Tuesday, January 20, 2004

It has been a good year for the internet. This is the year that brought us pay-per-download mp3s, the warblogger, the new AOL - everyone loves AOL! - and the internet candidate, a presidential candidate made entirely out of the internet! Only he can save us from John Kerry, the plate tectonics candidate.

It has also been a great year for porn. Porn has been so productive on the internet! Good for you, porn! You are one of the great rags-to-riches Horatio Alger stories of our time! I am proud of you. Porn has now produced more fetishes than there are parts of the human body. This is excitin because this means in the future porn will have to expand into the realm of human genetic engineering and greatly advance our scientific knowledge.

98% of internet bandwidth is currently bein used for the production and dissemination of porn. The rest of it is being used by brave Nigerian bankers who are doing their best to rescue millions of dollars from their corrupt government. There is a Mr. Nosa from the Benin Republic in our audience tonight who carries on this struggle in inboxes across the world. Keep fightin that good fight Mr. Nosa. Keep fightin that good fight.

The internet has made valiant gains in its war with its ancient enemy TV but the battle is far from over my friends. TV is a strong and resilient enemy with many supporters. While the internet has the magical warmth of human connection through the miracle of Friendster, TV is still the magic box that tells me all the stuff I need. "Look at this car or toothpaste or woman or hamburger, Fafnir," says TV. "Isn't it delicious or speedy or mouth-cleansing or sexy?" "Well that really is a sexy hamburger TV," says me, "but maybe I should buy a vegetable instead because it is healthier." "No no no!" says TV "you want to buy the toothpaste or car or hamburger or woman NOW!" and I do because it is TV and it must know better. I bought two books from Amazon last year but I bought everything on QVC's "Necklaces Tonite" last night. I couldn't help it there were so many necklaces. I plan to drape them around me like a cape.

Also everyone wants to be on TV because once they are on it they become more real, but people dont wanna go on the Internet on account of turning into a pseudonym or naked or both. We are trying hard to combat this. While the internet has now proved that such TV inhabitants as Jay Leno and Arnold Schwarzenegger are computer effects and that popular blogger Instapundit is not really an automated spambot, many TV supporters are still doubtful.

But do not be discouraged, internet! You have been successfully fighting the monolithic reporting of TV news with an army of blogs which finally bring us the truth: that everybody is yellin real loud at everybody else.

We do not know what the future will hold for us. We do not claim to know all the ways of Providence. Providence, Rhode Island, which held the last reported sighting of William Shatner, star of such films as "Falcon Down" and "American Psycho 2: All American Girl." May He guide us now. And may He continue to bless the internet.

(Applause)
posted by fafnir at 9:48 PM
Monday, January 19, 2004

Giblets's mighty patience has worn out with the Iowa Caucuses. Why are there no caucus-goers for Giblets here? Does no one in Iowa love Giblets?

Cleverly disguised as an Iowan (loudly yelling "I am from Iowa! Oh, I am stupid! Oh, I am fat like a cow!"), Giblets entered a caucus to get the cutting-edge "inside scoop." Inside they were all there, a big blob of nasty Iowans, caucusing away in one big terrifying ugly caucus. They were bleating like monkeys. Sheep-like monkeys. Giblets decided to cautiously investigate. The following is my audiotape of the inner workings of the caucus.

CAUCUS: Blah blah blah head count. Blah blah blah viable. Blah blah blah Kucinich. Blah blah blah ham.
GIBLETS: Aaaaa! You are all so stupid! What is wrong with you!
CAUCUS: RRRRAAAAARGH!

Giblets valiantly struggled against the caucus, but it was too fat and ugly and stupid for him, and stunk of corn. There was nothing to do but to spray it with the fire extinguisher and run from the room.

Giblets is watching the caucus coverage on TV. It is Chris Matthews of Hardball, whose guests include Howard Fineman and Joe Scarborough. They are all fat and stupid and cowlike! What has Iowa done! Has it infected the entire world, or has it always been this way? Giblets tries to calm myself by calling Fafnir but he is blithering some blithertalk about being stuck inside a house of eggs. What is happening! Iowa is everywhere! Giblets is surrounded by a planet of apes, like in that movie, Planet of the Apes! What will become of us all! What will become of Giblets!

Damn you Iowa! You blew it up! Damn you all to hell!
posted by Giblets at 9:41 PM

As I have previously noted I am trapped - oh no! - in my very own home by (a) the lackadaisicalness of the forces of nature (b) the finickiness of an unhelpful dog (c) my very strange and intimidating downstairs neighbors who keep yellin at me and most of all (d) a big egg. That is a lot of bein trapped. So I have needed to try out my survival skills by settin up a trap to catch wild animals which might try to come through the front door of the house, which is open for some reason, and which I cannot close because it is surrounded by all kinds of crazy crap like ketchup and snow and "COME HERE DOGS" signs.

I decided on the falling log trap because it would knock predators unconscious if they tried to sneak in and would leave them to become used as potential food if I ran out of macaroni and peanut butter. I have become Fafnir the survivalist. This is how you see I remain so cool under pressure.

So when Chris came home all angry and covered in snow and eggs and ketchup and a concussion I knew just what to do. "Chris you look awful," I said. "What happened?" "I slipped on a bunch of crap in the doorway and a log fell on my head," he said. "Well you need some sleep," I said. "Better sleep over there on the floor where you won't spread all that egg over everything." I didn't tell him we were trapped because I didn't want him to panic you see. That is called caring leadership.
posted by fafnir at 6:17 PM

Rather than interviewing John Kerry today, Giblets decided to throw bottles and old garbage at passing strangers while shouting "Giblets is your lord! Giblets is your master!" Giblets is a kind and loving Giblets, but he is not subtle, and is easily bored.
posted by Giblets at 1:29 PM

Last night I happened to pick up a stray signal from a lost and weary soul in need of a desperate question answered. And of course, answering the questions of desperate souls is what the Medium Lobster does best. This lost and weary soul was to be found, surprisingly, on television, on a CNN special report on the impending death of the Democratic Party. The damning evidence of this report? The current crop of Democrats have lost the vote of a Southern Democrat.

"I like Bush," said the Southern Democrat, who, to avoid stereotyping, we shall refer to as Buford McSouthenshucky. "I like that he talks about scripture." Indeed, it is the President's scripture-talking-about skills which have already won him his stature as a foreign policy leader, most notably when he captured Osama bin Laden and dismantled the al Qaeda network by quoting from the Psalms in a speech delivered at West Point. But it's not just what the Democrats aren't saying that bothers Buford - it's what they are saying, too.

Responding to Wesley Clark's and Howard Dean's calls for civil unions, Mr McSouthenshucky says, "Do they even believe what they're saying when they go home at night?" Of course they don't, Mr McSouthenshucky. Who would? But they are politicians - corrupt, Democratic politicians yoked to the special interest powerhouse that is Big Gay - and so they profess to deny what every American has come to know: that gay marriage will corrupt and destroy the divine institute of Marriage at an existential level. Because it is controlled by an octopus from God.

As all higher entities such as the Medium Lobster know - and as all God-fearing patriots sense by instinct - each time a man and a woman are married, they are touched on a higher plane of reality by one of the tentacles of God's immense Octopus of Marriage, housed in Heaven, whose countless tentacles stretch out to embrace everyone else joined in the divine institute of Marriage. However, if gays begin to be married in America, the Octopus of Marriage will stretch down - unwittingly! - and touch its tentacle to their marriage as well... and in doing so, will be tainted by Gay.

From there, this disaster leads to apocalyptic proportions, for once the Octopus of Marriage is itself corrupted with Gay, the corruption will spread through every marriage in America - tainting every happily married straight couple from Joe and Hadassah Lieberman to Newt and Marianne Gingrich with Gay. The epidemic of Gay would inevitably lead to the extinction of the human race, as well as the fatal corruption and death of the Octopus of Marriage, which in turn would cause a lethal wave of Gay to spread through the Celestial Empyrean itself.

In the face of this possible disaster - and the theological cataclysm that would surely follow it - all Mr McSouthenshucky wants to know is that someone understands the nightmare that the American Left is trying to force upon the universe. Yes, Mr McSouthenshucky. The Medium Lobster understands.

Next week we'll answer mail from a Mr Charles Pickering, who looks up into the stars at night and wonders how a kind and gentle God can exist in a world that punishes cross-burners.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:33 AM
Sunday, January 18, 2004

Giblets is at an event for John Edwards. John Edwards is said to be skilled at relating to the people. That is all well and jolly, but can he relate to Giblets? Or will he be stupid?

GIBLETS: (shaking hands with Edwards) What will you do for Giblets, John Edwards!
JOHN EDWARDS: (shaking hands with Giblets) In the America you and I build together, we will no longer have two school systems: one for those who live in an affluent community and another for everybody else.
GIBLETS: (shaking hands) Schools mean nothing to Giblets. What will you do for Giblets?
JOHN EDWARDS: (shaking hands with Giblets) This election is not about what we are against. It is about what we are for.
GIBLETS: (shaking hands) Giblets is for Giblets! Please Giblets, John Edwards! Dance for Giblets! Dance!
JOHN EDWARDS: (shaking hands, moving on) Thank you, thank you all.
GIBLETS: Insolent John Edwards! Insolent!

John Edwards's campaign strategy is weak. How will he appeal to the crucial Giblets vote? Giblets predicts he will not. There is only one candidate in this race who is appealing to the Giblets voters here, and it is Giblets.
posted by Giblets at 6:41 PM

I am still stuck inside. I have decided to spend the day eatin cereal and watchin cartoons as I cannot venture outside because of the onslaught of egg previously discussed here and here.

Well there is still plenty of egg in the doorway and going outside is out of the question. I did see a dog going by and came up with the idea of getting the dog to eat the egg. "Here dog!" I said. "Eat the egg! Eat the deliiiiiicious egg." But the dog was not interested. I decided to squirt ketchup on the egg in the hopes of enticing the dog further, but the dog would have none of it. Huh. Dogs are weird.

In the meantime there is this huge mess in the doorway that I still haven't figured out how to deal with. But this is really some really great cereal and some really great cartoons.
posted by fafnir at 3:25 PM

Giblets is at a conference of the Young Republicans. They are here to remind me that they have a caucus too. They are all very pro-Bush. I suppose they are worried that Bush might lose the caucus to such Republican challengers as Blake Ashby and Bill Wyatt.

Giblet is here for their food. When one of them comes up to me at the buffet table where I am stuffing a sack full of mini-quiches and clams I shout at it, "Bow to Giblets! All feed Giblets! Bow to Giblets! All food for Giblets!" It succumbs to my Gibletsness, and brings me more punch. Before long they are all under my sway as I tell them of my bold platform. "There will be no more taxes in the reign of Giblets," I say. "All will belong to Giblets and thus the tax code will become redundant, for why should Giblets tax Giblets?" Big applause. "There will be no more United Nations," I tell them. "There will be only a United Nations of Giblets!" Even more applause. These are pliable creatures. Giblets could use them. But Giblets is here as an objective reporter to record the stupidity of all these stupid people, and interfering in their habits would be wrong.

Next Giblets gets to meet a candidate. Will he win Giblets's support? Or will he be lame and stupid and insolent?
posted by Giblets at 2:48 PM

Giblets is at a rally for Dick Gephardt. The crowd is enthusiastically cheering his name: "Gephardt! Gephardt! Gephardt!" The crowd is very old and fat. Dick Gephardt knows well to scoop up Iowa's coveted Type-2 Diabetes demographic.

Today Gephardt is appearing with singer Michael Bolton who is apparently endorsing Gephardt. I am wondering how many Gephardt people are voting for Gephardt because they have been swayed by the political views and velvet tongue of Michael Bolton, so I decide to ask.

GIBLETS: So you are for Gephardt.
GEPHARDT SUPPORTER: (stupidly) Yeah, I think Dick Gephardt's definitely the best man for the job. He's always stood up for working families, he's got two decades of experience and leadership in the House -
GIBLETS: Is it just because of Michael Bolton?
GEPHARDT SUPPORTER: (stupidly) What?
GIBLETS: Are you just supporting him because of Michael Bolton? Giblets is trying to gauge how stupid you are. Giblets is new here, and is mostly used to northeastern and southern stupidity, so he is still adjusting to midwestern stupidity, and it is hard to tell how much of it is raw stupidity and how much of it is a sort of cultural stupidity.
GEPHARDT SUPPORTER: (leaving in disgust) (stupidly)
GIBLETS: Giblets did not dismiss you! Return to Giblets!

Gephardt appears before his crowd, which is large and old and fat. They begin singing workers' unions' songs, such as "I'm a Union Man," "God Save the Union," and "One Toke Over the Line, Sweet Union." Gephardt is yellow. He is a very yellow, yellow man. Look at him! His face and hair and eyes are all yellow! That can't be right. Giblets asks another stupid Gephardt supporter about this.

GIBLETS: Does he have jaundice?
2ND GEPHARDT SUPPORTER: Excuse me?
GIBLETS: He is too yellow! Does he have jaundice? Because you shouldn't vote for a candidate who is full of jaundice.
2ND GEPHARDT SUPPORTER: Um.
GIBLETS: You should vote for someone healthy like Giblets! Caucus for Giblets! Caucus for Giblets tomorrow!
2ND GEPHARDT SUPPORTER: (running away out of being stupid)

I am finishing up this rally and heading on to another, which is being held by some guy with a shirt. I can't be bothered with names here I am doing cutting edge e-journalism. But the mystery of Gephardt eludes me. Why do people like Gephardt? What are they doing here? Why do people choose to be stupid non-Giblets-voting people who will not vote for Giblets? Perhaps the guy with the shirt will hold the answers.
posted by Giblets at 12:25 PM
Saturday, January 17, 2004

Giblets is in his hotel room now, which is a stupid and smelly hotel room. Giblets should not be surprised - he is in Iowa. In order to compete in a land of the smelly and stupid, Iowan hoteliers have been forced to make their products ever stupider and smellier. Giblets must keep this in mind when he tells the hotel people how insolent and useless and above all stupid they are for giving him such a stupid and smelly room. It is, in a sense, not their fault. Giblets will lead them to a better, less stupid world - but only after the pain and the wrath.

On my TV there are commercials. SO MANY COMMERCIALS. Here is one for Howard Dean. Here is one for John Kerry. Here is one for Diet Coke. Here is one for John Edwards. Giblets finds Diet Coke's positions and stances highly persuasive.

Giblets recently saw an ad which went exactly like this: "Hi my name is Howard Dean or John Kerry or perhaps Dennis Kucinich. I think America blah blah blah and I blah blah blah. George Bush has blah blah blah the environment and taxes for the rich while blah blah blah and I am made of custard and you are so stupid. I'm Howard Dean or John Kerry or perhaps Dennis Kucinich, and I approved this message."

So why are the ads so stupid? One can only come to the conclusion that either the candidates are stupid or that Iowans are so stupid they must be spoken to with stupid commercials. It is like another language. When you are in France you must speak French to the French. When you are in Spain you must speak Spanish to the Spanish. When you are surrounded by stupid people you must speak in the language of stupid.

Giblets tires now, so he will rest. More sharp and stunning political analysis will come tomorrow. You will probably not appreciate it, being as stupid as you are. But Giblets forgives you anyway.
posted by Giblets at 10:59 PM

Giblets is on the plane to Iowa. Giblets is currently seated in the coach section, because United Airlines is insolent. Giblets demanded to be seated in the Section of the Caesars, and instead he is choking down complimentary packets of snak mix in coach. You will feel my wrath, United Airlines! You will all feel the wrath of Giblets!

Giblets is sitting next to an ugly stupid fat woman who smells bad. "Are you from Des Moines?" she asks. "No, stupid ugly fat woman!" Giblets responds, commandingly. "I am going to Iowa to do important political commentary on your state, because stupid people have decided it is important instead of what it is, which is stupid!" I then ask her what candidate she is supporting and why, but she refuses to respond. Insolent and stupid Iowans. She probably cannot understand my dialect because I am from one of the more developed regions. Giblets repeats the question, but much louder and more slowly, and with more "stupids" inserted, so she knows I am addressing her. She looks away and will not respond. Giblets bets she is voting for Gephardt, whose fatness and ugliness has secured the fat-and-ugly vote.

The flight attendant, who is trying to spill ginger ale on Giblets's copy of The Economist, is telling me to turn off my computer. Ha, foolish flight attendant, Giblets need not listen to you - this is not even Giblets's computer, I commandeered it at the airport! Maybe The Economist will have important things to say about Iowa, to make up for the fat ugly Iowan woman's uselessness.

"Mr Sistani and his people fear that the caucuses will be rigged to try to exclude the Shias from power, as they were under Saddam Hussein’s Sunni Muslim regime. This week, the ayatollah issued a fatwa (religious decree) that 'every Iraqi must have the right to vote'. His aides say that unless direct elections are held, he may issue another, tougher decree which would turn the Shias — hitherto largely supporters of the American-led invasion — into opponents, resisting America's presence alongside the remnants of Saddam's forces."

Stupid Economist! Giblets cares nothing about the intentions of Grand Ayatollah Ali Sistani! You are useless to me! Why did I bring you, instead of a reputable news weekly such as Time or Newsweek or Big Juggs? Ah well. Giblets will be in Iowa soon, and he will have more useless things to worry about.
posted by Giblets at 6:26 PM

I have been waiting patiently on the railing above the stairs above the front door to my house to see if erosion has managed to wear away the egg - the big egg - I dropped there earlier today. It has not - yet. But a lot of wind and snow has entered the building and presumably made tactile contact with the egg. Good things come to those who wait. Especially if "good things" are "erosion" and "those who wait" are me, waiting a long time.

My downstairs neighbors though are a little upset about the door being open and the cold air coming in. They came out into the foyer where the spilled egg was and they started goin "BLAH BLAH ANGRY ANGRY BLAH BLAH BLAH" and I tried to explain to them about the importance of the egg but they just started gettin louder and angrier and I got nervous and threw the rest of my eggs at them which racially spilled all over the doorway with the other egg, which has only compounded my problem.

Oh, wind, why don't you blow harder! This will take forever at this rate!
posted by fafnir at 2:42 PM

I am trapped in my house. What to do!

I have dropped an egg in the doorway and there is just no way I can step outside without getting egg all over me. It was a very big egg.

"But Fafnir you will have to step out of the house sometime," you say. You are very bright, I like that about you. But I can't when there's all that egg. I mean just look at it. It's all eggy. It would racially ruin my shoes.* So I have left the door open knowing that eventually the elements will remove the egg in due course through the process of erosion.

"But Fafnir erosion takes dozens and hundreds or even thousands of hours," you say. It is true that erosion is a slow and steady process but I am a very patient Fafnir. I am watching it work on the front door now. Go, erosion, go!

* "Racially" is the new "totally." We decided this some time ago, in committee.
posted by fafnir at 12:35 PM
Friday, January 16, 2004

I am packing. Packing for Iowa. "What is happening in Iowa, Giblets?" you say because you are dull and stupid. "Dull and stupid person!" I say, hitting you with the Scepter of Giblets. "The Iowa Caucuses are happening in Iowa!"

The Iowa Caucuses are about the only thing that ever happen in Iowa. The only other thing that happens there is corn, and they have entirely run out of corn. Stupid Iowa! Yield to Giblets, for your stupidity!

Why is Giblets in his magnificence going to Iowa? Because Fafnir said to me "Oh Giblets you have to go to Iowa cuz we needs someone to go to Iowa OK because Iowa blah blah blah Iowa blah blah." Ordinarily this may be considered to be a conflict of interest, because of course I am running for President, and would be expected to be biased in favor of myself. But in this case I am skipping the Iowa caucuses, like Wesley Clark, because they are stupid and meaningless.

So prepare yourselves Iowans! Giblets will be merciless in his lordly demands and his political analysis!
posted by Giblets at 9:19 PM

I have accidentally unleashed chaos upon the world with my endorsing of Howard Dean! The blog Obsidian Wings has now reported on the chaos which has followed of which I was apparently unaware (I never have time to read my own blog, because I am so frightfully busy doing all the important things I do). There is much confusion that has been sowed. I will get to the bottom of this believe you me.

In the meantime I may be president. So, lemme think. Um. I hereby proclaim... today to be National Give an Ape a Present Day. Give an ape a present. Apes are, by nature, sad. They need cheering up. Also, we are invading Canada, the bombs begin dropping in five minutes. Catch up with you later.
posted by fafnir at 7:27 PM

It is cold outside. "Very very cold," says Giblets, who has come over to appreciate the cold. Giblets and I have opted not to work today because of the freezing blistering cold, because why would you want to go to work in the freezing blistering cold? You would have to be a crazy person to do that. A frozen freezing crazy person.

A frozen freezing crazy person like Chris, who is going to work. "Poor Chris," I says. "Chris has to go to work." "Poor you," says Chris. "For you do not know the character-building strength that comes from work, and the Protestant work ethic." Chris does not believe a word. The tears in his eyes reveal that Chris is a sad and unwilling serf of corporate America. The tears that will soon freeze in the bitter bitter cold.

Oh Chris, be happy! One day your mind will be liberated from the horribleness of your masochistic Puritan upbringing and you will revel in proper laziness, like in Europe. "In Europe they work three hours a day," says Giblets, "then they go to the beach and hang with naked Europe chicks." Giblets knows this from television. I nod over a mug of fresh piping hot cocoa.
posted by fafnir at 9:27 AM
Thursday, January 15, 2004

You know it is a great time to be alive when my edition of the morning paper contains both of these headlines:

BOFFO BUSH BANGS BILLION FOR BOON BASE
(it is actually "moon base" but the editor got excited)

and

MARTIANS ATTACK EARTH, MILLIONS DIE IN CLOUDS OF DEATH-SPORES
(it is actually "Councilman Proposes New Tort Reform Bill" but I like my headline better)

Space is on President Bush's brain. A whole lot of space. But what does the President plan to do with it? Fafblog decided to find out. Here is the full interview.

FAFBLOG: Space is big. The Moon is very small next to space. Some have said, "What will happen if Pres. Bush's moon base gets lost in the middle of space? What will happen then? Huh? Whattayagonnado THEN, Bushie-Bush? Whattayagonnado THEN?"
GEORGE W BUSH: The U.S.S. Bold Stars Of Freedom Moon Base will be bolted to a ten thousand mile steel cable which will connect it to Dallas, Texas, securing both the base and the Moon. Never again will Americans need fear losing the Moon, or fear that America's most beautisimous natural satellite will fall into the hands of terrorists.
FB: That's really smart.
GWB: And inspiritorial.
FB: Mr. President what about the Moon's native inhabitants, such as the Watcher and the Decepticons and of course the Moonanians? How will America deal with the complexities of intra-Moon politics and relations?
GWB: The Moonanian people are a freedom-loving people, Fafnir. They love freedom. But they are oppressed by those who hate freedom, such as the Decepticons, who have ruthlessly forced them to transform into automobiles, and even Galactus, Devourer of Worlds.
FB: I actually think Galactus lives in a spaceship.
GWB: To you and all the Moonanian culture, I say: America is coming. Your day of liberation is near.
FB: Now, there's a lot of ol cranky-pantses who're sayin "Whaa whaa whaa! I don't wanna spend hundreds of billions of dollars on Mars and the Moon! I wanna spend that money on borin stuff like jobs and universal health care an not spending it at all!" What do you Mr. President have to say to those ol cranky-pantses?
GWB: To those I say: you give our strengthitivity to the evildoers.
FB: Ooo.
GWB: I would also add that these negative nosayers are demonstrationing their ignoratissity of science. Operation: Lunar Freedom and Operation: Bursting Skies Of Red Liberty will pay for themselves. Once our inspirationauts have we can begin enriching the American economy with the fertile treasures mined from the moon's surface, such as silver, plutonium, nitronium moxie, and cheese. On Mars, of course, we will encounter a plentituberous supply of gold from the native Martian leprechaun population.
FB: That's right, leprechauns are made of gold! You really know your stuff Mr. President.
GWB: You have to, to be President, y'know.
FB: What will happen if we don't get the money to go to space?
GWB: Then Freedom will die, Fafnir.
FB: Oh no!
GWB: Yes. Freedom will die.
FB: That is horrible! I don't want freedom to die! I want to go to the Moon!
GWB: Good for you, Fafnir. You are a good and truterous American.
FB: It was a pleasure speaking with you Mr. President.
GWB: Ubiquipertous as always, Fafnir.
posted by fafnir at 8:55 PM

I know have not been blogging much over the last couple days my friends but I have the BEST EXCUSE EVER - I have GLOFISH NOW! Yes it is all true! I have the world's first genetically modified pet right here in my very house, hooray!, and I have been starin at them for a good long while. For several days. I was sposed to interview some ol Democratic candidate for President but I blew him off for my glofish:

FAFNIR: Look at my glofish glow!
SEN. JOHN KERRY (on phone): Can we talk about Iowa?
FAFNIR: Go away old man I am talking glofish here!
SEN. JOHN KERRY: Um... the latest Zogby polls look really good for me...
FAFNIR: John Kerry you clearly do not get these glofish do you! They are fish that glow! Go away you are nothing compared to the amazing miracle of science that is glofish! Away with you!
(throwing phone across room, where it explodes, in a fireball)

These fish are so amazing it boggles the mind. We have five of them. I have named them Inky, Blinky, Pinky, Clyde, and W. V. O. Quine. Every minute to perceive them is another blissful explosion of color and sensation. I will say hands down they are the most wondrous thing in the world I have ever seen. Far more wondrous than God. Which isn't that hard to do, considering God is in fact one of the most boring and dull people I have met. Lookit him. Sittin there, pickin' lint off his jacket. "Nyyeeeeeeh," says God. "I don't like lint." God why couldn't you be cool? I am so not jazzed about worshipin you for eternity.

But we must always remember that not everyone shares the good fortune that we do in the free lands of America. In the distant land of California, glofish are banned by an oppressive tyrant. Only you can help restore the freedom of this enslaved country. Restore it with glofish.
posted by fafnir at 10:25 AM
Tuesday, January 13, 2004

The Case for Hopeless, Unending Despair

Primary season is upon us, and in the spirit of elections and democracy, my colleague and co-blogger Fafnir has taken it upon himself to endorse Howard Dean for President. Of course, as I have already made apparent, Howard Dean is an unelectable ticking time-bomb of the extreme Islamo-Leninist Left whose nomination would result in the destruction not only of the Democratic Party but of Democracy as we know it. But that is hardly the reason not to vote for Howard Dean. No, the reason not to vote for Howard Dean is that it is pointless to vote at all, because the election is already over.

True, to you lesser beings who still perceive the universe with your "linear time," the election has not yet occurred. "I'm going to vote to take my country back!" you say. Oh, democracy and free will - what quaint notions. But as all truly elevated entities know - such as God, Pat Robertson, Time Magazine, and of course myself, the Medium Lobster - the outcome of this election was determined millenia ago, forged by the hand of Fate before the dawn of Time.

Yes, in your limited perception, the Iowa Caucuses have yet to occur, but to those possessed of our celestial insight, George W. Bush has already won re-election. He won it in November, he won it lasy year, and he won it when the infinitesimal singularity which you in your finite cognizance call "the universe" had not yet exploded into the myriad dimensions of the Big Bang. Even though you will not believe us when we tell you that George W. Bush has already swept all 50 states, the District of Columbia, and the Moon, nevertheless it is so. Ripples of cosmic awareness have penetrated your world via the grand oracles you know as "cable news" and "the Wall Street Journal," enough so that even beings as unenlightened as yourselves should be able to comprehend your fate.

For example: behold this picture of Howard Dean on the cover of Newsweek. Just look at that ominous forehead. If that doesn't foretell impending doom, the Medium Lobster doesn't know what would.

So on election day, take the advice of all of those wiser than you - and give up. Because there will be another four more years of George W. Bush. Hell - another twelve years, why not? There's no stopping it. Because we say so.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 4:26 PM

The Case for Me

On Friday Fafnir endorsed Howard Dean for the Democratic nomination, the Presidency, and the Moon Papacy, on grounds of Dean's record as a strong fiscal conservative and ninja-fighter. Well good for you Fafnir. Aren't you special. Haven't you done a wonderful thing now for Howard Dean. It is just too bad that Howard Dean will be a TERRIBLE, WRETCHED, NON-ME President whom everyone will hate and despise, nearly as much as all of the other ones, like Nixon and Kennedy and Lincoln.

There is only one candidate running for President with the experience and the leadership skills and the me-ness to lead this country to its destiny: and that candidate is me.

Bow to Giblets! Bow to Giblets now!

Only Giblets has the policy initiatives which will make America work again, such as the "Bow to Giblets Act" and the "Subservient America Act." And only Giblets can cut through the bureacratic red tape of Insider Washington Politics to get things done. If Congress opposes Giblets he will merely conquer them and command them to do his bidding. This is constitutional because he is Giblets. There is a special Giblets amendment providing for this.

Only Giblets is electable. In head-to-head matchups of Democratic contenders versus George Bush*, 100% of polled respondents indicated that the Democratic challengers were "fools," "insolent," "weak-willed," and "not-Giblets." All respondents indicated that confronted with Bush vs. an unnamed Democrat, they would be more likely to "make angry screeching monkey noises and throw things - big pointed things!" at both candidates rather than vote for them. However, in head-to-head matchups of Giblets vs. anyone, "anyone" is described as "stupid and pointless and not-Giblets," and Giblets is described as "magnificent and worthy and powerful and most importantly Giblets."

Do not squander your votes Democrats! Nominate the electable choice which is me, Giblets!

Finally, Giblets is the only candidate running for President who has already declared himself your lord and master and as such commands your vote. YOU MUST VOTE FOR GIBLETS. Vote for me, America! Vote for Giblets NOW!

*This poll not conducted by Giblets. It is a Zogby poll. You believe me! Believe Giblets now!
posted by Giblets at 9:05 AM
Friday, January 9, 2004

Today is a big day my friends. A big day for the country. A big day for the world. A big day for the universe. "Why, Fafnir, why?" you cry because you cannot stand it any longer. Because Fafblog is about to officially endorse who should be the next Democratic Presidential nominee, and President, and High Lord and Moon Pope.

Now there are many things one must take into consideration when decidin who is the best candidate. Who is ahead? Who is behind? Who has vision? Who has momentum? Who does not? Who is "energizing the base"? Who appeared briefly in a 1980s era ninja feature?

The answer to all of these answers my friends is Howard Dean.

As covered by Fear Itself, Salon, and frequent Daily Kos poster and mohawk-bearing thespian Mr. T, Dr Dean apparently took a break from his medical practice in Vermont in 1984 to film a cameo as a helicopter pilot in "Ninja III: The Domination."

"He took a break - to break some heads," Giblets says.
"Ninja heads," I says.

We need a new kind of president - a president who can dispatch the problems which plague our country today like so many attacking ninjas. Can Dick Gephardt break a block of cement in half with his head? I do not think so. Could John Kerry decapitate a squad of katana-wielding shadow-warriors using only his bare hands? Hardly. And if so, how could he as president confront the katana-wielding shadow-warriors of mounting national debt, rising health care costs, the war on Iraq and the specter of international terrorism? Not well that is how.

That is why Fafblog stands proud in its endorsement of Howard Dean, and that is why Dr Dean will go on to win the nomination, and the Presidency.* Isn't that right, God?

"It sure is, Fafnir," says God, who is at our Dean House Party. "I predict he will win in a 'blow-out.' Man these are good brownies."

*Dr Dean I expect to be made Attorney General for this career-making endorsement. And Giblets wants the Defense Department. "Not the cabinet position, just the department," he says. "I got a bunch of stuff I gotta put someplace."
posted by fafnir at 2:14 PM
Thursday, January 8, 2004

I have returned from bein "on hiatus" to find not just mad cows and suspicious aliens gestating in the President's chest but intense and unnatural gloominess at home and abroad. Away with you gloominess! It is your nemesis Fafnir, and I am here to vanquish you!

Take Chris. Chris has been sittin around, doin nothin. "Whatcha doin Chris,' I says. "Eh" says Chris. "You wanna eat chicken?" I says. "Eh" says Chris. "Come on Chris! You know you want the delicious chicken!" I says. "Chicken is bad for me, I will just have this orange," says Chris. And he means it, he just eats an orange. Chris is being dull and full of moping and no fun at all. He says he is "experiencing life issues." I just keep tellin him all he needs is to do is impregnante a female and dig a burrow for her and her litter but Chris never takes my advice.

Still it is not just Chris even though most things are. Gloom is growing on an epidemic scale. Just look at it.



This is wrong and bad and I Fafnir am going to put a stop to it starting right now! With you, sad person reading this! Fafnir is coming to kick your ass until you are happy again! The threat of vicious beatings will make you happy! Until then here is Joe Lieberman again. Look how sad he looks! It is all your fault! You are making him so sad with your sadness! Think about that!

posted by fafnir at 1:14 PM

Well I just got back from being On Holiday, where I was hidin from evildoers in my undisclosed location*, and when I come back EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT AND CHANGED! What gives! All kinds of stuff happened while Faf was away!

- MAD COWS. American cows have gone mad. This makes me upset and sad - some of my best friends are American cows. Are they okay? Are they alright? Why haven't they responded to my worried emails? Ordinarily cows in the news is a time of joy and laughter, like the annual Gay Cow Parade or the time Ronald Reagan appointed a cow as his Labor Secretary. But this is a time of great sadness and laughter. Such is the tragicomedy of cows.

- SUCKS TO BE MUSHARRAF. Pakistani military dictator Pervez Musharraf who as regular Fafblog readers know is my favorite Pakistani military dictator ever - check out my Musharraf fansites, "Whassup, Musharraf!" and "Pervez n Pals" - was almost killed by hardline Islamic militants! Twice! Bad hardline Islamic militants! Bad, bad hardline Islamic militants! At least Musharraf got em back by agreeing to give up control of the military in a deal said to benefit hardline Islamic militants. Wait! Oh those rascally hardline Islamic militants! Grrrrr!

- NEW SPECIAL PROSECUTOR- Attorney General John Ashcroft has got hisself a special prosecutor for the Valerie Plame CIA Leak Scandal Thing. How could you Attorney General John Ashcroft! That was my job! I thought we were friends! I bought you ice cream! My feelins are hurt.

- ILLEGAL ALIENS: President Bush has proposed a new plan which will allow illegal aliens to live in the US in giant work factories. "Aliens are vital to America and the American economy and culture," said the President. "They build our spaceships and our death lasers. They probe our anuses and cross fertilize us with their larvae. We welcome them to our teeming shore." Then a tentacled green insectoid burst from his chest and fired its energy projectiles into the press corps.

- POPE VS ANTIPOPE. The Pope's battle with his evil antimatter counterpart the Antipope has reached a spectacular climax in which both Popes have been stranded in a distant dimension locked in an eternal struggle until the end of time. All of us cry for the Pope - but we will remember forever his great sacrifice to save the universe.

So much has happened since I have been away! How will I ever catch up!

*a bag with a lock on it in Florida

Ooo! Stupid footnote! Blowin the cover on my undisclosed location! I'm never speakin to you again!**

**awww, footnote, I don't really mean it. I can't stay mad at you.
posted by fafnir at 9:31 AM
Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Christmas is a fool!

I have been shopping for Christmas, and I have been to the mall, and I have partaken of Christmas cheer, and Giblets has this to say: THEY ARE ALL FOR FOOLS! They have failed to please Giblets! I will now enumerate ways in which I failed to be pleased by these things! Then I will invite you to agree with me - WHICH YOU WILL!

ITEM THE FIRST: The stores in this so-called "mall" demanded that I pay lucre to them in exchange for their filthy goods! I, Giblets, who own all their goods by right of being Giblets! The mall was claimed by Giblets in the name of Giblets some time ago! You belong to me, mall! Your lucre and goods belong to me! Insolent mall! Who needs your filthy goods anyway they are FILTHY!

ITEM THE SECOND: The so-called "Sanda Claws," godling of the mall and Christmas, did not pay proper tribute to Giblets! He instead gave me a pathetic striped confection which was hard and not tasty, when he and his midget slave minions had access to a veritable mountain of shiny boxes and plastic reindeer with which they could present me. The outrage! And might I add that he was not, as his name would imply, a mighty panda of the desert sands, armed with furious claws. Instead he was a woefully unimpressive fat man with a fake beard! Giblets demands better!

ITEM THE THIRD: Ugly babies. There are so many of them! Why?

ITEM THE FOURTH: I was encouraged by those with me - WHO WILL NOT BE NAMED, for they are being punished by being stricken from the discourse of Giblets - to purchase gifts for others, which would have used up what precious little coin I have and would have defeated the purpose of having a holiday wherein peope give presents (to Giblets). What is wrong with people in this world, when presents are given that are not for Giblets? Are we lost as a people? I do not understand.

ITEM THE FIFTH: Giblets's egg nog was drunken, by others who are not Giblets! Giblets needs egg nog! He will not settle for second-rate classes of nog, such as cheese nog and fish nog! A pox on the drinker of my nog!

Insolent Christmas. You are for fools!
posted by Giblets at 3:00 PM
Monday, December 22, 2003

Blogger has been givin us problems. Stupid Blogger, let Fafblog post! Let us breathe and be free! We want to be free Blogger! Cant you let us be free!

Blogger is an evil tyrant, like Saddam Hussein, who is STILL CAPTURED (Day 9, Condition Puce). An evil, mixed-up, crazy tyrant. And yet I love it too because I need it. It's like that song by Frank Sinatra where he's singin about women, about how they're kinda evil and they're kinda crazy and all their loony-jazzy-jow-wow-wow, but he likes em cause of their fantastical breasts. Blogger is a lot like that for me.

Come back to me Blogger baby. Come back and Fafnir will sing your song.
posted by fafnir at 11:23 AM
Sunday, December 21, 2003

So yesterday me and Giblets and the Voice were playin a game of "Cheese or Weevil?" when someone brought up the question of robot rights.

"Robots need rights," I said. "For if we deny rights to robots, who are like our own children, do we not deny them also to Batman, who is also like our own children?"
"Robots don't need rights," says Giblets, "and robots need to get off my land. It's my land! It's Giblets's land! I call 'Cheese.'"
"Look at me," said the Voice. "I am a deliiiiicious rhinocerous."
"No you're not, the Voice, you're the Voice," I says. "And if robots are not given the right to vote, and live on their ancestral homeland, what is to prevent us from doing the same to Indians, or leprechauns? I challenge your 'Cheese' as a 'Weevil.'"
"Giblets's land is Giblets's land," says Giblets. "It was given to Giblets long ago, by Giblets. In the holy Book of Giblets. Robots don't belong there no matter how long they've lived there, it's Giblets's! Plus let us remember the Robot Terror Wars. I raise to 'Double Cheese' on your 'Weevil' challenge."
"I could be a deliiiiiiicious rhinocerous if I wanted to be," says the Voice.
"No you couldn't the Voice you're the Voice," I said, "and I have always been skeptical of the divine origins of the Book of Giblets. And remember the robots didn't start the Terror Wars, most of that was the Space Clones and Extermino the Living Plague That Lives. I will 'Counter-Weevil' and call 'Cheese or Weevil?'"
"My mom says I can be aaaaanything I wanna be," says the Voice.
"You pro-Robot people always bring up Extermino the Living Plague That Lives!" said Giblets. "The book of Giblets is right and holy and all will bow to it! Bow to the book of Giblets! I reveal 'Cheese.'"
"Awww," I says, "I have 'Weevil.'"
"Haha!" says Giblets. "Victory is mine! And your mother never said that, the Voice. You don't have a mother! You are just a Voice!"
"Awww," says the Voice, "you don love me cause I'm the Voice."
"That's not true the Voice," I said. "We all love you. Look how much love we have! So much love and weevils!"
"We don't love you," says Giblets. "You are awful and bad."
"Not true," I says. "And to make all this up to everyone, I declare a Soupmas! Everyone, let us have delicious soup!"
"We have no soup," said Giblets.
"Awww," says the Voice.
"No soup for Soupmas?" I says. "Awww."
"Awww," says the Voice.
"Still victory!" says Giblets.
"Awww," says me and the Voice, thinkin about soup.
"Awww," says Giblets, later, when he's lookin for soup.

There is definitely a moral to this story and when I remember it I will tell it to everyone.
posted by fafnir at 8:07 PM

The Department of Homeland Security has put us at Orange Alert. Hooray!



Now a lot of you are wonderin "Fafnir I was just gettin fine and cozy at Yellow Alert and now there's this Orange Alert to deal with? I can't handle it man it's too much for me!" Whoa there friend! Slow down all your crazy! Fafnir will explain the top three terror alert codes for you (You will not have to ever worry about the bottom terror alert codes, "Blue," "Green" and "Mello Yello." They are too peaceful and delicious to appear in these troubled times we live in).

All of these have been taken from the Department of Homeland Security website.

YELLOW ALERT (high)
  • If you see a suspicious individual around a home or public facility, ask him if he is a terrorist. If he replies "Yes," report him to the FBI.
  • Unsafe countries: The Middle East, Asia, "Bad" terrorist countries
  • Safe countries: North America, Europe, "Good" terrorist countries
  • Number 6 leaving perimeter; elevate Village security
  • Santa Condition: Fat

    ORANGE ALERT (elevated)
  • If you see a suspicious individual around a home or public facility, ask him if he is a terrorist. If he replies "Yes," report him to the FBI. If he replies "No," shoot him.
  • Unsafe countries: The Eastern Hemisphere, the Spicy Lands, anything with a "q" in it
  • Safe countries: United States, Wales, Novia Scotia, McDonaldland
  • Number 6 has escaped the perimeter; deploy Rover
  • Santa Condition: Rosy

    RED ALERT (woogy)
  • If you see anyone you don't recognize walking, driving, or breathing out of doors, sieze them, beat them, and take them to the village elder, who will perform The Test.
  • Unsafe countries: All homes to belonging to Outsiders, for There be Dragons.
  • Safe countries: Montana
  • Number 6 has escaped! Evacuate! Evacuate! Evacuate!
  • Santa Condition: Dangerously Jolly - deploy Counter-Santa Strike Force immediately

    Now I hope we understand a little bit more about Orange Alerts and how to cope with them. See? They're not so bad! I'm off to deploy Rover. Number 6 must not escape!

  • posted by fafnir at 3:14 PM
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