Thursday, August 12, 2004
It is official: not only is Giblets mightier and more Gibletsier than you, he is also cooler than you. The proof: he spent today with Alan Keyes.
We're cruisin' down I-90 in Al's red 'vette. Giblets is lookin' for hot chicks. He's lookin' for heinous crimes against the natural order of God. Along the way Al gets to talkin' and Giblets decides that he just might have a soft spot for this Alan Keyes fellow.
"The entirety of natural law, laid down by God and represented in the righteous spirit of the Declaration of Independence, stands opposed to the abomination of desolation that is the Department of Housing and Urban Devolopment, and so long as there is breath and strength within me I shall fight the existence of that ungodly crime against natural rights!"
Giblets can understand a calling like that. It is like the time Giblets was fightin' the mountain, or the tree, or the empty V8 can, and would not give up despite all odds because of the hideous blemish against divine will represented by the mountain, or the tree, or the empty V8 can, and the way it just sat there in Giblets's room without bowing to Giblets. Giblets may have lost that battle. But in a sense it is a battle that never ends. Goddamn V8 can.
On tax reform:
"The slavery of federal income tax has been forced upon us by the dark movement of homosexuals, whose own drive toward Hitlerian communism and Naziism will prove the annihilation of all the god-given freedoms the founding fathers held so dear!"
Giblets, too, is besieged by invisible enemies who attempt to thwart natural law. How else can it be that Giblets is not the supremely-acknowledged ruler of all? Because of the interference of tiny elves. Tiny, malicious elves.
"I ordered the number three value meal and I will receive the number three value meal! For I was endowed by my creator with an inalienable right to a double quarter pounder with cheese, a sixteen-ounce Coke, and a large order of fries, and the denial of that right shackles me to my ancestor's slaveship!"
What can Giblets say? At last Giblets has found a kindred spirit, despite his disturbing non-Gibletsness. The world is pitted against us, Alan Keyes, but we do not give up, because we are not just fighting for ourselves and our bizarre pet issues. We are fighting for lofty and obscure universal principles that mysteriously justify ourselves and our bizarre pet issues! Your struggle to abolish the estate tax and my struggle to crush humanity in my mighty fist are both part of one great struggle for the rights of the common man. We truly are warriors for the working-day.
posted by Giblets at 7:16 PM