|
Sunday, November 2, 2008
FAFBLOG: First of all I want to say thank you, John McCain, for choosing to give your last major interview before the election right here on our little blog!
JOHN MCCAIN: Thank you, my friends. The honor is all mine. FB: Now let's get right down to it. Why should you be president? MCCAIN: One word, my friends: leadership. As a Navy pilot I was shot down over Vietnam, as a member of the United States Senate I was beaten by my captors for five and a half years, and as your president I will continue to courageously endure those beatings for America. FB: Well you make a pretty convincing case, John McCain, but why shouldn't I vote for a president who has even more experience being tortured, like Congressman Sheikh Mohammed or Senator Jesus or that guy who gets his head exploded at the beginning of Scanners? MCCAIN: Because I know the problems Americans are going through right now. The American people are angry, my friends. They're hurt. They've been beaten by their captors for five and a half years. And they need a leader who's willing to stop federal tax dollars from going to research harbor seal DNA. FB: We might lose our jobs and we might lose our homes and we might have to sell our youngest, weakest children to black market organ scavengers for a cardboard box and a can of refried beans, but we'll always be safe in the knowledge that our taxes aren't going to further our understanding of marine biology. MCCAIN: Oh, and that's just the tip of the iceberg, my friends. Do you realize that federal earmarks last year directed literally thousands of your tax dollars to children's hospitals? Think about that now! Hospitals! For children! FB: Now look John McCain, everybody wants to shut down children's hospitals, but how're you really gonna do it what with all the Washington gridlock and the Beltway infighting and the fatcat lobbyists from Big Children? I mean Ronald Reagan promised us he'd destroy the government and twenty years later we're still stuck with a functioning public sewage system. MCCAIN: Look, my friends, I can do this. I know how to balance budgets. I know how to win wars. I've been pretending to do it for thirty-five years. And I know how to work across party lines to get things done. Has Barack Obama ever had a sweaty late-night three-way with Joe Lieberman and Trent Lott on the floor of the Senate cloakroom? Or was he too busy raising taxes for his friends in the radical African terrorist community to reach across the aisle? FB: That's just the kind of mavericky bipartisan maverickness you used to pass sweeping reforms like the Candyland Preservation Act and McCain-Snuffleupagus! So how much will I personally save once you've gotten rid of all these earmarks? MCCAIN: Literally thousands of thousandths of some fraction of a penny. But look, my friends: it's not about the money. It's about the principle. And the principle is that it's wrong, just wrong, to take money from the American taxpayer and spend it on something, unless that something is a series of massive, ever-expanding foreign wars. FB: That's so true. It just burns me up inside when I think about how every dollar we're just throwing away on medicine for poor people could be spent on something truly valuable, like a hundred year war in Iraq. MCCAIN: Now, now I want to be clear on something. I hate war, my friends. I hate war almost as much as I hate vigorously masturbating to it. But this war in Iraq is a necessary war. An honorable war. A war that's been beaten by its captors for five and a half years. And without it Saddam Hussein would be free even now to fly pretend airplanes into our fictional buildings with weapons of mass imagination. FB: None of us will ever forget that day - that terrible, hypothetical day. MCCAIN: And right now in Iraq we have a, a wonderful general there, General Petraeus. He's very courageous. He is very broad-shouldered. He was beaten by his captors for five and a half years. And when you get close to him, very close, there is the distinct aroma of fresh-baked pie. And, and the first thing we have to do is let General Petraeus finish the job of securing Iraq for the Iraqi people, a proud and united people, so that it doesn't fall into the hands of their enemies, the Iraqi people. FB: Well that sounds good, John McCain, but how do we really get the Iraqis to stand up for themselves against the Iraqis? MCCAIN: Oh, we already have, by arming the Iraqis to fight back against the Iraqis and make sure they can live in peace without fear of Iraqis. But if we don't stay and finish the job Iraq will fall to Iraqi influence, and we cannot allow that, my friends. FB: See I used to be all confused about all this, but it just makes so much sense when I hear it from you! Now between half a million and a million Iraqis have been killed since the start of the war, in a country of twenty-nine million Iraqis. Do you feel kinda glass-half-full about it, like "hey look at all the Iraqis we got left!" Or is it kinda glass-half-empty, like "oh man, look at all the Iraqis we got left!" MCCAIN: Oh, no, no. With time I believe we can eliminate the threat of Iraq within Iraq. The first thing we have to do in order to win is to win, which I believe we can accomplish through means of winning. And the second thing we have to do is cut taxes and pork-barrel spending. Let's not tax these dead Iraqis, my friends. Let's kill them again so they don't have to pay three million dollars for a planetarium in Chicago. FB: Well I'm almost sold, John McCain, but Barack Obama says he's gonna make war cool again in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Why shouldn't I vote for him? MCCAIN: Because I know war, my friends. I've lived with war. Slept with war. Fondled war. Has Barack Obama ever made sweet love to the outer casing of an intercontinental ballistic missile? Or was he too busy teaching kindergartners how to have sex with federal earmarks to show his support for our troops? FB: Now there's some crazy people who say we should negotiate with other countries like Iran and Venezuela before we bomb them. Are these crazy people crazy? MCCAIN: Absolutely. We cannot dignify these countries by meeting with them, because if we meet with them we give the world the impression that we are willing to meet with them, and that just makes our country look like the kind of country that meets with other countries. And where does that lead, my friends? FB: Disaster, that's where! What if you're meetin with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, an you go to shake Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's hand, an then he moves his hand up and goes "Up high!" and so you go to give him a high five but then he kinda swooshes his hand down an goes "Down low!" an so you go to catch his hand there but he moves his hand outta the way an goes "Too slow!" an then all the guys on the Security Council think he's cooler'n you! Man, you'd feel pretty stupid then. MCCAIN: That's why talking to people is only justified as the option of last resort, after all killing-based alternatives have been exhausted. FB: Okay John McCain, now it's time to play Bomb or Tax Cut! Get your buzzer ready! MCCAIN: Okay, heh heh, here we go! FB: Iran! MCCAIN: Bomb. FB: Russia! MCCAIN: Bomb. FB: Global warming! MCCAIN: Bomb. FB: Guantanamo Bay! MCCAIN: Tax cut. FB: Health care! MCCAIN: Bomb. No, no, tax cut, tax cut! FB: Nuclear proliferation! MCCAIN: Bomb and tax cut! FB: The increasing irrelevance of the human soul in the face of global capitalism! MCCAIN: Tax cuts for bombs! FB: Now, we've got time for one last question. Any thoughts about Tuesday night? MCCAIN: Bomb, bomb, bomb! FB: No no, that parts over now! Different question! MCCAIN: Oh, heh heh, I'm not too worried about election night. The polls are, are, they're tightening. FB: I believe some of them certainly could be generously interpreted to that effect, yes! MCCAIN: And in fact, heh, we're, we're going to win. FB: Oh, ha ha, I'm sure you will! Keep thinking positive, John McCain! MCCAIN: It will be a victorious landslide. FB: Now that might be just a tad overconfident - MCCAIN: We will fight this. Fight this to the gates of hell. FB: Now rural Pennsylvania isn't the most exciting place in the world, but I don't know if I'd call it - MCCAIN: And I will rescue America and, and take her for my demon bride. FB: We really gotta go, John McCain. MCCAIN: We shall reign for ten thousand years. Labels: fuck you '08, interviews, the end of the world party
posted by fafnir at 10:37 AM
by
 , at November 02, 2008 11:33 AM
by
, at November 02, 2008 2:20 PM
MCCAIN: And I will rescue America and, and take her for my demon bride.
Wait a second. Wasn't this George W Bush's slogan in 2000? That's not change we can believe in!
by
, at November 02, 2008 5:11 PM
so many high points!
I mean Ronald Reagan promised us he'd destroy the government and twenty years later we're still stuck with a functioning public sewage system. Love it! Fafnir Rulz!
by
, at November 02, 2008 5:52 PM
MCCAIN: Because I know war, my friends. I've lived with war. Slept with war. Fondled war. Has Barack Obama ever made sweet love to the outer casing of an intercontinental ballistic missile? Or was he too busy teaching kindergartners how to have sex with federal earmarks to show his support for our troops?
That's presidentialy.
by
, at November 02, 2008 8:15 PM
Snuffleupagus never did anything. I voted for him and I never saw him get no beatings. He didn't die overseas for me like John McCain did.
Don't talk to me about Snuffleupagus the liberal, terror supporting, large furry indeterminable television animal.
by
, at November 02, 2008 11:34 PM
by
, at November 03, 2008 3:30 AM
Is it wrong of me to secretly hope that John McCain, on entering the voting booth, discovers that his endless thumbs-ups (thumb-ups? thumb-ups? what is the plural?) have rendered him unable to raise his arms above his standard -45° angle, and incapable of voting?
And that he be forced to try to vote with his teeth? But his endless clenched-teeth smiles will have locked his firm but spongy jawline into a skeletal grin, leaving him flailing about on the floor of the voting booth, shouting "Smne pnch my chd! Smne pnch my chd!" through that horrible, horrible death mask of a smile as he waves his rigid arms about like some t-rex caught in the tar sands? (What am I talking about? Dinosaurs didn't exist! That would suggest evolution. And that's crazy talk.) Is that wrong?
by
, at November 03, 2008 4:53 AM
by
, at November 03, 2008 8:07 AM
It was not fresh-baked pie, but cake - Election Day Cake - that our rural foremothers - in Pennsylvania and other quaint East Coast states like Connecticut - used to prepare in honor of Government OF, BY, and FOR the People.
The Washington Post had an article about it four years ago. http://tinyurl.com/6pvodq
McCain elected by Supreme Court.
McCain assasinated. Todd Palin dies of cancer. President Palin marries Barack Obama after his divorce. Additional three-pronged war fronts in Pakistan,N Korea,Iran. Tina Fey impersonates Palin in phone call to Sarkozy. Sarkozy, Carla Bruni divorce. Palin,Bruni mud-wrestle on SNL. Palin/Obama reelected. Stephen Hawking lands on Mars.
by
, at November 04, 2008 8:52 AM
I wish I'd read this earlier. It might have changed my whole perspective.
Oh, wait, leaning at an angle does that. Thanks, Fafnir!
by
, at November 05, 2008 12:38 AM
|
|
|
