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Saturday, November 14, 2009
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and four of his friends are going to stand trial! It's taken about six and a half years for this to happen, during which they were all presumably kept waiting in the parlor of a sumptuous mansion along with the Colonel, the Countess, the jewel thief, the butler and the maid while a brilliant but eccentric sleuth attempted to discern the identity of the true culprit through the use of the deductive method, the thorough examination of evidence, and simulated drowning.
Everybody else has to stay in Special Torture Jail forever on accounta they have all come down with Schrodinger's Guilt. If they stay in the box they might be guilty, but if we open the box they might not be. Labels: securitainment, shmorture, warnography
posted by fafnir at 9:54 AM
Friday, December 16, 2005
In a surprising turnaround not at all brought about by the fact that it was going to be banned anyway, the Bush administration would like to announce that torture is no longer a critical and necessary tool in the war on terror used to prevent thousands of ticking time bombs from destroying the very fabric of the Republic. Instead, it is evil and wrong, and by banning it the president shows that he proudly stands on the moral high ground of a man who has banned torture only after being publicly shamed into doing so. Curiously enough, while torture will now be barred from American prisons, information obtained through torture will now be admissable at military tribunals. How would the United States even come into possession of such evidence now that the vigilant guardians of justice in the Pentagon have managed to prevent their soldiers from ever carrying it out? Perhaps it will be the whimsical work of the Torture Fairy, flitting from cell to cell with an unmuzzled dog. Perhaps gangs of amiable, roughhousing leprechauns will pop up from time to time to merrily extract confessions with a waterboarding or two. Perhaps the next several hundred prisoners found with bruises, burns, and broken bones will have all injured themselves in increasingly frantic attempts to secure seconds of delicious rice pilaf. Rest assured, from this day forth, the detainees tortured in American military prisons will only be tortured by accident or happenstance, or by dozens of rogue soldiers acting in simultaneously and of their own accord.
Labels: shmorture
posted by the Medium Lobster at 7:39 AM
Tuesday, December 6, 2005
FAFBLOG: Wow, Condoleezza Rice, right here on our blog! How do we do it!
CONDOLEEZZA RICE: It's a pleasure to be here, Fafnir. FB: Secretary Rice, right now America's takin a lotta heat from the European Union on account of our policy of sending prisoners to foreign countries to be tortured. Question: what's wrong with good ol fashioned American torturers? Aren't we just shippin their jobs overseas? RICE: First of all, we don't send prisoners off to be tortured, Fafnir. We just transport prisoners to countries where torture happens to be legal and where they happen to end up getting tortured. FB: Well that explains everything then! It's all just a wacky misunderstanding, like that episode a Three's Company where Jack sends Janet off to Uzbekistan to get boiled alive by the secret police. RICE: I'd also like to point out that whenever we send a prisoner to a country that routinely tortures prisoners, that country promises us NOT to torture them. FB: And then they get tortured anyway! RICE: Yes, they do! It's very strange. FB: Over and over again, every time! That's gotta be so frustrating. RICE: Oh it is, it is. FB: So the first time you kidnap a prisoner an send him to Saudi Arabia you're like "don't torture this guy" an they're all "we totally won't" an then they go an torture him an you're all "ooh Saudi Arabia I told you not to torture him!" an they're all "oh we're sorry, we promise next time" an then you go "well you better" an you send em the next guy an they torture him too an you go "oh man Saudi Arabia you did it AGAIN!" RICE: The president believes in the value of patience, Fafnir. He's not going to let a few dozen innocent torture victims come between him and his favorite third-world dictators. FB: See after the first coupla hundred times that happened I woulda registered a complaint with customer service. RICE: But the real point is that these accidental torture missions are vital to the war on terror. Remember that these aren't just prisoners. These are known Muslims with names very similar to suspected associates of other Muslims. FB: They're just the sorta key players that could lead us to Hosama bin Blaben and Musad al Zarcotti! RICE: Exactly. And by subjecting these high-profile non-targets to not-torture in nonexistent secret prisons, you can bet we'll stop a lot of pretend terror. But Europe doesn't seem to appreciate our non-efforts to protect them. FB: Maybe the president could send Europe some nice flowers with a message like "Europe I'm so sorry I kidnapped your citizens an had em beaten in a gulag for a year but you know I did it cause I loved you baby." RICE: We shouldn't have to apologize, Fafnir. We have fully respected the sovereignty of countries cooperating with the United States. FB: Now does that include Canada? Cause three years ago the US grabbed a Canadian citizen and sent him off to Syria where he was imprisoned and tortured for over a year before being released and the Canadians seem to think you screwed em over pretty bad on that one. RICE: Fafnir, it's easy to criticize. The CIA's public mistakes are on display every day, while Americans never get to see its private successes - successes like covering up our private mistakes. FB: Cause I was thinkin maybe you've just been accidentally respectin the sovereignty of a different Canada, like the elusive Mock Canada, or maybe Dick Cheney in a clever plastic Canada costume. RICE: Everything we've done has been completely within the law, Fafnir, and what's more OH MY GOD IS THAT A TICKING BOMB? FB: And in 2003 you guys drugged and abducted a German citizen while he was on vacation and flew him off to Afghanistan for five months. RICE: I'm sorry, I missed that question as this "Totally Nineties" station momentarily distracted me with the nostalgic strains of Chumbawumba. FB: Maybe he just got abducted by accident, like he was walkin down the street an he tripped an fell into a CIA agent's syringe by mistake or somethin. RICE: I get knocked down! But I get up again! And you're never gonna keep me down, I get knocked down! FB: It was a pleasure to see you here Ms. Rice. Come back anytime! Labels: interviews, shmorture
posted by fafnir at 4:12 PM
Tuesday, November 8, 2005
Q. Help! I'm still being tortured to death in an American military prison! What should I do?
A. Sigh. We've been through this before. You can't be getting tortured to death because we do not torture. Q. Whew, that's a relief! For a second there I thought I was being forced underwater until near the point of death. A. Ha ha, that's not torture! That's what we call a "freedom dip." Q. Can I be released from this American military prison? A. No, because we can neither confirm nor deny that this military prison even exists. For all we know, you might not even be here! Q. Wow, that'd be great! Any idea where I might be? A. Not a clue! It's a mystery. Q. Gee, I hope I'm home with my family drinking a nice big mug of cocoa. A. You keep that up. Q. I sure - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Q. Is this non-torture legal? A. Absolutely. We will beat you, bash your limbs to pulp, and leave you to die of exposure, but we will do so under the law. Q. Congress is trying to ban the cruel, degrading, and humiliating treatment of prisoners in U.S. custody. Will this non-torture be illegal then? A. Of course not, because this non-torture is neither cruel, degrading, nor humiliating. Although we will veto any such legislation if passed by Congress. While we do not torture, we reserve the right to hypothetically torture. Q. Is the CIA agent breaking my legs being cruel, humiliating or degrading? A. The CIA agent breaking your legs is doing so in the most dignified and humane way possible. Q. What about the army officer raping me with a chemical light? A. The army officer raping you with a chemical light will later serve you a delicious meal of orange chicken and rice pilaf. Q. Ooh! And for dessert? A. Death by asphyxiation and a magnificent crème brulée! Q. I can't waAAAAAAAAAAAHH OH GOD Q. Why am I being not-tortured in this non-prison? A. Because you're a dangerous terrorist and an enemy of the United States. Q. Ah! How'd you find that out? A. You told us, right after we started torturing you. Q. You also got me to say I was a duck. A. Ducks are dangerous terrorists and enemies of the United States. Q. And to think I never knew! Who told you that? A. Some duck we tortured. Q. At some point between going to war and beating me to death while I'm chained to the floor in my own feces, do you think you went too far? A. No, because this is a different kind of war. Q. Different because the threat is more dangerous, or different because it's more complex? A. Different because it gives us an excuse to torture people to death in American military prisons. Q. Well, I certainly don't want to stand in the way of defending America. *RRRGGGKK* Or I wouldn't, if I still had the ability to stand. A. It's the least any of us can ask of someone else when they're being tortured to death in an American military prison! Labels: shmorture
posted by the Medium Lobster at 5:04 PM
Thursday, November 3, 2005
Recently the Vice President has come under fire for attempting to legalize torture for the CIA. While this would certainly make things more convenient for the CIA, who happen to be Definitely Not-torturing prisoners already in a secret network of Definitely Not-gulags, one is inclined to wonder at the moral implications of making torture available to this select clique of the intelligence elite, of essentially setting the Central Intelligence Agency above American, international, and moral law. Upon considering it, we must reject this notion: torture, after all, should be the legal right of everyone.
As an instrument used only on the evil people who utterly deserve it, torture has proved an invaluable and ethical tool in fighting terrorists and witches alike. If anything, America could use more torture: with an overstretched military weary and embattled in the long slog of Iraq, it's clear that the War on Terror needs more torturers on the ground. America's torturers can be lost in the line of duty, too - carpal tunnel from lengthy waterboarding sessions, head injuries from tripping over human pyramids - and if the United States doesn't keep a steady supply of trained torturers to replace these weary heroes, how can it expect to maintain the best and brightest organized rape squads in the world? It is deeply disappointing then, that Mr. Cheney is willing to allow only the CIA to utilize this vital anti-terror tool. Indeed, given the recent explosion in global terrorist activity, America needs as many torturers as it can get to track down this mysterious new wave of Islamist recruits. Torture shouldn't just be the tool of the CIA or even the armed forces. It should be the legal right - no, the duty - of every American citizen. It's time to combine the good old-fashioned tradition of American volunteerism with the brand new traditions of forced sleep deprivation and genital electrocution. Fund non-profit torture charities, both secular and faith-based. Support neighborhood watch groups with an eye toward torturing local terrorists. Offer scholarships to college students who pledge to spend four years torturing abroad with the Peace Corps. Parents should get their children involved: bring them to work at the Soviet-era prison camp for a day; teach mandatory waterboarding classes at school. Even more critical than building the torture corps itself is the simple feeling of solidarity that participating in torture generates: an involved America is a strong America. To some this idea will seem quaint, but defending one's homeland is no idle matter, and America needs every helping hand it can get - as long as that hand is turning a thumbscrew. Labels: shmorture
posted by the Medium Lobster at 5:31 PM
Friday, October 14, 2005
FAFBLOG: It's great to have you on the blog today God! We never hang out anymore.
GOD: Well, God's a busy man, Fafnir - what with all the smiting, and the earthquakes, and the smiting, and the pestilence, and the smiting. Oh - and I'm speaking at a charity fundraiser later this afternoon. FB: Well - see there, that's good! You're helpin out in your community. GOD: A charity fundraiser for smiting. And of course I have my government work. FB: So you really DO tell the president what to do! GOD: Oh yeah. Me and Dubya are like THIS. Iraq War, tax cuts, Gitmo - that was all me. FB: So when you told him to Invade Iraq you also told him it was gonna cost thousands of lives, hundreds of billions of dollars, and leave the country ripped apart by sectarian violence, right? GOD: The thing is, I told him to invade, but I ALSO told him to send in more troops. See, that's the thing of it. We just need more boots on the ground there, Fafnir. FB: Hey, that's a great idea, God! Where do we get the troops? GOD: I specifically told the president to mold them out of the earth and breathe into them the gift of life. Sadly, my expert advice was ignored. FB: So is the war just a screw-up then? Cause this is the sorta stuff people use to prove you don't exist. GOD: God's policies work in mysterious ways, Fafnir. Maybe what mortal eyes see as a catastrophic failure is, in the greater plan of God, an incredible success! FB: Ooh, like maybe the increased terrorism will lead to increased explosions which will make us more visible from space which will attract benevolent super-aliens who will finally capture Osama bin Laden! GOD: Maybe. I could tell you the answer, but then you wouldn't need faith in the war. FB: And if I don't have faith in the war, the war can't die for my sins! GOD: Yeah, something like that. FB: So, how's that work with hurricanes and torture? GOD: Well, thing is, part of being God is delegating authority. For the low-level decisions - who's ignoring hurricanes, who's torturing who - you really have to go to the local and state-level Gods. Little thing we like to call "federalism," Fafnir. FB: Now at the same time you were tellin the president to ignore the hurricane, you were also creating the hurricane. Isn't that a conflict of interest? GOD: First of all, being God is hard work. You've got like grass to grow and stuff. I'd like to see YOU stop a hurricane. FB: I bet Superman could stop a hurricane. GOD: He could not. FB: Could too. He can spin the earth around so time goes backwards. A hurricane’s nothin for Superman. GOD: Well, y'know, I can do plenty of stuff. I can turn women into salt. I can make loaves and fishes - loaves and fishes like you wouldn't believe. FB: Are you worried about the Draft Superman movement? GOD: The what? There's no Draft Superman movement. FB: Sure there is. They got like a blog an everything. GOD: Huh. FB: So did you ever tell the president to do anything about Valerie Plame? Cause I hear you got subpoenaed to testify in front a the grand jury. GOD: I won't answer that without the advice of my attorney. Look, there's a ton of inconsistencies in the Superman gospels, ever notice that? One day he's got a fortress of solitude and a bottle city of Kandor and the next day he doesn't. Kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it? FB: Pretty much everybody thinks you gotta resign if they indict. Does the line of succession make Jesus the Acting God then or does the Vice-God take over? GOD: I mean, people aren't gonna pray to Superman! You can kill the guy with a freaking rock! FB: It's been great to have you here, God! Stop by anytime. Labels: interviews, shmorture, warnography
posted by fafnir at 3:33 PM
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
or, Remaining Explanations for the Widespread, Remarkably Similar Patterns of Prisoner Abuse in the U.S. Armed Forces, and the Failure of High-Ranking Officers to Report Them, Which Do Not Include the Existence of Officially-Sanctioned Torture as a Policy of the United States
Magoo's Postulate: While dozens of soldiers have indeed carried out thorough and sadistic acts of torture on military prisoners, their superior officers remained ignorant of everything, convinced, due to a rare ophthalmological disorder, that they were observing a particularly rousing performance of The Pirates of Penzance. Bell's Theorem: If one entangles the quantum states of two prisoners and then separates them, even over a vast spatial distance, torture tactics performed on one prisoner will be instantaneously observed as identical torture tactics performed on the second prisoner. Realizing that their own observations would continue to resolve into tortured-prisoner states as much as non-tortured-prisoner states, humane officers refused to investigate the incidents. The Funt Hypothesis: Nothing but wild pranks - wild, deliberate, meticulously organized pranks on the part of the military, the CIA, the press, the Iraqis, and a host of international human rights organizations to trick America into thinking it's actually been torturing people. A couple months from now, while being led by some of its closest friends to a vaguely trendy restaurant, America will hear a bunch of abused prisoners shout "Surprise!", see Osama bin Laden pop out of a birthday cake, and be simultaneously relieved and bemused to learn that the entire War on Terror has been an elaborate joke. Me Lucky Charms: Leprechauns did it. Labels: shmorture
posted by the Medium Lobster at 2:25 PM
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Last week, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Richard B. Myers, in a statement opposing the release of videotapes and photographs of torture at Abu Ghraib, said that the information should not be released for the purposes of national security. The release of such images, Myers said, could damage the war effort by instigating "riots, violence and attacks by insurgents."
Indeed, the Medium Lobster could not agree more: while some in the petty name of "truth," "accountability" and "basic humanity" might want to open this material to the world, outrage over yet another American atrocity would just fuel more violence. Oh, ACLU, don't you have enough blood on your hands? Which is why the Medium Lobster also believes the time is long overdue to classify the Iraq War. Given the number of riots, the amount of violence, and the attacks by insurgents that appear to have erupted since the dawn of the war, it's clear that something has to be done to stop news of the conflict from getting out to crazed terrorists, who, becoming so excitable about the prospect of American torture, might well become livid if they learned of the US's involvement in preventively invading a muslim country and killing thousands there in a massively botched occupation. Indeed, in retrospect it was a mistake to have been so public about the war to begin with. Perhaps the Pentagon could have let a couple bombers and tanks into the country at night periodically to bomb a palace or shell a neighborhood. If anyone noticed a few demolished buildings, or a few thousand dead people, one could always blame it on a some bad apples, sort of fraternity air raid hijinks. In any case, what's done is done. The Medium Lobster recommends in the strongest possible terms that no mention be made ever again of the war, its disastrous progress, its inept and incompetent leadership, or the mystifying reasons for which it was launched, ever again - for the sake of national security. Labels: securitainment, shmorture, warnography
posted by the Medium Lobster at 7:17 PM
Thursday, August 4, 2005
All of us love freedom, and all of us want to protect freedom, and surely to protect freedom it was necessary to tie Abed Hamed Mowhoush in a sleeping bag and an electrical cord, and surely to secure our basic liberties it was essential to beat him with a club and a length of rubber hose, and certainly it was vital to the preservation of our way of life to bludgeon him to death over a period of days in an interrogation room, just as it is critical to keep these and other methods of torture legal at all costs. But why, if the deed was just - and it can't not have been just - did the Army and the CIA cover up the murder, classify the autopsy, put out a whitewashed account for the press? Why do they continue to deny to this day what we know to be true, what the president's actions defend as the truth: that torture is the official policy of the United States? Is it some foul act of self-sabotage or some perverse modesty that causes the Pentagon, the CIA and the White House to cravenly hide behind their underlings instead of triumphantly claiming the 2005 Golden Mengele for themselves? Whatever the explanation, George Bush and his administration are shortchanging themselves and the millions of Americans who deserve to know exactly how these men have been proudly protecting and defending their values. Don't be shy, gentlemen, Mr. Secretary, Mr. President. These corpses are all yours.
Labels: shmorture
posted by the Medium Lobster at 12:18 PM
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Senator Durbin:
Last week, you had the nerve to compare torture conducted by America's brave men and women in uniform to torture conducted by Nazis, Soviets, and Khmer Rouge, and today you finally apologized. As well you should have: that comment was offensive. Deeply offensive. Many of the proud men and women at Guantanamo were deeply upset by it, shaking with anger, fear and doubt as they kicked naked men in the ribs and released the dogs. One soldier could hardly muster up the morale to brain a prisoner and stuff his semi-conscious head into a toilet bowl. But they found the strength and resolve to keep going, senator. Because they aren't torturing for Nazis or communists or some third world hellhole. Those boys are torturing for the stars and stripes, senator - and don't you forget it. But the men and women in the United States military don't just learn how to twist arms into stress positions and chain detainees to the ceiling. They also learn to forgive. And they've decided to forgive you, senator. On behalf of all the torturers working hard today in the United States military, the Medium Lobster would like to say: apology accepted, Senator Durbin. The boys in the 101st Thumbscrew Division would accept your heartfelt concession personally, but they're busy serving the highest ideals of their country, beating a young Afghan man tied to the floor in his own feces. He is believed to be either a steadfast and vicious enemy of freedom intent on the murder of thousands of American citizens, or another cab driver. It's so hard to keep track these days. Labels: shmorture
posted by the Medium Lobster at 2:35 PM
Friday, June 17, 2005
The other day Senator Sick Durbin compared the kind of torture that happens in Guantanamo Bay to torture "done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags, or some mad regime — Pol Pot or others — that had no concern for human beings... the type of thing you would expect from a repressive regime. This is not the type of thing you would expect from the United States." Well the White House wants you to know it's all crazy talk! There's just no way Guantanamo Bay is as bad as the Soviets or Pol Pot. Those guys were really really bad! But that's not all! There's a whole lot of other people America isn't as bad as. Let's take a look!
Hitler How many times has the US tried to wipe out the Jews or started World War II? None - which is more than Hitler can say. Hitler killed ten million innocent people in camps over the 1930s and 40s. America has only killed about a hundred innocent people in prison camps over three years. At this rate it'll take the US thirty thousand years to beat Hitler's record. Hitler isn't too impressed with America's badness, I can tell you that. Depending on state law it is either illegal or mandatory to compare other bad people to Hitler on the internet. He's just that bad. Satan Satan is wanted for billions of crimes committed over the last ten thousand years including: Well the US government sure isn't as bad as Satan! How come Senator Durbin isn't denouncin Satan on the Senate floor? On accounta the partisan politics. For shame Senator Durbin. For shame. Galactus, Eater of Worlds: He eats whole worlds - with people on em an everything! Where would you be if Galactus ate your world? Nowhere that's where - or just floatin in space feelin real sad on accounta you don't got a world. How many worlds has the US ever eaten? Maybe, yknow, like one. Well that's nothin for Galactus... he eats worlds all the time. "So delicious Fafnir," says Galactus. "Mighty Galactus cannot devour just one." As of this writing Amnesty International remains completely silent on the issue of Galactus. Labels: shmorture
posted by fafnir at 9:17 AM
Wednesday, June 1, 2005
Q: Help! I'm being tortured to death in an American military prison! What should I do?
A: First of all, you should get your facts straight. You're not being tortured to death in an American military prison; you're being interrogated to death in an American detainment facility. America does not tolerate torture. Q: Is there any sort of legal representative or due process I could get before being beaten to death? A: No. Lawyers, open legal procedures, and basic civil liberties are all tools the enemy can use to escape justice - the justice of being beaten to death in a prison camp. Q: It's just that my name is Musab Mohammed Khan, the pastry chef, and I believe you have me confused with Musab Muhammed Khan, the al Qaeda associate also known as "The Fist of Jihad." A: First, there are many terrorist pastry chefs, just as there are many terrorist pastries. Second, competent intelligence and accurate prison records are both tools the enemy can use to escape justice. Q: I seem to be losing all feeling in my lower body. Is there a doctor in the gulag? A: Please: we find the term "gulag" absurd and offensive. A "gulag" is Russian. You are not being interrogated to death by Russians. You are being interrogated to death by the greatest country in the world. Q: Is there a more accurate term you'd pre- aaaa! AAAAAAAA! A: We prefer "outpost of liberty" or "island of freedom." Stringing together Guantanamo Bay, Abu Ghraib, and Bagram Airbase creates the Freedom Archipelago. Q: So! Much! FreeedaaaAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGH!!! Q: When I die in a few minutes, will my death help the cause of freedom? A: Not really. But in a way, isn't death itself just freedom from life - the greatest prison of all? Q: Wow... you've *HRAAACK* totally blown my mind - and my lung and ribcage and my kneecaps! A: Oh, don't thank us - it's all part of being tortured to death in an American military prison! Labels: shmorture
posted by the Medium Lobster at 4:16 PM
Saturday, May 21, 2005
 Perhaps, at this time, you may require some reassurance. Perhaps, if you are one of the handful of Americans not otherwise occupied with Amber Alerts and runaway brides and the curious sleepover habits of washed-up eighties pop stars, you may have accidentally happened upon a few bodies halfway across the world (Afwhatsistan? Bagrawho?), which may or may not have pricked whatever remains of a long-dormant and desensitized National Conscience. And you may be asking yourself what the point of all this has been, what has driven Americans halfway around the globe to sieze innocent men, beat their legs to pulp, and chain them to ceilings until they die.Regrettable, yes, but let us remember that these two eggs, like the dozens before them, and the tens of thousands before them, were broken to make the greatest and worthiest of omelettes, the most succulent of breakfasttime generational commitments, the proudest and most visionary of truck stop slop. And when it is finished and served, to whomever it is served, will it not have been worth the mound of eggshells, the broken crockery, the shattered glass, the mountain of murdered cooks, the acres of burning kitchen, the unbroken stench of dead flesh? And if that omelette is never made, won't the idea of the omelette - finer and purer and more pristine than the thing itself - have been worth them all, in the end? We must remember that for each complete failure the media reports - the innocents tortured to death without reason - there are hundreds of mere semi-failures we can never know about for reasons of vital national security, when the torture and murder of innocents stops a treacherous ticking bomb. Indeed, we must believe - no, assume - that with each new horror a new blow is struck for freedom, that with every new atrocity a fresh-painted Iraqi school blooms like a rose bud in spring. The day will come when the justice of this is made manifest, when these heaps of corpses will be vindicated as unquestionably righteous. That day is ahead of us, a bright light at the end of this dark tunnel. Can you see it growing closer, brighter, louder? Victory is bearing down on us with the sound of thunder. Labels: shmorture
posted by the Medium Lobster at 4:15 PM
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
There's a bomb on the streets of Hypotheticopolis - a ticking bomb! - and only Giblets can stop it! But time is running out and in order to find it Giblets may have to resort to the first weapon of last resort: torture. But oh how to apply it in this delicate moral quandry!
Detainee #0001: ABU MUHAMMED AL-HITLER. An evil Islamist Nazi space beast from space, only he knows the location of the secret marble-sized Death Bomb that could explode the world at any moment! He is also made of poison and eats babies by the bucket! TORTURE or NOT TORTURE? Giblets doesn't have to think about this one - he's made of poison, people! Giblets will of course regret this terrible violation of human rights and civil liberties, almost as much as he will regret enjoying it. Detainee #0002: ABU MOHAMMED AL-HITLER. So Giblets grabbed the wrong al-Hitler the first time. How was Giblets supposed to know Muhammed was such a common name! But now Giblets has his man! - probably! - and he isn't talking. TORTURE or NOT TORTURE? There is no question about it with the zillions of lives at stake! The good of the many! The good of the one! But oh how Giblets feels for human rights! Giblets will pour one out for his human rights homies when he is done. Detainees #0003-#0026: A BUSLOAD OF GUYS WHO MIGHT HANG OUT WITH ABU MOHAMMED AL-HITLER. Okay, so that last guy didn't seem to know anything either. But we've grabbed this bus coming out of the Terror District in Terrortown and some of these guys gotta be terrorists! Right now all of 'em deny everything, but that's just what you'd expect of the lousy terrorist buddies of a baby-eating Nazi. TORTURE or NOT TORTURE? Well, it's a big bus! Some of 'em have to deserve it, so bring it on - we still have a ticking bomb to find! 'Course there's gonna be innocent victims which will be a terrible tragedy. Oh, the fog of war, oh the eggs and omelettes! Mmmm, omelettes. Giblets could really go for one of those right about now. Detainee #0027: DR. PEPPER. Nothin' feels better in the middle of a long hard day of torture than a tall frosty glass of Dr. Pepper. The only thing this prisoner is aiding and abetting is refreshment! Detainee #0028: PIZZA MAN JOE. The bus terrorists were useless! But they did give Giblets the name of Pizza Man Joe, the pizza delivery man who may very well have delivered hot, deliciously Islamist pizza to Abu Mohammed al-Hitler at his secret bomb base! He claims he doesn't remember where he dropped off those sleeper-cell cinnamon stix, but a little torture ought to jog his memory! TORTURE or NOT TORTURE? This isn't some ordinary pizza guy. He's the pizza guy of terror. And there are the estimated one point five squillion innocent lives! Blah blah human rights blah. Detainee #0029: ME. Pizza Man Joe has told Giblets nothing! - or has he? Maybe he told Giblets exactly where to find the ticking bomb but Giblets is holding it back because Giblets has gone over to the other side! TORTURE or NOT TORTURE? Oh, sure, Giblets might look innocent, but we can't take any chances with jabillions of lives in the balance! Besides, where'd Giblets get all this experience torturing people? That's for terrorists! This might take a while - I got a feelin' I'm gonna be a tough nut to crack. Labels: shmorture
posted by Giblets at 5:51 PM
Sunday, January 9, 2005
Hello there an welcome to another edition of Alberto Gonzales Versus A Baked Potato! Today we'll rate the president's nominee for attorney general against a plump oven-hot starchy vegetable.
BACKSTORY Alberto Gonzales: Risen from humble roots, member of oppressed minority Baked potato: member of the Solanaceae family Advantage: GONZALES EVIL Alberto Gonzales: No longer pro-torture! Still pro-omnipotent executive branch. Baked potato: Product of the corrupt agribusiness industry Advantage: POTATO USEFULNESS TO THE PRESIDENT Alberto Gonzales: Loyal Bush family retainer, but easily replaced with novelty "You da man!" talking keychain Baked potato: Delicious with steak, but even better mashed Advantage: DRAW POWERS AND ABILITIES Alberto Gonzales: Doesn't offer own legal opinions to the president, can't remember previous legal opinions for the senate, can't explain current legal opinions to anybody. Baked potato: Doesn't offer own legal opinions to the president, can't remember previous legal opinions for the senate, can't explain current legal opinions to anybody, and is covered with hot melted butter and sour cream! Advantage: POTATO Decision: POTATO Wow, we gotta say this was a real blowout in the end! We expect the president to drop Gonzales in the next coupla days an announce a baked potato as his new man in the Justice Department... unless of course President Bush has bigger ideas for our starchy jurist. Rehnquist can't hold out forever! Labels: shmorture
posted by fafnir at 4:05 PM
Saturday, August 14, 2004
So it turns out the president an the defense department have started runnin around the Supreme Court on all those people we got locked away in Guantanamo an such, denying them as many legal rights as possible like the right to an attorney an stickin them up in front of special Combatant Status Review Tribunals which pretty much just rubber stamp a prisoner's status while squeezing more information out of them.
So bein indefinitely detained is about as bad now as it was a couple months ago. But is it really that bad? Let's find out with a special edition of Arab vs. Pepsi, where we see how the rights of an enemy combatant in Gitmo stack up with the rights of a Pepsi machine! So it looks like the rights of an enemy combatant are almost even, give or take, with the rights of a Pepsi machine. And that is not bad at all! The Pepsi machine is one a the great an beloved cultural icons of our land! A Pepsi machine serves as an oasis of cool wet deliciousness in a desert of thirst. Stand proud indefinitely detained people! Our legal system has embraced you as one of our most precious appliances. Labels: shmorture
posted by fafnir at 9:06 PM
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