Friday, December 16, 2005

In a surprising turnaround not at all brought about by the fact that it was going to be banned anyway, the Bush administration would like to announce that torture is no longer a critical and necessary tool in the war on terror used to prevent thousands of ticking time bombs from destroying the very fabric of the Republic. Instead, it is evil and wrong, and by banning it the president shows that he proudly stands on the moral high ground of a man who has banned torture only after being publicly shamed into doing so. Curiously enough, while torture will now be barred from American prisons, information obtained through torture will now be admissable at military tribunals. How would the United States even come into possession of such evidence now that the vigilant guardians of justice in the Pentagon have managed to prevent their soldiers from ever carrying it out? Perhaps it will be the whimsical work of the Torture Fairy, flitting from cell to cell with an unmuzzled dog. Perhaps gangs of amiable, roughhousing leprechauns will pop up from time to time to merrily extract confessions with a waterboarding or two. Perhaps the next several hundred prisoners found with bruises, burns, and broken bones will have all injured themselves in increasingly frantic attempts to secure seconds of delicious rice pilaf. Rest assured, from this day forth, the detainees tortured in American military prisons will only be tortured by accident or happenstance, or by dozens of rogue soldiers acting in simultaneously and of their own accord.


posted by the Medium Lobster at 7:39 AM



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