Monday, September 6, 2004
"I am dissatisfied with Tide™," says me. "Maybe I should switch to All™."
"Bah!" says Giblets. "Tide™ is as strong as the force of nature it invokes! All™ is as weak as the complacent internationalism suggested by its name!"
"But Tide™ eats holes in my knits an silks," says me. "An it harshly bleaches out my colors."
"All™ will make your colors run insteada boldly standin out in the face of enemy fabrics!" says Giblets.
"There is no real evidence to support that Giblets," says me. "Besides Tide™ does not break up dirt an tough grass stains. It chases em for a while before leavin to attack other loads."
"Tide™ will get those other loads clean eventually!" says Giblets. "An when those loads are clean it will set off a cleanliness domino effect! Cleanliness will start spreadin to neighborin washin machines an then through the entire laundromat until it scrubs your stubborn grass stains away!"
"I dunno Giblets," says me. "I have put a couple hundred billion dollars a quarters into this load an it's still a mess."
"Tide™'s commercials are strong an resolute!" says Giblets. "All™'s commercials are flimsy an flip-flop on critical issues! One day they say All™ brightens colors, the next day they say it whitens whites! Well which is it All™?"
"All™ has changed its formula since the early seventies," says me. "It is New an Improved. Why doesn't Tide™ ever improve?"
"Tide™ needs no improvement!" says Giblets. "Tide™'s wife is smiley an warm an looks like the human personification of the bakin of oatmeal cookies! All™'s wife is a cranky out-of-touch ketchup heiress! Tide™ is sturdy an earthy just like Giblets wants to be! All™'s Vietnam service may be questionable!"
"Those are just smear campaigns Giblets," says me. "All™ served its country while Tide™ was sittin on a shelf in the laundry room of the Texas Air National Guard."
"The leadin brand will not remove caked-on mud and grime!" says Giblets. "The leadin brand will capitulate to the Islamofascists!"
"Well we agree to disagree," says me. "Like we do whenever we talk about Coke™ versus Poison™."
"It may taste bad an curdle my blood an kill me," says Giblets. "But at least I know where Poison™ stands."
posted by fafnir at 7:11 PM