Tuesday, April 15, 2008

It's time for another edition of BARACK OBAMA: THE FINAL THROES! Last week Giblets revealed the dangerous levels of pussification inherent in Obama's bowling skills and orange juice consumption while exploring the damage done by persistent rumors that the senator is secretly black. But this latest scandal has doomed the Obama campaign more than any dooming doom that has doomed it before, because this time Obama has Insulted America by saying that poor people in impoverished rural areas are somehow "bitter" about being poor and impoverished. For shame!

Well Giblets knows the real Americans of the heartland, Barack Obama. He has flown over them and driven past them and grimaced amiably in their direction on the way to hotel rooms on numerous occasions, and in that time he has come to appreciate their primitive yet unique culture. These salt-of-the-earth folk don't need your condescending liberal elitism to tell them how they feel! They need Giblets's condescending conservative elitism to tell them how they feel! These people aren't "bitter." Far from it! America's impoverished working class are a chipper and cheerful lot, prancing and scampering about their foreclosed homes and crumbling industrial sectors with a spirit of adorable pluckiness, smiling and laughing through their unemployment and their black lung disease like a pack of hardscrabble leprechauns!1 And Giblets is sure they are outraged to hear Barack Obama imply otherwise - just as he is sure they are even outraged-er to hear Obama scorn their honest midwestern folkways, mocking the simple beauty of their long, proud tradition of recreational possum-killing and their homey, heartfelt gay-bashing! Well Giblets has a long if purely theoretical love of our nation's yahoo population and their mysterious ways, and would be proud to join them himself were he not so busy wiping their hideous yokel-germs off him with copious quantities of hand sanitizer.

That's why Giblets is so certain this final crippling blow to the Obama candidacy will be the finalest and most crippling of them all! By implying that the economic immiseration of America's rural underclass has made them somehow unhappy, Obama has alienated America's heartland! "Oh but Giblets how can you tell, the polls don't seem to have changed much" you say because you are stupid and elitist and hate the hard-working people of the American plains. Giblets doesn't need to wait for "polls" or "data" or "actual facts" when he has the sound judgment of real authentic heartland folk like Chris Matthews and George Will and Hillary Clinton!2 In fact Giblets will go so far as to predict right now that if Obama doesn't win Pennsylvania by fifty points next week it will be entirely because of this. Or the bowling thing, or the scary black pastor. Or Giblets's constant feverish attempts to make this stuff matter more to voters than the fact that they're stupidly poor. It shouldn't be that hard to do, Giblets hears these people are pretty bitter.

1. Oh the many hours Giblets has whiled away admiring this celebration of the American work ethic, watching the high-spirited children of the heartland cavort and caper for simple trinkets like food and prescription medication!

2. When you've lost Hillary Clinton you've lost America! Specifically, America's earthy population of multimillionaire former Wal-Mart executives turned nepotistic senators-for-life.

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posted by Giblets at 7:08 PM




70 Comments:
Yay! Current events!!
It doesn't get much more awesome than this. THIS is why we've missed Fafblog for so long!

(That, and Tales of Dissatisfaction. And the evil of Santa Claus. And pie. And everything else, come to think of it.)
I can't wait to see what Giblets has to say when Obama goes to a diner turns down a slice of pie. FINAL FINAL FINAL THROES!
This blog is normally great, but satire is truly effective only when accurate.

Actual Obama comment:

"they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations."

People object to that statement because it says that economic hardship makes people assholes because they're not smart enough to understand what's really going on. Or implies that things like "anti-trade sentiment" or "god" are merely things to cling to when you don't know what's going on.

Kudos on the propaganda.
by Anonymous Ian Montgomerie, at April 16, 2008 3:33 PM
Giblets is the best, not that the Lobster is not a good Lobster, but I laughed so hard I cried.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 16, 2008 3:34 PM
Ian, do learn to read; Giblets is not the most patient Giblets with non-readers.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 16, 2008 3:37 PM
Oh Fafblog, you're back. I could cry I'm so happy...
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 16, 2008 3:51 PM
As a hrad-working middle westerner, you should know we don't get black-lung disease, we get white-lung disease. It is much more upscale
by Anonymous BillCinSD, at April 16, 2008 4:40 PM
People object to that statement because it says that economic hardship makes people assholes because they're not smart enough to understand what's really going on.

Well, They understood that they were to each receive a Sparkle Pony, but beyond that, well yes they may be a bit confused.
Boy, Ian Montgomerie, you sure do sound bitter.
Damn right I'm bitter.
If I could afford health insurance, I'd be rich enough to just pay the doctor. Been so long since I got laid off that I'm not even 'unemployed' anymore. National elections are fixed, national treasury looted, national honor trashed, Statue of Liberty forced to become suicide bomber in Baghdad, no news there because no corporation cares.

Maybe Obama should slap his wife around and call her a cunt. Then he would be OK
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 16, 2008 6:43 PM
BO bowls a 37 and expects to be Leader of the Free World? No wonder he's bitter.
Maybe if he clinged onto god as a way to explain why he doesn't know what's going on he would have a pisser name like Montgomery.
I could vote for someone named Montgomery.
Unless he was an immigrant.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 16, 2008 9:36 PM
Dude I wouldn't be too sure about that whole Senator for Life... Shummer either. I would vote for any republican at this point. Neither has been anything but appeisers at best outright NeoCons at worse. Fuck the Dims and Rethuglicans. They're just kleptocrats all of em.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 16, 2008 9:51 PM
There's a suspicious lack of megalomania in this post. Methinks the Lobster has usurped our beloved Giblets's identity.
OH! MY! GAWD!

Pedant trolls - that is so kewl!! and original!!!
I am, like, so furious that nobody reports on the totally important issues. Like, clean-cut or what. How can I vote for someone if I don't know whether or not they shave their pubes?
Hmm, "pubesgate"?

What is shaved and to what extend? The public demands to know. But of even greater significance, how will degrees of shaveness play with the swing-average-joe-sixpack-reagan-blue-collar-white-fortysomthing segment? And how will it play with the public?

Quickly! To the pundit-mobile!
by Anonymous Tomas, at April 17, 2008 8:45 AM
Oh my god, it's pedantic Ian Montgomerie from Usenet, still being a prick TEN YEARS LATER.

Wow. I mean, wow. It's like seeing the Time Cube guy appear on Daily Kos.
I'm thirsty. Who wants orange juice?
Ian and Giblets should cohost a post, it would be the best post ever.
Just be careful not to offend the rural Crustian po' folk in Alabammy, Giblets, or they'll declare a yeehawed against you and then you'll heve to be ducking when they start running their hijacked monster trucks into your skyscrapers while screaming 'Sally Snackbar!'
New Poll Results:

98% of Pencilvainians want the pollsters to just shut up and leave them alone already.
I was so happy when Fafblog returned.


Was. Past tense.


Humor works best when it's humorous, don't you think?
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 18, 2008 4:33 AM
Welcome back, Fafblog. Ohhh, we missed you, man. It's been a gray, cold, 629 days without you. It was sort of like when Doonesbury took a couple of years off in the early '80s and, by the time he came back, it was too late, and Reagan was reelected. Only worse than that.
by Anonymous Basilisc, at April 18, 2008 5:40 AM
Okra Tofu Pie not understand why so much fuss about being bitter - Okra Tofu Pie been bitter for whole life, unfortunate side effect of being poisonous.

But Okra Tofu Pie happy kind of bitter, like smiley face on toxic waste. Bitter, bitter toxic waste.
These people aren't "bitter." Far from it!

Especially when prepared correctly and served with a wine sauce.
by Anonymous MR Bill, at April 18, 2008 10:49 AM
Hah. Obama is so out of touch. I cling to prostitutes and drugs. Good luck with Detroit, pal.
I'm so happy fafblog is back. I can't see the screen through the tears.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 18, 2008 12:46 PM
I'd like to cling to Obama's extended middle finger, except that's way, way too Freudian.
"Bitterness" is only the half of it! What about the rest of the explanation to wealthy Cali bundlers about why working class Dems in the midwest aren't flocking to his campaign? That "bitterness" over years of economic insecurity has driven 'em towards guns and religion and against immigrants and "people not like them?" Is "people not like them" some kind of dog-whistley code for Moonmen?

I think I like it better when Giblets doesn't talk about primary campaigns...
Hope everyone's so happy that the tip jar is flowing/ See it over on the right hand side?
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 18, 2008 2:26 PM
"Bitterness" is only the half of it!

Less than half! There's also sour (Iowa), sweet (Georgia), salty (New England coastline), and the mysterious umami (Oregon, parts of Washington state).

You see, the continental United States is like a giant tongue. Like a tongue, it is bumpy, and has rolls and curves in it. And like a tongue, bits of undigested food become trapped in various regions and begin to ferment. And so each region is sensitive to different tastes. As each of the three candidates travels the country, they each savor a portion of the leftovers of America. And, like the parable of the five blind men who tasted an elephant, each candidate creates their own recipe from scraps collected in the papillae of the American soil.

Obama is hardly the first to note that central Pennsylvania is bitter. In 1848, Franklin Pierce once compared the region to "buckwheat biscuits scorched in last night's ashes." The news of this gaffe so captured the young nation's attention that the Pony Express lost three horses to exhaustion.
It's like seeing the Time Cube guy appear on Daily Kos.

DID the Time Cube guy appear at Daily Kos???

Because that would be so much awsum.
Bitterness Is Only the Half of It

I palmed the pierogi and plastered his puss with it. He staggered back dripping mashed potatoes and cheddar cheese down his chin. I said, "Buddy, you forgot somethin'. You forgot I'm an economically stressed blue-collar worker that takes no crap. You forgot I've had candidates tougher than you'll ever be on the end of this specialized machine tool just for laughs."

He was scared scared all right, but he tried to bluff his way out of it . "I didn't say it as well as I should have," he blurted out.

That's when when I pulled the trigger of the twist drill. He yelled, "ohmigod!" and grabbed for his croque-monsieur, now sporting a 2 1/4 inch hole smack in its center. I raised the muzzle of the drill until it was looking right into the little green circle-shaped Starbucks logo on his cup of Caramel Macchiato.

"Go ahead. Insult me some more, Obama."
We're bitter, but we're spicy too, here in the NW. And we cling to recycling and umbrellas.

(I'm ridiculously happy that you're back, you...you...Giblets, you)
by Anonymous Deborah, at April 18, 2008 8:44 PM
Nothing is more bitter than the middle-aged pundit fearing capital gains taxation!

It is bitterly galling to think of a fraction of one's vast fortune going to support those bitterly cavorting poor people one so despises.

Let's all bow our heads in sorrow at the plight of Charlie Gibson, bitterness incarnate.
Amazin .. Fafblog is back with a vengeance
giblets bitterly still clings to his footnotes and blugger.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 19, 2008 9:24 AM
The Obama Lovers
Chapter 1: Howard's End

Howard had his back up against the wall. To the average citizen, it appeared he was simply leaning, but it wasn't like that at all. This was pure survival instinct, always on the alert for an attack. He didn't turn, but I could tell he saw us. I could feel the little hairs on the back of my neck electrify and I sensed he felt the same thing.

We were like two dogs in the park saying hello. We were two of a kind. I wasn't about to be trifled with and I wasn't leashed by the conventions of polite campaigning. I could lash out and irritate as fast as he could. I knew what he was feeling because I felt it too.
Our friends at About.com's Kosher Food website are the source of this recipe.

Sweet and Sour Tongue

From Susan Portman's Artful Cooking

Susan likes to serve this tender and tasty kosher meat dish for the Jewish holiday of Sukkot.

INGREDIENTS:

* 2.5 pound (1 kilogram) Pickled Tongue
* 1 onion, sliced
* 2 bay leaves
* 3 whole all spice
* 1 15-ounce can tomato sauce
* 1 15-ounce can water (measure by filling above tomato can)
* juice of one lemon
* 3/4 cup brown sugar
* 1/2 cup dark raisins

PREPARATION:
1. Put tongue, onion, bay leaf and all spice in a pot. Cover with cold water. Cover pot. Cook on medium heat for 2 hours.
2. Cool. When the tongue is lukewarm, peel. Then slice the tongue - tip to back - into medium width strips.
3.In a separate pot, combine tomato sauce, water, lemon juice and brown sugar. Add sliced tongue. Cook the tongue in this sauce on medium-low heat for another hour or until the tongue is tender. In the last half hour of cooking, add the raisins.

TIPS:

1. It is best to use pickled tongue because it is already spiced.
2. This same sauce can be used for meatballs.
take some more meth, take some more meds, take it up the ass, I actually don't care.

just take it off my internet.

also there's a little rule on the internet. if you have a tepid IQ and are incapable of forming constructive arguments, embodied by coherent sentences, then you must excuse yourself and return to the cambrian outpost.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 19, 2008 8:22 PM
Roolz? ROOLZ? We doan need you steenking roolz, man. We doan need no stoopid Cymric.
.
by Anonymous bodiciah t rentlord III, at April 20, 2008 12:20 AM
Hey anonymous at 8:22 pm,

I always wondered who owned the internets. You should summon up a bit of courage and identify yourself so we all know to whom to address service complaints!
Thanks, Ian! Now I get it. "they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment" NOT because of frustration with being ripped off, but because they're just plain assholes! Obama's just making up fancy-ass elitist explanations for ass-holyness in Merka.

I'm with you, Ian. Wee don't need no stinkin splanations. Some people are just assholes.
Why does practically everybody on the left side of the blogosphere except Paul Krugman appear to buy into Mr. Obama's stereotype of midwestern working-class Dems?
Once those midwestern working-class Dems found out Obama fathered a white child out of wedlock they just knew he was an elitest asshole.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 20, 2008 2:57 PM
Oh, anonymous, that's a nice part of the kitchen sink, that is. I am in awe of your skills, you are a vertiable Gheorghe Zamfir of the dog-whistle. Perhaps you are also the genius who thought a crypto-Bush strategy against Obama was going to be a winner?

Heavens forfend that we should talk about the economic hardship that bedevils our neighbors. Everyone is laughing and happy and shooting rifles into the air! Oops, hit the minaret. My bad!
I'm freaking bitter, and I don't care who knows it. Bitter! I couldn't even drink my darjeeling this morning because there was a tsunami in my wee china cup. And my dang crumpets were so dry -- since I couldn't drink my dang tea -- that now I have a bad case of Cap'n Crunch mouth. How can I enjoy "Guiding Light" now?
Americans are brash, ignorant, self-important, unintelligent and obese.

Women are demure, polite, and family homemakers.

Jews have a special aptitude for money-making.

Small town midwesteners bitterly cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them.

Word!!!
I'd like to grab your previous work from fluble, since no published book seems forthcoming. What could I do to get say a CD with their contents from you for my own personal enjoyment?
by Anonymous cabilio"sympatico.ca, at April 21, 2008 10:15 PM
Yes,
Politics an' all
but can we have some
meaning of life pie
with a twist
of impending doom
please?
Fafnir & Giblets,

Thank you so much for returning. Everything is betterness now.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 22, 2008 12:35 AM
Cabillo, we all loves the fluble, we'd all like to pay monies for a CD, I'm sure if we ask nicely it will be considered. Giblets hears all our prayers, but sometimes the answer is "no". Or "tomato", which is functionally the same thing.
Oh no, not again!

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama is back at it, trying to defuse new attacks against him over remarks he made yesterday. The trouble started while campaigning at a Costco in Carlisle, Pennsylvania when Caitlin Campanello asked about the primary loss his campaign suffered in California. He told the full time refund cashier that west coast voters are "superficial" due to of years of economic overabundance. "It's not surprising they get so shallow," he said. "They cling to fake boobs or fake tans or plastic surgery or avocados as a way to explain their emptiness inside."

Obama has again conceded that he could have phrased his thoughts better.

DEVELOPING...
Obama on New Yorkers: "They think they're better than everyone else!"
Welcome back, Fafblog!

"They cling to fake boobs or fake tans or plastic surgery or avocados as a way to explain their emptiness inside."

The Obama vs. Clinton wrestling match aside, I find that I keep hearing about this "emptiness" thing a lot... and I wonder, what exactly are the kind of thoughts that will not count as "emptiness"?

-- bi, International Journal of Inactivism
Of course Mr. O-Bama is completely in the wrong about this, as the fine jus-plain-folx of the Georgetown ceviche-snorfing set well know. If the said Pennsyltuckian salt-of-the-earth happy-go-lucky Deltas and Epsilon Minuses were actually bitter, the Soylent Green would taste funny, and it tastes just fine! Just like chicken! So take that, Mr. Elitist! And go tell Jeeves to bring the car round, would you?
by Anonymous Employment Unit 4545, at April 22, 2008 1:45 PM
With regard to emptiness, bitterness, and avocados, allow me to direct your attention to some words of our friend Sophie D. Coe, who in her 1994 book America's First Cuisines (University of Texas Press) writes on pages 44-45:

"There is good reason for the popularity of the avocado. The diet of pre-Columbian America was what we would consider low fat. The avocado is one of three fruits that contain large amounts of oil in their flesh...In addition to fat, avocados also contain two or three times as much protein as other fruits, and many vitamins as well. We know little about how avocados, or paltas, as they are called in Peru, were eaten in pre-Columbian America. The one recipe that we may be sure of is the Aztec ahuaca-hulli, or avocado sauce, familiar to all of us today as guacamole. This combination of mashed avocados, with or without a few chopped tomatoes and onions...is the pre-Columbian dish most easily accessible to us...If few pre-Columbian recipes for the avocado survive, the European writers more than make up for the lack. The Europeans fell into three camps. There were those who ate their avocados with salt, those who ate them with sugar, and those who liked them both ways."
I don't think this is the original Fafblog. Is the word "pussification" funny in a Gibletsian way? Not so much. Missing Fafblog was sad, but to think someone has usurped Fafblog is horrible.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 22, 2008 7:24 PM
I don't think this is the original Fafblog. Is the word "pussification" funny in a Gibletsian way? Not so much.

I disagree! In three links to absolutely genuine Giblets posts, I've found "crowds of deranged mechanophiliacs humping household appliances in an orgy of animatronic man-on-android action", "If he cries he is a great big pussy and therefore gay", and references to North Korean missiles as "No-Dong". From there to "pussification", when it's right under major media's speech patterns, is not much of a stretch, if you ask me.

I mean, it could be fake Giblets, but so could the others, and the rabbit hole would have to go pretty deep.

Besides, Giblets has had a long time of not being Giblets. You need to warm up your Gibletsianity before you can take it for a genocide around the block.
It was the single joy of a miserable day to see the return of Faf this Tuesday last.

Let Faf be Faf, Love it or Leave it to paraphrase our crazed Republican brothers.

If Fafblog stops again, then the terrorists will actually win.

A hearty welcome back my brother
Giblets said; "Huzzah for the tunnel!"
If you're not Huzzahin' you're no Fafno-Gibletsian, and if you are Huzzahin' - stop and take time to smell the sidebar.
It smells like ...
mmmmh - Ahhhh... incommensurable universes.
by Anonymous bodiciah t rentlord III, at April 23, 2008 11:01 PM
you have no idea what the return of fafblog means to me. really. no. idea.

tears of joy, friends. ecstasies innumerable.

please now, fafblog, don't go away again like you did last time! pleeeeeeaaasse!
Come back again, Fafblog! Co-oo-oo-oo-me back!!
yes come back, but free wesley snipes before you do.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at April 28, 2008 3:29 PM
Part of the joy of The Return is seeing some familiar, friendly names in the Comments Gallery. Doodle, LordRentlord et al, you were missed almost as much as the Titlillating Triumverate.

Now: where the fuck is Ken? It was your turn to watch him.
by Anonymous The Deli Llama, at April 29, 2008 1:25 PM
Hey, Deli.

Don't look at me! I turned him over to Montag in 2006!
It's better to burn out than fade away.
It's better to burn out than fade away.


The Tiger

TIGER, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears,
And water'd heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?

Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?


William Blake. 1757–1827
by Anonymous bodiciah t rentlord III, at May 02, 2008 10:40 PM
Giblets -- SO glad to see you back yer highness almighty!
AND His Emperorship Fafnir too, of course!
...but where is The Medium Lobster, and why are you an Faf wearing plastic bibs with drawn butter dribbles?? *shiver*

Funny post

however (uh oh :)

if a stereotypical statement like that were made about let's just say...
black people
or hispanics...
there would be quite the outcry, and rightfully so. Obama himself disproves the stereotype of black people as single-parenting, uneducated, welfare recipients whose children are invariably drop-out gangbangers. I think, if another politician would make a similar correlating statement, Barry hisself would have something to say about it.

I can aver this bordering-racist statement as an actual PA country dweller (coal country, too!). We happen to have a household income of well over 100K, both of us have degrees and we happened to meet in Mensa.

And the neighbors and townspeople are no slouches either.

And oh Goddess no we don't live in a McMansion on a manicured quarter acre so please don't stereotype us in that direction! In fact we are quite green, nonconsuming (as possible) and live humbly (papercrete shed and a home-made windmill/generator, for instance.)


Nothing against Obama, nonetheless that was a very unwise and untrue statement. I fear it really displays a shopworn, banal and dare I wonder condescending attitude towards in particular Pennsylvanians (I'm just criticizing his statement, I like him in the main), and in general all US citizens who reside outside a metropolitan area.

If his statement were true I guess there are no gun-toting, bitter, caucasian, lower-middle class in the cities then. Zilch. They must all be dandified metrosexuals with professionally manicured nails.

Well, the white ones, that is :>
by Anonymous Schnockerdog, at May 08, 2008 12:04 AM
Ishtar
by Anonymous Anonymous, at May 12, 2008 12:17 PM
This is my first visit, and I'm delighted!

I read all 69 comments; enjoyed those (or most of them) as much as Giblets!

I now know where to come for a good sound laugh, and not because it's stupid or dumb, but because it's so damned 'dead-on'.

minifafblog!

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