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Wednesday, June 1, 2005
Q: Help! I'm being tortured to death in an American military prison! What should I do?
A: First of all, you should get your facts straight. You're not being tortured to death in an American military prison; you're being interrogated to death in an American detainment facility. America does not tolerate torture. Q: Is there any sort of legal representative or due process I could get before being beaten to death? A: No. Lawyers, open legal procedures, and basic civil liberties are all tools the enemy can use to escape justice - the justice of being beaten to death in a prison camp. Q: It's just that my name is Musab Mohammed Khan, the pastry chef, and I believe you have me confused with Musab Muhammed Khan, the al Qaeda associate also known as "The Fist of Jihad." A: First, there are many terrorist pastry chefs, just as there are many terrorist pastries. Second, competent intelligence and accurate prison records are both tools the enemy can use to escape justice. Q: I seem to be losing all feeling in my lower body. Is there a doctor in the gulag? A: Please: we find the term "gulag" absurd and offensive. A "gulag" is Russian. You are not being interrogated to death by Russians. You are being interrogated to death by the greatest country in the world. Q: Is there a more accurate term you'd pre- aaaa! AAAAAAAA! A: We prefer "outpost of liberty" or "island of freedom." Stringing together Guantanamo Bay, Abu Ghraib, and Bagram Airbase creates the Freedom Archipelago. Q: So! Much! FreeedaaaAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGH!!! Q: When I die in a few minutes, will my death help the cause of freedom? A: Not really. But in a way, isn't death itself just freedom from life - the greatest prison of all? Q: Wow... you've *HRAAACK* totally blown my mind - and my lung and ribcage and my kneecaps! A: Oh, don't thank us - it's all part of being tortured to death in an American military prison! Labels: shmorture
posted by the Medium Lobster at 4:16 PM
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