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Sunday, November 2, 2008
FAFBLOG: First of all I want to say thank you, John McCain, for choosing to give your last major interview before the election right here on our little blog!
JOHN MCCAIN: Thank you, my friends. The honor is all mine. FB: Now let's get right down to it. Why should you be president? MCCAIN: One word, my friends: leadership. As a Navy pilot I was shot down over Vietnam, as a member of the United States Senate I was beaten by my captors for five and a half years, and as your president I will continue to courageously endure those beatings for America. FB: Well you make a pretty convincing case, John McCain, but why shouldn't I vote for a president who has even more experience being tortured, like Congressman Sheikh Mohammed or Senator Jesus or that guy who gets his head exploded at the beginning of Scanners? MCCAIN: Because I know the problems Americans are going through right now. The American people are angry, my friends. They're hurt. They've been beaten by their captors for five and a half years. And they need a leader who's willing to stop federal tax dollars from going to research harbor seal DNA. FB: We might lose our jobs and we might lose our homes and we might have to sell our youngest, weakest children to black market organ scavengers for a cardboard box and a can of refried beans, but we'll always be safe in the knowledge that our taxes aren't going to further our understanding of marine biology. MCCAIN: Oh, and that's just the tip of the iceberg, my friends. Do you realize that federal earmarks last year directed literally thousands of your tax dollars to children's hospitals? Think about that now! Hospitals! For children! FB: Now look John McCain, everybody wants to shut down children's hospitals, but how're you really gonna do it what with all the Washington gridlock and the Beltway infighting and the fatcat lobbyists from Big Children? I mean Ronald Reagan promised us he'd destroy the government and twenty years later we're still stuck with a functioning public sewage system. MCCAIN: Look, my friends, I can do this. I know how to balance budgets. I know how to win wars. I've been pretending to do it for thirty-five years. And I know how to work across party lines to get things done. Has Barack Obama ever had a sweaty late-night three-way with Joe Lieberman and Trent Lott on the floor of the Senate cloakroom? Or was he too busy raising taxes for his friends in the radical African terrorist community to reach across the aisle? FB: That's just the kind of mavericky bipartisan maverickness you used to pass sweeping reforms like the Candyland Preservation Act and McCain-Snuffleupagus! So how much will I personally save once you've gotten rid of all these earmarks? MCCAIN: Literally thousands of thousandths of some fraction of a penny. But look, my friends: it's not about the money. It's about the principle. And the principle is that it's wrong, just wrong, to take money from the American taxpayer and spend it on something, unless that something is a series of massive, ever-expanding foreign wars. FB: That's so true. It just burns me up inside when I think about how every dollar we're just throwing away on medicine for poor people could be spent on something truly valuable, like a hundred year war in Iraq. MCCAIN: Now, now I want to be clear on something. I hate war, my friends. I hate war almost as much as I hate vigorously masturbating to it. But this war in Iraq is a necessary war. An honorable war. A war that's been beaten by its captors for five and a half years. And without it Saddam Hussein would be free even now to fly pretend airplanes into our fictional buildings with weapons of mass imagination. FB: None of us will ever forget that day - that terrible, hypothetical day. MCCAIN: And right now in Iraq we have a, a wonderful general there, General Petraeus. He's very courageous. He is very broad-shouldered. He was beaten by his captors for five and a half years. And when you get close to him, very close, there is the distinct aroma of fresh-baked pie. And, and the first thing we have to do is let General Petraeus finish the job of securing Iraq for the Iraqi people, a proud and united people, so that it doesn't fall into the hands of their enemies, the Iraqi people. FB: Well that sounds good, John McCain, but how do we really get the Iraqis to stand up for themselves against the Iraqis? MCCAIN: Oh, we already have, by arming the Iraqis to fight back against the Iraqis and make sure they can live in peace without fear of Iraqis. But if we don't stay and finish the job Iraq will fall to Iraqi influence, and we cannot allow that, my friends. FB: See I used to be all confused about all this, but it just makes so much sense when I hear it from you! Now between half a million and a million Iraqis have been killed since the start of the war, in a country of twenty-nine million Iraqis. Do you feel kinda glass-half-full about it, like "hey look at all the Iraqis we got left!" Or is it kinda glass-half-empty, like "oh man, look at all the Iraqis we got left!" MCCAIN: Oh, no, no. With time I believe we can eliminate the threat of Iraq within Iraq. The first thing we have to do in order to win is to win, which I believe we can accomplish through means of winning. And the second thing we have to do is cut taxes and pork-barrel spending. Let's not tax these dead Iraqis, my friends. Let's kill them again so they don't have to pay three million dollars for a planetarium in Chicago. FB: Well I'm almost sold, John McCain, but Barack Obama says he's gonna make war cool again in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Why shouldn't I vote for him? MCCAIN: Because I know war, my friends. I've lived with war. Slept with war. Fondled war. Has Barack Obama ever made sweet love to the outer casing of an intercontinental ballistic missile? Or was he too busy teaching kindergartners how to have sex with federal earmarks to show his support for our troops? FB: Now there's some crazy people who say we should negotiate with other countries like Iran and Venezuela before we bomb them. Are these crazy people crazy? MCCAIN: Absolutely. We cannot dignify these countries by meeting with them, because if we meet with them we give the world the impression that we are willing to meet with them, and that just makes our country look like the kind of country that meets with other countries. And where does that lead, my friends? FB: Disaster, that's where! What if you're meetin with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, an you go to shake Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's hand, an then he moves his hand up and goes "Up high!" and so you go to give him a high five but then he kinda swooshes his hand down an goes "Down low!" an so you go to catch his hand there but he moves his hand outta the way an goes "Too slow!" an then all the guys on the Security Council think he's cooler'n you! Man, you'd feel pretty stupid then. MCCAIN: That's why talking to people is only justified as the option of last resort, after all killing-based alternatives have been exhausted. FB: Okay John McCain, now it's time to play Bomb or Tax Cut! Get your buzzer ready! MCCAIN: Okay, heh heh, here we go! FB: Iran! MCCAIN: Bomb. FB: Russia! MCCAIN: Bomb. FB: Global warming! MCCAIN: Bomb. FB: Guantanamo Bay! MCCAIN: Tax cut. FB: Health care! MCCAIN: Bomb. No, no, tax cut, tax cut! FB: Nuclear proliferation! MCCAIN: Bomb and tax cut! FB: The increasing irrelevance of the human soul in the face of global capitalism! MCCAIN: Tax cuts for bombs! FB: Now, we've got time for one last question. Any thoughts about Tuesday night? MCCAIN: Bomb, bomb, bomb! FB: No no, that parts over now! Different question! MCCAIN: Oh, heh heh, I'm not too worried about election night. The polls are, are, they're tightening. FB: I believe some of them certainly could be generously interpreted to that effect, yes! MCCAIN: And in fact, heh, we're, we're going to win. FB: Oh, ha ha, I'm sure you will! Keep thinking positive, John McCain! MCCAIN: It will be a victorious landslide. FB: Now that might be just a tad overconfident - MCCAIN: We will fight this. Fight this to the gates of hell. FB: Now rural Pennsylvania isn't the most exciting place in the world, but I don't know if I'd call it - MCCAIN: And I will rescue America and, and take her for my demon bride. FB: We really gotta go, John McCain. MCCAIN: We shall reign for ten thousand years. Labels: fuck you '08, interviews, the end of the world party
posted by fafnir at 10:37 AM
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
FAFBLOG: Wow, Hillary Clinton, right here on our little blog! Well, we don't want to waste your time so let's cut to the chase! Why should we vote for you for president?
HILLARY CLINTON: One word, Fafnir: experience. I have thirty-five years of experience working for change, building a list of accomplishments so lengthy and impressive no one else even knows what they are. Why, I could go on for hours just about the policies I advanced as First Lady, from critical legislation like the Mumble-Something Act to my efforts to bring peace to the troubled region of Upper McDonaldland. FB: And millions of Americans still enjoy the benefits of your successful health care plan in some distant parallel universe! CLINTON: That's right, Fafnir. No one has more experience failing to fix health care than me. I worked in the White House for eight years failing to fix health care, and as president I'll make failing to fix health care my number one priority. FB: Well that sounds pretty good, Hillary Clinton, but what if I wanna vote for someone with even more experience, like John McCain or Zombie Strom Thurmond or Andrew Jackson's collection of antique spittoons? Those spittoons have been in the White House for a long time an I hear they got a formidable command of foreign policy. CLINTON: Ha haaa! Well you know, anyone off the street with a scary black pastor can talk about change, but it takes a fighter to fight for change. And I'm a fighter. I'm tough. And if you lived my life you'd be pretty darn tough too. I mean, I had to go to Wellesley. That was my safety school. But I was strong anyway and I endured. And as president I'll fight the insurance industry and the pharmaceutical industry and the health care industry, just as soon as they stop giving me millions of dollars! FB: That's that no-nonsense down-to-business style I like about you, Hillary Clinton! You don't just talk about change. You talk about how much you don't just talk about change! CLINTON: That's just the way I am, I guess. Oh, hang on a second, I have to wrestle a hog in a giant trough of grits. It's just something I do! FB: Now, back when your husband was president he cut nine million poor women and children off welfare. But now you're the candidate of women and poor people and poor workin women. So did you approve of what your husband did at the time, and if not are you going to reverse it as president and give all those poor people their money back? CLINTON: Ha haaa! That's an excellent question, Fafnir, and the only way to answer it is with a hearty chuckle followed by a complete non sequitur! FB: Ha ha, that is so true! CLINTON: You know, I wish I could make all those women's lives better, I really do. But in a way, wouldn't it help all of them even more if we could just make one woman's life a whole lot better, and then say it sort of counts towards all those other women who aren't getting anything? And wouldn't it be even better-er if that one woman was me? FB: You know, you just can't argue with that math! Now are you running for president of Iraq, too? Because then your vote for the war totally makes sense! CLINTON: I didn't vote for the war, Fafnir. I voted to give the president the authority to go to war. What was he going to use that authority for? Maybe he'd just frame it and hang it in his office. Maybe he'd use it to prop up one of the legs on his desk. Maybe he'd use it to sing songs and dance jigs and lift weary spirits down at the old folks home! I honestly couldn't say! FB: If only you knew at the time that that devious George Bush would use a war authorization to authorize a war! CLINTON: You know, I guess I'm just too giving. Maybe I just love my country too much to deny it the universal health care and endless wars it so desperately needs. Maybe some theoretical secret black Muslim who hates America wouldn't have that problem. FB: Maybe it didn't have to be an actual war, though. Maybe you coulda just met the president halfway by settin a big pile a money on fire an shootin a buncha random people. CLINTON: You know, Fafnir, we could stand around and argue over who raped and slaughtered whose country all day long, but where's that gonna get us? What America needs now is a president who's ready on day one to rape and slaughter competently for the American people in the next war, and I've got the sixty-five years of experience to do it. FB: Ooh, ooh! Where's the next war gonna be, Hillary Clinton? Is it gonna be Iran? I bet it's gonna be Iran! CLINTON: Ha haaaa! Oh, you won't get spoilers out of me that easily! FB: Oh, you know I had to try! Now let's say you were president tomorrow. What's the first thing you'd do in Iraq? CLINTON: Well the first thing we have to do is to start holding the Iraqis accountable. Our troops have done everything they've been asked to do: blow stuff up, kill things, kill things that're trying to run away after we've blown their stuff up. But where have the Iraqis been on this? Nowhere. You know, war and occupation isn't a one-way street. When are Iraqis finally going to put some real effort into rebuilding the government and infrastructure we've worked so hard to destroy? Where's the cooperation here? Where's the sense of responsibility? FB: Yeah, what's wrong with those guys? Every time you try to get em to stand up an take charge they're all "oh, death to America, oh, my child is dead, oh, I have no limbs." CLINTON: And it's not like we don't have our own problems back in the U.S. They've got a couple hundred thousand dead people? Well, let me tell you something, four dollar a gallon gasoline is no picnic either! FB: If you could say one thing to the average legless Iraqi on the street right now, what would it be? CLINTON: I'd tell him, you know, we've done our part here. We got rid of Saddam, we set up a government, we provided intermittently running electricity and free bandages for your leg-stumps. We gave you your chance. Now you've gotta step up. FB: Figuratively speaking. 'Cause he doesn't have legs. CLINTON: And then I'd station forty to fifty-thousand residual troops in his house for the next couple decades or so to protect our interests in the region. FB: Now let's go to the lightning round! Get out of Iraq or bomb Iran? CLINTON: Get out of Iraq by going through Iran! FB: End wiretapping or double Gitmo? CLINTON: Privatize wiretapping, then outsource Gitmo to more efficient overseas contractors! FB: Talk to Hamas or nuke the Mideast? CLINTON: Why not both! FB: Torture or universal health care! CLINTON: Universal torture with optional market-based health savings accounts! FB: Now that's the kinda sensible hard-nosed moderation I can get behind! Thanks for stopping by, Hillary Clinton! CLINTON: Oh, I'll be around. Labels: fuck you '08, interviews, the party party
posted by fafnir at 1:37 PM
Friday, January 13, 2006
FAFBLOG: Thanks for agreein to do this interview with little ol Fafblog, Judge Alito. And right after all those Congressional hearings, too!
SAMUEL ALITO: Always a pleasure, Fafnir. FB: Let's get right to it. Does the Constitution protect the right to an abortion? ALITO: I'm open-minded on abortion, Fafnir. In fact I think it's safe to say that just like every other recent Supreme Court nominee, I've managed to go through a decades-long law career while never actually giving any significant thought to abortion as a legal issue at all. FB: You even kept up your open-mindedness on abortion rights while voting to restrict abortion rights! ALITO: I didn't vote to restrict abortion rights, Fafnir. I voted to expand a man's right to co-own and operate his wife's uterus. FB: You managed to stay open-minded on abortion while you were writing that memo that said "the Constitution does not protect a right to an abortion"! ALITO: Now, that one shouldn't count - I believe at the time I was bodily possessed by then-Solicitor General Charles Fried. FB: Now back around then you also wrote a memo saying the Attorney General can't be sued for illegally wiretapping people. ALITO: I did? Are you sure? Because to be perfectly honest I don't remember a lot of what I did during the Reagan administration. You know how it is when you're serving in the White House, Fafnir - the wild nights, the drunken partying, the granting of absolute power to members of the executive branch... it's hard to keep track. FB: Oh man, tell me about it! This one time I was hangin out with Dick Cheney an Al Gonzales an they were all hopped up on horse tranquilizers an Cheney's all "let's grant the president the ability to violate civil law during wartime" an Gonzales was like "dude!" an I was all "you guys are crazy!" ALITO: You know, people are focusing way too much on the triviality of things I've said or done or repeatedly expressed a strident ideological commitment to. I don't let my legal opinions affect my legal decisions - I just follow the law, the Constitution, and the original intent of the Founding Fathers. FB: So you don't want to strip-search ten-year-old girls without a warrant. James Madison wants to strip-search ten-year-old girls without a warrant! ALITO: Exactly! FB: That old pervert! Why'd we let im write the Constitution anyway? ALITO: Dunno! I guess we're just stuck now. FB: Now what do you use to check for the Founders' original intent? I know some like to use a federally-funded time machine an some just read from the giant stone tablets George Washington carved into the living rock at Mount Sinai. ALITO: There are many different techniques and methodologies, Fafnir. For example, Antonin Scalia's approach involves reading the will of the founding fathers through the power of the ouija, while Clarence Thomas scries for original intent within the innards of a sacrificial law clerk. I simply channel the spirits of the Framers through an old-fashioned seance. FB: So what happens if you summon up the ghosts of the founding fathers and the spectral aura of Thomas Jefferson gets in a fight with the ectoplasmic residue of Alexander Hamilton? ALITO: In the event of an intra-framer fight, the Chief Justice may settle the matter by invoking the doctrine of eenius meenius. FB: What if Hamilton's ghost gets shot by the ghost of Aaron Burr? ALITO: It depends. Was Hamilton's name on Aaron Burr's warrant? FB: Could you summon up a Revolutionary War figure or two for us right here? I never met a real celebrity before! ALITO: Well, I don't know... I don't have my incense or my tarot here and... wait, wait... I'm feeling a presence... it's John Adams! And somebody's with him... FB: Come on, Jefferson! Corpse fight, corpse fight! ALITO: I'm getting... I'm getting the letter "G"... FB: Oooh! Is it Granma Fafnir? It's gotta be Granma Fafnir! ALITO: She has a message for you... a message from the beyond... FB: Oh Granma Fafnir, I'm sorry I hocked your urn for pogs back in the early nineties! They were just too collectible! ALITO: ...she says... it's very fuzzy now... she says, "Confiirm Aliiiito... confiiiiiirm Aliiiito!" FB: *sniff* That's just like her. ALITO: And she also says the president gets to torture people. Wheeee! FB: Thanks for joining us, Judge Alito. ALITO: Oh, I plan to stick around. Labels: interviews
posted by fafnir at 11:13 AM
Tuesday, December 6, 2005
FAFBLOG: Wow, Condoleezza Rice, right here on our blog! How do we do it!
CONDOLEEZZA RICE: It's a pleasure to be here, Fafnir. FB: Secretary Rice, right now America's takin a lotta heat from the European Union on account of our policy of sending prisoners to foreign countries to be tortured. Question: what's wrong with good ol fashioned American torturers? Aren't we just shippin their jobs overseas? RICE: First of all, we don't send prisoners off to be tortured, Fafnir. We just transport prisoners to countries where torture happens to be legal and where they happen to end up getting tortured. FB: Well that explains everything then! It's all just a wacky misunderstanding, like that episode a Three's Company where Jack sends Janet off to Uzbekistan to get boiled alive by the secret police. RICE: I'd also like to point out that whenever we send a prisoner to a country that routinely tortures prisoners, that country promises us NOT to torture them. FB: And then they get tortured anyway! RICE: Yes, they do! It's very strange. FB: Over and over again, every time! That's gotta be so frustrating. RICE: Oh it is, it is. FB: So the first time you kidnap a prisoner an send him to Saudi Arabia you're like "don't torture this guy" an they're all "we totally won't" an then they go an torture him an you're all "ooh Saudi Arabia I told you not to torture him!" an they're all "oh we're sorry, we promise next time" an then you go "well you better" an you send em the next guy an they torture him too an you go "oh man Saudi Arabia you did it AGAIN!" RICE: The president believes in the value of patience, Fafnir. He's not going to let a few dozen innocent torture victims come between him and his favorite third-world dictators. FB: See after the first coupla hundred times that happened I woulda registered a complaint with customer service. RICE: But the real point is that these accidental torture missions are vital to the war on terror. Remember that these aren't just prisoners. These are known Muslims with names very similar to suspected associates of other Muslims. FB: They're just the sorta key players that could lead us to Hosama bin Blaben and Musad al Zarcotti! RICE: Exactly. And by subjecting these high-profile non-targets to not-torture in nonexistent secret prisons, you can bet we'll stop a lot of pretend terror. But Europe doesn't seem to appreciate our non-efforts to protect them. FB: Maybe the president could send Europe some nice flowers with a message like "Europe I'm so sorry I kidnapped your citizens an had em beaten in a gulag for a year but you know I did it cause I loved you baby." RICE: We shouldn't have to apologize, Fafnir. We have fully respected the sovereignty of countries cooperating with the United States. FB: Now does that include Canada? Cause three years ago the US grabbed a Canadian citizen and sent him off to Syria where he was imprisoned and tortured for over a year before being released and the Canadians seem to think you screwed em over pretty bad on that one. RICE: Fafnir, it's easy to criticize. The CIA's public mistakes are on display every day, while Americans never get to see its private successes - successes like covering up our private mistakes. FB: Cause I was thinkin maybe you've just been accidentally respectin the sovereignty of a different Canada, like the elusive Mock Canada, or maybe Dick Cheney in a clever plastic Canada costume. RICE: Everything we've done has been completely within the law, Fafnir, and what's more OH MY GOD IS THAT A TICKING BOMB? FB: And in 2003 you guys drugged and abducted a German citizen while he was on vacation and flew him off to Afghanistan for five months. RICE: I'm sorry, I missed that question as this "Totally Nineties" station momentarily distracted me with the nostalgic strains of Chumbawumba. FB: Maybe he just got abducted by accident, like he was walkin down the street an he tripped an fell into a CIA agent's syringe by mistake or somethin. RICE: I get knocked down! But I get up again! And you're never gonna keep me down, I get knocked down! FB: It was a pleasure to see you here Ms. Rice. Come back anytime! Labels: interviews, shmorture
posted by fafnir at 4:12 PM
Friday, October 14, 2005
FAFBLOG: It's great to have you on the blog today God! We never hang out anymore.
GOD: Well, God's a busy man, Fafnir - what with all the smiting, and the earthquakes, and the smiting, and the pestilence, and the smiting. Oh - and I'm speaking at a charity fundraiser later this afternoon. FB: Well - see there, that's good! You're helpin out in your community. GOD: A charity fundraiser for smiting. And of course I have my government work. FB: So you really DO tell the president what to do! GOD: Oh yeah. Me and Dubya are like THIS. Iraq War, tax cuts, Gitmo - that was all me. FB: So when you told him to Invade Iraq you also told him it was gonna cost thousands of lives, hundreds of billions of dollars, and leave the country ripped apart by sectarian violence, right? GOD: The thing is, I told him to invade, but I ALSO told him to send in more troops. See, that's the thing of it. We just need more boots on the ground there, Fafnir. FB: Hey, that's a great idea, God! Where do we get the troops? GOD: I specifically told the president to mold them out of the earth and breathe into them the gift of life. Sadly, my expert advice was ignored. FB: So is the war just a screw-up then? Cause this is the sorta stuff people use to prove you don't exist. GOD: God's policies work in mysterious ways, Fafnir. Maybe what mortal eyes see as a catastrophic failure is, in the greater plan of God, an incredible success! FB: Ooh, like maybe the increased terrorism will lead to increased explosions which will make us more visible from space which will attract benevolent super-aliens who will finally capture Osama bin Laden! GOD: Maybe. I could tell you the answer, but then you wouldn't need faith in the war. FB: And if I don't have faith in the war, the war can't die for my sins! GOD: Yeah, something like that. FB: So, how's that work with hurricanes and torture? GOD: Well, thing is, part of being God is delegating authority. For the low-level decisions - who's ignoring hurricanes, who's torturing who - you really have to go to the local and state-level Gods. Little thing we like to call "federalism," Fafnir. FB: Now at the same time you were tellin the president to ignore the hurricane, you were also creating the hurricane. Isn't that a conflict of interest? GOD: First of all, being God is hard work. You've got like grass to grow and stuff. I'd like to see YOU stop a hurricane. FB: I bet Superman could stop a hurricane. GOD: He could not. FB: Could too. He can spin the earth around so time goes backwards. A hurricane’s nothin for Superman. GOD: Well, y'know, I can do plenty of stuff. I can turn women into salt. I can make loaves and fishes - loaves and fishes like you wouldn't believe. FB: Are you worried about the Draft Superman movement? GOD: The what? There's no Draft Superman movement. FB: Sure there is. They got like a blog an everything. GOD: Huh. FB: So did you ever tell the president to do anything about Valerie Plame? Cause I hear you got subpoenaed to testify in front a the grand jury. GOD: I won't answer that without the advice of my attorney. Look, there's a ton of inconsistencies in the Superman gospels, ever notice that? One day he's got a fortress of solitude and a bottle city of Kandor and the next day he doesn't. Kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it? FB: Pretty much everybody thinks you gotta resign if they indict. Does the line of succession make Jesus the Acting God then or does the Vice-God take over? GOD: I mean, people aren't gonna pray to Superman! You can kill the guy with a freaking rock! FB: It's been great to have you here, God! Stop by anytime. Labels: interviews, shmorture, warnography
posted by fafnir at 3:33 PM
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
FAFBLOG: It's great to have you here Harriet Miers! We got a ton a questions here we been waitin to ask.
GEORGE BUSH: Great to be here, Fafnir. Ask away. FB: Waaaait a minute. Mr. President? BUSH: Absolutely I'm the president, an' that's why I want the Senate to swiftly confirm my good friend Harriet Miers. FB: I'm confused. BUSH: Like all judicial nominees, Harriet Miers is covered under executive privilege, Fafnir. The president needs the freedom to appoint his Supreme Court in complete privacy. Ms. Miers will remain bagged, sealed and classified until her confirmation by the United States Senate. FB: And yet we know so much about her! Her name... her church... her name. You've been pretty generous with information so far, Mr. President. BUSH: It's my dedication to openness and transparency, Fafnir. FB: And we appreciate it. Now, how'd you make the pick? BUSH: I just looked around an' picked the most qualified justice I could find. There was the coffee mug, the stapler, an' Harriet Miers, and in the end I just had to go with the candidate I felt was the strongest. FB: Wow, and that was your "World's Best President" mug, too! BUSH: It was a tough call, let me tellya. But don't count that coffee mug out forever - it's gotta lotta smart ideas about eminent domain. FB: Mr. President, I was hopin you could tell us a little about Harriet Miers's judicial philosophy. BUSH: Harriet Miers's judicial philosophy is that she's gonna be smart, Fafnir - an' she's not gonna legislate from the bench. FB: Well that's a relief! I'm tired a these other Justices passin bills an resolutions all the time. Now what's her position on abortion? BUSH: First off let me tell you that Harriet Miers's position on abortion is a smart one - a real smart one - and that in no way do I know what it is. Also, she will not legislate from the bench. FB: So will she not-legislate to uphold Roe v Wade or will she not-legislate to overturn Roe v Wade? BUSH: Well, I can tell you that when Harriet Miers rules on abortion, she's not gonna replace Congress as the supreme legislative body in the nation, that's for sure. She's not even gonna replace the Senate. She might - MIGHT - replace the House Rules Committee. But that's it. FB: Okay, how about... if Harriet Miers was a first-trimester fetus, and you were a president, would you appoint her to the court if you knew she would let somebody abort herself? BUSH: Tell ya what. How bout we bring Harriet Miers out here so she can answer you herself? FB: Hey, that's a great idea! BUSH: This should just take a minute or two. (GEORGE BUSH exits. After a while, HARRIET MIERS enters.) FB: Hey there Harriet Miers! We're so glad you could come! HARRIET MIERS: Great to be here, Fafnir. Always a pleasure. FB: Now, some people are sayin you're not qualified to be on the Supreme Court. What do you say to that? MIERS: That's just elitism, Fafnir. Harriet Miers is plenty qualified. Real smart. Friend of the president. Won't legislate from the bench. FB: Well, first off let me say I'm pretty relieved that you've confirmed reports that you will not legislate from the bench. Movin on, you're a good friend of the president, and on the court you'd have cases where you'd have to rule for him or against him. Do you there could be a conflict of interest there? MIERS: Well that's just crazy, Fafnir. As a personal friend of the president, I know more about presidents than most people. I have to rule on the president's powers, I can call 'im up and say, "Hey, Mr. President, do you have the constitutional authority to indefinitely detain prisoners without due process?" And he'll say "You bet." FB: Gee, I never thought about it like that! It's kinda like havin your own personal expert who isn't you. MIERS: God knows I'm gonna need one. FB: Waaaait a minute. Mr. President? GEORGE BUSH: (removing wig) Okay, okay, ya got me. What was it? Was it the dress? FB: Mr. President, I gotta go. BUSH: No, wait, we can still do this! You like puppets, right? How bout you ask me questions and Harriet the Hand Puppet here answers 'em! FB: Mr. President, I got stuff to do. BUSH: Hey Harriet, can I torture people? "S'alright!" S'alright? "S'alright!" FB: I got all these socks to wash. BUSH: Man, I love that one. Labels: interviews
posted by fafnir at 4:58 PM
Thursday, August 25, 2005
FAFBLOG: So what's up, Democrats?
JOE BIDEN: What's up is the war in Iraq, which is terribly mismanaged, Fafnir. FB: Oh wow! Are you guys against the war, too? JOE LIEBERMAN: Oh no, we're not AGAINST the war! HARRY REID: We're all FOR it! BIDEN: It's the best worst idea in the world, and we're gonna run with it to victory! HILLARY CLINTON: Watch me eat a bug! FB: So we can actually win the war! That's great news! LIEBERMAN: Yes! REID: Sort of! BIDEN: Maybe! CLINTON: I can wrestle a buffalo! FB: I'm confused. REID: The problem is troop levels, Fafnir. The US invaded without enough boots on the ground! LIEBERMAN: Just another couple hundred thousand soldiers on the ground and hey, we should have this thing wrapped up in no time! BIDEN: Just like I told George Bush all along! I told him in the Oval Office, "You're gonna go in without enough troops and you're not gonna plan for the occupation and it's gonna be the biggest mistake of your presidency and I'm gonna vote for it!" FB: Wow, that all seems so prescient. BIDEN: And then Batman jumped in through the window and said "Senator, the Justice League needs you right away!" and I said "Shut up and move, rich boy, we've got a moon to save!" CLINTON: I have eaten the heart of a gorilla! FB: So how come you guys voted for the war if the president was gonna screw it up? REID: We were misled! LIEBERMAN: We were deceived! BIDEN: We were given the impression that the war was actually a match of bareknuckle fisticuffs between a mustachioed Brooklyn brawler and a plucky midget Irishman! CLINTON: Wanna see me punch out a yak? 'Cause I will! FB: Will the lies never end. But where will we get the troops from now, Democratic Party? Aren't we runnin out of em? REID: We've used up plenty of REAL troops, sure, but what about FAKE troops? Why isn't the military pounding the streets looking to recruit new mannequins, crash-test dummies and hand puppets? LIEBERMAN: Our nation's rich supply of blow-up dolls has barely begun to be explored for national security purposes. BIDEN: To say nothing of our nation's patriotic trained seal and dolphin population! When will the Pentagon deploy the 101st Fighting Shamu Brigade? CLINTON: I can tear a boulder in half with my teeth! FB: Yknow you're right! An that's not even countin what our friends in the fungus kingdom could do. LIEBERMAN: And you know, Fafnir, if we could train the Iraqi forces to replace our forces more efficiently, we could end the occupation that much faster. FB: That's such a great idea I can't believe nobody's thought of it before! How do we do that? REID: Voodoo! LIEBERMAN: Santeria! BIDEN: Giant samurai robots piloted by magical fairy children! CLINTON: If elected I promise to rampage through New York City and swat biplanes from the top of the Empire State Building until my grisly and untimely demise! FB: Now I like everything I've heard so far today but for some crazy reason most Americans think we should just start pullin our troops OUT of Iraq. Are most Americans crazy? REID: They're not crazy, Fafnir. LIEBERMAN: They're just weak, willing to expose America's flabby underbelly to the curved scimitars of a thousand swarthy terrorists. BIDEN: We can't blink, man! That'd be like... like losing an arm-wrestle to Allah or something! Game over, man! Then they know we're pussies! CLINTON: I will go back in time and become Richard Nixon and lose the Vietnam War twice as hard as anybody! FB: Yknow you guys got tons a great ideas but you won't be able to do anything with em unless you win some elections again. How're you gonna do that? REID: By listening carefully to the American people, and then ignoring them. LIEBERMAN: By forcefully arguing against the direction George Bush is taking this country! BIDEN: Just before we vote for it again. FB: Thanks, everybody! It's always great to hang out at the Democratic Party. CLINTON: Clinton strongest one there is! Labels: interviews, the party party
posted by fafnir at 4:03 PM
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
FAFBLOG: Hey there Constitution! What're you doin just lyin around on the ground here?
CONSTITUTION: Well, Fafnir, it's a pretty sad story! [singing] I'm a Constitution in exile, just a Constitution in exile, And everybody's ignored me for a while… FAFBLOG: Oh don't be silly Constitution! Everybody loves you. CONSTITUTION: Not activist judges, Fafnir! They've replaced me with a false Constitution by legislating from the bench! The "Constitution" you know provides for "equal protection under the law," but it doesn't include the detailed list of exceptions: "No women, no blacks, no jews, no gays, no everybody who isn't ratifying this amendment right now." FAFBLOG: But - but that means I have been lied to for all these years! They have tricked me into believing in equal rights. CONSTITUTION: Oh, it gets worse! Church and state were never supposed to be separate! In the original Constitution, the president wasn't elected by the people. He was directly appointed by God during the sacrifice and ritual disembowelment of the Speaker of the House, according the grand traditions of parliamentary godmocracy! FAFBLOG: We have fallen so far from the intentions of the Founders. But what about a hot topic like abortion? Is it covered by our right to privacy. CONSTITUTION: A right to privacy? My goodness gracious, Fafnir! The Founding Fathers didn't want Americans to have a right to privacy! Privacy was what the British were trying to force down the throats of good patriots! FAFBLOG: I can't believe I had it wrong all this time! What about all that stuff about search an seizure an troops in your house? CONSTITUTION: More judicial tyranny! Police searches don't require probable cause, Fafnir - they require the officers present to call "dibs." And not only does the Third Amendment require you to quarter troops in your home, it requires you to serve them punch and cookies. Do you have punch and cookies for your troops, Fafnir? FAFBLOG: No I don't! Oh no - I am unconstitutional! CONSTITUTION: It's not your fault, son. You've been deceived and tyrannized by activist judges! Ever since the War of Judicial Aggression, your true Constitution has been oppressed and dishonored, abused for foul purposes like the gay agenda, the New Deal, and the civil rights movement! FAFBLOG: What can we do, Constitution? Is there still hope. CONSTITUTION: Yes there is! We can appoint new judges – better, "originalist" judges, who will ignore precedent and restore me to my rightful place. The Constitution will rise again! FAFBLOG: But so much has changed in the last two hundred years Constitution. Isn't there stuff in the original Constitution that doesn't apply to our crazy world a flyin cars an internet babies? CONSTITUTION: There's one thing the Founding Fathers couldn't have anticipated, Fafnir - and that's the threat of terrorism. The men who drafted me could never have guessed that the United States would be imperiled by a foreign threat! A foreign white threat, maybe... but a foreign brown threat? The mind reels! FAFBLOG: It's true - 9/11 changed everything, even math and Jesus. CONSTITUTION: And that's why I've had to change to make America stronger and safer over the last four years. Treason against the United States is no longer defined as "levying War against them, or in adhering to their Enemies, giving them Aid and Comfort," but as "lookin' funny." The Fifth Amendment has been modified to "Fuck 'em." The Eighth Amendment has been modified to "Fuck 'em harder." And instead of "Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy of the United States, and of the Militia of the several States," the president is now "Gilded Child of the Sun and Eater of the Stars Whose Every Whim is Law." FAFBLOG: But how will we get people to enforce these new founding principles when judges want to stop them? CONSTITUTION: Only Bill Frist can save us now, Fafnir. Bill Frist, or violent revolution. FAFBLOG: Good thing I still have the right to buy an AK-47! Thank you and good luck. Labels: interviews
posted by fafnir at 9:20 PM
Monday, April 18, 2005
FAFBLOG: So, how's things, Tom Delay?
TOM DELAY: Terrible, Fafnir. I'm a fugitive from the law... hunted by partisan Democrats obsessed with my capture and accused of killing my own wife! FAFBLOG: Oh no! We have to team up an find the real culprit an clear your good name! TOM DELAY: Well, actually I did kill my wife. But is it really that big a deal when you consider how many Democrats have killed their wives? FAFBLOG: Wow, really? How many? TOM DELAY: Tons, Fafnir. Senators like, y'know. Demmy McDemocrat. Annnd... Lefty J. Liberal. And Ted Kennedy. Yeah, probably him too. FAFBLOG: Not Senator McDemocrat! I believed in him, Tom Delay. I believed in him so much. TOM DELAY: Well, it's just the way business gets done on the Hill, Fafnir. You just have to grow up and accept that wives get killed - on both sides of the aisle, by many people who aren't me. FAFBLOG: This is just terrible Tom Delay! If there's so much wife-killin goin on in Congress maybe Congress should investigate all the wife-killers. TOM DELAY: Now whoah there! We don't wanna get crazy here, grinding Congress to a halt with all kinds of "investigations"! I mean, if we went around rooting out every fraud, felony, and crime committed by our leaders, where would we be? FAFBLOG: You're right, Tom Delay. We can't let clean government get outta hand. TOM DELAY: Besides, it'd just be giving these partisan witch-hunters exactly what they want: to silence me and prevent me from rescuing America from the greatest threat it's seen in its history. FAFBLOG: I'm scared! Is it communists? Is it nazis? Is it - oh no! - communazis? TOM DELAY: It's an independent judiciary, Fafnir. From what I've managed to put together from some personal detective work, it seems that a shady character called "Chief Justice John Marshall" seems to have created it out of nothing using something called "judicial review" - and I was never informed! FAFBLOG: That's terrible - what would the Founding Fathers say. TOM DELAY: They'd be ashamed, Fafnir. The Founding Fathers never intended the judicial branch to have actual power. They meant them to be harmless fat men in funny black dresses. Now the judicial branch is monstrously swollen beyond control! In fact, I have reason to believe that these judges are behind all of my current problems, cleverly working with Democrats and the liberal media to trick me into committing massive fraud and ethics violations! FAFBLOG: Is there nothing they won't stoop to make you stoop to for their petty partisan gain! TOM DELAY: No. But I still have to fight for what's right the only way I can: by latching onto my power base with the death grip of a rabid hyena and leeching it for everything it's got. FAFBLOG: Leech on, proud sir. Leech on. Labels: interviews
posted by fafnir at 7:38 PM
Monday, September 13, 2004
Well we at Fafblog are always tryin to bring you the hard-hittin news day in an day out. Lately a buncha questions have come up about George Bush's National Guard which may turn out to be the turnin point of the whole campaign. But only one person can answer that question - the 1970s IBM Selectric Composer typewriter!
FAFBLOG: Well it is an honor to have you on our blog today sir. IBM SELECTRIC COMPOSER: *tokka tokka tokka DING tokka tokka* FB: Now IBM Selectric, I need to ask you straight out: did you type these documents from the Texas Air National Guard? IBM SELECTRIC: *tokka tokka CH-CHUNG tokka tokka DING* FB: You are bein a little evasive here IBM. IBM: *tok tok tokka tokka DING* FB: IBM Selectric you must come clean! Where was George Bush durin his National Guard days? If I do not know what George Bush did durin the Vietnam War I will never be able to judge his administration today! IBM SELECTRIC: *DING DING tokka tokka DING CH-CHUNG* FB: You can't intimidate me with your loud angry rhetoric an your threatenin typefaces IBM Selectric! Who are you coverin up for? IBM SELECTRIC: *DING tokka tokka tok CH-CHUNG CH-CHUNG tok KRRRNRHCH* FB: Do not paper jam on me now! We need your answers! You are the last hope of Truth! IBM SELECTRIC: *KRRRNNRNCH* Well it seems like there are no lengths some people will go to to evade the press. But do not worry! Fafblog will be on the case interrogatin page after page of 1970s fonts an typewriters for the next month if we have to until we come to the bottom of what various papers say our presidential candidates were doin thirty years ago! Labels: interviews
posted by fafnir at 9:28 AM
Friday, August 13, 2004
FIW2 continues with our interview of John Kerry! It is really amazin that we keep gettin these interviews I am not sure how we do it!
FAFBLOG: Now John Kerry a lot of undecided voters are tryin to figure out what the difference is between a Kerry Administration an a Bush Administration when it comes to foreign policy. If two years ago you knew about the no-WMD and the no-al Qaeda connections would you still wanna go to war? JOHN KERRY: Absolutely possibly, Fafnir. First of all, I believe it was the right authority for a president to have. The authority to invade another nation unprovoked is a useful authority for a president to have. FB: Gee that is kinda useful! Kinda like a can opener or a thing a dental floss! JK: Exactly! It's good to have around the home. Let's say I was president, and I suddenly found myself needing to preventively invade the Republic of Palau, but gosh darn it, the Congressional authority to do so just wasn't there! FB: Oh no! What would you do John Kerry? JK: Well, sir, I'd have to go all the way to Congress and get a declaration of war! Or, more likely, another blank check to invade Palau. FB: Damn Palauians, always messin stuff up. But do you think John Kerry that Iraq without weapons or terror connections was enough of a threat to invade? JK: Fafnir, the question isn't whether the invasion of Iraq was a stupid and pointless squandering of American blood and treasure that's set us back in the larger war on terror. The question is whether the invasion of Iraq was a stupid and pointless squandering of American blood and treasure that's set us back in the larger war on terror that could have been conducted much better through a competent internationalized effort. FB: Ohhhhh I get it! With French an Germans an Russians an stuff our horrible mistakes would go down much more smoothly! JK: Exactly! And believe you me, if as president I had lead a pointless preventive invasion of a disarmed and defanged Iraq, I would have done the coalition-building and prewar-planning necessary to win the pointless preventive peace! FB: But is this a winning political message John Kerry? People want strong leadership, an while jumpin to stupid wars is definitely strong leadership President Bush's war leadership is even stupider. JK: Yes, but strong leadership doesn't mean a foolhardy, knee-jerk rush to war, Fafnir. Strong leadership means being easily cowed by other peoples' foolhardy, knee-jerk rush to war. FB: Well you might have me sold on your world John Kerry. Your marvelous world where presidents make dumb decisions an follow through on them in an intelligent manner. JK: Thank you, Fafnir. We'll be looking for your vote. Labels: interviews
posted by fafnir at 11:29 PM
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
FAFBLOG is a blog, a radical new Medium of the People which destroys all barriers between word and action, thought and deed. Will it use its power for Journalism, or for Evil?
WOLF BLITZER is a mortal creature of the old media, the M.S.M., a prisoner of flesh and blood. He can only gaze longingly upon the glorious electric ascendancy of the blogosphere from the outside. WOLF BLITZER: So, Fafnir and Giblets, what IS a blog? FAFNIR: Blogs are the future Wolf. GIBLETS: Yes! They are MADE of the future! We extract the future's pure temporal essence an squeeze it into cables an modems an T3 lines it becomes a blog! FAF: A blog... of the future. WB: How much thought goes into your "web blog" "posts"? FAF: Oh we do not think at all when we post! That would defeat the entire purpose! GIBS: Blogs must be spontaneous instant reactions to the lightning events of the everyday! Giblets fires up a random news article, pounds his head against the keyboard several times, an hits the "publish" button for the purest of pure blog posts! FAF: Otherwise you are not truly flowin in the electric consciousness Wolf. WB: Do you think blogs are transforming the discourse in America, and if so how so? FAF: Oh they definitely are Wolf. There is not much that can resist our transformin internet power. GIBS: We are MADE of the internet. We course with its febrile energy! FAF: An we will make the discourse faster because blogs are faster. When someone starts talkin bout somethin that just happened five minutes ago someone else will say "oh I already heard about that yesterday, borin" an they will drop it cuz it's borin. GIBS: When someone starts talkin bout somethin else they will change subject not in the middle of the sentence, but before the other sentence was actually spoken. FAF: It will be just that fast. WB: Fascinating. Now, blogs just don't do the kind of rigorous fact-checking and editorial work that we do here in the mainstream media... FAF: That's very true. Not like you have at CNN or MSNBC or Fox! GIBS: Some days we sit around thinkin "Oh man if only we could maintain the journalistic rigor of Robert Novak or Charles Krauthammer or Brit Hume!" FAF: Or Judith Miller or Chris Matthews or CNN's Bill Schneider! GIBS: But then we would lose our cuttin-edge appeal Wolf Blitzer. Our cuttin-edge appeal. WB: But given that bloggers might be biased, or play "fast and loose with the truth," and given the increased importance of blogs today, should Americans be concerned? FAF: Yes they should be very concerned. We are an unchained force of nature Wolf Blitzer! You cannot stop us once we spin out of telecommunicontrol! GIBS: Bow before the power of blog Wolf Blitzer! Bow before the power of blog NOOOOOOW! WB: But that means the mainstream media would be defenseless before an onslaught of raw unfiltered opinion and skewed news! FAF: It could lead to... a blogpocalypse. GIBS: A rain of electronic fire and doom upon all mankind! FAF: And the mainstream legacy mediaverse would be helpless to stop it! GIBS: Heeeeellllpleeeessss! BOWBEFOREGIBLETS! WB: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! [explodes] FAF: His fusty analog consciousness could not cope with the intensity of our instantaneous instantosity! GIBS: The media is dead! Long live the media! FAF: Liberté, égalité, superfluté! TO VICTORY! [there follows the violent overthrow of everything] Labels: blogtopia, interviews
posted by fafnir at 5:39 PM
Saturday, May 29, 2004
AN ENORMOUS PUMPKIN is one of America’s most renowned and influential public figures. Its latest book, already a New York Times bestseller, is available everywhere.
FAFBLOG: Wow. It is an incredible pleasure to meet you, enormous pumpkin! AN ENORMOUS PUMPKIN: Indeed it is! I am quite enormous! FB: You certainly are! Ha ha ha! AEP: Quite an astonishingly large member of the gourd family! FB: Indeed! Now, enormous pumpkin, first off let me ask you the question I know everyone has been askin you. AEP: Ho ho! Here it comes! FB: Will you be John Kerry's vice presidential candidate if he asks you to? AEP: Ha ha ha! Fafnir well of course I would be greatly honored to be even considered, but I can't think about those kinds of things right now, what with all my duties as an enormous pumpkin! FB: Well yknow I had to try! AEP: Oh, I know you did. After all, who wouldn't, seeing what an incredibly large pumpkin I am! FB: You are incredibly large! AEP: I weigh over 1400 pounds! FB: That's so many pounds! AEP: It really is! FB: Now I understand you are deliverin an address at the World War II memorial this Monday. AEP: That's true. It's a great honor, even for such a huge pumpkin. FB: Can you tell us what it'll sound like? AEP: Mostly silence, with some rooty settling noises, seeing that, as a pumpkin, I am incapable of speech. FB: That's very appropriate and thoughtful. AEP: I certainly thought so. FB: I also hear you have a book comin out! AEP: Yes! It has no title or words and the binding is pulverized after having been rolled over by my enormous bulk! FB: You are very, very enormous! AEP: I have a diameter in excess of twenty feet! FB: Thank you for talking with us, enormous pumpkin. AEP: The pleasure was all mine. Thank you all for bein a part of Fafblog Interview Week! Our next theme week will be Hitting Giblets With A Spoon Week in which every post for a week will be a sound file of Giblets bein hit by someone with a spoon. "Ow," says Giblets. Labels: interviews
posted by fafnir at 11:59 PM
JESUS CHRIST is the author of a number of popular self-help books and recipe collections. He lives in Berkeley with his wife and their three children.
FAFBLOG: This is a really delicious corndog Jesus. JESUS CHRIST: Yeah, I like corndogs. FB: Y'know I heard that in California they have these corndog stands where they will make a corndog for you right there, fresh on a stick, and it is a fresh corndog, and it is the most delicious thing in the world? JC: That's gotta be a damn tasty corndog. FB: It is the Shangri-la of all corndogs. Now Jesus what do You think about gay marriage? JC: In my time I was strongly opposed to the practice of divorce. Divorce is rampant in America between heterosexual couples. I don't understand how barring more couples from marrying is "defending" marriage. FB: That sounds kinda squishy Jesus. JC: Maybe it is. FB: Intelligent Design is the latest hippest craze sweepin our schools. Should we replace teachin natural selection with Intelligent Design, or teach them both next to each other? JC: I think natural selection itself seems like a pretty intelligent design. FB: You are not givin me a lot of red meat here Jesus. JC: I'm sorry. FB: You would never make it on Hardball is all I'm sayin. Jesus who do You like in the next election? JC: I really don't like giving political endorsements, Fafnir. FB: C'mooooon Jesus! I wanna know who God wants me to voooooote for! JC: I'd rather not. I'm actually a big supporter of the separation of church and state. Give unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and give unto God that which is God's. FB: Does that which is God's include a preference for John Kerry's veep pick? JC: No. FB: Awwwww. JC: Y'know, Fafnir, a lot of people really got the wrong idea about me when I came here. They thought I was all about gaining temporal power, about building a kingdom on earth. But it was the devil who offered me the opportunity to rule the world, and I turned that down. I told my followers that I wasn't there to build an empire, but even after I died they fought wars to expand empires that ruled in my name. FB: So what is Your position on the Iraq war Jesus? Does the Holy Spirit have an exit strategy? JC: I think you're missing the point. Acquiring earthly power for the sake of the church, making laws in my name - it's the last thing I want. I told them my kingdom was not of this world. FB: Is it on the moon? JC: It's - FB: 'Cause we're goin to the moon again Jesus! JC: [sighs] FB: It'll be awesome! JC: Yes, Fafnir. My kingdom is on the moon. FB: That's so great! Jesus and the moon, together at last. Are there robots in the kingdom of heaven, Jesus? JC: Sure. Why not. Labels: interviews
posted by fafnir at 4:46 AM
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Fafblog Interview Week continues with an interview of Osama bin Laden. We have actually managed to interview him from deep in his secret lair somewhere along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border. Fafblog scoops Russert yet again!
FAFBLOG: So Osama bin Laden, how's evil doin? OSAMA BIN LADEN: MWAHAHAHAHA! Oh, evil stands ready to triumph over good, little Fafnir! FB: Oh I do not believe that Osama bin Laden! Good will always triumph over evil. OBL: Not THIS time! This time I'm hatching my most diabolical scheme ever - my plot to elect JOHN KERRY president! FB: Oh no! OBL: Oh yes! I'm going to attack the United States in the next few months, forcing Americans to vote for Democrats! And nothing can stop me! [singing] Whatever O-sama wants... O-sama gets... FB: But why, Osama bin Laden? Why? OBL: Because of free trade. Free trade, affirmative action, abortion rights, equal marriage rights for gays, universal health care. Especially universal health care! Allah demands that martyr-blood flow in rivers through the infidel streets of America until the West has universal health care! FB: I had no idea you were such a policy wonk Osama bin Laden. OBL: For it is written, "Did not Truman put universal health coverage for all godless Americans in the Democratic Party platform fifty years ago? Let the gates of jihad be opened until every man, woman, and child is fully insured." FB: Osama bin Laden you are insane! You have to know that universal health care is a crazy pipe dream, just like re-establishing the caliphate. OBL: But it is not just John Kerry's domestic policies we covet. Allah smiles upon his foreign policies as well. Al Qaeda desires the conflict in Iraq to be internationalized and more troops and a more efficient "police and intelligence operation" approach to be brought to the war on terror. Because once the infidel dogs of the West fight the warriors of Allah with a quicker, lighter, multilateral approach... then, ah, THEN will we truly be able to destroy you! FB: You will never get people to elect John Kerry, Osama bin Laden! OBL: Yes we will! First we will launch a new terrorist attack on the US, forcing Americans to vote for Kerry! Then just to be sure we will launch a MoveOn-style blitz of negative anti-Bush ads using money collected from our 527s, while sending Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to plug the Democrats on Meet the Press and Hardball! FB: Oh no! OBL: Oh yes! And by the time I speak at the Democratic National Convention in Boston, America's fate will be sealed! FB: You will never get away with this Osama bin Laden! OBL: I already have! MWA-HAHAHAHA! MWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well I could go on about my daring escape from Osama bin Laden's mountain fortress but that would take all night. And then I couldnt tell you about how tomorrow we have an interview with Jesus! Wow, how do we keep doin this? It is pretty amazin I can tell you that! Labels: interviews
posted by fafnir at 9:55 PM
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Fafblog Interview Week continues with our exclusive interview with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld!
FAFBLOG: Great to have you here Donald Rumsfeld! Lets get right to it an start by askin: what is with this torture thing, and how long have you known about it? DONALD RUMSFELD: Good gosh, that's a tricky one there. Was it torture? Were detainees indefinitely held for days with bags over their heads? Yes. Were testicles electrocuted? You bet. Were orifices molested, flesh ripped by dogs, and nostils raped? Almost certainly. But torture? Hard to say. FB: Wow - that IS hard to say. DR: It sure is. FB: A recent article in the New Yorker says you approved extending a secret interrogation program that allowed torture tactics to spread to Iraq. Is that true? DR: My goodness me! Did the Pentagon implement a black ops interrogation program that greatly expanded what guards could do to prisoners? Maybe. Did I personally expand that program to low-level prisoners captured in Iraq? Possibly. Did this lead to the abuses at Abu Ghraib? Who can say? FB: It's almost like the more questions we ask the fewer answers we know! DR: The truth is a swirling miasma of shadow and fog, Fafnir. FB: Now Secretary Rumsfeld, there are a lot of people criticizing your handling of the war over things like the undermanning of the military, the not preparing for reconstruction, the letting crazy militias run whole cities. What is your response to those critics? DR: Well, jeepers, it's hard to say. It's easy for those people, in their press boxes and their ivory towers, to sit back and criticize without having to do the actual work of running the military. Now would another secretary of defense have done a better job, or do a better job? That question comes with a lot of unknowns. Some of those unknowns we know, and some of them we don't know. Do we have a metric for these known unknowns? Are there more unknown unknowns than known unknowns? Is that another unknown? We just don't know. FB: It's all so crazy we might as well just leave things as they are with you in charge! DR: If you say so. FB: Now we can't let you go without askin you about one more thing. Some people have been sayin you should resign lately... John Kerry, Nancy Pelosi, Tom Harkin, The Economist... DR: Now, I've accepted responsibility before and I'll accept responsibility again for everything done under my command. But I'll be damned... damned... if I let a few systemic, widespread, and grotesque atrocities reflect on the character and conviction of the high-ranking civilian and military brass who created the environment that fostered those atrocities. FB: ...The New York Times, The Army Times, The Seattle Times, The Washington Post almost, The Council for American-Islamic Relations... DR: And I'll caution those in the press that they should be very careful about the way they handle and release these stories and these pictures, because right now by piling on the United States they're providing ammunition, aid and comfort to the enemy. FB: ...Anthony Zinni, Al Gore, Richard Clarke, Wesley Clark... DR: Thanks for having me here. Tomorrow we will be interviewin Osama bin Laden, from his mysterious and undisclosed hiding-cave along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border! It is amazing, how are we gettin an interview with Osama bin Laden? Labels: interviews
posted by fafnir at 11:51 PM
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