Monday, September 1, 2008
Things are looking up for John McCain. Last week ended with a bang with the announcement of his fresh-faced new running mate Sarah Palin, who should provide McCain many more years of extended existence through gradual consumption of her life force, and, if needed, a new host body should his current vessel fail him. But McCain's true masterstroke is his planned convention trip to the permanently hurricane-ravaged wasteland of New Orleans, where he will demonstrate his awesome powers of Presidentiality by climbing atop a mountain of corpses and emitting a series of ear-piercing shrieks before unfurling his once-gnarled bat wings to absorb the radiance of the city's succulent Death Energy. He will then speak on the need for sacrifice, courage, and a new spirit of national unity in these times of extraordinary crisis before loping off to strangle and devour an aid worker.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:08 AM
But didn't we already try once to have a president charged with succulent Death Energy? He ended up resigning!
Where I come from, the girls didn't slut around and get pregnant nor did they get sh*t faced and arrested for underage drinking.
Obviously, the girls from my hometown just aren't Washington material.
There's no mocking of pregnant teenagers who get forced into shotgun weddings by their fundamentalist parents on this blog, people. And no slut-shaming, either. First and only warning, etc. Yes, yes, we're nazis.
McCain's bat wings got seriously torn up when he was a POW. It's only right that he should be given the opportunity to spread them proudly now, since he was a POW.
Oh, and also, he was a POW.
My friends, he spent five and a half years in a prison cell. He would have liked to use his bat wings.
If he wants to sup on succulent Death Energy™, then we shouldn't call that amiss, dare I say!
His tale of hope told starring the guard who traced all of daVinci's writings (backwards, n'cest paas) in the dirt one Zimamas day insipres me still.
Hey! Mr McCain has got the new batwings now. My Brother-in-law imports them from China. Yes, they may be made from real people but McStopheles don't mind.
Now I understand he may be have been a POW at some stage. So if he wants to steal the souls of Aid Workers and feast upon their vital fluids, I think he's earned the right, you know.
Sir, you are beginning to exceed your own percipience.
Soon you will be a Great Lobster. Say hi to the Pumpkin, from all of us.
Hey I've already seen this dang movie!
Is this the one where at the end there's a big fiery explosion full of big fire and firey death and stuff burning up, and then the camera pans to a heap of smoking rubble and zooms in, and there's a glowing eyeball of doom sitting there glowing with an aura of faint but unambiguously malevolent evil? And then the eyeball winks, and the guitars start up real loud, and the screen fades to black?
I hate that movie! Let's watch something else. Animal Planet maybe.
Actually, one of the better ideas back in my bar-owning days: all-you-can-devour Bat Wings spread for an (American) dollar. The mostly-Republican crowd would swarm to spread their evil, and, amazingly, their wallets. But then, one of the bats was discovered to be pregnant. Things were never the same.
--Capt. Twelve A.M. Midnight, E.S.T., C.E.
The movie idea has got me thinkin' that the GOP could make a great commercial where like Palin is 'Sarah Connor' running through the streets being pursued by this ever morphing liquid metal cyborg who looks like Obama, except sometimes, and this is important, he changes into a bearded Arab lookin' jihadist, and sometimes he looks like MC Hammer with the big pants, and other times he looks like Mike Tyson, and still other times he looks like Ted Kennedy with a bottle of gin... and Sarah could be sheltering her kids in a doorway, and jumpin' out with an automatic weapon and shootin' fifty, sixty rounds at him, and then stopping to nurse her baby for a few minutes, and then throwin' a grenade, and then reforming the Dept of Energy, and then driving at high speeds through the street, shootin' that gun again, and then stop for a diaper change... but the Obama-liquid-metal-cyborg just keeps comin' stealing people's guns, and blowin' up their churches, and presiding as justice of the peace at gay weddings, and he can't be stopped, and what is she gonna do? And then she tricks the liquid metal cyborg into walking out on the ice, and she's got her skates on, and her pads, and little Trig is in the Baby Bjorn, and Todd looks over at her, and he's holding a couple of salmon, and he says, "Let's roll!" (even though these are ice skates, but "Let's glide" sounds kinda gay) and in fact her whole damn family is suited up, and they stop to look at each other solemnly before getting out on the ice, and Sarah manages to get the Obama cyborg's shirt up over his head and is just beatin' the bejesus out of him, and Todd is slappin' him with a salmon, and the kids have got a net, and they bind him up and throw him through a hole in the ice opened up by a beam of God sent sunshine.
Probably a little subtle for the American public though...
Ooops, no corpses, so we celebrate life. New life surging. Springing from the surging loins of young white Republicans. Hurah, Hurah.
The necromancers will re emerge post convention.
Whuff... that liquid metal Obamanator just got it right between the liquid metal eyes tonight, and Toto too. Yeesh and yikes! McCain's gonna have a heck of a time draining her life force... or decades of shrieking corpse piles on that action. The Death Energy rays are glowing red hot.
I liked the part where they have Mr. Potter trapped in his house and they set it on fire.
I count nearly 40 posts for August 2004, and only 4 for August 2008, at least I think that's right but I cant count. What has happened Fafblog! You are neglectin your sacred holy duty to post!
It's a little known fact (is that a smallish fact that's averagely known or a normal fact that's slightly known?) that in exchange for an unconditional pardon the DorkLordCheney has given Senaturd McStain the recipe for his famous "Reanimation Infantahemolatte". One more reason to make sure all the little snowflakes are carried to term.
Less than two months to countdown...
So, is there some cornbread with this batwing pie?
Obama needs help now.