Tuesday, September 14, 2004

The Medium Lobster has been heartened to see even more good news coming out of Iraq. To some, seventy-three dead and a hundred wounded in a single day of bombings and guerilla attacks would stand as a sign of a worsening quagmire confronting an administration whose policies on Iraq and terror seem at best incoherent and at worst markedly destructive. But to the enlightened, increasing terror in Iraq means that the administration's Iraq policy is finally working - by beginning to use up the world's supply of terrorists.

As Gregg Easterbrook has noted, the invasion of Iraq "is having the unintended consequence of drawing terrorists and killers to that country, where our army can fight them on our terms." Indeed, the world's finite supply of terrorists is now concentrated in one country where it can be disposed of with relative ease.

Islamic terrorists, as most experts recognize, are not ordinary, radicalized muslims which can be recruited from anywhere in the world. All terrorists, in fact, are sophisticated androids carefully assembled in al Qaeda robotics factories, overseen by diligent al Qaeda engineers. But production of a fully-trained terrorbot is expensive, and indeed, the al Qaeda budget has been pushed to the breaking point in an attempt to put out enough terrorbots to overrun Iraq. And it is there, fighting and destroying these terrorbots on their own terms, that the US military can defeat al Qaeda: by using up their supply of terrorists until the organization is too bankrupt to continue their construction.

The Medium Lobster urges courage, for the longer the US military remains bogged down in this desperate debacle, the safer America will be. After all, with all these terrorists in another country far away, it is inconceivable that there would be any left to strike at the United States.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:16 PM

There is a hurricane an we are eatin the corndogs. Chris does not seem to understand the connection so we try to spell it out a little clearer.

"See, Giblets applied as a candidate to eat your corndogs," says me.
"Your delicious tasty corndogs," says Giblets full a corndog. "They are all Giblets's now!"

Chris goes on about how they are his corndogs an this is ridiculous, Giblets can't just go an eat them, etc. Chris does not seem to understand procedural corndog matters much.

"Chris while we took into consideration your ruling on Giblets an your corndogs, we could not account for the hurricane," says me.
"Yes, Chris," says Giblets. "Some people are wrestling with the forces of nature right now."
"The hurricane which made us postpone the hearing where we would review the status of your corndogs," says me.

Chris is all flustery an goin on about what does a hurricane have to do with his corndogs. Chris is bein so unreasonable.

"Chris we respect the rule of corndog law regardin your corndogs," says me. "But while that process goes on we can't put ourselves in the position where the ministerial role of Giblets eatin your corndogs can't be fulfilled."
"An so here we are," says Giblets. "Giblets would offer you a corndog but we only have so many left Chris. An you have been so partisan with your keepin me from your corndogs with your dirty tricks."
"Can I have a corndog Giblets?" says me.
"Have a couple, Fafnir," says Giblets. "Giblets can't eat them all."
posted by fafnir at 8:33 PM

At last, the Medium Lobster has found a leader willing to do what it takes to win the global war on terrorism - and that leader is Vladimir Putin.

Putin's latest anti-terror measures include the elimination of free elections for both regional governors and the Duma, the lower house of Russia's legislative body. With governors now directly appointed by the president and candidates for the legislature selected from party rolls, Putin has wisely and efficiently curtailed democracy in Russia - thus eliminating a potent weapon that remains at terrorists' disposal within the United States.

Putin has clearly seen the threat that Chechen terrorists would pose to his nation and its freedom should they stand for elected office and win. Indeed, there is no end to the terrorist budget appropriations that a Terrorist Party legislator could foist upon an unsuspecting public. But Vladimir Putin, with the insight and moral clarity so praised by George Bush, has pre-emptively cut off terrorist access to these weapons of mass election, and by so doing, has struck another blow for Freedom.

This is a lesson that other nations could certainly learn from - if they were bold enough. As the Medium Lobster has noted before, democracy in the United States is no friend of Freedom. Indeed, it is still quite conceivable that John Kerry could catalyze a new terrorist assault on Freedom itself by winning the presidential election and irresponsibly taking an effective, multilateral, asymmetrical approach to fighting a multilateral, asymmetrical threat. To make certain that George Bush's steadfast adherence to Cold War-style proxy wars as a tactic to fighting a decentralized, hydra-headed foe holds over the next four years, America may have to show the same strength and resolve Vladimir Putin has shown this week. Godspeed, President Putin, and may no basic tenets of liberty stand in your way.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:55 AM

I'm sittin at the bus stop waitin for the bus on my way to collectin my prize which I may have already won! Isn't this excitin? Is it a moose? Is it a blender? Is it a gorilla? Is it a bronze bust of Louis XIV? Is it a lifetime supply of sourdough bread? I am really lookin forward to my prize!

Also at the bus stop is an ol lady an a dog an a man bein attacked by a bigofoot an a can a soup. I wonder where the can a soup came from! Is it somebody else's prize? What kinda soup is it? If I push it over a little I could see the label better but I do not want to push my boundaries because it could belong to the ol lady or the dog or the man bein attacked by the bigfoot or the can a soup.

What if when I get there they give me a choice between two different prizes like between a moose an a gorilla? That could be too difficult how could I choose! Maybe I could get em to give me one a those new moorillas which would be not quite as good as a moose or a gorilla but would have a little bit a both. Maybe it will be a chess set. Maybe it will be a box of delicious Life cereal which is my favorite cereal! I have brought a carton of milk just in case.

"Down boy," I says to the dog. "Help!" says the man bein attacked by the bigfoot. Some people just do not know how to responsibly handle their prize.
posted by fafnir at 8:10 AM
Monday, September 13, 2004

Well, Giblets just got off the phone with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il (we're pen pals) and y'know that enormous explosion that was accompanied by a mushroom cloud that turned up in Yanggang province a couple days ago? It's all gravy, man. Nothin' to worry about. And definitely - DEFINITELY - not a nuke.

"Nukes? Oh-ho-ho!" Jongy says with the hearty nervous chuckle that has won him the hearts of oppressed and brainwashed subjects everywhere. "Oh-ho-ho! Why, we've no nukes here Giblets! I think! Let me check what day it is."

Nothin' to see here. Probably just a really big fireworks display.
posted by Giblets at 11:19 AM

Well we at Fafblog are always tryin to bring you the hard-hittin news day in an day out. Lately a buncha questions have come up about George Bush's National Guard which may turn out to be the turnin point of the whole campaign. But only one person can answer that question - the 1970s IBM Selectric Composer typewriter!

FAFBLOG: Well it is an honor to have you on our blog today sir.
IBM SELECTRIC COMPOSER: *tokka tokka tokka DING tokka tokka*
FB: Now IBM Selectric, I need to ask you straight out: did you type these documents from the Texas Air National Guard?
IBM SELECTRIC: *tokka tokka CH-CHUNG tokka tokka DING*
FB: You are bein a little evasive here IBM.
IBM: *tok tok tokka tokka DING*
FB: IBM Selectric you must come clean! Where was George Bush durin his National Guard days? If I do not know what George Bush did durin the Vietnam War I will never be able to judge his administration today!
FB: You can't intimidate me with your loud angry rhetoric an your threatenin typefaces IBM Selectric! Who are you coverin up for?
FB: Do not paper jam on me now! We need your answers! You are the last hope of Truth!

Well it seems like there are no lengths some people will go to to evade the press. But do not worry! Fafblog will be on the case interrogatin page after page of 1970s fonts an typewriters for the next month if we have to until we come to the bottom of what various papers say our presidential candidates were doin thirty years ago!


posted by fafnir at 9:28 AM
Sunday, September 12, 2004

We think Chris is broken. He's kinda layin on the floor makin funny gurglin noises an mumblin to himself.

"Get up Chris!" says me. "You have to go to work!"
"Very true," says Giblets. "This is not your commie Labor Day when you rest an celebrate bein lazy. It is Laborin Day an you must labor!"

Chris gurgles some more. It is alright this is a normal reaction.

"Chris if you do not go to work Jesus will not reward your Protestant Work Ethic," says me.
"Yes you will never impress Jesus by lyin meekly on the floor there gurglin," says Giblets. "You must toil an sweat! Your productivity makes Jesus happy."
"An then when you die you can get into Protestant Work Heaven!" says me. "Where you will stitch an package athletic shoes for ten cents an hour for export to various parts of the world."
"But if you work hard enough an long enough you will get noticed," says Giblets. "Like if Jesus drops his wallet some time an you're like 'hot damn Jesus's wallet' but insteada rippin off Jesus you give im back his wallet."
"An Jesus is so impressed with your simple minded honesty an your can-do spirit that he lets you marry his pretty daughter an you become vice-president of the company!" says me.

Chris does not seem to have absorbed our advice. He is still lyin in a corner makin funny noises.

"Maybe he is broken," says me.
"This is what you get for bein lazy at work Chris!" says Giblets.
"Maybe we should poke im with sticks," says me. "I bet that would help."

So we poke im with sticks for the rest a the day.
posted by fafnir at 11:16 AM
Thursday, September 9, 2004

I am now in quite a pickle over who to vote for. I was boppin back n forth between George Bush an his deep heartland values an John Kerry an his actually bein able to run a country an I just could not figure it out but then these Kitty Kelley rumors came up an it just blew my squishy little mind!

The Poor Man says there are other scandals out there like a half-trillion dollar deficit an a phony war an such but before I could always balance those out with George Bush's brush-clearin skills an godly faith which could always resolve serious security concerns an international crises. Like what if you open your door one day an there is like thousands a yards a hostile brush outside - terrorist brush - an you are all "Oh no brush!" With all due respect to John Kerry I do not think his skill in international relations an killin Viet Cong could help us out with that crisis, I think right there we would need George Bush to clear that brush before it endangers our freedom.

Or what if Jesus comes back but is hit by radioactive rays an turns into radioactive monster MegaMechaJesus an goes on a rampage destroyin cities an such? It would take a leader of strong inner Jesusy faith to negotiate with the mutant Son of God before he seriously disrupts international stability.

But now all that is up in the air! What if George Bush really did have a coke habit an he is chasin down Osama bin Laden some day an he is closin in on Osama bin Laden an goin "oh I'll get you Osama bin Laden" an Osama bin Laden drops a bag a coke an George Bush is so overpowered by his desire to snort coke that he lets Osama get away?

Or what if George an Laura Bush really did smoke pot in the seventies? This could change everythin because I want to think of my president as a president I could have a beer with but I am not quite comfortable smokin pot with my president. I would have to smoke pot with all of his pot friends which means smokin up with like Dick Cheney an Karl Rove an Lewis "Scooter" Libby an they would probly start hittin me up for cash an I'd be all "but I do not have much cash on me Karl Rove" an Rove would be all "cmon Fafnir it's for tax relief, you like tax relief, dontcha" an then Cheney would get the muchies an eat the Congressional Budget Office or somethin.

So you can see how it would make my decision more difficult cause you can never compartmentalize bein a pothead in the seventies. Oh such weighty decisions!
posted by fafnir at 11:12 PM

Wow! Me an Giblets just busted outta Guantanamo Bay (where I tried to blog yesterday but couldnt - there is no wifi in Gitmo who knew!) by chewin through the gingerbread walls (the better to lure unsuspectin young terrorists inside! When Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld saw we were leavin he chased after us in his dress an his big warty nose but we pushed im into a pot where he melted away) an jumpin into our Confederate Flag-decorated orange Chrysler where we took off! Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge took after us in his beat-up ol cop car but it could not jump the river at Old McKinney's Bridge an he an his deputy Gordon England crashed into the muddy riverbank. "I'll get those Fafblog boys, consarnit!" ol Ridge said while a couple a pigs made funny snortin noises.
posted by fafnir at 10:44 AM

Lately the Medium Lobster has heard some fairly petty complaints coming from such quarters as Slate's William Saletan and the New York Times's Paul Krugman regarding the seriousness of George Bush's leadership. George Bush, they say, is arguing for his own re-election not on the basis of what he's actually accomplished, but on the basis of a heroic facade propped up by frequent invocations of 9/11 and war imagery, in a desperate bid to cover up four years of gross administrative incompetence.

But alas, like so many of the unenlightened, Saletan and Krugman miss the point by overlooking the single - but essential - presidential power George Bush posseses. He posseses the Power of the Glow.

When George Bush stood on a pile of rubble in New York City with a bullhorn, he was not standing up to terrorists; nor was he risking his life. He was Showing strength, if not using or applying or doing anything substantive with it - and by that Show of strength he emitted, from hidden Presidential glands secreted deep within his chest, a powerful radiating Symbolic Force that rippled throughout the world, confronting and striking back at the Symbols of Islamist Terror. It is only there, on the Iconic Plane, that the War on Terror can be won - it is, after all, a war of civilizations and ideologies, not a war of terrorist cells and counter-terrorist intelligence apparatus - and thus it is symbolic actions which matter, not petty, real-world results.

George Bush emitted the same symbolic glow in striking Iraq. No, al Qaeda was not in that country; no, Saddam Hussein possesed neither weapons of mass destruction nor meaningful ties to Osama bin Laden. But by demonstrating that he was willing to go to war somewhere - yes, even to ground the bulk of the armed forces in a nightmarish quagmire rife with religious and ethnic factions clawing at each other for control - George Bush was Showing his Seriousness in the war on terror. He didn't need to show his competence or his ability in fighting terror by actually stabilizing Iraq or pursuing al Qaeda instead; he just needed to Show his Seriousness by starting a war, since war, after all, is a very Serious business done by very Serious men, and making war against Arab Muslims somewhere in the world has therefore Shown Bush's Seriousness to the vast spirit of Symbolic Arab Muslim Terror.

There is one mistake the Medium Lobster can properly fault this President for, and that is for continuing to reside in the White House. Being not merely some hired civil servant whose effectiveness should be judged based on the effectiveness of his policies, the President should long ago have been mounted on the top of the Washington Monument, or still better, a thousand-foot-tall specially-constructed Presidential Spire facing the Atlantic, where the increased altitude would allow him to grit his face determinedly towards the Mideast and its den of Islamists twenty-four hours a day, projecting his Glow of Symbolic Strength outward to forever confront the oncoming menace. Until that project is completed, the Medium Lobster fears that George Bush has yet to truly Show his strength and determination in the face of the enemy.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:54 AM
Tuesday, September 7, 2004

Tom Ridge shows up at my house with armed Homeland Security Department officials. Good thing I just finished makin brownies!

"Fafnir, the United States Government is here to search for materials of a terrorist nature," says Tom Ridge.
"Cmon in Tom Ridge!" says me. "Would you like some brownies?"
"We are not interested in brownies, Fafnir," says Tom Ridge. "The Department of Homeland Security must sieze your absentee ballot before it can be used to aid and abet a terrorist attack on the United States."
"Are you sure you do not want brownies Tom Ridge?" says me. "They have peanut butter chips!"
Official Homeland Security Department ballot-sniffin dogs sniff my apartment an find my absentee ballot. "Aha!" says Tom Ridge. "Fafnir, by the authority placed in me by the Government and Jesus and many other large things, I'm placing you under arrest!"
"Oh no!" says me. "What for?"
"For plotting to vote for John Kerry!" says Tom Ridge. "As Vice President Cheney noted today, if John Kerry gets elected in November, 'we'll get hit again and we'll be hit in a way that will be devastating from the standpoint of the United States.' That means the election of John Kerry is the election of another terrorist attack. That means by voting for John Kerry you've participated in a terrorist conspiracy to attack the United States of America!"
"I am sorry Tom Ridge I had no idea!" says me.
"Ignorance of the law is no excuse!" says Tom Ridge.
"But I did not even completely vote for John Kerry!" says me. "I just kinda made a pencil mark there."
"Attempted terrorism is still a crime!" says Tom Ridge. Oh I wish he had just eaten the brownies!
"What if I vote for someone else?" says me. "Like President Bush or libertarian candidate Michael Badnarik?"
"Not good enough!" says Tom Ridge. "This is a war on terror, not some political stunt! We fully inforce the law, and you crossed it by endangering this country, mister! Take him off to Guantanamo, boys!"

Oh no! I didnt mean to commit a terrorist act! Whatever will I do!
posted by fafnir at 4:49 PM

Florida has been in the news lately - and for something other than election fraud! - where millions of residents are once again battling the elements for the right to continue living in an overheated swamp infested with blood-sucking insects and killer reptiles. You make Giblets proud, Florida! Your devotion to the suburban colonization of nature is absolute!

Yes Californians get an earthquake now and then, yes it snows up north. But only you have decided to shuffle off to an enormous foul poisonous bog afflicted with giant man-eating lizards which is routinely punched from the sky by storm titans who seek to blot it from the very sight of God!

You have recognized that it is Man's Great Destiny to colonize every inch of the planet even - no! especially! - those parts of the earth that are so comically inhospitable that the assembled forces of God and Nature lash out in a concerted attempt to destroy their aged, enfeebled residents on a regular basis! If you liked sunny weather you could have moved to Arizona. If you liked tourist traps you could have moved to Las Vegas. If you liked vast political corruption you could have moved to Chicago. But your Faustian striving for a ranch home in a noxious wind-battered wasteland has driven you to boldly live where no one else would ever want to before!

Giblets awaits the day when humans will build gated communities at the bottom of the ocean, in the heart of the Sahara, on the Moon, inside active volcanos, within the snarling engorged throats of mad and slavering Elder Gods! Let no region, no matter how inhospitable, slow your suburban sprawl! You are the pioneers of tomorrow, and from Giblets's sane and survivable mild north Atlantic climate, he salutes you!
posted by Giblets at 12:04 PM
Monday, September 6, 2004

"I am dissatisfied with Tide™," says me. "Maybe I should switch to All™."
"Bah!" says Giblets. "Tide™ is as strong as the force of nature it invokes! All™ is as weak as the complacent internationalism suggested by its name!"
"But Tide™ eats holes in my knits an silks," says me. "An it harshly bleaches out my colors."
"All™ will make your colors run insteada boldly standin out in the face of enemy fabrics!" says Giblets.
"There is no real evidence to support that Giblets," says me. "Besides Tide™ does not break up dirt an tough grass stains. It chases em for a while before leavin to attack other loads."
"Tide™ will get those other loads clean eventually!" says Giblets. "An when those loads are clean it will set off a cleanliness domino effect! Cleanliness will start spreadin to neighborin washin machines an then through the entire laundromat until it scrubs your stubborn grass stains away!"
"I dunno Giblets," says me. "I have put a couple hundred billion dollars a quarters into this load an it's still a mess."
"Tide™'s commercials are strong an resolute!" says Giblets. "All™'s commercials are flimsy an flip-flop on critical issues! One day they say All™ brightens colors, the next day they say it whitens whites! Well which is it All™?"
"All™ has changed its formula since the early seventies," says me. "It is New an Improved. Why doesn't Tide™ ever improve?"
"Tide™ needs no improvement!" says Giblets. "Tide™'s wife is smiley an warm an looks like the human personification of the bakin of oatmeal cookies! All™'s wife is a cranky out-of-touch ketchup heiress! Tide™ is sturdy an earthy just like Giblets wants to be! All™'s Vietnam service may be questionable!"
"Those are just smear campaigns Giblets," says me. "All™ served its country while Tide™ was sittin on a shelf in the laundry room of the Texas Air National Guard."
"The leadin brand will not remove caked-on mud and grime!" says Giblets. "The leadin brand will capitulate to the Islamofascists!"
"Well we agree to disagree," says me. "Like we do whenever we talk about Coke™ versus Poison™."
"It may taste bad an curdle my blood an kill me," says Giblets. "But at least I know where Poison™ stands."
posted by fafnir at 7:11 PM

You cannot stop them. You cannot resist them. They are relentlessly marchin in your direction and there is nothing you can do to wave off the delicious mechanized onslaught of the frozen pot pies.

These pies have not been baked by man or God or nature. They have been constructed in a huge smoke-spewin factory by powerful powerful robots. Trees an hills an oceans are slurped up by their giant mechanical arms an stuffed into furnaces for fuel. "Oh no!" say fish an wildlife. "Our oceans!" But no one can stop the relentless an powerful powerful robots from their tasty an terrible duty.

Rollin out of the factories come thousands of tiny identical frozen pies. Some have chicken or somethin that tastes just like chicken. Some have beef or somethin that tastes just like beef! They climb down from the factory into the city into your neighborhood an just like that into your grocer's frozen food section where they are waitin patiently for you to taste their synthetic scrumptiousness.

Some do not like the frozen pies. "They are not real pies!" they say. "They are cold an unpielike! They are takin our pies' jobs! They are made of coal an textiles!" But the frozen pies do not respond. They sit in their molded pie tins, ready at a moment's notice to spring into action and be efficiently delicious. You cannot stop them. You cannot resist them.


posted by fafnir at 4:03 PM
Thursday, September 2, 2004

Giblets was pretty happy to hear that the Republicans were gonna talk about the future in their convention, insteada lookin' at the past like those moldy ol' Democrats. What would the big bold plans be for the next Bush administration? They could not possibly be as big or as bold as Giblets's - but then again whose could! - but would they be big enough or bold enough to moderately impress him? Probably not but whose could, again I am Giblets!*

But the Republican plan for the next four years is big and bold, as Giblets can tell from listening to speeches by Zell Miller and Dick Cheney. The main policy initiative of a second Bush term would be - and Giblets may be reading between the lines a little here - to build a huge government sponsored time machine, use it to travel back to the past, and kill John Kerry before he is even born!

Giblets must admit - he is intrigued! But will the GOP really be able to follow-through will such a bold strategy or will they go for something a little more centrist like sending George Bush back in time to impregnate John Kerry's mother so that John Kerry is born less offensively Kerrylike and more Bushlike? That would be less bold but more logistically complicated. How for example doe George Bush plan to seduce Mrs. Kerry? Does Dick Cheney plan to impregnate John Edwards's mother as well? Giblets has many questions. Do George Bush and the Republican PArty have the answers? Giblets had better find out tonight.

*Extending Fourteenth Amendment rights to fetuses while denying them to gays, HA! Giblets will extend FIRST Amendment rights to sperm and ova and deny the right of habeas corpus to all but Giblets and descendents of Giblets!
posted by Giblets at 10:29 AM
Wednesday, September 1, 2004

Welcome again to Fafblog convention speechbloggin! Again to elimnate confusion I will type in normal-language an Giblets will type in italics-language.

Well Giblets we have heard that this speech will have a lot of red meat for the delegates. Is there any chance it or the Zell Miller speech we just heard could turn off moderates?

Only if moderates are a buncha girls, Fafnir. You're not a buncha girls, are you, moderates?

A pretty strong entrance. Big applause, an the crimson robes an the goblet of blood are a nice touch.

Dick Cheney needs his bling, man.

I like the part about how you need a president you can count on to get things right. Like invadin the right countries an goin after the right terrorists.

Exactly. If we hadn't invaded Iraq and removed its dangerous stockpile of civilians, why Saddam Hussein could be usin huge civilian-loaded catapults to fling Iraqis at the United States right now!

An if we hadn't let Osama bin Laden get away he never woulda gotten captured by aliens, reprogrammed an turned into the super-cyborg UltraTerrorist, an returned to earth to fight for truth an justice!

That's right. Remember how useful Osama was in fightin off last year's Mole Men invasion! All that woulda been wasted if George Bush made the wrong decision and went after al Qaeda.

I am glad that Dick Cheney is stickin it to Kerry for not supportin our troops in combat. Yknow cause a that vote he had somewhere.

It is worse than that Fafnir! Remember that when you criticize the President you are criticizin the troops an sappin their morale because the military is the bodily extension of the President. Tanks and troops are like his fingers and toes! He feels them from thousands of miles away with his mighty Presidential brain!

Oh yeah! I think that is in Article III or something.

I also like that this isn't just a fluff speech Giblets. Like he does not just say "John Kerry wants to show the enemy our 'soft side'" as if to reduce foreign policy to childish name-callin where you impugn your critics masculinity. He specifically points out John Kerry's plan to defeat the Iraqi insurgency by bakin delicious chocolate-chip brownies for Abu Musab al-Zarwai.

Very true. I do not think many foreign policy experts were very impressed by Kerry's 12-Point Delicious Brownie Initiative.

An finally a firm fierce yet fact-driven closer: "Elect John Kerry and his girly Frenchy-French cowardice will annihilate us all."

An really when you look at all the facts who can argue?

A powerful speech Giblets. But do you think tearin the beatin heart outta the livin John Kerry impersonator to cap it off will alienate swing voters?

Nah. 'Sides what's the point a bein the boss if you can't have fun at your own party?
posted by fafnir at 11:02 PM
Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Giblets is standin' in the special blogger press box at the Republican National Convention, where he is being annointed with oils by scented wage-slaves and fed luscious grapes, as befits a blogger of his stature! And from here he has heard what is undoubtedly the greatest speech ever given at a political convention ever, if not the greatest speech on anything in all of time. By Arnold Schwarzenegger. It is true - his oratorial skills are only matched by his prowess as an actor!

What struck Giblets the most - other than Arnold's moving story of growing up in an alternate-universe Soviet-occupied Austria - was his challenge to America. "To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say: Don't be economic girly-men!" Presidents with BALLS create massive, half-trillion-dollar deficits and lose millions of jobs! Weak-kneed fiscally-conservative PUSSIES worry about "balancing the budget" and "creating more jobs"! Well Giblets has a message to those pussies straight from the Governor of California: stop worrying about growing the economy and start growing a penis and testicles! 'Cause real men flush economies down the toilet, let terrorists escape, invade the wrong countries and go on to beat the Predator in a knock-down drag-out no-holds-barred fight!

Giblets, like all real-men Republicans, is wrestling a giant squid as he writes this in his press box. Will you wrestle that giant squid? Do you have the sperm-producing power to do so? And do you have the same powerful testes to vote for Bush? If not Giblets will simply assume that you are a shriveled impotent hermaphroditic wretch and will be throwin' spitballs at you from the back of the classroom until such a time as you summon the testicular fortitude to support the President who courageously shrugs in the face of North Korean nuclear proliferation.
posted by Giblets at 10:49 PM

Giblets does not spend much time on Republican women other than to respond to the eternal query, "Which of the Bush twins is the hottest?" (Obvious answer: Barbara.) But one has lit a flame in my Gibletsian heart. Yes, the flame of Liddy Dole, whose spastic, stream-of-consciousness appeals from one right-wing cause celebre to another have melted Giblets's iron heart! Who else could effortlessly segue from anti-abortion rhetoric to gay-bashing in a single sentence? Who else could claim the invocation of Christ on the penny as an inalienable human right? Giblets was hopin' she'd top it off by dropping her pants, mooning the cameras an sayin "Fuck you, religious minorities! America is Jesusland!" but she obviously chose to close more subtlely and let Laura Bush take the glory.

And all this on Compassion Night! Man, I thought all these speeches were gonna be for pussies.
posted by Giblets at 6:47 PM

A Fafblog Guide

So it is Republican National Conventiontime an there are all these funny people in your town all of a sudden. They do not look like you. They do not act like you. They may dress in more cow-an-flag-themed apparel than you are accustomed to. Do not panic! They are not invaders or zombies (if they are please consult the Fafblog guide So Your City Is Full Of Zombies!). They are Republicans an they are jus like you an me! Take a minute an get to know your new Republican neighbors with Fafblog!

  • Approaching Your Republican! Do not be scared or nervous when you see a Republican. He is much more scared of you than you are of him! Communicate with large friendly motions an giant puppets. Your Republican will see you are not a threat an should relax momentarily. Then you can earn his trust with an offering of food like pickles or nuts or baby's blood!
  • Communication! Stick to common interests to establish a rapport with your Republican. Suggested topics include Rudi Giuliani, the enjoyability or non-enjoyability of weather, an the usefulness of food an oxygen. Do not stray from these topics! You may startle your Republican. Remember that in the wild you are natural enemies an you would have already torn each others' carapaces with your hunting fangs.
  • Cultural Bondin! Show your Republican that your home an culture are nothin to be afraid of. Take him to the park or to a Yankees game! Remember to bring lots of umbrellas an sunscreen because your Republican is not used to the harsh light of open nature. He has been raised in dark squalid caves filled with toxic poisons where he hunts bats an small elves for sustenance. Do not take your Republican to a museum! He comes from a "Red State" where all art is banned an has been replaced by very large engines eternally pumpin greenhouse gases into the atmosphere for no reason whatsoever. Exposure to the culture shock of an art installation or even a sidewalk painter could cause him to choke on the industrial waste that flows through his body in place of blood.
  • Acceptance an Relaxation! Republicans are people just like you an me even though our worlds are completely separated by impenetrable cultural differences an the genetic drift caused by Martian-Human interbreeding. Relax an enjoy your new Republican friend!
  • posted by fafnir at 5:52 PM

    Fafblog is proud to bring you blog coverage of the Republican National Convention Spectacular 2004! With any luck this convention will almost be as excitin as the Democratic National Convention in Boston! Will the Republicans nominate President Bush? Will they not nominate President Bush? Will they perhaps on a surprise whim nominate Maine's Olympia Snowe? Who knows it is a convention everythin is up in the air!

    Take last night when firebrand maverick John McCain spoke an broke away from his prepared remarks an insteada sayin "George Bush strong, 9/11 Iraq, Michael Moore fat," he started goi on abot how George Bush was a weak an ineffectual president who had blown the war on terror an urged Republicans to unite behind a strong competent leader with the focus an intelligence to defeat the terrorists. An then he exploded on stage!

    Then later on former mayor Rudolph Giuliani got up an said that gays should be given the same rights an priveleges as all other Americans an should be welcomed into the Republican Party instead of chased out of it. And then he turned into a giant radioactive lizard an set the city on fire with his nuclear breath!

    Man oh man this convention! What will happen next!
    posted by fafnir at 3:27 PM

    Fafblog is back an is reportin live. But it seems we are reportin live... from HELL! Where else but Hell would it be so hot an so humid an so full of Republicans an anarchists an puppets? "This hot dog cost me three dollars!" says Giblets. "Truly this is the land of the damned!"

    How did me an Giblets end up in Hell? We do not know! We were takin a bus to the Republican National Convention an somethin terrible musta happened like a wayward collision with a toad-driven retro automobile or a lost fiddle contest cause here we are!

    "But didn't Santa give us salvation for Christmas?" says me.
    "We did not have enough faith in him!" says Giblets. "An now look at us we are damned to hell!"

    I think for a sec maybe it isn't true but then LOOK! There is CNN's Aaron Brown! An Brit Hume! An Hannity - AND Colmes! Truly this is the land of the damned!
    posted by fafnir at 2:21 PM
    Tuesday, August 24, 2004

    Me an Giblets an the Medium Lobster are goin to the beach for a while. "Why Fafnir what could possibly be goin on at the beach that could require your brilliant investigative journalist skills" you are of course askin. Sand my friends. Very large clumps of sand. Is sand the new swing vote? The new "soccer mom" or "NASCAR dad"? Fafblog will find out.

    We will be back in one (1) week. What could happen while we are out?
    posted by fafnir at 9:36 PM

    "Do you think the world's gonna end?" says me.
    "It has to," says Giblets. "Or else the scene'll get dull, man."
    "It has to to achieve closure," says me.
    "It has to or else Giblets will be damn pissed!" says Giblets. "Giblets wants death-comets! Giblets wants his plague of frogs!"
    "Do you think Jesus'll come back?" says me.
    "Not without a ton of funding," says Giblets.
    "That's true," says me. "The budget for the Jesus Apocalypse is pretty huge."
    "The special effects alone," says Giblets. "And Jesus doesn't come cheap either."
    "What about a natural disaster?" says me. "Like climate change or flyin saucers?"
    "Bah!" says Giblets. "Climate change is an urban myth like bigfoot and the CIA and the Irish!"
    "Could bigfoot end the world?" says me.
    "Nah, his foot's too big," says Giblets.
    "What if we run outta oil cause theres only so much oil an we all keep usin oil an the world jus stops cause it all runs on oil?" says me.
    "We will never run out of oil!" says Giblets drinkin oil.
    "Giblets that is what you said about runnin out of dodos," says me.
    "There are still some out there!" says Giblets. "Come back to Giblets little dodos! Giblets misses you so!"
    "What if the sun explodes?" says me.
    "Then we will escape the sun on mighty space arks and spread the seed of our glorious species throughout the galaxy!" says Giblets.
    "What if the galaxy explodes?" says me.
    "Then we will evolve into giant cosmic luminous New Age Space Whales and fly through the universe devouring all who oppose us!" says Giblets.
    "What if the universe explodes?" says me.
    "Then who cares about the universe anyway Giblets has always hated it it smells like space-smell!" says Giblets.
    "What if the world ends an we miss it?" says me. "What if we're walkin around one day goin 'Wow this is such a neat world' an then all of a sudden it's gone an we didn't notice it goin?"
    "That would never happen!" says Giblets. "It is too lame and anticlimactic!"
    "I don't want the world to end," says me. "I like the world."
    "Well you can't keep hangin onto the universe forever," says Giblets. "It's all part a growin up."
    "But Giblets!" says me. "We are faced with an eschatological dilemma! If the world ends don't we end too?"
    "Never!" says Giblets. "The world may be temporal but Fafnir and Giblets are forever!"
    "Yes!" says me. "We defy all ends! An middles an beginnings for good measure!"
    "We defy linearity!" says Giblets. "We are of the internet and embrace its heady disjointed bosom!"
    "We are hypertextual dispensationalists!" says me. "The endtimes cannot touch us!"
    "But what will we do after the world ends?" says Giblets.
    "Dunno," says me. "We got that ol Yahtzee set."
    "And Risk, the game of world domination," says Giblets.
    "And Fafblog," says me.
    "And Fafblog," says Giblets. "Even after the end of the age."


    posted by fafnir at 6:31 PM
    Sunday, August 22, 2004

    It has been a bad crazy time at Fafblog over the past sumpin-sump hours but lately it has gotten badder an crazier as a number of our permalinks do not work right.

    "Stupid permalinks!" says Giblets. "Stop bein stupid!"
    "We must be patient with permalinks," says me. "They are the buildin blocks of blogs. They are the babies from which our full-grown internet posts spring. Hush, little permalink. Hush now."

    Our blog it looks like has been messed-up bad by Blogger™ again. Not only is Blogger™ corruptin our blog-babies, it has stuck some stupid banner thing on top of Fafblog which cuts into the appealin Fafblog Seal of Quality. If you cannot accurately count the cows on the Fafblog Seal of Quality how do you know that Fafblog guarantees that Fafblog is of four-cow caliber?

    I for one am gettin fed up with Blogger™ an if it does not shape up there will be discipline.

    "Bad babies need discipline," says Giblets. "Stick em in a potato sack or a pickle jar for an hour or two an they straighten right out."
    "Where are your children again?" says me.
    "Their weird mothers wouldnt let me see em," says Giblets.
    posted by fafnir at 10:57 AM
    Friday, August 20, 2004

    Serious political thinker an media critic Glenn Reynolds reports that journalism is "unravelling before our very eyes" on accounta that The Washington Post hasnt mentioned the terrible fact that when John Kerry was sent to Cambodia he apparently was sent there several days after he remembered bein sent there!

    "It's insane!" says serious political thinker an media critic Glenn Reynolds. "They call this 'objective' 'journalism'? How can we answer the question 'Should this man be president?' when our media refuses to address the question of his deeply questionable memory for dates?"
    "He says he was in Cambodia around Christmas but he was really in Cambodia in January!" says me. "He could be off by as much as three weeks! Three and a half even!"
    "What if he's supposed to meet with Kim Jong Il and he shows up three weeks early?" says serious political thinker an media critic Glenn Reynolds. "Mushroom clouds over Seoul, that's what if!"
    "Now that would be 'seared' in his memory!" says me.
    "Heh!" says serious political thinker an media critic Glenn Reynolds.

    It is not too late to save yourselves from obsolescence Fourth Estate! Please report this vital story now!
    posted by fafnir at 8:58 PM

    Well this is perhaps the weightiest an import-est day ever in our week of weight an import because today we are interviewin none other than the President of the United States himself George W. Bush! It is amazin what is he doin talkin to a little internet blog!

    FAFBLOG: Mr. President thank you so much for bein here today!
    GEORGE W. BUSH: The lesion is all mine, Fafnir.
    FB: Now Mr. President there's been a lotta talk lately about how "oh there were no weapons in Iraq" an "oh there was no al Qaeda connection to Iraq" an "oh holy crap why are we stuck in Iraq" an "can you please please get us out of Iraq."
    GWB: Fafnir, you hear all kindsa crazy talk out there. Some people out there believe in things like bigfoot an' global warming. But one thing is certain: we could not shrink from our duty in confronting terror in Iraq. If freedom is to defeat terror, it must demonstrate its strengthativity over evil. It must be tough. Real tough. So tough it must attack the terrorists where they don't even exist.
    FB: Wow... that is pretty tough!
    GWB: Now watch me cut this tree branch with a chainsaw.
    FB: Hey, you are pretty tough-lookin yourself Mr. President! That tree branch didn't stand a chance!
    GWB: Some days I take on a whole hedge all by myself.
    FB: Now Mr. President things arent goin too good rebuildin Iraq an a lotta people say you coulda planned for it better or maybe at all. What do you say to those people Mr. President?
    GWB: Y'know, Fafnir, Iraq is free now. It has freedom. You can't hold back and delay freedom. A great American once said that freedom denied is freedom... not good freedom.
    FB: I think that was Cap'n Crunch! He was also a military man!
    GWB: Freedom can't wait for UN bureacrats or weapons inspectors or post-war plannin', Fafnir. Freedom's gotta bust out an' be freedom.
    FB: I hear freedom is gay! Come out freedom! We will still love you!
    GWB: But in order to spread freedom we must be resolute against the voices of negatissity that would deny that freedom to others. The same negative naysayers that criticize our liberation of Afghanistan and the Moon.
    FB: But the Moon is so much better since we liberated it!
    GWB: The Moon now enjoys peaceful security and freedom, Fafnir. The moon is a rising democracy, and we are moving forward with swiftitude toward free elections on the Moon, where all the people will freely participate in their newfound freeness.
    FB: Think of all the obstacles they overcame like not existing.
    GWB: Now watch me rope this moo cow.
    FB: That is some impressive ropin! I bet you coulda roped him even better if he was awake!
    GWB: Thankya very much Fafnir. 'Preciate it.
    FB: Now Mr. President a group called Swift Boat Vets for Trooth are attackin John Kerry's war record.
    GWB: I respect and admire what John Kerry did to serve his country, and I would never attack his war record, even if some people say he mighta shot himself in the foot on purpose to get outta 'Nam.
    FB: Really? Who says that?
    GWB: Some people. But I'd never say anything against John Kerry's war record, Fafnir. I just call upon both parties to eleminate all independent political speech like these ads, the ones that attack me, an' the people who say John Kerry's an enormous crab alien from the crab planet come to turn us all into crabs.
    FB: Oh wow! Who says that?
    GWB: Some people, you know. Don't pay much attention to it myself. You wanna go to a rally for 'em? Here's a flyer.
    FB: It is very generous of you to promote this group even though you think they shouldnt get any money Mr. President.
    GWB: I guess it's just part of my down-to-earth, heartland values.
    FB: Hey - I guess it is!
    GWB: Now watch me eat a whole yak dipped in barbecue sauce.

    Tomorrow we will close Interview Sorta-Week with one of the great thinkers of our time. All of us are very excited!
    posted by fafnir at 7:43 PM
    Thursday, August 19, 2004

    Well I just found this story by way of Balloon Juice (one of the finest kindsa juice) an it has us dismayed over at Fafblog.

    "I am dismayed because that little girl cannot eat the wafer," says me. "Without the wafer she will never get her recommended daily allowance of Jesus."
    "Giblets is not concerned with the heartless exclusionary legalism of the Catholic hierarchy!" says Giblets. "Giblets is concerned because it clearly states that only unleavened wheat can turn into parts of Jesus! We have been workin with leavened flour!"
    "But we have to Giblets," I says pointin at the nicely molded Jesus dough. "Otherwise our Jesus Bread-Golem will not rise when we bake him."
    "But what is the point of bakin a Jesus if the priest we get cannot turn him into a real Jesus?" says Giblets. "We will just have a huge, useless, tasty, fresh, bready Jesus sittin in our oven!"
    "But surely God will want to transubstantiate our bread Jesus," says me. "It is our best plan yet for bringin Jesus back."
    "God can't make regular bread into Jesus! It is against the Jesus code!" says Giblets. "I told you we should have brought Jesus back as Cyborg Jesus. We have the technology. We can rebuild him!"
    "We cannot afford the technology," says me. "It is like the time we tried to build Mecha-Jesus an could only buy one mechanical Jesus toe."
    "We would have already had a functioning Jesus Clone if it wasn't for you gettin the wrong Shroud of Turin," says Giblets.
    "The Pope tole me it was genuine Jesus blood!" says me.
    "An now we are stuck with Crazy Templar Guy in our basement," says Giblets.
    There is an eerie Latin moanin comin up from underneath.
    "I think he is hungry," says me. "He wants more soup an Byzantine gold."
    "Man," says Giblets, "I hate Crazy Templar Guy."


    posted by fafnir at 2:17 PM

    So on Tuesday George Bush said his plan for a missile defense shield showed he was living in the future. So far into the future he doesn't have to worry about terrorists anymore.
    "I think those who oppose this ballistic missile system really don't understand the threats of the 21st century," he said. "They're living in the past. We're living in the future. We're going to do what's necessary to protect this country."
    Namby-pamby suspiciously-French-lookin' Democrat John Kerry is plannin' to take money AWAY from this incredibly important overpriced boondoggle and send it towards expanding the military! Clearly John Kerry is not living in the future! He is stranded way back in the present, when we still needed "troop strength" and "special forces" to hunt down "terrorists"!

    George Bush is more interested in the threats of tomorrow, which oddly enough look strangely like the threats of 1980: thousands of intercontinental missiles comin' across the sea from commie nations, possibly such as North Korea* and France. Our only defense against them? A missile shield that will one day, in the future, fail only about eighty to ninety percent of the time!

    Again Giblets is not impressed! Giblets is living even farther into the future, in a time when terrorism and pinko-tyranny are both irrelevant! Giblets demands that we spend 1.8 trillion dollars on an array of massive space lasers pointed outward to defend Earth against the onslaught of immense insectoid invaders who will strike from beyond the asteroid belt! Giblets will not allow the tyrant Bug Emperor to lay its death spores in our atmosphere - and the whiney pleas of those stuck formulating "today's" foreign policy to secure the former Soviet nuclear stockpile will not get in his way!

    Once more Giblets outdoes George Bush at every turn! Whose vision is grander? Who not only bypasses today's wars to fight what we think are tomorrow's, but gives tomorrow a pass for sometime next week? The answer is clear: Giblets!

    *Fafnir interjects "wouldn't it have been a good idea to have yknow worked to disarm North Korea so we wouldn'ta haveta talk about a missile shield" Goway Fafnir what do you know bout livin in the future!
    posted by Giblets at 9:29 AM

    1. There will be cheering for Giblets during Giblets's posts.
    2. No one wearing t-shirts for anti-Giblets personae, such as Mutton or Stelbig, will be permitted.
    3. No one wearing t-shirts for non-Giblets personae, such as Fafnir or the seminal proto-punk band Velvet Underground, will be permitted.
    4. When Giblets addresses hostile-to-Giblets demographics such as women or old people or the Pope or unions or smelly people or humans, they are to sit quietly in the back while pro-Giblets people crowd in front of them and cheer for Giblets.
    5. When you first enter the post a Giblets supporter will ask you, "Do you support Giblets? If not why don't you support Giblets? Support Giblets! Support Giblets now!" Then they will yell at you and hit you with small hammers and fish until you relent.
    6. You may now cheer for Giblets.
    7. Cheer for him NOW.
    posted by Giblets at 8:37 AM
    Wednesday, August 18, 2004

    One week after the California Supreme Court annulled over over 4,000 gay marriages in San Francisco, the Medium Lobster is pleased to report that marriage is already strengthening in America.

    Marriage - once thought to have been destroyed beyond repair due to the dual throbbing sodomite assault in both Massachusetts courtrooms and upon the late, lamented Federal Marriage Amendment - has been notably strengthened since the decision. Divorce rates have plummeted throughout not only California, but the nation in general. Rush Limbaugh, the Medium Lobster is given to understand, is getting back together with not just one, but all three of his ex-wives. California governor and gay marriage opponent Arnold Schwarzenegger has noted that he will continue to grope and manhandle strange women, but now when he does so, he will do it in order to lovingly honor his sacred bonds of matrimony. And Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum has sprouted five new penises with which he may deposit fertilizing seed within the womb of his Godly, heterosexual wife.

    For those poor souls still living in desolate regions where gay civil marriage throws its dark shroud over the land, the Medium Lobster advises the installation of miniature clones of valiant culture-warriors such as Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, who will repeatedly shout "Your marriage is more real than a gay person's! Your marriage is more real than a gay person's!" in order to boost the strength of proper, heterosexual, vaginal-intercourse marriage with powerful bigot-beams.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 1:37 PM

    There are times when the Medium Lobster is beseeched by linear beings who seek to understand a portion of that greater wisdom which is possessed by the Medium Lobster. And today the Medium Lobster has deigned it appropriate to respond.

    Petitioner Stephen Richards asks:
    I seek your enlightenment on the question of how much knowledge a true citizen should need before an election. In particular I am curious to whether the candidates - if deemed elected - would invade Iran to protect us all from the forces of evil. ...

    However I am unsure if the press should even ask such a question. How much truth is too much truth for the American voter in a war for truth in the world? Should America be allowed to know where both candidates stand on this issue - before November? ...
    Ah, Stephen. The larger issue - should America invade Iran? - is a serious one, and will surely be addressed by the Medium Lobster in the days to follow. But your question - should the press ask George Bush and John Kerry if they support an invasion of Iran? - is even more crucial, for it goes to the very heart of the nature of the Presidency itself.

    No, Stephen, the media should not press a candidate - or an elected President, for that matter - on his wartime plans. Not because the public does not have a right to know - although this is questionable indeed - but because it is not the job of the President to invade Iran, or conduct a war, or decide matters of policy in general. No, Stephen, the President does not exist to make petty decisions such as these, to muddy his hands in the tedious affairs of state. He exists not to guide the nation to where it should be. He exists to project an image of what it wants to be.

    America doesn't need a President to lead them; America needs a President who projects leadership. America doesn't need a President who's honest with his country; America needs a President who's honest with his wife. America doesn't need a President with a firm grasp of policy and a commitment to serving his country; America needs a President with the appearance of irrepressible optimism and Wholesome Heartland Values. America doesn't need a capable wartime President; America needs a President who makes himself look like war.

    And President Bush has done a magnificent job of that. Indeed, he's even started a couple of them. Remember, it's not the President's job to finish or win wars - that falls into the lower realm of policy. But within the realm of Strength - or the apprearance of Strength - it is the Strong Leader who charges boldly into wars, undaunted by the humdrum webs of "post-war planning" and laborious "coalition-building" called for by "sensitive" policy-makers.

    The job of the President of the United States is to forcefully emote the conscious and unconscious will of the American People. He is not the commander-in-chief. He is the Happy Warrior. He is the Priest-Avatar of the State.

    As Colorado Governor Bill Owens said when defending President Bush's supposedly-infamous seven minutes sitting before schoolchildren on September 11th, "A lot of what governors and presidents have to do is project a level of confidence and a level of calmness." Indeed, and that is exactly what the President did on that terrible day: when America needed to be protected, George Bush was projecting an aura of protectedness; when America needed to be safe, George Bush was looking like safety; when America needed to be strong, George Bush was exuding something like strength. When you watch that clip again, in Michael Moore's detestable piece of propaganda or elsewhere, remind yourself, This is what a President is for: projecting, smiling, posing, waving, doing nothing.


    posted by the Medium Lobster at 11:07 AM

    Fafblog Interview Week 2 took some time off for the weekend. It caught a couple movies, lazed around, washed the car, got some chores done, watched some Olympic people do Olympic stuff on TV. But now it is back to work! Back to work with an interview with Iyad Allawi the new prime minister of Iraq!

    FAFBLOG: Yknow I think the best thing about the New Iraq is now you can get a McFishwish anywhere!
    IYAD ALLAWI: Please, have some more fries.
    FB: Now Iyad Allawi, the Oregon National Guard found a buncha Iraqi prison guards torturin Iraqi prisoners, includin a fourteen-year-old-boy. An when they tried to rescue them they had orders to give em back.
    ALLAWI: Fafnir, nobody likes torture. Except, of course, for torturers. But think about it this way: if we hadn't tortured that fourteen-year-old-boy, what would he be doing right now? Drugs. Drugs, and jihadism. And that would just lead him down the dark winding path to smoking dope and setting roadside bombs.
    FB: Wow... so torture is preventive discipline!
    ALLAWI: Having wires wrapped around your testicles is a small price to pay for keeping you out of a life of crime and terror, Fafnir.
    FB: Hey, you're sorta like the "tough on crime" candidate!
    ALLAWI: Exactly!
    FB: 'Cept nobody votes for you! But Iyad Allawi is torture democratic?
    ALLAWI: Fafnir, democracy is like a horse, or a beautiful woman. It is a fine thing to see, and everyone admires it, but in order to get it to behave sometimes you must beat it and torture it and shock its gentals.
    FB: I am not sure I want to be your horse Iyad Allawi.
    ALLAWI: But trust me my friend: you would want to be my woman.
    FB: Now Iyad Allawi, you have banned the TV news station Al Jazeera. Mr. Allawi some would say that is against principles of freedom of the press.
    ALLAWI: Absolutely not! We were merely acting to end Al Jazeera's incitement of violence. And I remain certain that within a week or so the journalism-inspired carnage in Najaf will finally come to an end.
    FB: Well now that I hear your side of the story that sounds very reasonable! But Mr. Allawi what about you bannin criticism of yourself in the news?
    ALLAWI: An absolute necessity. We can only pray it will put an end to the terrible Allawi-criticism-inspired massacre in Fallujah.
    FB: Wow... massive restrictions on free speech don't sound so bad after all!
    ALLAWI: Oh, they're a small price to pay for law and order, Fafnir.
    FB: You're just sorta the "tough on speech" candidate too!
    ALLAWI: Oh, it's part of my platform!
    FB: There are rumors that you personally killed six blindfolded men suspected of bein insurgents back in June. Is that true?
    ALLAWI: [winking] Oh, absolutely not! That would make me a cold-blooded monster!
    FB: Oh well that's good then!
    ALLAWI: And yet if it were true, or if enough people believed it were true, it could make me pass as the kind of believably vicious strongman who could crush insurgency and restore order to Iraq.
    FB: Hey you're right! But you did bring back the death penalty!
    ALLAWI: And you can bet we'll use it - a lot!
    FB: That would make you the "tough on life" candidate!
    ALLAWI: Now you're getting the hang of it!
    FB: Iyad Allawi,are you a democracy-minded strongman?
    ALLAWI: Oh yes. Why, I think about democracy all the time! Why just this morning I was having some eggs, and I thought to myself, "You know, Iyad, in a way, these eggs are sort of like democracy."
    FB: That is so deep.
    ALLAWI: And then I ate them. Would you like to see the torture chambers?
    FB: Yes please.
    posted by fafnir at 10:04 AM
    Monday, August 16, 2004

    Gary Farber seems upset. He has spent some time hangin' out with the kind of people who use the word "idiotarian" on a regular basis and details a painful one-way exchange of internet thought. All this leads Gary to conclude that "Anti-Muslim hate is hate. And hate in blogs is hate. Both need to be fought. Neither should be tolerated."

    Poor foolish Gary Farber. Don't you see? Hatred must blossom in blogs. We must hate for Liberty. Discovery. Humanity. And Victory.

    We must hate because we are at war, and because the enemy we face is different than any enemy we have ever faced before. It is more scary than Commies or Charlie or whatnot. It is the Islamist. Giblets is not sure what "Islamists" are and he suspects that neither do any of these people. But it sounds scary.

    But perhaps not scary enough - or hatable enough. Giblets suggests replacing "Islamists" with "Muslinazis."

    We must hate moderate Muslims too because they are not doin' their proper part in the War Against Islamists. We preventively invade one of their countries and occupy it, kill eleven thousand civilians or so, torture and molest them, and hand the government over to an ex-Baathist assassin and these guys not only don't help us out along the way, they seem downright ungrateful! Whose side are these people on, anyway?

    We must hate in general because everything changed after 9/11. Before 9/11 - on 9/10 if you will - Giblets would say "Sure Gary Farber, let us join hand-in-hand in love with our fellow man." But since 9/11 it is a harsher darker world. A world in which we can join hand-in-hand in love with our fellow man... once our fellow man and all his relatives and countrymen have all been killed my mighty bombs of justice. Because our fellow man cannot fly his planes into our skyscrapers if he's dead Gary.

    Unless he's a zombie. In which case it is time for Giblets to declare the War Against Zombies.

    And finally we must hate because, like the emperor in Star Wars, our hatred will make us stronger. Feel it, Gary Farber. Feel your hatred make you stranger. And we must be a strong nation if we are to defeat the Islamists. The Islamist Nazi Fascist Zombies who want to take over your schools and make your grandchildren into more Islamist Nazi Fascist Zombies. And with your smoldering eye-popping rage you can defeat those Islamists.
    posted by Giblets at 9:14 PM

    "Giblets you should have gone to see Harold an Kumar Go To White Castle," says me. "It heralds the return of modern epic quest narrative, but in stoner form."
    "Giblets eschews stoner movies in the same way Giblets eschews stoners," says Giblets. "Stoners are always tryin to smoke Giblets in massive Giblets-sized bongs. Begone stoners! Leave Giblets alone!"
    "It was the Citizen Kane of stoner movies," says me. "It touched on important ideas like the American dream an racial identity an boobs an stuff."
    "I prefer movies that teach important life lessons such as Alien Versus Predator," says Giblets, "which taught me that when faced with an Alien and a Predator Giblets should side with the Predator."
    "Yes because the enemy of my enemy is my friend," says me. "But is my friend the enemy of my enemy?"
    "That's a good question," says Giblets. "Are you enemies with my enemies, like that guy Lou from the taco stand?"
    "I dunno, I got no problem with Taco Stand Lou," says me. "Seems like a nice guy an he knows his tacos."
    "Cause if you aren't then we can't be friends!" says Giblets.
    "Okay Giblets okay," says me. "I will be enemies with Taco Stand Lou for you."
    "Great!" says Giblets. "Let's throw im in a potato sack an beat im with sticks."
    "I don't know if that is a good idea Giblets," says me. "I think it may alienate fellow taco stand dwellers for instance."
    "What is more important, your alliance with Giblets or your access to tacos?" says Giblets. "You are either with Giblets or with the taco guy!"
    "I know I have an idea!" says me. "Why don't we both get some tacos from the taco stand an call that a victory against our enemy Lou?"
    "How about we invade the taco stand an raid its tacos, then throw Lou in a potato sack an beat im with sticks?" says Giblets. "Giblets likes that idea better."
    "I think a solution which guarantees tacos an happiness an non-beatin with sticks is probably the one we are lookin for here," says me.
    "Hmmm, I dunno," says Giblets. "Giblets feels that his need for stick-beatin is bein seriously overlooked."
    "Well how many tacos would it take to make up for a lack of stick-beatin?" says me.
    "No amount of tacos would be sufficient!" says Giblets. "Giblets demands both tacos an the destruction of his enemies! We act now now now!"
    "Oh no mall security!" says me. "An they have sticks!"
    "Run away!" says Giblets an we do.

    So instead we bugged Mike at the hot dog place until he gave us some free hot dogs an we all went home happy.


    posted by fafnir at 6:24 PM

    There's a lot of Bush vs. Kerry foreign policy talk flyin' around right about now and frankly it does not impress Giblets much. John Kerry's people say "oh well John Kerry will be very competant in foreign policy blah blah blah" well Giblets couldn't give a rat's ass! Where is the Articulated Grand Strategy in competence, huh? Where is the entrepreneurial up-from-the-bootthings spirit? Where is the heart, John Kerry?

    The heart is with George Bush and his Bold Grand Strategy of turning all countries in the world into democracies by arbitrarily blowing them up. Now some would say that George Bush is not competant enough to carry out this Bold Grand Strategy and that you should vote for a competant smaller vision over an incompetant grander one. But what is the point, Giblets asks you, of competance if it does not serve anything worthy? And can anything be worthy if it is not Bold and Grand?

    The answer is no! And that is why you must vote... for Giblets. For Giblets is about to articulate a Grand Strategy for foreign policy so Bold and so Grand it will render unto incompetence any who dare pursue it! Giblets gives you... THE GIBLETS DOCTRINE!

  • ULTROCRACY PROMOTION! Giblets will not settle for promoting anything as pansy-ass as Democracy! He will not rest until every single country in the world - including countries where are no countries such as Antarctica, Atlantis, and the Moon - into Ultrocracies, democracies so ultra-democratic that the will of the people manifests itself as an immense avatar-being of pure energy that roams around the countryside turning garbage into food and corpses into high-paying private sector jobs!
  • GIBLETOLATERALISM! When multilateralism fails Giblets he will say "Screw the UN!" and continue on! But that is not all. When "coalitions of the willing" fail Giblets he will send America in alone to conquer and overrun the enemy! But when America itself fails Giblets - when the US Congress or even the military pansy out on him - Giblets himself will go to war - and he will totally kick ass!
  • PREEMPTION! Giblets will preempt any terrorist attack before it happens by donning his power-cape, flying around the globe, reversing the orbit of the earth and turning back time until Giblets stops the attack from happening! Then Giblets will travl back further in time and kill the terrorists' parents before they are born!
  • SUPREME HEGEMOCRATOCRACY! Giblets will maintain the power and hegemony of the United States by overpowering all nations in the world at once! Giblets now preemptively declares war on everyone in the world, effective on his inauguration! Giblets will handle the multiple war-fronts by dispatching a lighter, faster US military comprised of mini-divisions - one fat guy and one skinny guy, both in body armor and armed with special high-tech gadgetry, like Swiss Army knives and mini-nukes.
  • ALTERNATIVE ENERGY! How will Giblets fuel all of this? By sending spacemen up into space - to mine the great heaving glowy brains of God, which will power America for a thousand generations!

    Giblets expects a small legion of neo-Gibletsatives forming in The National Review, The Weekly Standard, and the editorial pages of the Wall Street Journal any minute now.
  • posted by Giblets at 10:36 AM

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