Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Christmas is a fool!

I have been shopping for Christmas, and I have been to the mall, and I have partaken of Christmas cheer, and Giblets has this to say: THEY ARE ALL FOR FOOLS! They have failed to please Giblets! I will now enumerate ways in which I failed to be pleased by these things! Then I will invite you to agree with me - WHICH YOU WILL!

ITEM THE FIRST: The stores in this so-called "mall" demanded that I pay lucre to them in exchange for their filthy goods! I, Giblets, who own all their goods by right of being Giblets! The mall was claimed by Giblets in the name of Giblets some time ago! You belong to me, mall! Your lucre and goods belong to me! Insolent mall! Who needs your filthy goods anyway they are FILTHY!

ITEM THE SECOND: The so-called "Sanda Claws," godling of the mall and Christmas, did not pay proper tribute to Giblets! He instead gave me a pathetic striped confection which was hard and not tasty, when he and his midget slave minions had access to a veritable mountain of shiny boxes and plastic reindeer with which they could present me. The outrage! And might I add that he was not, as his name would imply, a mighty panda of the desert sands, armed with furious claws. Instead he was a woefully unimpressive fat man with a fake beard! Giblets demands better!

ITEM THE THIRD: Ugly babies. There are so many of them! Why?

ITEM THE FOURTH: I was encouraged by those with me - WHO WILL NOT BE NAMED, for they are being punished by being stricken from the discourse of Giblets - to purchase gifts for others, which would have used up what precious little coin I have and would have defeated the purpose of having a holiday wherein peope give presents (to Giblets). What is wrong with people in this world, when presents are given that are not for Giblets? Are we lost as a people? I do not understand.

ITEM THE FIFTH: Giblets's egg nog was drunken, by others who are not Giblets! Giblets needs egg nog! He will not settle for second-rate classes of nog, such as cheese nog and fish nog! A pox on the drinker of my nog!

Insolent Christmas. You are for fools!
posted by Giblets at 3:00 PM
Monday, December 22, 2003

Blogger has been givin us problems. Stupid Blogger, let Fafblog post! Let us breathe and be free! We want to be free Blogger! Cant you let us be free!

Blogger is an evil tyrant, like Saddam Hussein, who is STILL CAPTURED (Day 9, Condition Puce). An evil, mixed-up, crazy tyrant. And yet I love it too because I need it. It's like that song by Frank Sinatra where he's singin about women, about how they're kinda evil and they're kinda crazy and all their loony-jazzy-jow-wow-wow, but he likes em cause of their fantastical breasts. Blogger is a lot like that for me.

Come back to me Blogger baby. Come back and Fafnir will sing your song.
posted by fafnir at 11:23 AM
Sunday, December 21, 2003

So yesterday me and Giblets and the Voice were playin a game of "Cheese or Weevil?" when someone brought up the question of robot rights.

"Robots need rights," I said. "For if we deny rights to robots, who are like our own children, do we not deny them also to Batman, who is also like our own children?"
"Robots don't need rights," says Giblets, "and robots need to get off my land. It's my land! It's Giblets's land! I call 'Cheese.'"
"Look at me," said the Voice. "I am a deliiiiicious rhinocerous."
"No you're not, the Voice, you're the Voice," I says. "And if robots are not given the right to vote, and live on their ancestral homeland, what is to prevent us from doing the same to Indians, or leprechauns? I challenge your 'Cheese' as a 'Weevil.'"
"Giblets's land is Giblets's land," says Giblets. "It was given to Giblets long ago, by Giblets. In the holy Book of Giblets. Robots don't belong there no matter how long they've lived there, it's Giblets's! Plus let us remember the Robot Terror Wars. I raise to 'Double Cheese' on your 'Weevil' challenge."
"I could be a deliiiiiiicious rhinocerous if I wanted to be," says the Voice.
"No you couldn't the Voice you're the Voice," I said, "and I have always been skeptical of the divine origins of the Book of Giblets. And remember the robots didn't start the Terror Wars, most of that was the Space Clones and Extermino the Living Plague That Lives. I will 'Counter-Weevil' and call 'Cheese or Weevil?'"
"My mom says I can be aaaaanything I wanna be," says the Voice.
"You pro-Robot people always bring up Extermino the Living Plague That Lives!" said Giblets. "The book of Giblets is right and holy and all will bow to it! Bow to the book of Giblets! I reveal 'Cheese.'"
"Awww," I says, "I have 'Weevil.'"
"Haha!" says Giblets. "Victory is mine! And your mother never said that, the Voice. You don't have a mother! You are just a Voice!"
"Awww," says the Voice, "you don love me cause I'm the Voice."
"That's not true the Voice," I said. "We all love you. Look how much love we have! So much love and weevils!"
"We don't love you," says Giblets. "You are awful and bad."
"Not true," I says. "And to make all this up to everyone, I declare a Soupmas! Everyone, let us have delicious soup!"
"We have no soup," said Giblets.
"Awww," says the Voice.
"No soup for Soupmas?" I says. "Awww."
"Awww," says the Voice.
"Still victory!" says Giblets.
"Awww," says me and the Voice, thinkin about soup.
"Awww," says Giblets, later, when he's lookin for soup.

There is definitely a moral to this story and when I remember it I will tell it to everyone.
posted by fafnir at 8:07 PM

The Department of Homeland Security has put us at Orange Alert. Hooray!



Now a lot of you are wonderin "Fafnir I was just gettin fine and cozy at Yellow Alert and now there's this Orange Alert to deal with? I can't handle it man it's too much for me!" Whoa there friend! Slow down all your crazy! Fafnir will explain the top three terror alert codes for you (You will not have to ever worry about the bottom terror alert codes, "Blue," "Green" and "Mello Yello." They are too peaceful and delicious to appear in these troubled times we live in).

All of these have been taken from the Department of Homeland Security website.

YELLOW ALERT (high)
  • If you see a suspicious individual around a home or public facility, ask him if he is a terrorist. If he replies "Yes," report him to the FBI.
  • Unsafe countries: The Middle East, Asia, "Bad" terrorist countries
  • Safe countries: North America, Europe, "Good" terrorist countries
  • Number 6 leaving perimeter; elevate Village security
  • Santa Condition: Fat

    ORANGE ALERT (elevated)
  • If you see a suspicious individual around a home or public facility, ask him if he is a terrorist. If he replies "Yes," report him to the FBI. If he replies "No," shoot him.
  • Unsafe countries: The Eastern Hemisphere, the Spicy Lands, anything with a "q" in it
  • Safe countries: United States, Wales, Novia Scotia, McDonaldland
  • Number 6 has escaped the perimeter; deploy Rover
  • Santa Condition: Rosy

    RED ALERT (woogy)
  • If you see anyone you don't recognize walking, driving, or breathing out of doors, sieze them, beat them, and take them to the village elder, who will perform The Test.
  • Unsafe countries: All homes to belonging to Outsiders, for There be Dragons.
  • Safe countries: Montana
  • Number 6 has escaped! Evacuate! Evacuate! Evacuate!
  • Santa Condition: Dangerously Jolly - deploy Counter-Santa Strike Force immediately

    Now I hope we understand a little bit more about Orange Alerts and how to cope with them. See? They're not so bad! I'm off to deploy Rover. Number 6 must not escape!

  • posted by fafnir at 3:14 PM
    Saturday, December 20, 2003

    I would like to say right out that some of my best friends are penguins. And some of the best penguins according to Salon.com are gay penguins.

    Salon's Suzy Hansen has told the heart-string-strumming story of Wendell and Cass, two Coney Island penguins who love each other very much. Wendell and Cass are also gay. But they're penguins! Everyone loves penguins, they're so cute! And yet Jerry Falwell has this to say about them, in reference to 9/11:

    "I really believe that the [gay penguins] who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle... all of them who have tried to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this happen.' "

    Is it any wonder that God was later quoted in a Reuters piece as saying "That Jerry Falwell, he's a total dick."

    But these two loving little penguins, who hop and make little squeaking noises and look adorably as if they are dressed in tuxedos, might forever be banned from expressing their love in matrimony - by the President of the United States, who said last week that "we may need a constitutional amendment" to prevent gays such as Wendell and Cass from marrying under recent court decisions.

    "Also, might I add that I hate adorable little gay penguins," added the President. "And small children everywhere." For shame, the President. And to think I once gave you ice cream and brownies.

    As for Wendell and Cass, Fafblog salutes you both, and wishes you many more years of happiness, and hopes that gay penguins everywhere can find love and acceptance free from prejudice.

    Thanks to Obsidian Wings for this story. Thank you Obsidian Wings!
    posted by fafnir at 1:05 PM
    Wednesday, December 17, 2003

    Condition: Mustard

    We have run out of mustard. How am I gonna eat these hot dogs? I have so many hot dogs to eat. You just cant eat hot dogs without mustard, it's not right.

    I have asked Giblets about my mustard. "Giblets doesn't care about your mustard," says Giblets. Giblets has become cold and uncaring. His newfound power over Civilization 3 has corrupted him. I have asked Chris about my mustard. "No dice," says Chris. Enough of your gambling addiction Chris! I need my mustard! I have written The Medium Lobster about my mustard. "The mustard is still there," says the Medium Lobster. "But you fail to see it - with your sadly linear perception." Lousy Medium Lobster.

    Can you help me get my mustard? I prefer French's Classic Yellow. Please get some and mail it to Fafnir at The Freedom Fortress at Providence, RI. You can't miss it - it is a fortress of freedom.

    Oh - and Saddam Hussein is still captured. But what about Santa Claus? It is gettin frighteningly close to Christmas and he still roams free!
    posted by fafnir at 11:07 AM
    Tuesday, December 16, 2003

    Condition: Purple

    This is an important alert to let you know that SADDAM HUSSEIN HAS STILL BEEN CAPTURED. By us. And by "us" I mean "US soldiers who are not us." Hooray for us!

    Again: SADDAM HUSSEIN: STILL CAPTURED THREE DAYS AGO. Fafblog can now officially dispel the rumors that Saddam Hussein has cleverly caused his capture to never have happened. Sneaky Saddam Hussein!

    Now let's go to the World Reaction to the capture. With me, I have Giblets.

    FAFBLOG: Hey, Giblets. How's it goin?
    GIBLETS: I am eating peanuts.
    FB: Are they salted or unsalted?
    GB: They are honey-roasted. Honey-roasted and OBEDIENT! BOW TO GIBLETS, PEANUTS! BOOOOOOW TO GIBLETS!
    FB: Whatcha watchin?
    GB: Cartoons.
    FB: You're not watchin world reaction to the capture of Saddam Hussein?
    GB: Saddam Hussein this! Saddam despot that! War in Iraq bores me! What has war in Iraq done for me today that cartoons do not do for me now?
    FB: Wow - that's a dancing hot dog!
    GB: Yes - yes it is. Dance, hot dog! Dance!
    FB: I want some peanuts.
    GB: Get your own.

    Fafblog will continue to update you on this story as it develops.
    posted by fafnir at 10:34 AM
    Monday, December 15, 2003

    Condition: Yellow

    This is an important Fafblog alert to let you our readers know that we have STILL CAPTURED SADDAM HUSSEIN. He was captured yesterday near his hometown of Tikrit in a hole. Also captured on that day were Tyranny and Brutality. Tyranny asked for its lawyers and said "You goin down pigs! I'm not sayin nothin till I get a lawyer! I know my rights!" Brutality refused to comment.

    Again, an update to let you know that Saddam Hussein has still been captured yesterday. We will have exclusive interviews tomorrow with Giblets to get reactions from Giblets on the capture of Saddam Hussein. To keep you updated on the capture of Saddam Hussein.
    posted by fafnir at 12:01 PM
    Sunday, December 14, 2003

    Now if only they would go after the American one. And if only the media would stop confusin him with Saddam Hussein, who looks nothin like him at all. What is wrong with you Saddam Hussein! Why are you sitting in that hole in the ground! Why are you taking the joy out of Christmas! What did Christmas ever do to you!
    posted by fafnir at 1:09 PM

    There's been much talk of Democratic Presidential candidate Howard Dean, especially since he won the endorsement of Al Gore last week. Is Dean an electable candidate, a suitable challenger to George W. Bush, or will his darkly radical agenda ensure that his nomination will plunge the Democratic Party into a stygian abyss from which they may never recover?

    So much speculation - so few answers. For those speculating are merely human, with merely human perception. But not so for... the Medium Lobster, whose range of awareness stretches far beyond the reaches of what you call "the infinite." Come with me, and partake in but a fraction of the vast transtemporal knowledge that lies outside your understanding, as we gaze through the Lobsterscope into the potential future of...

    ...NOMINEE DEAN! While Dean's radical positions on gun control, balanced budgets, and school lunch programs have already marked him as the bleeding edge of the lunatic fringe, it will not be until he seizes the nomination that his madness is truly revealed. Dean's policy stances and statements will increasingly reveal a disturbing streak of extremism - one that pushes a terrified America away from him into the waiting arms of the Republicans.

    Dean's new universal health care plan is met with universal horror when he reveals his intentions to nationalize America's drug industry and draft all doctors into a "Red Corps" of medics forced to provide free health care to all Americans. How does the "fiscal conservative" plan to pay for it all? By legalizing heroin - and peddling the drug on the streets as a state-controlled narcotic! When asked how he would overcome resistance to such a radical proposal, Dean replies, "My opponents blood will pave the way for the permanent revolution."

    Dean's position on gay marriage makes the candidate even more contentious, as, when asked about his stance, the chosen face of the Democratic Party responds by staring deeply into a live CNN camera and saying, "As President, I will not rest until every man, women, and child in America is gay. Every single one."

    In the Bush-Dean debates, Dean manages to outdo previous debate disasters Nixon and Dukakis when he lets slip yet another fatal gaffe: when asked what he would have done as President in the days following September 11th, Dean replies, "Surrender to the terrorists, hand over Israel to the Taliban, and enact the forcible conversion of all Americans to the one true religion of Islam, for there is no God but Allah, and Mohammed is his prophet."

    The Republican landslide in 2004 is so devastating that the Republicans win every seat in
    contention in the House and the Senate, rendering the Democrats utterly powerless. The GOP, meanwhile, becomes so strongly entrenched that they confidently run as their candidate in 2008 a bizarre genetic chimera of Joseph McCarthy, Ronald Reagan, and Adolph Hitler, under the campaign slogan, "The McCarthy/Reagan/Hitler Chimera: He's No Liberal!" The Democrats, forced to run the delicately-preserved corpse of Robert Byrd, are crushed, and officially disband as a party in 2010, leaving the American Nazi Party to present itself as the only serious second-party challenger to the Republican stronghold.

    Looking on sadly, the prescient few who warned of the Dean Disaster - well-meaning crypto-liberals such as William Safire and Karl Rove - brush away tears and ask themselves, "What would have happened if the party had nominated someone strong? Someone who could have made a challenge, and provided real leadership for America and the Democratic Party - someone like Joseph Lieberman? Would the poll taxes not have returned then? Would we have avoided the Patriotic Scouring? Would the world - dare we dream - be a better place?"

    Ah, but the hour grows late, I fear, and those are stories for another time.
    posted by the Medium Lobster at 11:59 AM
    Thursday, December 11, 2003

    A revolution is starting my freinds. A revolution to take back our country. To take back our country for GloFish.

    Like I said before, the delightful glow in the dark fish known as GloFish are bein oppressed in this country on account of not being sold in fine pet stores. Their oppressors are the evil California Fish and Game Commission, who are all "grrr we don want GloFish cause they're too cool for us and we're big and mean and stupid!" Boooo, California Fish and Game Commission! Boooo, oppression!

    But now GloFish oppression awareness is spreading, like in this editorial in the Alameda Times-Star decrying the GloFish ban, and in the Food and Drug Administration, which in a Reuters article has been quoted as sayin sees "no need to regulate the red fluorescent creatures."

    Well how bout them apples, California Fish and Game Commission? With powerful allies like the Food and Drug Administration and the Alameda Times-Star on our side, the Free GloFish Movement cant lose! PS there is a Free GloFish Movement now. I am in it! So are you. Congratulatons, you! You are a part of the solution, hooray!

    I hope to make the Free GloFish Movement a big internet-savvy web campaign similar to "Moveon.org" and "Feed Mr. T."

    You can start out by Contacting Your Congressman Today! Here is a suggested sample email. Feel free to alter it according to your own thoughts and feelings but remember that your thoughts and feelings will be NOT AS GOOD AS FAFNIR'S AND WILL THUS JEOPARDIZE THE MOVEMENT!

    Dear Senator or Congressman,

    Hi, how's things, things are fine. Except in California where the California Fish and Game Commission are trying to stop us all from buying GloFish! Where is the Justice, Senator or Congressman? Where is the love? The love is in the GloFish - and the GloFish has been banned. Love has been banned, Senator or Congressman. Banned by the California Fish and Game Commission.

    Can democracy continue to exist if there are no GloFish in California? The answer is a resounding "no." I urge you to use your vast Senatorial or Congressional powers to save the GloFish and thus the nation before it is too late. I am a single-issue voter and will be notin your response.

    Love,
    me
    posted by fafnir at 4:00 PM
    Wednesday, December 10, 2003

    The blog Obsidian Wings has accepted the dominance of Giblets. Yes, you are bound within the Pax Gibletsia now. You may walk within Giblets's empire freely and without fear of reprisal.

    And to think that Ethan thought this wouldn't work! Fie on you, Ethan. Fie! As punishment for not believing in the power of Giblets, I condemn you to sanctions. Whenever your name is mentioned within the realm of Giblets it will be linked to this. Fear the wrath of Giblets, Ethan! FEAR IT RIGHT NOW!

    Giblets has decided that the realm of Giblets shall now also include CNN, the Dean campaign, the Associated Press, and the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language.
    posted by Giblets at 12:12 PM

    dir: Don Coscarelli
    starring: Bruce Campbell, Ossie Davis

    So last night I was sposed to go see the film Bubba Hotep starrin Bruce Campbell as Elvis vs the mummy. I was sposed to go see it with Chris. I am sure that it is a fine film with much humor and pathos in which an aging King of Rock n Roll faces his mortality and his legacy while battlin it out with an inexplicably cowboy-hat-wearing egyptian mummy. If I had seen the film I am sure I would say that it was an hilarious yet poignant entry into the vaults of cult film. I would say "yay, Bubba Hotep". This film gets four stars (****).

    movie review: Chris not takin me to see Bubba Hotep

    dir: Chris
    starring: Chris, me

    But instead of our usual arrangement whereby Chris casually stuffs me into an oversized dufflebag throws me over his shoulder and escorts me into the theater, he left me at home while he enjoyed the film without Fafnir. Simply on account of me "being asleep" and "having thrown ham salad over all the furniture." Well how else is tha ham salad going to get on the furniture chris? Would you like to explain that one? Harumph.

    I found this film to be uninteresting, uncompelling, cinematically drab, and mean. I give it and its first-time director half a star (1/2*).
    posted by fafnir at 11:44 AM
    Tuesday, December 9, 2003

    So a lot of people been askin "Fafnir when are you with all of your NASA experience and moon expertise gonna comment about the president's plan to go back to the moon?" And of course you are right, if there is anyone who needs to talk about this issue it is Fafnir. I can still remember landin on the moon with fellow astronauts Buzz Aldrin and William Shatner. Those were great days.

    But what will a new moon landin bring us you ask? Or rather you ask "Fafnir gimme ice cream I want ice cream it is so delicious waaaah!" because you have a short attention span and because ice cream IS delicious. I say quiet you! and listen to me talk about the moon.

    Some are sayin "why go back to the moon Fafnir it is old and cold and borin" well that's where you're wrong mister. I am glad that the president is showing the initiative to go back to the moon and to establish ties of friendship with the Moonanians with whom America has always had a rocky past. There is so much we can learn from their strange yet beautiful culture. When the Moon Embassy opens its doors in Washington you can bet Fafnir will be the first one there, eatin ice cream with Buzz Aldrin and William Shatner.

    For more on this, stay tuned for my full moon interview with George W. Bush, who is the president. I have been keepin him waitin while I eat my ice cream. It is so delicious.
    posted by fafnir at 10:35 PM

    Today Al Gore endorsed the candidacy of Howard Dean.

    THIS MEANS NOTHING. Was he endorsed by Giblets? No! Did Giblets say Gore could endorse Howard Dean? NOT AT ALL!

    Gore and Dean are both Giblets's! Both belong to Giblets! Dance, Gore! Dance, Dean! None of you will be president unless it amuses Giblets! Insolent Gore! Insolent Dean!

    Perhaps Giblets will endorse Lyndon LaRouche! That will show you all!

    Giblets is cranky. Bring me my pie!
    posted by Giblets at 9:13 PM
    Monday, December 8, 2003

    ENOOOUUUGH! No more of this "Fafnir this" and "Fafnir that"! The blog belongs to Giblets! GIBLEEEEETTTSS! It now lies within the realm of Giblets, which will be forever known as the Great Gibletsian Empire. You are now one of its citizens, a subject of Giblets. Yes, you, reading this. Giblets declares you to be Giblets's!

    To be a Gibletsian is a special privelege and honor. It means you have nothing to fear, for Gibletsia is the greatest country in the world. NOTHING TO FEAR EXCEPT GIBLETS BOW BEFORE GIBLETS!

    Today is the dawning of a new age. A Pax Gibletsia.

    Now that Giblets rules this blog it is time for Giblets to expand. Today, Fafblog, tomorrow, the blogosphere! Giblets declares himself to have annexed Tacitus, Atrios, ObsidianWings, and Talking Points Memo. Dance for Giblets, Talking Points Memo! Your incisive political commentary does not amuse him! DANCE DANCE DANCE!
    posted by Giblets at 8:16 PM
    Friday, December 5, 2003

    By now all of you have just heard that America has run out of flu vaccine. "Oh no!" cries America. "I am laid hopeless before the plague of flu!" No America never fear - Fafnir will save you by making more!

    Right now I am in the Faflab with Giblets mixing up an emergency batch of flu vaccine for America. We already are adding vital ingredients such as wax tissues an gum into the centrifuge. By morning America you will be safe against the deadly wave of sniffles, coughing, fever, nausea, and other flulike symptoms that accompany the evil bastard known as Flu.

    But in the meantime you must take precautions! Fafnir cant get his vaccine to you immediately - you must protect yourselves with these vital FAFNIR'S VITAL ANTI-FLU TIPS!

    DO NOT GET THE FLU. Remember America, prevention is still the best form of medicine. That means no inhalin flu microbes, no lickin strange bathroom tiles, and no eating the flu. I am lookin sternly in your direction, flu-fetish community.

    KILL ALL RATS ON SIGHT. Remember that they are known to carry the flu and may wheeze on you unexpectedly if they get too close! I AM SORRY RATS I LOVE YOU ALL BUT THIS MUST BE DONE! Also, Eskimos.

    WHEN A FAMILY MEMBER OR FRIEND GETS THE FLU, BURN THEIR BODIES. This can be very difficult for a number of reasons. Sometimes it is hard to accept that you have to part with a loved one. Sometimes the loved one is sayin "Man quit it, stop tryin to burn me man" like Chris is doin now (Chris has the flu I AM SO SORRY CHRIS I WILL MISS YOU SO MUCH) but it is too late for them and you must contain the disease.

    For more about flu prevention consult the Center for Disease Control.
    posted by fafnir at 5:57 PM

    I am angry today! I am very very angry! I am the angriest Fafnir you ever will see!

    As related by Californian blogger and hot dog magnate Calpundit via the LA Times, the California Fish and Game Commission has banned the sale of genetically engineered GloFish, delightful fluorescent fish which really and truly glow. WHY? Because they are BASTARD BASTARD WEENIES.

    This is an outrage, and an insult, to free people and to fish-fanciers everywhere. And we must fight this! And we will fight this.

    FOR SCIENCE: There is no telling what remarkable achievements we will achieve with the technology that comes from figurin out how to make fish glow. The skeptic once said, "Why go to the moon? There is nothin up there on the moon but rocks, and foul moon men!" Boo, skeptics! If we listened to the skeptics there would be no rockets, no velcro, no Tang! The applications of glowing fish technology are beyond imagination, from glowing frogs to glowing gerbils to dare I say it glowing monkeys. The possibilities are limitless my friends.

    FOR LIBERTY: First they came for the GloFish and I did not speak up because I was not a GloFish. Then they came for the Italian clone babies and I did not speak up because I was not an Italian clone baby. Who will be next? It could be anyone. Don't let the California Fish and Game Commission trample our civil liberties.

    FOR AMERICA: GloFish are American. Being anti-GloFish is like being anti-American. That means you hate America! What did America ever do to you, California Fish and Game Commission? It gave you jazz and online porn and The Boss and the Grand Canyon! Are you going to ban the Grand Canyon now, too? Have you no decency California Fish and Game Commission? At long last have you no decency?
    posted by fafnir at 8:49 AM
    Thursday, December 4, 2003

    It's only 21 days until Christmas. Only 21 days until Santa comes to eat me.

    AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT IT, BLOGGY PEOPLE? Nothing.

    I have been "on hiatus" for a couple weeks, which is an Industry Term. It means "doing basically crap." Now that I'm back from hiatus, here's some updates on the incredible things I've accomplished so far.

    MY HUNGER/EATING STRIKE: was a fantastic success. While peace and stability have not come to confused Sri Lanka, it appears that they have come to Louisville, Kentucky. Which once was on the brink of war. Maybe. So my hunger strike ricocheted off Sri Lanka and hit Louisville. Good for you, Louisville! Also, peace has been brought to the steel tariffs. Yes, the steel tariffs, which were once on the brink of war. And now no longer exist. What you don't believe me? Don't go lookin funny at me if you don't pay attention to the news.

    MY INVESTIGATION OF THE WHITE HOUSE: came to a sudden end today, as it turns out it was never a big deal after all. Slate's Tim Noah sat down with a copy of Vanity Fair magazine and splained it all to me. "You see Fafnir," said the copy of Vanity Fair magazine, "in this topsy-turvy world, who can tell what goes on when you say who's a CIA agent and who's not? It's all politics and headline-grabbing, man! Up is down! Left is right! Spock has a beard! Forget it, man, it's Chinatown!" "That sure does make a lot of sense, copy of Vanity Fair magazine," I said. Then Shaggy and Velma pulled off Valerie Plame's mask. She'd been Ol' Man Withers all along, tryin' to scare the President away from the abandoned amusement park! Shame on you Ol' Man Withers.

    I'm gonna be doin a lot more bloggin from now on, because in this crazy world, I feel The Blog-Going Public needs a Fafnir perspective, a zone of no spin if you will, to inform them on current events. To assist me in this task I am bringin in helper bloggers Giblets and The Medium Lobster, because even Fafnir cannot do it alone. Especially when I must also catch Santa Claus first and kill him before he kills me.
    posted by fafnir at 3:27 PM
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