|
Sunday, February 14, 2010
 Just because you never dated him doesn't mean he can't stalk you once you've dumped him. Labels: my boyfriend the president, the end of the world party
posted by the Medium Lobster at 11:16 PM
Sunday, November 2, 2008
FAFBLOG: First of all I want to say thank you, John McCain, for choosing to give your last major interview before the election right here on our little blog!
JOHN MCCAIN: Thank you, my friends. The honor is all mine. FB: Now let's get right down to it. Why should you be president? MCCAIN: One word, my friends: leadership. As a Navy pilot I was shot down over Vietnam, as a member of the United States Senate I was beaten by my captors for five and a half years, and as your president I will continue to courageously endure those beatings for America. FB: Well you make a pretty convincing case, John McCain, but why shouldn't I vote for a president who has even more experience being tortured, like Congressman Sheikh Mohammed or Senator Jesus or that guy who gets his head exploded at the beginning of Scanners? MCCAIN: Because I know the problems Americans are going through right now. The American people are angry, my friends. They're hurt. They've been beaten by their captors for five and a half years. And they need a leader who's willing to stop federal tax dollars from going to research harbor seal DNA. FB: We might lose our jobs and we might lose our homes and we might have to sell our youngest, weakest children to black market organ scavengers for a cardboard box and a can of refried beans, but we'll always be safe in the knowledge that our taxes aren't going to further our understanding of marine biology. MCCAIN: Oh, and that's just the tip of the iceberg, my friends. Do you realize that federal earmarks last year directed literally thousands of your tax dollars to children's hospitals? Think about that now! Hospitals! For children! FB: Now look John McCain, everybody wants to shut down children's hospitals, but how're you really gonna do it what with all the Washington gridlock and the Beltway infighting and the fatcat lobbyists from Big Children? I mean Ronald Reagan promised us he'd destroy the government and twenty years later we're still stuck with a functioning public sewage system. MCCAIN: Look, my friends, I can do this. I know how to balance budgets. I know how to win wars. I've been pretending to do it for thirty-five years. And I know how to work across party lines to get things done. Has Barack Obama ever had a sweaty late-night three-way with Joe Lieberman and Trent Lott on the floor of the Senate cloakroom? Or was he too busy raising taxes for his friends in the radical African terrorist community to reach across the aisle? FB: That's just the kind of mavericky bipartisan maverickness you used to pass sweeping reforms like the Candyland Preservation Act and McCain-Snuffleupagus! So how much will I personally save once you've gotten rid of all these earmarks? MCCAIN: Literally thousands of thousandths of some fraction of a penny. But look, my friends: it's not about the money. It's about the principle. And the principle is that it's wrong, just wrong, to take money from the American taxpayer and spend it on something, unless that something is a series of massive, ever-expanding foreign wars. FB: That's so true. It just burns me up inside when I think about how every dollar we're just throwing away on medicine for poor people could be spent on something truly valuable, like a hundred year war in Iraq. MCCAIN: Now, now I want to be clear on something. I hate war, my friends. I hate war almost as much as I hate vigorously masturbating to it. But this war in Iraq is a necessary war. An honorable war. A war that's been beaten by its captors for five and a half years. And without it Saddam Hussein would be free even now to fly pretend airplanes into our fictional buildings with weapons of mass imagination. FB: None of us will ever forget that day - that terrible, hypothetical day. MCCAIN: And right now in Iraq we have a, a wonderful general there, General Petraeus. He's very courageous. He is very broad-shouldered. He was beaten by his captors for five and a half years. And when you get close to him, very close, there is the distinct aroma of fresh-baked pie. And, and the first thing we have to do is let General Petraeus finish the job of securing Iraq for the Iraqi people, a proud and united people, so that it doesn't fall into the hands of their enemies, the Iraqi people. FB: Well that sounds good, John McCain, but how do we really get the Iraqis to stand up for themselves against the Iraqis? MCCAIN: Oh, we already have, by arming the Iraqis to fight back against the Iraqis and make sure they can live in peace without fear of Iraqis. But if we don't stay and finish the job Iraq will fall to Iraqi influence, and we cannot allow that, my friends. FB: See I used to be all confused about all this, but it just makes so much sense when I hear it from you! Now between half a million and a million Iraqis have been killed since the start of the war, in a country of twenty-nine million Iraqis. Do you feel kinda glass-half-full about it, like "hey look at all the Iraqis we got left!" Or is it kinda glass-half-empty, like "oh man, look at all the Iraqis we got left!" MCCAIN: Oh, no, no. With time I believe we can eliminate the threat of Iraq within Iraq. The first thing we have to do in order to win is to win, which I believe we can accomplish through means of winning. And the second thing we have to do is cut taxes and pork-barrel spending. Let's not tax these dead Iraqis, my friends. Let's kill them again so they don't have to pay three million dollars for a planetarium in Chicago. FB: Well I'm almost sold, John McCain, but Barack Obama says he's gonna make war cool again in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Why shouldn't I vote for him? MCCAIN: Because I know war, my friends. I've lived with war. Slept with war. Fondled war. Has Barack Obama ever made sweet love to the outer casing of an intercontinental ballistic missile? Or was he too busy teaching kindergartners how to have sex with federal earmarks to show his support for our troops? FB: Now there's some crazy people who say we should negotiate with other countries like Iran and Venezuela before we bomb them. Are these crazy people crazy? MCCAIN: Absolutely. We cannot dignify these countries by meeting with them, because if we meet with them we give the world the impression that we are willing to meet with them, and that just makes our country look like the kind of country that meets with other countries. And where does that lead, my friends? FB: Disaster, that's where! What if you're meetin with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, an you go to shake Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's hand, an then he moves his hand up and goes "Up high!" and so you go to give him a high five but then he kinda swooshes his hand down an goes "Down low!" an so you go to catch his hand there but he moves his hand outta the way an goes "Too slow!" an then all the guys on the Security Council think he's cooler'n you! Man, you'd feel pretty stupid then. MCCAIN: That's why talking to people is only justified as the option of last resort, after all killing-based alternatives have been exhausted. FB: Okay John McCain, now it's time to play Bomb or Tax Cut! Get your buzzer ready! MCCAIN: Okay, heh heh, here we go! FB: Iran! MCCAIN: Bomb. FB: Russia! MCCAIN: Bomb. FB: Global warming! MCCAIN: Bomb. FB: Guantanamo Bay! MCCAIN: Tax cut. FB: Health care! MCCAIN: Bomb. No, no, tax cut, tax cut! FB: Nuclear proliferation! MCCAIN: Bomb and tax cut! FB: The increasing irrelevance of the human soul in the face of global capitalism! MCCAIN: Tax cuts for bombs! FB: Now, we've got time for one last question. Any thoughts about Tuesday night? MCCAIN: Bomb, bomb, bomb! FB: No no, that parts over now! Different question! MCCAIN: Oh, heh heh, I'm not too worried about election night. The polls are, are, they're tightening. FB: I believe some of them certainly could be generously interpreted to that effect, yes! MCCAIN: And in fact, heh, we're, we're going to win. FB: Oh, ha ha, I'm sure you will! Keep thinking positive, John McCain! MCCAIN: It will be a victorious landslide. FB: Now that might be just a tad overconfident - MCCAIN: We will fight this. Fight this to the gates of hell. FB: Now rural Pennsylvania isn't the most exciting place in the world, but I don't know if I'd call it - MCCAIN: And I will rescue America and, and take her for my demon bride. FB: We really gotta go, John McCain. MCCAIN: We shall reign for ten thousand years. Labels: fuck you '08, interviews, the end of the world party
posted by fafnir at 10:37 AM
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Well there's a brand new political superstar on the scene and she's tough as nails and the media won't leave her alone and she's a rough-and-tumble Alaskan hockey mom and why are they asking all these questions and she is the pure reincarnation of the invincible Anglo-Saxon frontier earth mother and stop picking on her!
So maybe Sarah Palin doesn't have all that much "experience." Maybe she doesn't pay much attention to your fancy-pants "foreign policy" or "domestic policy" or "policy." Maybe she's "crazy" and "corrupt" and was picked by a "vetting process" that consisted of "tossing darts at a phone book in the middle of an all-night Ambien-and-Ketamine binge." But maybe that's just because Sarah Palin's just too busy being a real American to hang around with your namby-pamby liberal candidates with their arugula lattes and their east coast Ivy League universities and their "qualifications" while they tax the Jesus Fetus to pay for gay Muslim healthcare! Well Sarah Palin understands that being vice-president takes more than just book-smarts or regular-smarts or knowing what a vice president does! It takes gumption and spunk and other made-up words that hearken back to another time - a realer time - a whiter time - back when men were men and women were men and great big hairy-chested frontiersmen of the plains wrestled oxen and caribou and the savage Injun Man in their mighty conquest of the West before succumbing to explosive amoebic dysentery! And with the help of God and millions of dollars in energy industry donations, Sarah Palin will give us that dysentery again! VALUES. As a Jesus-fearing moose-hunting hockey-mom mother of five, Sarah Palin understands real American values, because she is a real American just like you, only with much more money and power and a tiny invisible fairy that lives in her brain and tells her to ban books and blow up Muslims. Sarah Palin understands that the key to America's success is personal responsibility, and the key to personal responsibility is getting lots of money from oil companies and the federal government while you enforce other people's personal responsibility! Oh, you wanted state funding to help with your out-of-wedlock Sin Child? Shoulda thoughta that before you decided to not be born to Sarah Palin! Sarah Palin will also ban abortion, 'cause in the hardscrabble up-by-the-bootstraps wilderness of the Alaskan suburbs, they don't have abortion. They also do not have adequate access to health care, birth control, or equal pay for equal work, as it turns out. MAVERICKNESS. As a moose-hunting Jesus-fearing hockey-mom mother of five who hunts moose, Sarah Palin isn't some petty Washington bureaucrat. She's a petty Alaskan bureaucrat, and she's gonna shake things up in Washington! For her first reform she will pose for photographs with a gun and a stuffed moose head! For her second reform she will say something bold and brassy. For her third reform she will give birth at a live press conference to six eagle scouts, three peregrine falcons and an American mastodon, rear them in the Christian faith and release them into the wild before hunting them down, shooting them and mounting their heads in the Roosevelt Room! Now some of you are saying "oh Giblets these aren't actual reforms" because you are boring and stupid and I hate you. But if you think about it, Sarah Palin would be reforming Washington just by being elected and finally giving a voice to marginalized white Christian evangelicals everywhere. She will also re-ban abortion, in case abortion got away the first time. ENVIRONMENTALNESS. As a Jesus-fearing moose-hunting hockey-mom mother of five who hunts moose for Jesus, Sarah Palin is kin to the wild outdoors and appreciates its bountiful splendor as she is gunning it down from her airplane. Sarah Palin understands that America is dangerously addicted to oil, and that the only cure is more oil. She also understands that nature is our natural enemy, created by a malevolent Satan to come between us and our God-given oil deposits with its hateful, clean water and its foul, pristine air. But Sarah Palin also also knows that we've got to leave this earth behind for our children, at least until we can find a way to drill for oil in our children. Sarah Palin is committed to exploring Baby Trig's vast and abundant petroleum reserves. Sarah Palin may not know if global warming is man-made. She may not know if global warming is real. She may not know what global warming is. But if global warming is caused by abortions, Sarah Palin will fight it - by banning abortion, just in case the first couple times didn't take. COMMANDERNESS. As a hockey-playing moose-hunting Jesus-fearing hockey-mom mother of five who plays hockey, Sarah Palin lives in Alaska, which is just a couple thousand miles away from Russia and the Red Chinese, giving her valuable insight into their inscrutable foreign ways. Every day for forty-four years Sarah Palin has gotten up and thought to herself, "Hmmm, the weather is cold today - and I bet the weather is similarly cold in Russia at this latitude." Isn't it about time we had a vice-president who understands the climatological grievances of our most deadliest frenemies? Think about it! But not for very long! Alaska is also close to the International Date Line, giving Sarah Palin the power to traverse the distance between Today and Yesterday at will and making her the Wizard of Speed and Time. She's sassy and white and ready to lead, people! And to ban abortion. Just look at that blastocyst! How can you say no! Labels: fuck you '08, real america, the end of the world party
posted by Giblets at 12:59 PM
Monday, September 1, 2008
Things are looking up for John McCain. Last week ended with a bang with the announcement of his fresh-faced new running mate Sarah Palin, who should provide McCain many more years of extended existence through gradual consumption of her life force, and, if needed, a new host body should his current vessel fail him. But McCain's true masterstroke is his planned convention trip to the permanently hurricane-ravaged wasteland of New Orleans, where he will demonstrate his awesome powers of Presidentiality by climbing atop a mountain of corpses and emitting a series of ear-piercing shrieks before unfurling his once-gnarled bat wings to absorb the radiance of the city's succulent Death Energy. He will then speak on the need for sacrifice, courage, and a new spirit of national unity in these times of extraordinary crisis before loping off to strangle and devour an aid worker.
Labels: eaters of the dead, fuck you '08, the end of the world party
posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:08 AM
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
While the Democratic veepstakes is being driven largely by a search for qualities like Strength, Experience, and other ways to say Penishood, Republicans this year will be looking for candidates with a kind of energy or vitality, what the French call a certain having-a-pulseness. Once again we ask: who has what it takes? Who can check if the president's still breathing at a state dinner while maintaining an air of dignity and resolve? Who can project the confidence and authority America expects from its leaders while wiping the dribble off the Commander-in-Chief's chin? This week: the Republicans.
MITT ROMNEY: Pros: history of rapid flip-flops will neatly counterbalance McCain's record of stunning policy reversals to achieve perfect pandering equilibrium; ability to suck opponents into the inky void of his soul should prove useful in veep debate; sweats liquid money Cons: eccentric space-god religion could appear unacceptably bizarre to pious nation of devout two-thousand-year-old Jewish zombie worshipers JOE LIEBERMAN: Pros: sure to spice up campaign with torpid, hectoring schoolmarm charm; could unite America with moderate, bipartisan blow-up-the-world ticket Cons: combined stench of death might might overwhelm unsuspecting Club For Growth members BOBBY JINDAL: Pros: least likely to die over the next four to eight years; zeal for castration and exorcism meshes nicely with party's innovative 12th century social policy Cons: will inevitably be kidnapped and rendered to a secret CIA torture camp upon his first attempt to board Air Force One, missing tie-breaking vote on critical appropriations bill TIM PAWLENTY Pros: voters may be unaware that he is actually Republican Cons: voters may be unaware that he actually exists THE CRYPTKEEPER: Pros: balances out McCain ticket with touch of youth and vigor; winning sense of humor sure to charm media and independents alike; foreign policy expertise ensured by unquenchable thirst for death Cons: may be just a pre-makeup Joe Biden DICK CHENEY: Pros: would make an excellent "Cheney figure;" provides for a smooth transition between Cheney administrations; only way to stop him from activating America's secret self-destruct sequence from within his hidden lair in the tip of the Washington Monument Cons: None. None whatsoever. Labels: fuck you '08, the end of the world party
posted by the Medium Lobster at 12:52 PM
|
|
|
