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Thursday, September 23, 2004
Greetings, my fellow higher beings and supermen. It is the Medium Lobster's great honor to convene this meeting of the Hall of Justice.
As you all know, we were entrusted three years ago by George W. Bush with rings of mystical power, which would harness the awesome energies of Free Emotions such as Hope, Dignity, and Resolve into potent forces to use to break up terrorist cells, secure and stabilize Iraq, and spread democracy throughout the world. And we have indeed been successful. Who could forget when Captain Fortitude destroyed an entire al Qaeda training camp with one blast of his Determination-Vision, or when Freedom Woman used her enhanced Optimism Senses to uncover the location of terrorist cell in Pakistan? However, the Medium Lobster has not come to celebrate old victories. Indeed, we face a grave danger in Iraq - one that can no longer be ignored. As violence in the country has increased dramatically, we must act, while there is still time, to bolster the spirits of the American public. For the project of Freedom in Iraq is endangered not by armed guerillas and terrorists, but by the deadly force of Pessimism. For just as Hope, Dignity, and Resolve are focused through our mystical power rings to become intense and powerful beams of super-force, so is Pessimism channeled by the dark and powerful mystics of our foes into terrifying powers. Indeed, it was only last week that the evil Doctor Jihad used his Crystal Orb of Negativity to summon massive car bombings throughout the country. And it was only within the last few days that the maniacal Islamobot used its deadly Press Accounts Of American Casualties Ray to decapitate more American hostages. Iraqis recognize the danger, and they are refuting Pessimism. For they know that negative attitudes, and not a massive, violent nationalist and religious insurgency, are the true threats to freedom and democracy within this new and independent state. But thus far, Iraqis and the Bush Administration have been fighting pessimism on their own. It is time we answered the call and took this fight directly to the enemy, to the source of pessimism itself: the news media. Only by knocking out the Council of Terror's gloominess supply at its source will we win this war. It will take everything we have to beat the terrifying and oppressive forces of the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Post, and Salon.com. But by combining the pure energy of our power rings of Liberty, Courage, Resoluteness, Propaganda, Massive Media Monopolies, Corporate Kickbacks, and Election Fraud, victory can be ours. Let's roll.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 11:46 AM
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