there, watchin the teevee, yellin at Giblets ("No Giblets, you are a bad Giblets! Stop setting Ed on fire!"), watchin Chris eat chicken (Chris will complain now about how he doesn't eat chicken all the time, about how I only mention him when he is eatin chicken, well if thats true Chris where is the evidence? Where is is written - in Fafblog - "Chris was not eatin chicken"? Nowhere, that's where) when I got a call from a Cabinet Level Official himself - John Ashcroft, the Attorney General of the United States.
"Hello Fafnir," says John Ashcroft the Attorney General of the United States, with Big Flag Music playing. "I am John Ashcroft the Attorney General of the United States."
"John Ashcroft!" I says. "Quick arrest Chris!" He was eatin chicken, which was bad for you Chris it is full of toxins. It was for your own good.
"Okay," says John Ashcroft, and cool scary FBI guys break through the wall and drag off Chris. He'll be OK - they have many vegetarian alternatives in Guantanamo Bay. "But Fafnir - I need your help. I am in a jam - a pickle - a quandry. And ONLY YOU - FAFNIR - can help me."
"John Ashcroft, your flag music is very loud," I says.
"Yes it is," says John Ashcroft, "I have a sound truck follow me around. Fafnir, I need a special prosecutor to investigate a matter of national security, because I am not good enough to do it myself, and because only YOU are good enough and unbiased enough to tackle the case."
"I'll do it John Ashcroft because I love my country and because I love my flag but I still think it can be tastefully accessorized on things like jeans and lunchboxes," I says. "Patriotic lunchboxes."
"Be very careful Fafnir!" says John Ashcroft having to shout now, because the music is so loud it is hurting his ears, "because you are having to investigate the most dangerous house in the world... the WHITE HOUSE!"
"Oooo!" I says.
"Shut up!" says Giblets. Giblets is tryin to watch the innovative reality television parody The Joe Schmoe Show on Spike TV.
posted by fafnir at 3:04 PM