Saturday, August 14, 2004

So it turns out the president an the defense department have started runnin around the Supreme Court on all those people we got locked away in Guantanamo an such, denying them as many legal rights as possible like the right to an attorney an stickin them up in front of special Combatant Status Review Tribunals which pretty much just rubber stamp a prisoner's status while squeezing more information out of them.

So bein indefinitely detained is about as bad now as it was a couple months ago. But is it really that bad? Let's find out with a special edition of Arab vs. Pepsi, where we see how the rights of an enemy combatant in Gitmo stack up with the rights of a Pepsi machine!

  • An enemy combatant in Guantanamo Bay is confined to a 2.4 by 1.8 meter wire mesh cell.
  • A Pepsi machine is immobile.
  • Advantage: Arab!

  • An enemy combatant has the right to file a habeas corpus petition but no access to legal counsel to prepare those petitions.
  • A Pepsi machine might have the legal right to file a habeas corpus petition if it were ever in some situation that yknow, required a Pepsi machine to file a habeas corpus petition. But it lacks the cognitive functions necessary to decide to file that petition.
  • Advantage: Kind of a wash!

  • An enemy combatant has no right to relief, includin the riight to a lawyer, to see medical personnel, to see their families, or to be told what crime they have been charged with.
  • A Pepsi machine similarly lacks any right to relief an while a damaged Pepsi machine is often sent to a repairman before it is scrapped an replaced this is not a right per se.
  • Advantage: Again, pretty even!

  • Someone who orders the beating, torture, and submerging of an enemy combatant in water is likely to be called the best Secretary of Defense the United States has ever had.
  • Someone who orders the beating, torture, and submerging of a Pepsi machine in water is likely to be heavily fined, disciplined or ordered to replace the Pepsi machine.
  • Advantage: Pepsi!

  • An enemy combatant is kinda gross an smelly from sittin in a cell all day long being beaten and despairing of life.
  • Pepsi is delicious and refreshing!
  • Big advantage: Pepsi!

    So it looks like the rights of an enemy combatant are almost even, give or take, with the rights of a Pepsi machine. And that is not bad at all! The Pepsi machine is one a the great an beloved cultural icons of our land! A Pepsi machine serves as an oasis of cool wet deliciousness in a desert of thirst. Stand proud indefinitely detained people! Our legal system has embraced you as one of our most precious appliances.

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  • posted by fafnir at 9:06 PM




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