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Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Labels: doomed doomed doomed, real america
posted by fafnir at 10:11 AM
Friday, September 4, 2009
On the bright side, though, the Mayan zombie gods should wipe us all out in just a couple years. Labels: doomed doomed doomed, real america, what will become of whitey?
posted by fafnir at 8:30 PM
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Well there's a brand new political superstar on the scene and she's tough as nails and the media won't leave her alone and she's a rough-and-tumble Alaskan hockey mom and why are they asking all these questions and she is the pure reincarnation of the invincible Anglo-Saxon frontier earth mother and stop picking on her!
So maybe Sarah Palin doesn't have all that much "experience." Maybe she doesn't pay much attention to your fancy-pants "foreign policy" or "domestic policy" or "policy." Maybe she's "crazy" and "corrupt" and was picked by a "vetting process" that consisted of "tossing darts at a phone book in the middle of an all-night Ambien-and-Ketamine binge." But maybe that's just because Sarah Palin's just too busy being a real American to hang around with your namby-pamby liberal candidates with their arugula lattes and their east coast Ivy League universities and their "qualifications" while they tax the Jesus Fetus to pay for gay Muslim healthcare! Well Sarah Palin understands that being vice-president takes more than just book-smarts or regular-smarts or knowing what a vice president does! It takes gumption and spunk and other made-up words that hearken back to another time - a realer time - a whiter time - back when men were men and women were men and great big hairy-chested frontiersmen of the plains wrestled oxen and caribou and the savage Injun Man in their mighty conquest of the West before succumbing to explosive amoebic dysentery! And with the help of God and millions of dollars in energy industry donations, Sarah Palin will give us that dysentery again! VALUES. As a Jesus-fearing moose-hunting hockey-mom mother of five, Sarah Palin understands real American values, because she is a real American just like you, only with much more money and power and a tiny invisible fairy that lives in her brain and tells her to ban books and blow up Muslims. Sarah Palin understands that the key to America's success is personal responsibility, and the key to personal responsibility is getting lots of money from oil companies and the federal government while you enforce other people's personal responsibility! Oh, you wanted state funding to help with your out-of-wedlock Sin Child? Shoulda thoughta that before you decided to not be born to Sarah Palin! Sarah Palin will also ban abortion, 'cause in the hardscrabble up-by-the-bootstraps wilderness of the Alaskan suburbs, they don't have abortion. They also do not have adequate access to health care, birth control, or equal pay for equal work, as it turns out. MAVERICKNESS. As a moose-hunting Jesus-fearing hockey-mom mother of five who hunts moose, Sarah Palin isn't some petty Washington bureaucrat. She's a petty Alaskan bureaucrat, and she's gonna shake things up in Washington! For her first reform she will pose for photographs with a gun and a stuffed moose head! For her second reform she will say something bold and brassy. For her third reform she will give birth at a live press conference to six eagle scouts, three peregrine falcons and an American mastodon, rear them in the Christian faith and release them into the wild before hunting them down, shooting them and mounting their heads in the Roosevelt Room! Now some of you are saying "oh Giblets these aren't actual reforms" because you are boring and stupid and I hate you. But if you think about it, Sarah Palin would be reforming Washington just by being elected and finally giving a voice to marginalized white Christian evangelicals everywhere. She will also re-ban abortion, in case abortion got away the first time. ENVIRONMENTALNESS. As a Jesus-fearing moose-hunting hockey-mom mother of five who hunts moose for Jesus, Sarah Palin is kin to the wild outdoors and appreciates its bountiful splendor as she is gunning it down from her airplane. Sarah Palin understands that America is dangerously addicted to oil, and that the only cure is more oil. She also understands that nature is our natural enemy, created by a malevolent Satan to come between us and our God-given oil deposits with its hateful, clean water and its foul, pristine air. But Sarah Palin also also knows that we've got to leave this earth behind for our children, at least until we can find a way to drill for oil in our children. Sarah Palin is committed to exploring Baby Trig's vast and abundant petroleum reserves. Sarah Palin may not know if global warming is man-made. She may not know if global warming is real. She may not know what global warming is. But if global warming is caused by abortions, Sarah Palin will fight it - by banning abortion, just in case the first couple times didn't take. COMMANDERNESS. As a hockey-playing moose-hunting Jesus-fearing hockey-mom mother of five who plays hockey, Sarah Palin lives in Alaska, which is just a couple thousand miles away from Russia and the Red Chinese, giving her valuable insight into their inscrutable foreign ways. Every day for forty-four years Sarah Palin has gotten up and thought to herself, "Hmmm, the weather is cold today - and I bet the weather is similarly cold in Russia at this latitude." Isn't it about time we had a vice-president who understands the climatological grievances of our most deadliest frenemies? Think about it! But not for very long! Alaska is also close to the International Date Line, giving Sarah Palin the power to traverse the distance between Today and Yesterday at will and making her the Wizard of Speed and Time. She's sassy and white and ready to lead, people! And to ban abortion. Just look at that blastocyst! How can you say no! Labels: fuck you '08, real america, the end of the world party
posted by Giblets at 12:59 PM
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
It's time for another edition of BARACK OBAMA: THE FINAL THROES! Last week Giblets revealed the dangerous levels of pussification inherent in Obama's bowling skills and orange juice consumption while exploring the damage done by persistent rumors that the senator is secretly black. But this latest scandal has doomed the Obama campaign more than any dooming doom that has doomed it before, because this time Obama has Insulted America by saying that poor people in impoverished rural areas are somehow "bitter" about being poor and impoverished. For shame!
Well Giblets knows the real Americans of the heartland, Barack Obama. He has flown over them and driven past them and grimaced amiably in their direction on the way to hotel rooms on numerous occasions, and in that time he has come to appreciate their primitive yet unique culture. These salt-of-the-earth folk don't need your condescending liberal elitism to tell them how they feel! They need Giblets's condescending conservative elitism to tell them how they feel! These people aren't "bitter." Far from it! America's impoverished working class are a chipper and cheerful lot, prancing and scampering about their foreclosed homes and crumbling industrial sectors with a spirit of adorable pluckiness, smiling and laughing through their unemployment and their black lung disease like a pack of hardscrabble leprechauns!1 And Giblets is sure they are outraged to hear Barack Obama imply otherwise - just as he is sure they are even outraged-er to hear Obama scorn their honest midwestern folkways, mocking the simple beauty of their long, proud tradition of recreational possum-killing and their homey, heartfelt gay-bashing! Well Giblets has a long if purely theoretical love of our nation's yahoo population and their mysterious ways, and would be proud to join them himself were he not so busy wiping their hideous yokel-germs off him with copious quantities of hand sanitizer. That's why Giblets is so certain this final crippling blow to the Obama candidacy will be the finalest and most crippling of them all! By implying that the economic immiseration of America's rural underclass has made them somehow unhappy, Obama has alienated America's heartland! "Oh but Giblets how can you tell, the polls don't seem to have changed much" you say because you are stupid and elitist and hate the hard-working people of the American plains. Giblets doesn't need to wait for "polls" or "data" or "actual facts" when he has the sound judgment of real authentic heartland folk like Chris Matthews and George Will and Hillary Clinton!2 In fact Giblets will go so far as to predict right now that if Obama doesn't win Pennsylvania by fifty points next week it will be entirely because of this. Or the bowling thing, or the scary black pastor. Or Giblets's constant feverish attempts to make this stuff matter more to voters than the fact that they're stupidly poor. It shouldn't be that hard to do, Giblets hears these people are pretty bitter. 1. Oh the many hours Giblets has whiled away admiring this celebration of the American work ethic, watching the high-spirited children of the heartland cavort and caper for simple trinkets like food and prescription medication! 2. When you've lost Hillary Clinton you've lost America! Specifically, America's earthy population of multimillionaire former Wal-Mart executives turned nepotistic senators-for-life. Labels: fuck you '08, real america
posted by Giblets at 7:08 PM
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Every day throughout America - particularly on cable television America - appeals are made to ordinary mainstream Americans. Just last week Bill Donohue of the Catholic League, in an excursion into the heady exotic realm of Scarborough Country, proudly announced his claim to traditional mainstream values shortly after denouncing Hollywood as a den of iniquity controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity and love anal sex.
Everyone wants to be an Ordinary Mainstream American. But are you? How can you know? Sadly, not everyone is as gifted or as knowledgeable as Reverend Donohue or the Medium Lobster. And thus, in the spirit of the Christmas season - the time of giving, after all - the Medium Lobster gives you the following Test of the Mainstream. Answer the questions, score the points along the side accordingly, add up the total, and punch yourself repeatedly in the face. If you emerge swollen, bloody, yet filled with a strange sense of vindication, congratulations. Homosexuals: 1. Are every bit as American as heterosexuals and fully deserve watered-down versions of our human rights. 2. Are entertaining, neutered, and on the other side of my TV. 3. Are going to Hell for the sin of Ickiness. 4. Are the product of Martian-human intermarriage and possess dangerous telepathic abilities. Birth rates are: 1. Too high; other people should stop having children. 2. Too high; my political opponents should stop having children. 3. Too low; we'll never catch up to the Third World at this rate. 4. Too low; field mice alone have far outstripped us, to say nothing of bacteria. Dinosaurs: 1. Are colorful cartoon characters easily marketed to children. 2. Coexisted with humans, as evidenced by The Flinstones and Land of the Lost. 3. Were planted in the fossil record by a whimsical trickster god. 4. Were destroyed centuries ago by the mighty robots who assembled us, as is sung in the Cycles of Iron. Guns: 1. Are an essential tool for killing things. 2. Are an essential tool for the home which also happens to kill things. 3. Are what Jesus would've given the meek to take back the earth. 4. Are good. The gun kills men. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seed. Sex: 1. Mostly happens on the internet. 2. Is dirty and BAD... but I LIKE it... but that makes me dirty and BAD... but I LIKE it... 3. Is a foul and terrible abomination of all that is holy until a priest/judge/clerk/pirate captain puts a ring on my finger and tells me otherwise. 4. Does not exist. Humans reproduce through budding. Hollywood: 1. Wants me to watch shitty movies. 2. Wants me to oppose the Iraq War because of Martin Sheen; wants me to vote for actors who supported the Iraq War like Arnold Schwarzenegger. 3. Wants me to have gay sex. 4. Wants me to have gay sex with Martin Sheen and Arnold Schwarzenegger. The end of the world: 1. Will be slower and more painful than I can possibly imagine. 2. Will be a vast disappointment. 3. Must be hastened by strict adherence to a collection of ancient inscrutable animal prophecies. 4. Has already happened. Labels: real america
posted by the Medium Lobster at 12:11 PM
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