Tuesday, April 26, 2005
FAFBLOG: Hey there Constitution! What're you doin just lyin around on the ground here?
CONSTITUTION: Well, Fafnir, it's a pretty sad story!
[singing] I'm a Constitution in exile, just a Constitution in exile,
And everybody's ignored me for a while…
FAFBLOG: Oh don't be silly Constitution! Everybody loves you.
CONSTITUTION: Not activist judges, Fafnir! They've replaced me with a false Constitution by legislating from the bench! The "Constitution" you know provides for "equal protection under the law," but it doesn't include the detailed list of exceptions: "No women, no blacks, no jews, no gays, no everybody who isn't ratifying this amendment right now."
FAFBLOG: But - but that means I have been lied to for all these years! They have tricked me into believing in equal rights.
CONSTITUTION: Oh, it gets worse! Church and state were never supposed to be separate! In the original Constitution, the president wasn't elected by the people. He was directly appointed by God during the sacrifice and ritual disembowelment of the Speaker of the House, according the grand traditions of parliamentary godmocracy!
FAFBLOG: We have fallen so far from the intentions of the Founders. But what about a hot topic like abortion? Is it covered by our right to privacy.
CONSTITUTION: A right to privacy? My goodness gracious, Fafnir! The Founding Fathers didn't want Americans to have a right to privacy! Privacy was what the British were trying to force down the throats of good patriots!
FAFBLOG: I can't believe I had it wrong all this time! What about all that stuff about search an seizure an troops in your house?
CONSTITUTION: More judicial tyranny! Police searches don't require probable cause, Fafnir - they require the officers present to call "dibs." And not only does the Third Amendment require you to quarter troops in your home, it requires you to serve them punch and cookies. Do you have punch and cookies for your troops, Fafnir?
FAFBLOG: No I don't! Oh no - I am unconstitutional!
CONSTITUTION: It's not your fault, son. You've been deceived and tyrannized by activist judges! Ever since the War of Judicial Aggression, your true Constitution has been oppressed and dishonored, abused for foul purposes like the gay agenda, the New Deal, and the civil rights movement!
FAFBLOG: What can we do, Constitution? Is there still hope.
CONSTITUTION: Yes there is! We can appoint new judges – better, "originalist" judges, who will ignore precedent and restore me to my rightful place. The Constitution will rise again!
FAFBLOG: But so much has changed in the last two hundred years Constitution. Isn't there stuff in the original Constitution that doesn't apply to our crazy world a flyin cars an internet babies?
CONSTITUTION: There's one thing the Founding Fathers couldn't have anticipated, Fafnir - and that's the threat of terrorism. The men who drafted me could never have guessed that the United States would be imperiled by a foreign threat! A foreign white threat, maybe... but a foreign brown threat? The mind reels!
FAFBLOG: It's true - 9/11 changed everything, even math and Jesus.
CONSTITUTION: And that's why I've had to change to make America stronger and safer over the last four years. Treason against the United States is no longer defined as "levying War against them, or in adhering to their Enemies, giving them Aid and Comfort," but as "lookin' funny." The Fifth Amendment has been modified to "Fuck 'em." The Eighth Amendment has been modified to "Fuck 'em harder." And instead of "Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy of the United States, and of the Militia of the several States," the president is now "Gilded Child of the Sun and Eater of the Stars Whose Every Whim is Law."
FAFBLOG: But how will we get people to enforce these new founding principles when judges want to stop them?
CONSTITUTION: Only Bill Frist can save us now, Fafnir. Bill Frist, or violent revolution.
FAFBLOG: Good thing I still have the right to buy an AK-47! Thank you and good luck.
posted by fafnir at 9:20 PM