Thursday, July 10, 2008

Ah, the vice-presidency! From visiting second-tier foreign dignitaries to waiting for the president to die, this linchpin of the modern democratic nation-state is a role that can't be filled by just anyone. Indeed, this is a job calls for nothing less than the most highly-cultivated political window-dressing money can buy. Who has the experience? Who's pretty - but not so pretty they kind of look like a slut? Whose name will fit comfortably on a bumper sticker in a garish red-white-and-blue font? This week: the Democrats.

JOE BIDEN:
Pros: one of the Senate's oldest and most respected experts in the field of Joe Biden; vast bullshit reserve could be tapped for its methane, powering nation for decades; fondness for partition and ethnic cleansing could be a valuable asset during the Second American Civil War of 2013
Cons: as a wholly-owned subsidiary of DuPont, may be ineligible to hold office

JIM WEBB:
Pros: tempers Obama's unhinged situational war skepticism with demonstrated love of killing things; broadens party appeal to critical demographic of trigger-happy bug-eyed Reagan officials
Cons: vice-presidency would ultimately distract Webb from important work of wiretapping random people while masturbating his guns

JOHN EDWARDS:
Pros: who could be more qualified to potentially succeed the president than the man whose sole qualification for the presidency was losing the previous race for the vice-presidency?
Cons: phony aura of fighting populism may conflict with campaign's preferred phony aura of sunny togetherness

EVAN BAYH:
Pros: youthful energy signals a change from old corrupt politics to new corrupt politics; cynically hawkish, pro-corporate policy stance would be a refreshing counterweight to Obama's freewheeling agenda of simulated empathy
Cons: opposition research will inevitably unearth mystically-sealed painting of rancidly decrepit Bayh created by powerful credit industry warlocks

HILLARY CLINTON:
Pros: over two hundred years' experience in treaty negotiation, nation-founding and Declaration-writing from that eighth grade field trip to Monticello; would promote party unity with dynamic, mutual-loathing-based dream ticket
Cons: who will bridge the vast ideological gulf between Clinton's hawkish, corporate-friendly centrism and Obama's hawkish, centrist-friendly corporatism?

GALACTUS, EATER OF WORLDS:
Pros: balances out Obama's troublingly semi-dovish past with tough, muscular "eat the world" policy
Cons: will eat the world

Labels: ,

posted by the Medium Lobster at 9:58 AM




41 Comments:
Your Excellency, I was surprised to see that you have omitted the most felicitous choice:

Re-Elect Gore 2008

http://www.buzzflash.com/store/images/437_200.jpg
Cripes! You're some kind of McCainbot now!?

You need to be careful! People aren't smart enough to see through "satire" and "lies" anymore. You jeopardize the good guys chance to win teh most important election EVAR!!!1!
Right, montag, because if you don't vote for Obama you have to vote for McCain.
exactly.
Don't forget

DICK CHENEY
Pros: cyborg immortality and dire knowledge of that which man was not meant to know would offset Obama's lack of experience
Cons: will eat the world

POLAND
Pros: easily forgotten, will not overbear Obama's aura of messiahness
Cons: easily invaded by Germany; often the but of jokes; eats lots of cabbage and may be gassy
Bravo, Fafblog! You get it!
by Anonymous Anonymous, at July 10, 2008 12:06 PM
Don't forget TOM DASCHLE!

Pro: This national co-chair of the Obama Campaign can bring in votes from his home state of South Dakota.

Con: While South Dakota is worth exactly 3 crucial electoral votes, this powerhouse campaigner managed to lose his Senate seat while he was the sitting Majority Leader! Also, as co-chair of the Obama Campaign, he is rumored to have played a big role in "revising" Obama's thinking on FISA, so that the rubbery Democratic nominee-to-be would be able to vote with Senators Orrin Hatch and Mitch McConnell in favor of expanding the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act! Word!
GALACTUS, EATER OF WORLDS = Dick Cheney
Don't think you can just waltz back into Fafblog and start talking sense like you never disappeared from the ethertubes, Mister Medium Lobster... if that is your real name!

Times have changed!

What we're looking for in the veepstakes is a candidate who can articulate a vision of sweeping change without actually taking any of the controversial policy stances that would be required to create sweeping change! We're looking for a fighter who is tough enough to be perceived as tough, but soft enough to be seen as soft and gentle and kindly. Somebody who is man enough to be a real man, yet woman enough to be a real woman. Someone who is comforting in all the ways that Senator Obama might perhaps possibly seem to be scary to people who scare easily.

Somebody like Dennis Kucinich. Except taller. And less crazy.
Now what have you gone and done with minifafblog fafblog? Huh? I'm waaaaiiiting!
by Anonymous Ugh, at July 10, 2008 4:04 PM
I was thinking maybe Tiger Woods for VP, except the bumper sticker looks like advertising for a terrorist retirement community.
by Anonymous Mizzoulian, at July 10, 2008 6:42 PM
Correction! Galactus' title is "Devourer of Worlds" not "Eater of Worlds." Also missing from his Pros: will enhance Obama's appeal to "white working class" voters by turning his skin silver.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at July 10, 2008 8:30 PM
The office of Vice President of the United States is too valuable for this kind of idle speculation and haphazard selection process.

We must address the growing federal deficit by selling VP raffle tickets.
If selected the winner, you'll receive a dozen hundred nights at undisclosed locations. Then, it's off on a zig-zag, incontinental flight around the continental U.S., ending with a time-share at Dick Cheney's newly leather-upholstered spider-hole/VP residence, and a free pass to say "fuck you" to the powerful Congressional leaders of your choice.
As a member of the Fourth Branch, any title, taxes, or transfer fees are totally not your worry.

Capt. Twelve A.M. Midnight, E.S.T., C.E.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at July 10, 2008 11:57 PM
Gotta nix Biden because it's gotta be the Second American Revolutionary War, and it has to be sooner than 2013.

So I say either Russell Crowe or Mel Gibson for all their experience leading fake armies to stunning victory. I know they're too pretty, but they can do wonders with make-up nowadays.
That is sooo last millennium! In this new millenium the Prez works four days a week and takes a 30 day vacation each year, while the Vice-Prez has open heart surgery and is back at work the same week. To my limited perception, in the new Publican style of government, the president is the most highly-cultivated political window-dressing money can buy and the Vice-President wields the power, taking advantage of the fact that nobody ever thought they needed to put restrictions on that office.
by Anonymous bodiciah t rentlord III, at July 11, 2008 10:23 AM
as a wholly-owned subsidiary of DuPont, may be ineligible to hold office

Lies! MBNA holds a goodly portion, too!
Oh Medium ... I'm so happy you're back.
What about these?

WESLEY CLARK
Pros: Military experience, foreign policy, security, and diplomatic credibility.
Cons: Has damaged his credibility with vicious, hateful, unspeakable slurs against John McCain, such as claiming that his Vietnam experience is not per se qualification for the presidency. Also, the name "Wesley" will remind people of the most despised character on Star Trek: The Next Generation.

KATHLEEN SEBELIUS:
Pros: Proven ability to push for progressive policy in conservative Kansas.
Cons: Obama picking a white woman from Kansas as his running mate may lead to excessive Freudian speculation.
Jim Webb:
Cons--MacArthur Park...
Spongebob squarepants. Pros: Already has vast market penetration. Wise crackin', fast talkin' role model for next generation of voters while appealing to Gen Y voters who have lost their inner child yet.
Cons: Is not real.
by Anonymous Karl Roved, at July 12, 2008 10:45 PM
ya left out the 2 bestest choices:
Colin Powell and Bill Bradley
change edition? God Bless!
That Galactus speaks "truth-to-power", tho'!
by Anonymous Anonymous, at July 13, 2008 4:38 PM
it would be good if Obama's Vice could capture the evangelical vote..... maybe this guy i found on the internet.....
I think he should pick Russ Feingold or Jack Reed.

Feingold pros: It would royally piss off McCain. The crypto-Muslim/overt-Jewish ticket would suddenly become palatable in Florida, while magically inspiring peace in the Middle East. And did I mention that it would royally piss off John McCain?

Feingold cons: I'm sure there are many, but none outweigh the satisfaction of royally pissing off John McCain.

Reed pros: Reed on ticket would totally nail down the Elven-American military vote.

Reed cons: few elves actually serve in the military, given their rosy employment prospects in the cookie- and toy-making industries.
by Anonymous MsChris, at July 13, 2008 10:58 PM
Lieberman for VP!

Pros: He was already elected once back in 2000!
He'll get the Jewish vote and the Beltway "GOP-lite" vote!

Cons: unlikely he'd promise to stop sucking McCain's dick in public.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at July 14, 2008 11:14 AM
We, the Internet Party, nominate Fafnir for President and Giblets for Vice President of The Free and Righteous America. We believe Fafnir will serve as a valuable figurehead while Giblets consolidates power over the free world and protects us all from the Terrible Zombie Regions. The Shark Territories and Pie Fiefdom shall of course remain independent until Giblets leads a bloody invasion force in 2011 to secure key lime and hammerheads (and liberty) for all. Or mostly just us. Fafnir/Giblets 08!
by Anonymous gremlin, at July 14, 2008 12:05 PM
wtf
first you blog about odd ass cities now it's all about turds.

get out of the toilet boy
From McCain's 1986 race for US Senate, as quoted in the Tucson Citizen:

"Did you hear the one about the woman who is attacked on the street by a gorilla, beaten senseless, raped repeatedly and left to die? When she finally regains consciousness and tries to speak, her doctor leans over to hear her sigh contently and to feebly ask, ‘Where is that marvelous ape?’"

Whata guy

... but he just screams obscenities at men so it's all OK.
Susan, Herr Doktor Blume has some thought-provoking comments on the issue you raise.

>>
In my esteemed professional opinion, Mr. McCain suffers from a psychological response sometimes seen in prisoners who show loyalty to the captors. We Logotherapists have coined the term “Stockholm syndrome” to describe this response. Take this joke told by McCain at a meeting of the National League of Cities and Towns in March of 1986:

Did you hear the one about the woman who is attacked on the street by a gorilla, beaten senseless, raped repeatedly and left to die? When she finally regains consciousness and tries to speak, her doctor leans over to hear her sigh contently and to feebly ask, “Where is that marvelous ape?” [Tucson Citizen, 10/27/86]



Now, at first you would think that this is nothing but repellant sexism. Joking about rape is the type of thing that men who fantasize about sexual violence are wont to do, and the fact that the woman was “beaten senseless” attests to almost pathological misogyny. But coupled with his war experience, we begin to wonder if this is not also symptomatic of a more general issue. Note that at the end of the joke, the woman appears to enjoy her beating and sexual violation, and ask: who is this marvelous ape?

Where Mr. McCain was beaten senseless by the Viet Cong, the woman was beaten senseless by a powerful gorilla, a King Kong, if you will. Perhaps this is a clue to the identity of that marvelous ape?

Now, let us move forward to something Mr. McCain said to Larry King more recently:

I don't think they do. In fact, it is very interesting to see a change in attitudes and comments on the so-called Arab street now. The Arab countries in the region that, at first were very sympathetic to bin Laden and very critical of the United States and our actions, and now there seems to be a very different tune being played there, in sort of a acceptance of the fact that the United States is doing what is right and necessary, not only for the United States but for, frankly, these moderate regimes as well. [Larry King Live, 11/28/01]



Again, the countries subject to the superpower grow to love the superpower, a Stockholm syndrome-type argument. Women and Arabs, which initially rejected their oppressor, end up being grateful for being dominated, for someone to do what is “right and necessary” to them.

This of course opens up the possibility that John McCain is not only a deviant sexist, but is also doing what we Logotherapists call “projecting”. Perhaps he himself feels this way towards his oppressors. At this point you want to ask John McCain, as you should ask yourself “Who is your marvelous ape?”<<

http://tinyurl.com/5veae8
Brilliant. I vote for Galactus!
Love the blog.
dirk of thedirkshow.coms
KATIE FROM HORTON HEARS A WHO

Pros: sunny disposition and vivid imagination
Cons: sunny disposition and vivid imagination
by Anonymous pickled herring, at July 20, 2008 11:05 AM
Bugs Bunny, devourer of carrots.
pro: An american icon and a very deep rebel.
con: Older than Johnny. Being a classic animation might be a deal breaker.
by Anonymous Corp. Nobby, at July 21, 2008 10:17 PM
Mr. Medium Lobster, Sir:

I never heard of a "medium". I know about "Chix lobstahs" and "Pound and a quahtahs" and "Bigass mothahfuckahs", but I never even heard of no "medium".

I wandered in here, by accident, much like the sitting PotUS; but as long as I'm here...

I would like to nominate myself for the VP slot, or slit, or gash or hole or whatever it will be called later.

Pros: I am nearly illiterate, famously pissy and more addicted to causing pain than the DorkLordCheney is to his infantahemolattes.

Cons: Sorry, I'm not falling for that shit; go fuck yourself.

Capt 12 AM Midnight:

Where the hell you been?

democommie
by Anonymous Anonymous, at July 22, 2008 12:02 AM
My guess is Evan Bayh. Obamabayh08.com redirects right to the Democratic Party website. Check out dailytaylor.blogspot.com for more...
THE MEDIUM LOBSTER:

Pros: A higher being from beyond the boundaries of space and time, etc. etc., before whom all of reality as you know it is laid out like so many ants etc. etc.

Cons: has an exoskeleton, likes underage hookers and blow, plus serious problem with violent porn, can't keep his pincers to himself, etc. etc.
DICK CHENEY:
Pros: Experienced. As cyborg has achieved immortality. Best insures continuity of existing imperial policies.
Cons: [REDACTED]
@ Corp Nobby: I'd gladly vote for an Obama-Bugs ticket, provided it's Bugs from the classic "Barber of Seville" era. Unfortunately, the Turner Empire won't let him out of the vault very often.

Mr. Medium Lobster: you'd better upload your Republican Veepstakes edition FAST, before McCain either chooses a running mate or drops dead in a fit of apoplectic rage - either of which will require extensive rewrites.
@Ms Chris: I agree with your qualification. My favorites are some of the three ways between him, Daffy and Elmer.
"Be vewy vewy quiet, We're hunting Elmers"
"Hehhehhehheh."
Don't know if anyone responsible is still alive. That group did some straight ahead great stuff.
by Anonymous Corp Nobby, at July 23, 2008 11:54 PM
biggest pro for john edwards:

he talks to dead people.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at July 26, 2008 2:24 PM

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